by Ann Stewart
“Why don’t you just tell her to back the fuck off? Tell her that she’s being a complete cunt and that she needs to cut you some slack.” Oliver’s stern face is actually adorable. He’s convinced that you can talk to someone like Arianna with reasoning. He doesn’t realize that she’s a demon feeding off my soul and with her there is no sympathy for the damned.
I shrug. “I’ll get by. I just need to pull up my big girl panties and ride out the wave until I can transfer to another department or better yet another company.” Wow, saying that out loud was kind of invigorating. I had thought about it, but actually saying it to someone other than myself, makes it more real, makes it more attainable.
“What?! No! You can’t leave. Not when I just got here. I’ll help you. If you need me to…I’ll stay after hours and do whatever you need. Just don’t go.” His voice is on the verge of begging and his white knuckled grip on the steering wheel makes me glad it’s not me.
“Calm down there, firecracker. For the moment, you’re stuck with me.” Unfortunately, I have no real prospects, nor a place to live if I chose to quit. I won’t fall back on my sister, if I can help it. She’s done enough for me in her lifetime; she doesn’t need the added pressure to her picture perfect life. I bite the inside of my cheek and continue to stare at him.
“Speaking of your big girl panties,” he chuckles, “Can we consider this a first date since technically you don’t have a boyfriend? You know, the end of date usually equals…”
“Oliver…” I push against his chest as he inches closer. I’m trying terribly hard not to let him get attached, trying to keep whatever this is between us as light as possible. No attachment means no heartache.
“You’re going to give into me eventually.” Shaking my head, I reach down and move his hand away from my knee and place a chaste kiss on his cheek before pulling the handle and bolting out the door.
Oliver rolls down his window as I walk away. He yells, his voice echoing in the night, “Goodnight, Ely Bean!”
As I turn to give him a small waive, I still as my heart skips a beat. Looking back to the covered trash cans, I see what looks like Cole’s Jeep parked just out of view. Why would he be here? It’s been weeks since I’ve heard from him; the Alzheimer’s event to be exact. I shake my head. No, I’m sure it’s not his. He has no reason to be here for me, even though we did leave our friendship on the floor, shattered in pieces the last time I was with him. With thoughts of Cole pushed back inside, but the apprehension very real, I begin running the short distance to my apartment.
I’ve actually felt uneasy for weeks now. Walking to my car at work, rushing to my apartment, I even freaked out in a Target parking lot. I can’t shake the feeling someone’s been watching me. Who? I’m not sure, especially because I haven’t really seen anyone or anything. Until tonight, it’s more like a woman’s intuition and it’s scaring the crap out of me.
I’ve never had a fear of living alone and I’m not going to start now. Cole or no Cole, I have to be stronger than being spooked by a damn car.
The moment my door closes, like any other day, unease is replaced with depression. Shaking the thought of Cole, I look around my apartment and flashes of memories of Alex are everywhere. The kitchen: kissing me, gently lifting me on top of my counter. The living room: my couch where we made love for the first time. And, then there’s my bedroom. My eyes turn to the open door, where darkness awaits to consume me. This was where he held me and kept me whole after I poured my soul to him.
Being around Oliver dulls the pain, but only slightly. With him I remember what it feels like to laugh and be myself again. Moments with Oliver are the only time I feel some semblance of who I was before Alex got on that damn plane. I walk to my bedroom and discard my clothes into the hamper. I don’t even make an effort to put on pajamas anymore and just sleep in my underwear.
I want sleep to devour me. Unfortunately, the universe has other plans. Just as I’m about to climb under the covers and soak in my sorrow, my phone buzzes from the side table and flashes a picture of my sister. Why can’t everyone just let me be?
With a heavy sigh, I answer the phone. “Yes Rach.”
“Well, don’t you sound all bubbly? What’s crawled up your butt and died?” My relationship.
“I’m just tired, Rach. What’s up?” I’m so exhausted, I can’t even feign happiness.
“You’re always so freaking tired. That’s all you’ve been for weeks. You haven’t been over to see us and when I go to see you, you’re in bed or at work. What’s going on with you? Should I be worried?”
Tears brim over my lids as I pull myself into a fetal position. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone and I feel like I’m suffocating. With a sob, I peel back the agony and let out a tortuous cry for help. “I’m just so miserable, Rach. I miss him. I miss him so much.” I cry into the phone, gripping it against my cheek.
“Oh El, honey don’t cry. He’ll be home soon enough. Is that what this has been about? You missing Alex?” I nod, not that she can see me. “Have you talked to him?”
I take a deep breath trying to calm myself. “It would hurt to talk to him, Rach. I ended things before he left. I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep opening the wound.”
“You what?!” Listening to her raised voice, I pull the phone away from my ear. “I can’t believe you broke up with him. Why?”
“It was just too…complicated. There’s just…he’s…everything is so tremendously complicated.”
After a moment of silence, she sighs. “I really thought you had found your one.”
My body trembles and after I pull the covers tight around me, I realize it’s not from the cold. “I did too.”
“You need me, El, I’m coming over.” A statement, not a question.
Brushing away my tears, I attempt to sound more put together. “Don’t be silly. I’m just having a moment. This too shall pass.” I attempt a fake smile through the phone.
“If you need me you’ll call, right?” I hear the concern in her voice and I hate to make her worry.
“Yes Rach. Now go to sleep. Tell Bryan I said hello.”
“I will. I love you, El.”
“I love you, more.”
With my sister finally off the phone I’m able to fully succumb to my depression. It’s one thing to grow apart, fall out of love, or just realize you’re incompatible. But in my case, I know Alex is my one, my other half. If it wasn’t for all of the other outside influences, I would be waiting in anticipation for him to come home.
Instead, I’m wrapped up in my comforter like a dejected burrito crying my eyes out, just hoping that sleep will dull the pain. Problem with sleep, he’s there. He’s always there. In my dreams, smiling, kissing me, touching me everywhere as a reminder he’s claimed every inch of my body. But like a sick joke, I wake. I wake in my bed lonely and cold without him and I have to push through my day again with a reminder of what I had.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
I don’t know why I go to bed thinking that any day will be different than the day before. Call me optimistic to think I might get more than a few hours of sleep, but like yesterday, today is no different. In an effort to make a change, I decide to call Maggie and let her know I’ll be working from home.
“You haven’t been yourself lately. I know Arianna’s working you to death, but I need you. You’re my little shining star,” her bubbly voice brings a small, but brief, smile to my face.
“I’m trying, Maggie. Last thing I want is to let you down, I’ve just been so tired.”
“Honey, you aren’t letting me down. I know you’ve been pulling sixteen hour days for the last few weeks, and I’m partially at fault for not putting my foot down with Arianna. Stay out of the office and take a ‘me’ day. Go get a massage, get your nails done and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
We say our goodbyes and I’m left alone. I used to love being left with my thoughts, but lately I really hate the silence that solidarity brings. Pre-Alex I wo
uld have jumped at the chance of doing all of those annoying things girls do when they’re alone: moisturize our feet, trim our bikini line, along with some waxing. Now, when I’m alone my mind constantly drifts. Like now. Shit...I really need to get out of this apartment. I guess I could go see Rachel and Bryan, but after my cry fest last night, I know Rachel would interrogate me. She doesn’t know the game twenty questions; her version is twenty-thousand questions. She’s relentless and sadly, not what I need right now.
Instead, being the unexciting person that I am, I’m left with only one choice: plopping on my couch to watch some television. What I wouldn’t give to get lost in the world of infomercials and daytime train-wrecks. Maybe Maury has another “Who’s My Baby Daddy?” episode on. As I flip through the channels, the television inadvertently pauses on a campaign raising awareness for Alzheimer’s. My breath stops and I can feel a pang, the first real hurt in my already dead chest, as I think about Alex’s grandmother, Nana Molly.
A week after Alex left was the only time I visited with Nana and even then I didn’t stay long. She wasn’t having a good day, if there is such a thing as a good day when you have Alzheimer’s. I’m thankful that while Alex is away, she at least has Delores, her live in nurse. I had said I would visit again, but the thought of going back left a big ache in my heart, and I haven’t been back since. A solitary tear trickles down my saddened face, remembering how I told her I would take care of him and how I’m failing miserably. Of course, in a sick and twisted way, I am trying to keep that promise.
I find myself missing her with each passing minute. It’s been too long. Regardless of what’s going on with me and Alex I really should go see her. Mind set, I turn the television off and head to the bedroom to get ready. Maybe visiting Nana will fill a portion of the void I feel inside.
~~~~~
“Elyssa? The last time you looked so distressed, I wasn’t expecting to see you again.” Delores peers at me with a look of astonishment from the partly open door.
I shake my head in annoyance at myself. I didn’t mean to leave with the impression I was upset or distressed. Nana doesn’t deserve my selfishness. She deserves love and companionship. “I’m sorry, Delores. I didn’t mean to leave like that. Things have just been...well, they’ve been uncontrollable and I was hoping to spend some time with her if she’s up for company.”
Even through her confused facial expression, she’s a sight for sore eyes. I’ve missed everything affiliated with Alex and know instantly this was the right thing to do. Being here at his home, even if he’s not, with her face and kind eyes reminds me of a time when I was happy.
Shaking her head, Delores’ face falls. She’s upset. “I didn’t think of calling you, but Miss Molly is in the hospital. She had a terrible fall and she’s been there since Monday.”
“Oh my God,” I whisper. “Is she okay? What hospital?”
“She’s hanging in there. They believe she caught an infection which gave me a right ole scare. But, I know she’d love a visit from you. She’s at the hospital not too far from here, on the Southwest side of town.”
I thank Delores in a rush and run down the path towards my car waving goodbye over my shoulder. If only I had come sooner, I would’ve known. I shiver thinking that she’s all alone and immediately my thoughts go to Alex. He didn’t even call to let me know she was hurt. Why hasn’t he come back to town to be with her? Not that I would have answered his call, anyways. But right now, it doesn’t even matter.
~~~~~
Thankfully, I was smart enough and called ahead to get Nana’s room number, so when I got to the hospital I didn’t have to waste any time hunting someone down for information. Standing in front of her room, I take a deep breath before I knock and push open the door. I don’t know what’s up with me lately, but the instant I see her in the hospital bed, tubes and IV lines going in all sorts of directions, tears well in my eyes. She appears to be sleeping and there’s a larger tube in her mouth. The only sound echoing through the room is her breathing and the machine showing her steady heartbeat.
Walking towards her tiny frame, I sit in the chair next to her bed, and reach over and take her petite hand in mine. I run my thumb over her prominent veins and lean over to rest my cheek against the back of her cold skin, letting the guilt wash over me.
“I’m sorry, Nana. So sorry I haven’t been here for you. But, I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.” I shake my head and continue to caress her skin. Minutes pass while silent tears stream down my face. Although she can’t hear me, I feel the compulsion to confess, so I do. “He deserved better than me. That’s the only reason I didn’t know you were here. I haven’t been talking to him and I hope I’m doing the right thing by giving him space and time to get past what we had.”
I look over her tranquil face for a sign that she forgives me, a sign she doesn’t hate me for hurting Alex. Instead, all I see is the ascension of the breathing machine as her chest rises and falls. The only other movement is the liquids running through the clear tubes giving her static body nutrients. I rest my cheek against our clasped hands as I talk to Nana about everything that’s happened since Alex’s departure. I know if she were awake, she would appreciate the depravity of my decisions. She would tell me I had no other choice, and that she understood.
I jolt awake with the steady strum of the heart machine. I must have fallen asleep resting against the side of her bed; her hand still in mine. Mercifully, my jolt didn’t rouse Nana, allowing me to watch her peaceful body rest. Still groggy, I’m pulled from my thoughts by two distinct voices entering the room. Panic encapsulates me, knowing it’s too late to flee.
“Mr. James, your grandmother’s condition is stable for now. We need to keep her sedated since she’s intubated and we need to take her for additional testing to make sure the infection hasn’t spread. Her chest x-rays are a little cloudy and she isn’t breathing completely on her own yet. But that’s just a portion of the problem. I’d like to get an MRI which should give us the information we need.”
I rub my swollen eyes and stand instantly. Entering right after the doctor is my heart. Sleep deprived and just as handsome as ever. His brown hair disheveled, his clothes wrinkled, but even with dark circles under his eyes, it takes nothing away from his vibrant blue irises. I fidget with my hair, patting it to make sure it’s not a complete mess before he notices me. I may be a mess, inside and out, but I can at least try to keep up appearances.
The doctor comes to a halt when he notices me; Alex almost stumbles into him the back of him. Cocking his head to the right to peer over the doctor’s shoulder, Alex shudders when he realizes what halted the doctor’s progression. Me. I should have known he would be here. He would never leave his grandmother, alone in the hospital. Frozen in space and time, we both stare at one another. Green eyes to blue. Not sharing a single breath. The doctor looks between the two of us, but neither of us break our gaze.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Statton.” He extends his hand to me. I tear my eyes away from Alex, allowing myself a small breath, and shake the doctor’s hand.
“Elyssa Hart, I’m a friend of the family.” The instant the doctor releases my hand, my weary eyes return to Alex and I’m not surprised at what I find. Hands fisted, a murderous look clouding his face, veins bulging on his forearms. This isn’t going to be good.
“Nice to meet you, Ms. Hart. If you’ll excuse me, we need to take Mrs. James for her MRI.”
Medical personnel come in and get Nana’s bed ready for transport. With my attention solely transfixed on Alex, I barely notice the hustle and bustle going on in the room. Standing menacingly still against the wall, his fists rest against his hips as he stares blankly at the ground. Only when Nana passes him do his eyes soften momentarily, leaning down to place a sweet kiss on her forehead.
I’m not going to lie and say I’m not afraid. I knew the first time we saw each other again would be awkward. I knew Alex would be angry. But when you add the additional stress of Nana being in the
hospital…that makes him volatile. The instant the door closes I expect him to unleash his fury. Instead he crosses his arms and leans against the wall. When combined with the eerie silence of the room, his glare directed exclusively on me is intimidating. The muscles of his forearms tense as he attempts to keep his rage under control.
We stare in silence for an immeasurable amount of time. What can I say? Hey Alex, it’s been awhile, how’ve you been? Or, You’re pretty quick barefooted at three in the morning. At this point anything I say will set him off.
I might as well get this over with.
Hoping that if I stick with Nana as the topic, he’ll push aside any anger and resentment he has about us. I feel like we are divorced parents squabbling over a child.
I square my shoulders and ask, “How is she?”
“Why the fuck do you care?” Never mind. I guess he’s pissed either way.
“I’ve always cared. I love your grandmother.” My voice is soft.
“Ohhhhh!” Alex throws his hands up in the air as he shouts. “So you love my grandmother, just not me right?” I wince as his voice escalates. Ouch, that one hurt.
Quickly looking down at my tangled fingers, I whisper, “No, I love you both.” Admitting my feelings is probably not the best approach, but if that’s all I can give him right now, he deserves some honesty.
“You have a fucked up way of showing it. Why the fuck are you even here?”
I’m not sure what I expected from him, especially after I left him in the middle of the night, but I guess I wasn’t even prepared a little. It guts me because just a moment ago, when I first saw him, I felt like I could breathe again.
“I went to your house to see Nana and Delores told me she was in the hospital. I came the minute I found out. I’m sorry, I should have…” I shoulda, coulda, woulda. Alex isn’t going to care about all of the ifs, ands, or buts, that I should have done. He’s only going to care that I didn’t do anything.
