by Gil McNeil
‘Hi, Jo. I won’t be a minute. Meg’s downstairs getting her lunch ready. We had an early start this morning. Madam seems to like waking up early at the moment.’
Lily’s standing up on Grace’s lap, looking very pleased with herself.
‘I can’t believe how much she’s changed every time I see her.’
Grace kisses the top of her head.
‘Standing up is her new favourite thing.’
I’d forgotten the way they like to stand up all the time when they’re around this age, and not really strong enough. I used to have a row of tiny bruises on my thighs from where Archie used to dig his toes in when he was that age.
Meg appears and takes Lily downstairs, and we’re looking at patterns for cashmere baby cardigans when Maxine comes in, looking flustered.
‘I’m sorry to interrupt, Grace, but it’s Jimmy.’
‘What’s he done now?’
‘He’s here, outside at the gates, and he’s got press with him. He’s saying he wants to see Lily and he’s not leaving until he does.’
‘Fucking hell.’
‘What do you want us to do?’
‘I don’t know. Give me a minute. Have you called Ed?’
‘Yes, he’s talking about helicopters. He’s on line three.’
Grace picks up the phone.
‘For fuck’s sake, Ed, that’ll only encourage him. Look, talk to the lawyers and call me back. See if we can get some sort of injunction.’ She puts the phone down and turns to Maxine. ‘How many cameras?’
‘A full line-up, I’d say.’
‘Jesus.’
Actually, I’m starting to feel a bit sorry for Jimmy; even though I’m sure it’s down to rampant pregnancy hormones. I was in tears yesterday watching a baby penguin on one of Jack’s wildlife-in-peril programmes. But the idea of leaving Jimmy standing by the gates does seem a bit hard.
‘Surely it wouldn’t be that awful if he saw her?’
Christ. I so didn’t mean to say that out loud.
Grace looks annoyed.
‘Yes. It would.’
‘But it might not be that bad. I mean –’
‘Look, perhaps we should reschedule the knitting for another time.’
‘Oh, right … well, yes, of course.’
‘If you leave now the press will stop you at the gates, so if you could wait downstairs for a while until we sort this out that would be great. Maxine will show you where. Thanks, Jo.’
Bugger. I think I’ve been dismissed.
‘I’m sorry, Grace. I didn’t mean to speak out of turn.’
She gives me an odd sort of look; a mixture of annoyance and something else too, a hint of vulnerability in amongst all the steel. Damn, I’ve been clumsy, and this is bound to be upsetting for her.
‘I know you’re trying to protect her, Grace, of course you are. And I know it’s hard. You know I do. But won’t you have to let him see her at some point, if he’s bothering to turn up? Otherwise when she asks you about him, what will you say?’
Maxine nods.
‘That’s true, Grace.’
Grace looks at Maxine, who blushes and turns to me.
‘And I know how difficult this is, Grace, trust me. I’d hate it if Daniel did anything like this, I really would. Not that it looks likely, but we’d all be here with you. If you need us. And if you let him in, then the press won’t have a story, will they?’
She smiles.
‘Okay, okay, I get it. You might be right.’
Maxine looks surprised.
‘Shall I call Ed back then?’
‘Yes.’
‘Maybe we should release a statement as soon as we let him in. Something about how you’re glad he’s finally showing an interest, and you hope to work things out amicably?’
‘Good plan, Max. Get Ed to sort it out. I wonder why he’s turned up now; has he got a new album out this week or something?’
Maxine nods and starts scribbling on her pad.
‘Well, why the fuck didn’t you tell me? We should have known he’d pull something like this. Christ. Okay, say I’m glad he’s here and we’re sure it’s got nothing to do with the album being out this week. My only concern is Lily. And if he wants to build a proper relationship with her, then fine.’
‘Bond is better.’
‘Yes, bond. But I want him to take a drugs test first, just to make sure he hasn’t slipped back into his old habits. Brilliant. That should do it. Jo, can you hang on? He knows Max so it’ll only make him worse if she’s around, and I want a witness.’
‘Sorry?’
‘When we let him in.’
‘Of course, if you’re sure. I mean there’s a chance he might be reasonable, isn’t there?’
‘Not really, no. Max, has he brought some babe with him?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s she doing?’
‘Posing with a giant pink teddy bear.’
‘Wearing?’
‘Not very much.’
‘So this is her coming-out party then. Clever. Right, tell Bruno to let Jimmy in, but not the girl, once you’re sorted with the statement. I’m going to get changed.’
Twenty minutes later we’re sitting downstairs in the posh living room with the emerald-green velvet sofas and Grace has changed into a beautiful wrap dress, and appears to have gone into some sort of breathing-exercise trance. She looks staggeringly beautiful, and is clearly in full Diva mode as the door opens and Bruno escorts Jimmy in.
Christ, it’s really Jimmy Madden. He’s looking fidgety and very thin but still unmistakably every inch the Rock Star. Bruno positions himself by the door, as if Jimmy might be about to steal a painting.
‘Hi, babe, nice place.’
Grace smiles, one of her full megawatt smiles.
‘What do you want, Jimmy?’
‘Who knows, darling? I’m fucked if I do.’
Grace sighs.
‘I haven’t got time for this.’
‘Got your attention, though, didn’t it?’ He grins. ‘And I’ve got a right to see my daughter.’
She stiffens, and then seems to remember something as she breathes out slowly.
‘Your what?’
‘I only want to see her. What harm could there be in that?’
‘And will there be cameras at this touching moment?’
‘Fuck off.’
‘Jimmy, this is me you’re talking to.’
‘I’d like to get to know her. I think it’d be cool.’
‘What about your other children? Aren’t they cool too?’
I’ve forgotten that he has other children; two, I think, or possibly three, from his first marriage, or maybe the second. I’ve lost count and I suspect he probably has too. They must be teenagers now.
‘I know I’ve made some mistakes, but I’d like this one to be different.’
‘I bet you would. How’s the new album selling?’
‘Don’t be a bitch. It’s very bad karma, babe.’ He turns to me and does one of his slow-motion, crooked-teeth smiles, and my stomach lurches. Blimey. ‘Who the fuck are you?’
‘She’s a friend of mine, Jimmy. Leave her alone.’
‘Oh, you’ve got a friend now, have you? How much are you paying her?’ He smiles again. ‘Whatever she’s paying you, darling, trust me, it’s not enough.’
Before I can stop myself I’m blurting, ‘I don’t think this is helping anyone,’ and going bright red as he looks at me, and laughs.
‘Oh, don’t you? Well, it’s definitely helping me.’
Grace stands up.
‘Well, it’s been lovely seeing you again, Jimmy. So sweet of you to drop in; do let us know next time you’re in the area.’
‘Where is she?’
‘Upstairs. Asleep.’
‘Babes, I know you’re only looking out for her, and I can respect that. Totally. But if I could spend a little time with her and get to know her … I’d hate her to think her dad didn’t care about her. That’s all.
’
Grace smiles, a sad sort of smile; I think part of her really wants to believe him.
‘Okay. Come next weekend sometime, Sunday maybe. Half an hour. No media. And you sign a confidentiality agreement. No interviews, no photos.’
‘Come on, be fair. All I want is a couple of snaps for my mum.’
‘Your mum’s dead, Jimmy. We went to the funeral, remember? It was just before my mum got ill. And if you want photographs I’ll get Max to give you copies. She’ll even put them in frames for you. Oh, and we’ve released a statement, saying we’d like you to take a drugs test before you see Lily. The lawyers insisted.’
‘You’re a fucking piece of work, do you know that?’
‘Well, as my mum used to say, it takes one to know one. Bye, Jimmy.’
Bruno steps forward, and opens the door.
‘See he doesn’t take any detours, Bruno. And Jimmy, next time, pick up the fucking telephone.’
He hesitates, and then walks out.
Christ. My hands are shaking, so God knows how Grace is being so calm.
She sits back down.
‘So. Not interested in my gorgeous girl after all, then.’
‘I’m so sorry, Grace.’
‘It’s fine.’
‘No, it’s not. And I’m sorry I sat there like a dummy. I should have said something. Apart from that stupid thing about how this isn’t helping.’
‘I liked that. He probably thinks you’re my lawyer anyway, don’t worry about it. You were great.’
‘You never know, maybe when Lily’s older he’ll have mellowed a bit.’
‘Settled down to grow organic veg and play the fucking lute? Not likely, he wants to go out in a blaze of glory, very rock and roll. It’s amazing he’s lasted this long, actually. There’s a hotel room somewhere with his name on it, trust me.’
‘Well, you gave him a chance.’
She smiles.
‘Next weekend is like next year in Jimmy world. Forty-eight hours is about the most he can cope with. I didn’t give him any chance at all. I can’t afford to. He’d blow it. There’d be pictures of her in all the papers, and I don’t want that for her.’
‘Of course you don’t.’
‘No more news from Daniel, I take it?’
‘No, not since the DNA letter.’
‘God, men can be so useless.’
‘Some of them.’
‘All of them. What man do you know who you’d really trust with your kids?’
‘My brother Vin.’
‘I’d forgotten about him. Okay, apart from him?’
‘There are some nice men out there, Grace, I’m sure there are.’
‘Names?’
‘My friend Connie’s husband Mark, he’s lovely, and Martin, he’s helping me do the website for the shop, and Reg, he’s nice.’
‘He married your Gran, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ve always had terrible taste in men. I always go for the bad boys. But I think I might try something a bit less complicated next time.’
‘Next time?’
‘I’m holding auditions, cast to be announced.’
‘How lovely.’
Maxine comes back in.
‘He did a quick interview at the gates and then got back into his car. He said he’s respecting his daughter’s privacy so he won’t be discussing anything. He looked pretty pissed off, though.’
‘I bet he did. Right, I’m starving. What about you, Jo? I think Sam has made cake, if you’re interested. And I want to look at those patterns. Have we got those studio dates sorted yet, Max? I want to get them into Jo’s diary.’
‘They’re still confirming.’
‘Well, let her have them as soon as we know. We’re off to Paris tomorrow, for meetings about the Simone de Beauvoir film. Come with us, if you like.’
‘I’d love to, but I’ve got the school Summer Fayre on Saturday. I’m doing the white-elephant stall. Appropriate, don’t you think?’
Maxine smiles.
‘I’ll sort out a couple of bags for you. We get loads of requests for stuff for charity auctions so I’ve got a cupboard full of things Grace has signed off. Come and have a look.’
‘That would be great. If you’re sure?’
Grace nods.
‘I’ll meet you in the kitchen. I need food.’
After standing and marvelling in front of the charity cupboard outside Maxine’s office, and recognising some of the costumes from Grace’s films, I realise Maxine hasn’t really understood just how low-key our white-elephant stall is likely to be. There’s no way we could sell any of this stuff for anything like the money they’d get at a proper charity event, so we end up agreeing that I’ll take a beautiful beaded shawl, which we can have as some sort of top-prize incentive, and then I sit knitting with Grace for half an hour, while she picks at a salad and I try to resist a second slice of fruit cake.
* * *
She hugs me as I’m leaving, which isn’t something she’s done before.
‘Thanks, Jo.’
‘My pleasure. Well, not pleasure, but you know. Any time.’
‘So you’d come, even if you weren’t on the payroll?’
‘Of course I would, if only for the cake.’
She laughs.
‘Great. And you signed a confidentiality thing, didn’t you, the one Max sent you?’
‘Of course I did, Grace.’
‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have mentioned it. You never ask for stuff, and I like that. Everyone always wants something.’
‘Well, now you mention it –’
‘What?’
‘I’m joking; but a few top tips on how I’m going to carry off being dressed as a Victorian milkmaid while we’re on our white-elephant stall would be good.’
She smiles as Maxine appears with a large carrier bag.
‘Grace asked me to put a couple of extra things in for you and your friend. But not for the stall, though, Okay?’
‘Thank you so much. That’s really kind.’
Maxine walks me to my car.
‘Thanks for today, Jo – it really helped having you here. She was pretty rattled.’
‘I don’t blame her.’
‘If they try to stop you at the gates, just say you don’t know what they’re talking about, okay?’
‘Sure.’
‘Most of them have left, so you should be fine. Bruno will see you out. And I’ll call you later with those dates.’
‘Thanks, for the shawl and everything. It’ll be the star of our stall.’
As soon as I’m out of sight of the house I stop the car to look in the bag; there’s a beautiful pale-blue kimono that I remember Grace wearing when she was heavily pregnant, and it’s so enormous I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to fit into it, even if it won’t wrap round quite as much as it did on her. And there’s a gold evening bag that I’m sure Connie will love. We’ll put some money in the pot for the stall, and get to feel like film stars at the same time. Brilliant.
I’m ten minutes early for school, so I nip into the hall to see how the new school banner is coming along. Mrs Chambers is sitting sewing on a border of the knitted picture squares the top class made, interspersed with brightly coloured squares in different fabrics. Satin and velvet mostly, from the oddments that parents have brought in. She’s dyed a large flannel sheet pale grey, and we’ve made up the letters for Broadgate School from the different strips of knitting Mrs Callender’s class made. The sea looks particularly good in lots of different shades of blue knitted squares, courtesy of Archie’s class, and the school building is looking much clearer now Mrs Pickering has hemmed round the grey and brown squares in black wool.
‘We’re going to start sewing on the trees tomorrow. The children are so excited. They keep coming over to have a look and see where their work is going. Even Mrs Morgan was having a look earlier on too.’
We exchange glances.
‘Will you still be in on Friday so we can star
t on the people? Mr O’Brien’s doing history with my lot for the afternoon, so I’ll be free until three.’
‘Yes, Friday should be fine. How many squares have we got now?’
Mrs Chambers has solved the problem of how to turn an assortment of woollen shapes into little stick people by sewing them on to pieces of grey flannel and giving them out in batches to all the sewing volunteers to add arms and legs and faces. Jane Johnson and Mrs Pickering have done quite a few, and Mrs Williams who runs the Brownies should definitely get a gold sewing badge for her brilliant range of different-coloured faces and hair, all neatly embroidered in silks and wools.
‘I thought we could sew Mr O’Brien’s bell on top of the clock tower on Friday. He’s very keen we don’t forget.’
‘Great.’
‘And I thought I should warn you, he’s mentioned you in his end-of-term letter. Saying thank you for coming in to do the knitting.’
‘That was kind of him. I hope he thanked you too.’
‘Oh yes, but you get a special mention.’ She winks and I know exactly what she’s thinking: Annabel Morgan is going to love that.
Connie’s thrilled with the gold bag, and we arrange to sort through all the jumble tomorrow after school; we’ve already diverted two full bin bags to the recycling skips outside Sainsbury’s, and I’ve got a feeling there’ll be more when we start on the next load of carrier bags waiting for us in the school secretary’s office.
Connie’s taking Nelly to ballet, which she’s recently started, mainly because she likes the outfits, so I bring Marco home with us, and Archie throws a strop when he and Jack won’t let him join in their Lego game.
I’m knackered by bedtime, but I’ve tried on the kimono and it fits, so I’m slinking about wearing it after my bath, when it finally starts to rain and everything cools down.
Jimmy’s performance today has rattled me; it’s reminded me that there’s probably still more to come from Daniel at some point. More lawyer’s letters, who knows. The baby’s moving a lot tonight, like it’s trying to get comfortable. Oh God, I wish this was Nick’s baby. I really do. It would be so much simpler. I know, I’ll write a list; that always helps. A list and some tea, and I can lie and listen to the rain and try to get some sleep.
