by Ann Stewart
Not knowing what kind of reaction I’m going to receive, I approach slowly hoping that today is a good day. At least for now.
“Nana?” Her eyes light up as I approach.
“Elyssa dear,” her voice is sweet, but weak, “I’m so happy to see you.” Walking farther into the room, I see how beautifully decorated it is. Her space is so peaceful and relaxing with white lilies, pink orchids, and every color of roses imaginable. Exactly what she needs. What anyone would need while they’re recovering. It intrigues me, because I wasn’t aware she knew this many people and makes me wonder who they’re all from. Being the wonderful grandson that he is, I wouldn’t doubt if Alex created this space for her.
“How precious? You know how much I love Elvis,” she whispers as she picks up the teddy bear I placed on her nightstand, dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit. I saw it in the gift shop downstairs and immediately knew I needed to get it for her. I know how much she loves Elvis, and if it makes her even slightly happy, I had to try.
“It sings?” I smile and nod at her, unable to form any coherent sounds, while I lean over and press his foot. Can’t Help Falling In Love comes from the bear’s animated lips, swaying in Nana’s feeble hands. She continues to watch the bear dance before clutching the fluffy toy to her chest. Her eyes glisten and before a tear can escape Nana blots the moisture away. “Thank you, my dear.”
I go to sit next to her and feel ecstatic she’s here today. The last few times I’ve been with her, she hasn’t been so lucid. So this, this is nice. “There are so many flowers, Nana.” I smile at the warm colors blooming around the room, along with her somber smile.
“Yes. Please do tell your sister and Bryan thank you.” She nods towards a modest arrangement with a get well balloon attached. I wouldn’t expect any less coming from my sister and her thoughtful nature. I haven’t even had a chance to tell Rachel about Nana which means Bryan’s been talking to Alex. Again.
“I will. We’re all worried about you.”
“Yes…” Her gaze focuses on the flowers at the foot of her bed. “Including my precious Alexander.” I nod, knowing full well he’s on high alert when it comes to all things medical and Nana. It was inevitable we would start talking about Alex, but I’m a bit selfish and thought by keeping our conversation light, we could avoid all things Alex. That or she wouldn’t sense my attempt to evade the elephant in the room. But, I guess not.
“He loves you, you know?” she continues, her cheeks gaining a shade of color at the discussion of love. It makes me hope she’s thinking of her own loves from her past. She told me a little bit about her late husband, but only enough to know that she loved him. Immensely. And the thought of her only grandson not having that in return made her terribly sad.
I nod again as my throat tightens. “I’m sorry, Nana.” Nervously I toy with a piece of thread on my pants; I look down as I continue to speak. “I know I promised you that I’d keep him safe and I’m trying, but….everything got so complicated.” She sees my disappointment and gestures for me to come closer. I stand and go sit next to her on the bed.
“Sometimes you have to experience pain in order to appreciate the joys in life. I’m not sure what’s going on between the two of you, and I know it’s none of my business. But Lord knows how long you have in this world, child. Alex didn’t want to talk about it while he was away and he hasn’t answered any of my questions since he’s been back. But, I know he needs someone to talk to and from the looks of it, so do you.”
“Maybe at a different time or place things could have turned out differently. Sometimes when all of the odds are against you, your only choice is to walk away.”
“The key word is choice. If there’s a choice, then there’s more than one solution. Walk away or fight for what you want. I know he’s stubborn and has a hard time expressing himself, but he’s also loyal and protective and has the biggest heart. Try and let him in.”
“He already is, Nana. Right now…right now, is just not the right time for us.”
“He can’t be alone. Please, Elyssa…” I shake my head while she rests against her pillows. A nurse enters, looking at the machines next to her bed before administering medication through her IV line. I watch as her eyes flutter shut and the nurse leaves. “He needs someone else besides me. What happens when I’m gone?” Her whispering voice becomes silent as she succumbs to her medications.
Stroking her cheek, I rest my head against our clasped hands and allow my eyes to close. “I may not be able to be with him, but I promise, Nana…I promise you I will never leave him alone.”
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
I had the pleasure of going to therapy when I was younger, after I lost my parents. What I learned from my many sessions with Mrs. Kregg is that I have to be honest with myself, which means I have to clear the air with Alex. Make my intentions known, apologize for my wrong doings and offer him the only thing I can give him right now; friendship.
Do you hear yourself, Ely? You’re really going to offer him friendship?! That’s like putting a dress on him, offering him a sleepover to braid each other’s hair, and calling him Alexandra. Why not just castrate him while you’re at it?
Too bad you can’t punch your self-conscious in the face because that’s what I’d do right now. I’m nervous. And when I’m nervous, I fidget and talk nonsense to myself. Mostly I just fidget though, with my ring, or with my hair. And that’s what I’m doing right now, twirling my ring while checking e-mails, awaiting my fate.
As I sit and answer some e-mails, delete most of them, and secretly cringe every time I get a new e-mail from Arianna, Maggie or Alex, I have a gut feeling I probably shouldn’t have left work early yesterday. It’s called guilt. After I was basically told that I suck at my job was probably not the best choice. I’m sure Alex will probably see my departure as insubordination. I’m rather surprised when I finish looking through my inbox and don’t find a meeting request from Maggie so she can tear into my ass, or even another team meeting with Alex so he can tell me in front of all my peers what a disgrace I am. Ugh. Nope, there’s nothing but the usual updates and memos.
Feeling lightheaded I cradle my head in my hands as I rest my elbows on my desk. Suddenly, the most horrible feeling of nausea comes over me. I have to fight the urge to run to the bathroom. Nerves.
“Hart, are you ok?” Alex’s voice shocks me and I open two of my fingers and peer at him through the gaps. Standing there looking like man candy in his slate grey shirt and slacks, black tie and shoes, I realize what just happened. He called me Hart. At work. I want to cry.
Breathe. “I’m fine; just a little nauseous.” I try to sit up straight, but feel dizzy. “Can I help you with something?”
“I wanted to come and say thank you. I know I’ve been a dick lately and…” Thank you?! Why would he be thanking me? For ruining his belief in me? Trampling on his heart? Where do I even begin? None of it he should be thanking me for.
“Uhh…excuse me?” Slightly confused would be an understatement. Shouldn’t he be berating me or piling a thick stack of work on my desk. Definitely not thanking me.
“I went by the hospital last night and…” he shakes his head, “You were asleep with that teddy bear next to my grandmother, and I...” his voice tenses as he looks away. “Please thank Rachel for me. The flowers were thoughtful.”
“You were there? Why didn’t you wake me?”
“The last time you were there I kinda scared you off so I figured you wanted your time with her,” he chuckles, without humor. It’s not that I was scared he would physically hurt me; I know he would never do that. I was more scared of facing him after what I did.
“It was nice to sit with her. No matter what you think, she means a lot to me.” He nods his head, not disagreeing with me. It’s now or never. “Listen Alex, I was actually just about to come find you and say I’m sorry for,” I glance at my hand which no longer aches with the reminder of slapping him, “well, you know.”
“I know, Elyss
a, I know.”
Silence swells around us. Not uncomfortably, but still, we are at work. I need to move this along.
“Well, with that being said, I’m hoping things with us…well, I’m hoping we can get past this. I care about you and I still want you in my life.”
Alex nods as my words sink in. He doesn’t seem excited, but he also isn’t screaming and throwing shit at the walls. “Friendship huh?”
“That’s what I have to give right now,” I sigh. This is going a lot better than I thought.
“I guess I’ll take what I can get,” he jests; however, I have a feeling that the statement is not far from the truth. “Let me know if you need me to get you something. You know, if you’re still not feeling well.”
~~~~~
ALEX…
As a last ditch effort for comfort, I placed my hand on her shoulder, lingering a moment longer than I should. I hoped she still felt our connection, because I sure as fuck did. Instead, she nodded her head and let me walk away.
She wants to be my friend. God, that’s like ripping off my balls, dipping them in batter, deep frying them, and then serving them like fucking hush puppies. I can’t say it’s not painful, because this shit is excruciating, especially when she means so much more to me.
She’s fucking everywhere. In my head, with my sick grandmother, when I turn the corner at work. Everywhere. I can’t escape her. The shitty part of it is, if I’m being honest with myself, I don’t want to. With each passing day, it gets harder to be in the same room with her, let alone the same city. At least when I was in New York I didn’t have to hear her laugh, see her curled up in a ball sleeping with Nana, or see her doing simple shit like talking to Janice. I know, I know. Cry me a fucking river. But this shit hurts.
Finally, the one girl I let creep into my heart, is the same one that shatters it. She keeps asking for time, but I don’t have time. Doesn’t she know what time does to you? Time only matters when you’re telling it, and right now, I’m telling it to hurry the fuck up.
I’ve tried almost every tactic I can think of with her. I tried to appeal to her emotions and just tell her how I feel and what I’ve been thinking, but that didn’t work. I tried to use sex and fuck her into admitting she loves me, that she’s still in love with me. You know what that did? That shit just gave me something more to crave every time I look at her. I even went as far as thanking her for visiting Nana and giving her that damn teddy bear that doesn’t shut the fuck up, but that didn’t do shit either. No, what it did was put me directly in the friends zone.
Coercion and guilt didn’t work when I asked her to help me “catch up” and convinced her to stay late. That ended with the image of her sprawled across my desk, spread wide, panting, and now I can’t even work in my office without getting hard. As an added bonus she fucking hit me. Okay, I’m not a pussy. She hits like a girl, so...
Fuck, I need to stop acting like a pansy. I’m at work for Christ’s sake. And if I don’t leave now, I’m going to be late for a meeting. A meeting I don’t really want to go to, because I would rather spend it alone. In my office. Fantasizing about her. But off I go, into the elevator to take me to another shit meeting about dealing with failing numbers, and getting blamed for all of it.
Today, if I can ever get her alone, will be another attempt to make her face what’s in front of her. Me. And speaking of being in front of me, my dick just twitched at the sight of Elyssa fucking Hart. Watching her stroll right into the elevator, her back to my front, tightens my pants in all the right places. Perfect. The best thing about this scenario being played out in front of me like a wet dream…she doesn’t even know I exist in the same space she does. I could not have planned this better.
My eyes roam the packed elevator and I see that not a single soul is paying attention to me, or my wandering hands. I reach around and pull her tighter against my already hard front. An audible gasp so low, I only hear it, gives way for my hand to snake around and caress her naval. Oh, she’s resisting all right, which gives way to the very taunting smirk on my face as she turns around to see who just groped her. Her pupils dilate and I know I have her; she’s wet with hunger for me. Only for me. Fuck.
“Turn back around,” I breathe against her ear, she complies willingly. Gripping her hips, I begin the slow torture of grinding her against my growing erection. A low rumble escapes my lips and I forget we’re in a crowded elevator and rest my forehead against the back of her head, basking in the moment. But all too soon, the discussion amidst our fellow coworkers brings me out of my sex-induced moment of insanity and at the same time Elyssa pushes me away. Slapping my stomach, I take a step back and lean against the wall, breath ragged.
The elevator pings on the eighteenth floor and I only have one more shot before I leave. Leaning over, I whisper in her ear with a low growl, “You will always be mine.”
~~~~~
I’ve been going crazy since I had her pressed against my dick in the elevator. Such a constant ache not to have her near me; all parts of me screaming with need. I know I should be pissed. I know she left me high and dry in New York. I know she fucking ignored me for weeks, couldn’t even send me a text message to let me know she was thinking of me. But even with all of that, I fucking want her. No, want isn’t enough to describe how I feel. I fucking need her.
Time is non-existent, food has no flavor, and everything that was once vibrant and alive with color is now dull and murky. She took all of that away. What sucks worse is that I was fine before her. I enjoyed my life. Now? Nothing. She has sucked the joy out of everything I once was content with. Now nothing seems the same unless she’s near.
“Mr. James?” I look towards Janice who’s looking at me as if I’m one card short of a deck.
“Janice,” I nod. Shit. Maybe I am going a little insane. I search the office trying to look inconspicuous, which isn’t easy to do when I have Janice looming over me. I want to ask her about Elyssa; about what she did when we were apart. But something tells me Janice doesn’t know much. That or she wouldn’t betray her friendship with Elyssa.
I set the papers in my hand on Janice’s desk and look down, my eyes running over her normally tidy workspace. What am I even looking at? The outgoing mail? Shit.
“Everything okay, Mr. James? Anything I can get for you? Maybe some coffee?” Her question goes unanswered as I watch Elyssa pass by the far wall. I should go. Fuck she’s beautiful. Just ignore it. This too shall pass. Fuck. If I rush, I can catch up with her.
Stumbling away when opportunity flashes in front of my face, I glance back at Janice’s puzzled face and shake my head with a devious smile. Remind me to give her a raise for dealing with my bullshit. Walking away from Janice, I hone in on where I think she’s headed. Oliver’s desk. I hate that sneaky fucker. And I hate that he’s weaseled his way into Elyssa’s life. But, we’re at work, and I’m already walking a fine line as it is.
Peaking around the corner to his desk, the word “stalker” flickers in neon lights. However, in my defense, stalkers are usually creepy. I, on the other hand, am obsessed…yes, possessive…yes, somewhat irrational…absolutely. But of everything that I am, I’m in love. They say love makes you do crazy shit. I watch her approach and open the closest door which leads right to the men’s bathroom. Without thinking about the repercussions, I grab her hand and yank her in with me backing our way into a nearby stall. I reach behind her causing a gasp, my chin brushes against her shoulder as I lock the stall door. Aggressively, I yank on her body until she’s straddling my lap.
“Alex…what are you doing?” she breathes, heavily.
“I’m talking to you,” I pant, my breathing ragged against her neck. I kiss her in the spot I know will be her undoing. Pushing against her will, I slide her skirt up to reveal her pink lacy panties. Another fucking growl escapes my lips, drinking in her flawless curves. “Fuck me,” I groan, as I close my eyes and sit back.
“We shouldn’t do this here,” she whispers with a fool hearted attempt to p
ush my hand away. I am not budging. I want to taste. I have to have a taste. Pushing aside her underwear, I stroke her folds, wetting her clit with her own arousal. My fingers dig into her ass before I pull out my right index finger and bring it to my waiting tongue. I lap up all of her juices and continue my assault.
“You’re so wet.” Demanding her body to submit to the pressure, I slip two fingers inside her again. “I love watching you fall apart in my hands, Hart.” My lips brush against the nape of her neck before swallowing her moans of pleasure with a kiss full of need and want.
“Alex, we shouldn’t...” She’s going to be the death of me. “Oh God!” she moans, shaking her head pleading for me to stop at the same time running her hands through my hair, tugging at the length as she grinds against my eager fingers.
“You won’t see me outside of work. You won’t talk to me. You barely look at me. It’s as if I don’t exist to you since I came back from New York. Now you want to be friends.” I can see the wall that surrounds her slowly crumble. Both of us panting, she clasps desperately onto my strained wrists, willing me to hold still.
“Alex...” she moans. I love the sound of my name on her tongue. I especially like it when she’s screaming it while I’m pounding into her. Her sounds of pleasure almost drown out the creak of the bathroom door opening. Shit. Quickly and quietly, she moves her hands to cup her mouth, all the while allowing me to continue to move my fingers aggressively inside her. I’m not sure if it’s the excitement of someone being near or her body giving into her desires, but she begins to grind harder against my hand. Whatever it is, I’ll take it.
I’m unable to contain myself. I try to remain quiet, but there’s only one way I know how. Elyssa has the same idea as our mouths crash into each other, acting as a silencer for the passion coursing through our veins. The sound of water causes me to still while our visitor washes his hands before leaving the bathroom. We rest our foreheads against one another, sighing as I look deep into her emerald green eyes.
