by Kat Cotton
Hell.
I ran back to my table and gathered up my things. That was it. Of course, it was so obvious. I almost kicked myself for not thinking of it before.
8 Goulash
I JUMPED IN THE CAR and headed to the Duffy’s for a stakeout. Well, I went via the 7-11 because you can’t do a stakeout without snack foods. Mr Duffy had said the delivery guy had been delivering goods every day and how annoying it had been with all this stuff turning up.
I parked my car across the road from the house and slumped down in my seat. I put a cap on to shade my eyes and disguise myself.
While I waited, I texted Duffy to find out more information about the deliveries. I wanted to be absolutely sure I had the right guy before I made a move. Maybe we should’ve saved some of the potion Timon made us but we had been so convinced that we had the right guy back then.
I got an email from Duffy.
“Come to think of it, the parcels did start turning up the same time the wife went a bit strange. Also, when the gold turned up.”
See, you’d think that’d be something you’d mention upfront as a possibility instead of just talking about the dead husband coming back to life. Damn you, Duffy. I turned the car radio on and started singing to myself. I needed to keep awake because stakeouts made me sleepy.
Come on, delivery guy.
Wow, this was a boring street. Nothing going on at all. I guess it was full of the middle classes who all go to work during the day.
Wait, a van pulled up. A van that looked very much like a delivery van. I wondered if the delivery guy had seen me the other day at the Duffy’s. I didn’t think he had because I’d been in the kitchen.
I waited to see if anyone got out of the van.
A guy in delivery overalls opened the driver’s door and stepped out. I held my breath, waiting to see what he did.
He opened the back of the van.
It had to be the right liderc this time. As far as I could see in my rear vision mirror, the guy had shifty eyes. That’s a sure sign of dodginess and possible demonic-ness. I stepped out of the car, grabbing my clipboard out of the backseat, since that would make me seem semi-official, and wandered casually down the street, looking like I was minding my own business.
I lingered by the house next to the Duffy’s pretending to check some details. The delivery guy walked up to the house and rang the doorbell. Of course, no one was home. I bet the first time he’d come, Mrs Duffy had been home and had stupidly invited him in for some reason. Then he’d latched onto her and every night since they had hot demon dream sex. Hell, she probably even thought it was the old husband visiting her. That was so rapey and non-consensual. Demons, they don’t care about that shit because they have no souls.
Poor Duffy, he’d have had her writhing and yelling beside him while her demon lover rode her hard in her sleep. That wouldn’t be pleasant.
The delivery driver determined that no one was home. He gave the house a good look over and then left the parcel on the doorstep. I wondered if he was a real delivery driver, as in working for a real company. As he left the house, I walked past him. I just happened to knock into him and the paperwork in his hand fell to the ground. Well played, me.
I stooped down to help him pick up the papers.
“It’s okay. Just leave it.”
But it was too late. I’d gotten a good look at the name on his ID. Roger Briggs.
I checked the parcel on the doorstep. It had a label on it that looked genuine. TBC deliveries. And an address and phone number.
I got back in the car and gave them a call.
“TBC Deliveries, can I help you?”
Well, that checked out but I’d drive by the address and make double sure.
“Do you have a Roger Briggs working for you?” I asked.
“We did. Is this about his insurance? We have told you we take no responsibility for that accident. He had been drinking on the job. If you need any further clarification, I can refer you to our legal team.”
Eureka!
“No, that’s fine. We just have to finish off this paperwork and I didn’t have the date of death so I wondered if you could tell me to avoid the red tape.”
She gave me the date. Two months ago. That checked out. Yep, Duffy’s problems started almost exactly the same day. Briggs died and our liderc friend moved into his body. Fake Briggs had to be our liderc.
I was so sure this time. Now I just had to banish him and the job would be over.
This called for some serious thinking. If it was him, we’d have to trap him and to do that I had to think of an impossible task. Something that sounded plausible yet would send him on a wild goose chase that’d make him work until his heart gave out. I couldn’t count on Mrs Duffy playing along because she was nuts. Instead, I had to do this myself. I mean, I could trap him in a tree but that was hardly likely to happen.
Now that I’d found him, it should be relatively easy to transfer his fixation from Mrs Duffy to myself. I had the sexual aura that was catnip to demons but, even without that, I was younger and prettier and much more fun. Any demon worth his salt would pick me over her sour face.
There was no way I could do this today, but tomorrow I’d be prepared for him. I send Duffy an email with an update. I’d just need access to his house tomorrow and I’d have this sorted out in record time.
Since there was nothing more I could do, I figured I’d drop by to see the old Hungarian lady and get some pointers from her on how to transfer the fixation. Also, get some more of that delicious goulash. That would be awesome.
“WHY THE HELL WOULD you want to do that, you stupid girl?”
“I promised to rid this woman of the liderc.”
The old lady wasn’t that helpful. She just kept warning me off. How did that help? Doing the job or not wasn’t the question. It was how to do it. I could handle that silly old liderc. Sure, Mrs Duffy looked like the life force had been drained out of her but I wasn’t unaware of the liderc’s powers.
At least I had my huge bowl of goulash. It was some damn fine goulash too.
“Okay, if you are determined to have no sense, I will tell you. You have to burn incense, a special kind. I will write down the name for you.”
She walked over to the shop counter and wrote something on an old docket. I slipped it in my bag.
“Burn that and it will break the spell on the poor woman. Then you will need to be nearby... wait, do you have a dead lover?”
Her beady eyes gleamed. I’d not even thought of that.
I shook my head. I had a few who should be dead but I’d not gotten around to killing them yet. Of course, if it would make this job easier, I had no qualms about off them.
As if she read my thoughts, she laughed.
The old woman beckoned me closer. She whispered something in my ear. That might work. It would totally work.
I nodded my head.
“You’re sure about this.”
The old lady just smiled.
I MANAGED TO CORNER Timon in his stall without him pre-empting me. No weapons pelted at me, no death threats. Funny how giving someone a bunch of gold bars makes them so much friendlier.
“I need this,” I said, giving him the docket.
He took the paper from me, glanced at it, shook his head then screwed up his mouth.
“This is very rare, very rare indeed. I might be able to get it but it would be difficult. And expensive.”
I punched his arm.
“You’re so full of shit. You’re trying to rip me off. Don’t try my own tricks on me.”
Timon rubbed his arm.
“That hurt.”
“I didn’t even hit you hard. Stop being such a baby. Get it for me now and I’ll pay you twenty bucks. Cash money.”
Timon sighed then opened the secret door to the back of the shop. He handed me a bunch of incense sticks, then pulled them away.
“Money up front,” he said.
“Don’t you trust me?”
&nbs
p; “Not one teeny bit.”
“And I thought we were friends.”
I pulled the money out of my back pocket. Timon grinned, like he’d thought I wasn’t good for it.
He grabbed for it but I pulled it away and waved it around. If he could torment me, I could do it back just as well. Then I remembered that I really needed that incense. I handed the cash over.
With that, I was out of there.
THE OLD HUNGARIAN LADY came on the stakeout with me. Her name was Malika. She sure did talk a lot but she’d packed a ton of food in a chiller bag for us. I was down with that.
I put the incense around the front door of the Duffys’ house then went back to the car to wait.
Malika told me stories about demons in olden days Europe.
“Wait, they believe in vampire pumpkins?” I laughed.
“They are gypsies, they believe in a lot of stupid things. When I was a child, I was so scared of pumpkins because of that. I couldn’t eat them, I couldn’t even go near them. The pumpkin will bite my ankles, is what I thought.”
“But then people laugh at the ledric,” I said. “People laugh at a lot of things because they don’t realise they are true.”
Malika nodded her head.
“I try to tell my grandchildren but they think I’m a foolish old lady. They just want to play their video games. Stupid kids. They should be in the restaurant working but they are too spoilt.”
I nodded and eat another one of those delicious cookies she’d packed.
“This Duffy man, he is stupid too. Even if the liderc is gone, his wife is still screwing around with the dead husband. He should throw her out on her backside.”
“Not my problem,” I said. “I’m a demon fighter not a marriage counsellor.”
Malika laughed.
“Delivery man’s here,” I said, as the truck pulled up.
Malika tried to jump out of the car but I grabbed her arm.
“Not yet,” I said. “Wait until he’s leaving.”
Malika reapplied her apricot orange lipstick and adjusted her headscarf. I crouched down in the car, waiting.
The delivery guy walked up the path to the Duffys’ house. He got to the door, parcel under his arms then rang the doorbell.
“Time for action,” I said.
Malika and I walked to the house. The delivery man still waited at the door. He must’ve inhaled enough of that incense for it to do its job by now.
He turned around with a puzzled look on his face as though he’d suddenly had no idea what he was doing or why he was there. Poor bastard probably didn’t even know whose body he inhabited. It must’ve been a rude shock.
“Hey,” I said, my voice all low and seductive.
He turned to me, his eyes flashing violet. Malika nodded slightly. It was time to pull out all the stops.
I sashayed toward him, pouting slightly and putting all my sexual force into my eyes. He became transfixed.
“Looking for a good time, buddy?” I said.
I never try for originality. I’ve never yet met a demon who needs it.
He nodded slowly. The guy almost drooled. The hold he had on Mrs Duffy had gone and he looked to fix that hold to me now. His gaze flittered around. According to Malika, he needed to search my soul for my lost love so he could take on that form.
I’m not sure why he hadn’t done that with Mrs Duffy. Maybe the dead husband turning up out of the blue had screwed that and he’d just taken on the shape of the nearest convenient human.
Or maybe Mrs Duffy had been screwing around with the delivery man.
I didn’t know and didn’t care that much. I got paid to get rid of him, not to do deep analysis of the whys.
There was no lost love in my heart though, unless it was that cake I’d had last week. The raspberry and chocolate one. I’d loved that cake a lot and now it was gone.
I wondered if I could make him take on that form. Then I could just eat him and he’d be gone. But I’d promised Malika I’d sort this out for her.
The violet flash in his eyes intensified. This was it, this was show time. He walked toward me, getting within touching distance. He tried to transfix me with his smile but I was the one doing the transfixing.
The smell of incense became overwhelming. The Duffys would be trying to get that sickly sweet odour out of their house for months to come.
Just as he almost reached me, I grabbed Malika and thrust her in front of me, so she took the full impact of his stare.
His face seemed to melt off. Ick, so gross. All the features just went blurry and weird, like when you use too much beauty filter on your selfies. They were still there but so smudged you could barely tell he had a face.
Then he blurred some more so he just had a blankness where the face had been.
There’s not much that’s more grotesque than a face without features.
I shuddered.
Then the transformation continued. The blondish hair became black, the smooth no-face wrinkled a little and his eyes came back into focus. Brown eyes with a cheeky twinkle and soft lines. The last feature to appear was the smile with one gold tooth gleaming.
“Fredek?” Malika asked.
“You know he’s not really Fredek. Don’t let yourself be fooled.”
“Hey, I’m an old lady. Let me believe.”
Malika threw her arms around him. Tears rolled down her weathered cheeks. The two of them kissed.
Normally, I’d not be a part of something like this but Malika had asked. She knew exactly what she’d gotten into. She didn’t care.
She’d told me, “I’m not much longer for this world. Let me have some hot sex before I go, even if it is with a demon. It will be a demon with his face. And hey, some help around the restaurant will be good.”
I couldn’t argue with that.
I went back to sit in the car and wait. I’d need to drive Malika home. Fredek the liderc would appear to her later.
Anyway, I had that nice pile of bills in my wallet and a few bars of gold hidden away. That was the main thing.
My phone beeped.
It was Timon.
“Where the hell has my gold gone?”
“What? It’s gone. How the hell should I know? Did you put it somewhere stupid?”
“No, it’s here but it’s fading away. It’s not real gold, is it? It’s a clever imitation. You tricked me and I want my money.”
“Hold on.”
I jumped up and checked the back of the car. Yeah, I know it’s not the best place to hide gold. The bag still felt heavy so I opened it. The gold bars weren’t so gold anymore. They had definitely faded. Damn it. When the hold on Mrs Duffy died, the gold must’ve gone with it.
Damn.
Timon’s voice came through the phone, shrieking and yelling. I couldn’t hear what he was saying but he was definitely angry. I ended the call and put my phone on silent so that I didn’t have to listen to him.
Malika came back to the car with a huge grin on her face. Soon I’d have more gold bars. And we had a shit-ton of that food left in her chiller bag. All in all, this had been a very satisfying case.
THE END
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If you want to read more in the Clem Starr: Demon Fighter series, you sure can.
The full Clem Starr series:
#1 Demon Child *free*
#2 Moonlight Virgin
#3 Vampire Prince
#4 Undead Alchemist
#5 Mystery Widow
#6 Super Starr
Extras:
Merry Clem-Mas – join Clem and the gang in this fun Christmas short,
About me:
I write character-driven Urban Fantasy with kick ass chicks and pretty boy vampires.
I’m a digital nomad, although I hate that term because i
t makes me sound like a wanky hipster. Which I’m not. Okay, I am a bit snobby about coffee and I sometimes wear twee vintage dresses but that doesn’t make me a hipster.
On my travels, I love visiting weird and macabre places. Mummified hands that remove curses, museums of infectious diseases, collections of taxidermed frogs riding Penny Farthings - hell yeah!
I love hearing from readers so if you’ve got questions about my books, cool locations I can visit or just want to say hi, email me - [email protected] or visit my website – http://www.katcotton.com.
Demon Child Preview
WHEN PORTIA MANCHELLI called me at 4 a.m., I thought it pretty damn rude. I hadn’t heard from her in about five years, for starters. Well, there was that time she invited me to her baby shower. Why, I’ll never know. I’m not a “baby shower going” person. I’m not a “keeping in touch with people I went to school with” person, even. But, at least I’m an “awake at 4 a.m.” person.
Not that I was doing anything exciting. I don’t sleep good these days, so I’d been cleaning my jewelry. You wouldn’t believe the gunk you get mushed into it fighting demons. I didn’t have a lot of bling. A wolf head ring that a witch sold me at a market. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t a real witch. She’d said the eyes would flash if I was in danger. I’d been in danger about half a dozen times a week since I got it and those eyes had never flashed. Still, it was real silver, so if the pointy wolf nose didn’t do a bundle of danger, the metal could sizzle the skin off a demon. I also had a schorl ring for protection and a crucifix necklace. You had to have all your bases covered.
It took me a minute to get what Portia wanted.
“There’s something going on at Club Soho. The police won’t let us go down there. They won’t tell us anything.”
She stopped and took a deep breath. Long enough for me to wonder why she’d called me in the middle of the night to tell me this. Another drug raid, no doubt. They did them every so often.
“Cassie’s there.” She sobbed. “She’s not answering her phone, and we don’t know...”
“I don’t see how I can help.” Cassie was Portia’s younger sister. If she’d been busted for drugs, they’d be better off calling a lawyer, or pretty much anyone but me.
