by Tyler Ward
Recently I was spilling to Jared about the latest challenges in my and Analee’s marriage—most of which revolved around tripping up each other’s same old emotional land mines to disastrous effects. He was patient with me as I divulged our situation. When I was finished, he shared a play on words that changed everything for Analee and me in moments of conflict.
Enter Jared.
“My wife and I have discovered that our primary goal isn’t learning to be married in a static sense so much as learning the art of marrying our own individual responses, desires, and efforts in any present moment.
“It usually looks like this: When we have a conflict, it is most often caused by a difference in the way we see a certain situation—unspoken expectations that aren’t met, or general frustration at the way the other person handled something. We each solved whatever situation is now in question in our own, individualistic way; through our own lenses, valuing in our decision and actions only what was important to us individually.
“What is needed to accomplish the marrying of lives at that moment is to practice a method of resolving (read: re-solve) the situation through communication. Since it is clear that I have solved the situation a certain way and she has solved it a different way, then it becomes equally clear that on that particular issue, we now have an invitation to marry one another again. This is nothing to freak out about, but something to verbally acknowledge so that the work of re-solving can produce the intimacy that only the ongoing marrying of our two individual lives can bring.”
I had never heard anyone describe conflict this way. Jared went on…
“The practice of re-solving marital issues revolves around learning to communicate well with your spouse. This takes practice. Two individuals are almost always terrible at this at first. Most unresolved issues in marriage stem [from] each person’s inability to effectively hear what the other person is saying, and more importantly why they are saying it. Ironically, quality communication begins not by being a good talker, but by becoming a great listener.
“Think about it. Most conflict revolves around each person trying their hardest to be heard! Steph and I now jokingly say that the first one of us to hear the other wins the argument. Why? Because it is only by focusing on what the other is saying—getting into their head, seeing the values that were driving their decisions and actions in the moment—that we can finally get about the beauty of marrying our two individual worlds into a shared, exciting world of marriage.”
Exit Jared.
With Jared’s advice on seeing conflict as an opportunity to grow even closer, Analee and I began to see changes—some small, some radical—in our marriage. I’m confident this perspective can do the same for you.
In the end, marriage—like fire—is designed to pull all our inner dysfunction to the surface of our lives, refine it, and help us grow. When we’re willing to see the rougher parts of marriage in this light, this friction quickly becomes a gift that constantly invites us into a fuller and more fulfilling experience of life together.
And if you were to ask me, that’s a far better deal than happily ever after on a white horse.
CHAPTER THREE
REAL ROMANCE
Consumers Don’t Make Good Lovers
“When two selfish people get married, you’ve got two ticks and no dog.”
—Unknown
“She changed once we got married.”
“We both had the right to be happy, and neither of us were.”
“Steven always asked about how I was doing … My husband hasn’t asked in years. It just felt nice to be thought about.”
“He used to pursue me. Then we got married.”
“He never made the effort to learn how to love me the way I feel loved.”
These are just a few of the answers I’ve heard in the past two years when asking about a couple’s reasons for resurfacing issues or separation.
When trying to explain the failure of modern marriage, most experts say we simply expect too much from matrimony.1 They say we bring bloated hopes to the altar—that we inevitably find ourselves disappointed, and in our disillusionment we begin to feel like quitting. Thus, most marriage advice in one way or another revolves around learning to communicate these expectations and develop ways to get them mutually met over time.
In many ways, these experts are right. The common reasons for divorce cited above all seem to involve failed hopes. And it’s certainly no secret that I—like many of us—brought unrealistic expectations to the altar.
Yet …
What has set me up for most of the unnecessary challenges in my marriage can’t be explained by something as simple as heightened expectations. No, the real issue goes deeper than that. My issue, like for many today, is the mentality behind my expectations.
And unfortunately, it’s not pretty.
ME-CENTRICITY.
The real epidemic is that our modern ideas of love lead us to, consciously or subconsciously, begin and end the conversation with what marriage can do for me. This has a way of taking a relationship designed for giving and making it all about getting. As a result, this me-centricity has a way of neutering the meaning and beauty of marriage altogether—which is, in fact, far bigger than any one of us.
ME-CENTRICITY THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
The Enlightenment and Self-Gratification. Some of the earlier roots of this me-centric brand of marriage can be seen throughout the era of history referred to as the Enlightenment, when the intellectuals of the eighteenth century attempted to advance society using reason and the scientific method. Previously, it was a generally accepted idea that the purpose of an individual’s life was found in designated societal duties and a responsibility to the greater good. As new psychologies like individualism and self-gratification were popularized, many of the leading intellectuals began defining their purpose in life based on how fulfilled they were. This newly accepted self-fulfillment lens turned a spouse’s approach to marriage on its head.2
It’s the time in history when marriage quickly transitioned, as marriage law expert John Witte Jr. reflects, from a contract designed for “mutual love, procreation, and protection” to a contract designed for the “gratification of individual parties.”3 Furthermore, society began to view and value marriage as less about the good of another and the broader community, and more about an individual’s emotional and sexual gratification.
Skip forward a few hundred years.
The American Revolution and Entitlement. “We hold these truths to be self-evident,” reads the Declaration of Independence, “that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”4
On a societal level, these values have proved to be productive and—arguably—healthy. However, as they’ve seeped into our relational value systems, the narrative takes a turn. This perceived “right” to liberty and happiness permeating different layers of our lives can cultivate a paradigm in which everything in life subtly becomes about us. Many of us now live with this entitlement to personal liberties, independence, and the experience of happiness—often at the cost of more significant things in life. And sadly, this entitlement can easily misinform us about marriage.
It’s not our inflated expectations that set us up for the severe disappointment that often leads to a broken marriage, though they certainly don’t help. It’s our entitlement. It’s the bad idea that marriage is about me, and the cheap idea that I’m entitled to all the benefits of love without personal cost.
We walk the aisle, recite a few vows, and subconsciously expect marriage to be a genie in a bottle without a price tag—giving out endless happiness and breathtaking sex and ego massages all for free. Sadly, this me-centric entitlement has an intelligent way of killing our chances at the beautiful benefits marriage legitimately offers. And if we’re ever going to discover these benefits, we’ve got to rethink our modern ideas about love itself.
GI
VING, NOT GETTING.
Love happens to be one of the greater casualties of the English language. It’s a blanket term we resort to for a variety of different feelings, attitudes, and emotions—ranging from affection to pleasure to deep attraction to common kindness. We love our favorite dessert. We love our brother. We love something insightful someone said today. We love having sex. We love being around people. We love smoking a cigar or drinking a glass of sweet tea.
In stark difference to English language’s abuse of the word, ancient Hebrew seems to take better care of it.
Daniel Lapin, a Jewish businessman, tells a story about his former professor in his book Thou Shall Prosper. Apparently this particular prof used to tease his students by asking them before the Thanksgiving holiday if they liked turkey. He would then wait for the first student to innocently respond, “I love turkey,” and then pounce. “No,” he’d say. “You don’t love turkey—if you did, you wouldn’t eat it. You actually love yourself.” He would then expand his analogy to relationships. If a young man tells a woman that he loves her when they are not married, the professor reasoned, his idea of love is just like that student who thinks he loves turkey. In reality, he simply loves himself.5
Lapin’s professor was making light of our current misconceptions about love and setting them up to contrast to the meaning of love modeled by the Hebrew language. This Hebrew word for love—ahava—has little to do with what one feels or receives, as Lapin clarifies. To the contrary—ahava is actually a verb that means “I give.”
This original paradigm of love is reflected when the apostle Paul says, “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting.”6
A love marked by giving and not getting creates ripples through our modern ideas about what love really is. As it turns out, love is not the fleeting butterflies we get when looking into the eyes of our significant other. It’s not something we fall into when dating.
It’s far simpler—and far wilder—than all that. To love another means to give.
This biblical brand of love finds its definition entirely outside of what we might get from it. On the contrary, this view of love includes all the everyday choices we make—big or small—to give to our spouse.
It’s taking the trash out.
It’s actively choosing to give him space when he is stressed.
It’s a text message mid-afternoon to tell her you can’t stop thinking about her.
It’s the choice to not get triggered by something he said, but asking what he meant and how it makes him feel instead.
It’s the time you’re late for a meeting, but run back inside to tell your wife—who you know adores being told—how much she means to you that day.
It’s the painful routine of taking the 3:00 a.m. newborn feeding shift so your wife can finally have three hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Love is not the twelve-part proposals or fairy-tale beginnings as much as it is the small, mundane but generous things we do for each other every day. Ann Voskamp, an author and refreshing voice on marriage, puts it perfectly when she says, “Real romance is really just sacrifice.”7 As we begin to orient ourselves to this incredible view of love that requires us to show up continually, we’re sure to discover the beautiful paradox that it is.
LOVE IS BOTH/AND.
If we start and end with a me-centric mentality of what marriage can offer us, we miss the point of matrimony entirely. This biblical definition of love is a verb. It means work. It means sacrifice. And it makes marriage “both a gift,” as German theologian Otto Piper says, “and a task to be accomplished.”8
But before you hear me or anyone else say that marriage is only about your spouse, let’s slow down.
While the me-centric mentality is damaging to marriage, the recently popular idea that marriage isn’t about you is equally damaging. Though this selfless sentiment speaks in the right direction, it’s not entirely accurate. Marriage is about you. In fact, this book is full of stories, studies, and principles to prove that it has incredible benefits to anyone willing to invest into it. Marriage is about you in the sense that it’s about the betterment of yourself. It is about expressing yourself in giving to your spouse.
The real shift we must undertake is not as black and white as to whether marriage is about us or our spouse—about giving or getting—because all are universally true. The real shift is in the sequence with which we align these truths when approaching our marriages. Namely, our marriage is first about our spouse, then second about us. It’s first about giving, and then about getting.
What’s more, this sequence offers us a brand of love far better than any of its alternatives.
This original brand of love says, like Jesus does, that it is better to give than to receive.9 And in doing so, it also implies that just because it’s better to give than to receive does not mean that we won’t receive at all. In fact, it’s just the opposite. The Bible continually alludes to this paradox when it says that whatever a person sows, this he will also reap.10
THE MORE YOU GIVE TO MARRIAGE, THE MORE IT GIVES BACK.
Yes, marriage requires endless investment. But marriage is no cheapskate, either. The more we sow, the more we reap. The more we invest into it, the more return we see. The more we truly love, the more love gives back. (This is true even when our spouse fails to. For more on this see the section below, “Reciprocation Is Irrelevant.”)
This is not about manipulating love to get what you want. This is about learning to genuinely love and give to your spouse and the brilliant effect it has on both of you.
Take a recent experiment I did in my own marriage as an example.
I spent the first few years of marriage with my version of the ever-popular me-centric and entitled mentality—expecting to reap where I hadn’t sown. Then something Rabbi Shalom Arush wrote changed my perspective.
He wrote this of the reciprocal nature of love, “The gains that a spouse will feel on both a spiritual and material level defy description, once they make loving their spouse first place.”11
I questioned the validity of his statement at first, but the concept intrigued me. So I put the scientific method to good use. It was as simple as this. (For graphics and more details on this experiment and its results, see “Cave Talk.”)
Part One: For thirty-one days, I attempted to do five things every day to intentionally love my wife and communicate she is the most important thing to me.
Part Two: I then rated my performance and measured my experience in five different areas of my life on a scale from one to ten every night before I went to bed. Those five areas included our general quality of life, peace in the home, marital enjoyment, career productivity, and children’s behavior.
To my surprise, thirty-one days later, I had a chart of data and an arsenal of experiences proving that intentionally loving my wife does, in fact, change every other layer of my life.
On the days I intentionally attempted to give to my wife, the benefits were obnoxiously clear by the numbers on my chart. I was happier and more hopeful. My stress and negativity considerably decreased. We experienced more peace in our home—with fewer fights and meltdowns and less complaining. My wife and I wanted to be around each other more and enjoyed each other’s company. My time at work was more focused and productive. Even my one-year-old son’s behavior was noticeably better—judging by fewer meltdowns or tantrums.
More specifically, my marriage made the shift …
From nights on the couch to expedited conflict. Prior to the last thirty-one days, it was a weekly occurrence for my wife and me to let our tempers escalate to a level ten and then stubbornly make them remain there for some time. Yet I soon realized that if my wife felt loved, our conflict level rarely hit an eight. Even when the tempers did flare, the time we allowed them to hang around dramatically decreased.
From rants to enjoying the moments. For the most part of the previous year, every time my wife finally got
my attention she often had so much pent-up frustration that we spent the little time we had together working through that comment I made six days ago. Over these thirty-one days, however, we both learned to enjoy our time together rather than treating it as an opportunity to air our frustrations. I noticed that Analee was quicker to let things go and not keep track of my relational deficiencies. As a result of her graciousness in this area, I found myself eager to spend time with her—and she felt the same way about me.
From needy self-entitlement to the empowerment of each other. Previously, when my wife’s basic emotional needs weren’t consistently being met, she was far more inclined to pull me away from things that I loved—the things that refueled me. This typically backfired, because it created a cycle in which Analee needed me in fifth gear just as I needed more gas in the tank. However, as I used these thirty-one days to intentionally give to my wife, I began witnessing in her the most bizarre behavior. She started asking if I wanted to watch football or grab a cigar with the boys. It was as if the more important she felt in my eyes, the more she championed the things that allowed me to relax or come alive.
From competing to contributing. Like most entrepreneurs, I thrive in productivity and the challenge of juggling many moving pieces all at once. During these thirty-one days, my marriage—and its conflict—transformed from the greatest resistance to my productivity at work to one of my career’s most valuable assets. On the days my wife felt genuinely valued, she advocated for me to invest deeply in my work. It was as if she stopped competing with my career for my attention, and instead joined my team to partner in my career with me. I soon found that my wife’s championing of me in my career pursuits has been the most professionally empowering experience I’d ever had.
My experiment provides simply one example that Jesus and the rabbi were on to something. Specifically, it would seem that it is, in fact, better to give than to simply expect to receive in marriage. Because when we do learn to love well by investing ourselves deeply, we can expect marriage to come with extraordinary benefits. Even more than that, we can expect marriage to become our greatest asset in life.
