by Ann Stewart
I nod and stand, walking towards my escape route, but not before Arianna adds a final word. “Oh, and Elyssa?” I turn to face her. “I hope everything went well for you at the doctor’s office.” The grin on her face speaks a thousand words.
I rush out the door and around the corner before I rest myself against the wall of the hallway as a mini panic attack ensues. She knows about my appointment. How much about it, I do not know, but she knows. I grasp my belly. Arianna is one fruit loop short of being Toucan Sam; who knows what she’d do if she knew I was pregnant.
All I know is that I have to protect LJ at all costs; nothing, and I mean nothing, is more important.
~~~~~
Standing at my threshold, holding a pint of pecan praline ice cream as a peace offering, Cole has some nerve showing up at my doorstep.
“Can I come in?” he asks, skeptically.
I never expected him to set foot on my doorstep again, especially after the awkward run in outside of the doctor’s office. I’m just as surprised as he is when I nod and step aside, allowing his lean body to nervously walk past me into my apartment.
Cole takes the ice cream to the kitchen while I climb onto my couch, pulling my knees up under my chin. He navigates around my kitchen as if it were yesterday that we were hanging out, watching movies or playing video games. He rifles through my drawers in search of an ice cream scooper before making a bowl for me, placing the carton in the freezer.
Cole’s current presence is a literal conundrum in my life. He represents both my past and my present and I’m not sure what to trust when it comes to him. It’s hard to forget that he was my first, my best friend, my partner in crime. But, in the here and now, he’s caused irrevocable pain, doubt, and anxiety. I honestly don’t know what to do with it all. He’s everything that I don’t want or need in my life right now. Which doesn’t explain why I allowed him in without any reservations. Nor does it explain why I’m accepting a bowl of ice cream as I watch him pull my ottoman directly in front of me, sitting mere feet away.
Cole tilts his chin towards my luggage that’s sitting on the carpet next to the sofa. “Going somewhere?”
“Reno,” I mutter, setting the bowl on the table next to my couch.
Leaning forward, he nods and rests his elbows on his knees. “Is it okay to fly in your…condition?”
It’s useless to deny the fact that I’m pregnant. At least I know Alex and Cole are most definitely not on speaking terms, so there is no risk in my admission. “Yes, it’s fine.” I give him short answers, hoping he will cut to the chase and explain why he’s here.
“Alex going with you?”
“No, Oliver.”
“That’s the new guy?” I nod and take another bite of the slightly melted ice cream. I can no longer hold back my curiosity, “Why are you here Cole?”
We are in some sort of staring contest, and I’m not sure who is winning. What I do know is that with every passing moment that he doesn’t answer me, it’s like the slow rumble of a Harley being started. Slowly moving its way through the pipes and out the exhaust in a loud growl. Only this is in my gut and I’m about ready to pounce.
“Earlier you said something. It’s been bugging me. You said this was your second chance.” Crap! “You barely started a relationship with Alex not that long ago and I know that I was the only other guy you slept with…so…”
“What are you getting at, Cole?” I ask angrily. The anger is the only thing keeping me from crying, so I’m gonna stick with antagonizing him.
“I guess I just don’t understand why you never told me. I never would’ve forced your hand and made you do something you didn’t want to do. Would I have loved to start a family with you…yes, but I never would have forced you. I wish you would have told me.”
“Cole, what in the hell are you talking about?” I clench my fist.
“I’m talking about the abortion.” He’s looking at me as if he’s solved the million dollar question. Unfortunately, he got it all wrong. And unfortunately for me, that is the last straw.
Abortion?! Does he really think that I decided to get rid of a baby behind his back? Does he not remember anything about our past? No! Of course he doesn’t. He was always so inebriated that he couldn’t ever think straight, let alone remember an argument which resulted in me being pushed on top of a coffee table.
I stand, throwing my arms in the air. “I never had an abortion, Cole! It was never my choice. My choice was taken from me!”
He sits back, obviously searching for clarification, “I don’t understand. You said…”
“I know what I said.” I sit back down taking my head into my hands. I always wanted to tell him, I just never knew how to start the conversation, nor did I know how he would react. “It was a long time ago, Cole. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It may be a long time ago for you, but I’m barely finding out about it. And, of course it matters. If it happened to you, it will always matter to me. You can’t keep me in the dark, Ely. Don’t you think I deserve to know?”
It’s now or never, Ely. You know he’s right. He deserves to know.
With a heavy sigh, I worry my lip and stare at the bowl of melted syrup in my lap, and then begin my story. One I should have told a long time ago. “Right before we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and with the way our relationship was sinking, I didn’t tell you. In my mind I was struggling with the idea of raising a baby with you, or alone, but then dreading the idea of having my life taken from me. You were always drunk.” I shake my head. “Are you sure you want to hear this? It’s not the ending you think, Cole, and…”
“Please, I need to know what happened to my baby.”
“Fine, you’re right.” Setting the bowl on the end table, I straighten my body and look into his eyes. If he wants to know the truth, so be it. “You were drunk and they called me to come get you from the bar. Do you remember that?”
Cole appears solemn as he shakes his head and leans back, evidently he does remember the memory I’m about to drudge up. He pales at the realization.
“We argued and…” My voice trails off as Cole interrupts me.
“I pushed you.” I nod my head in defeat.
Cole’s eyes become vacant as he searches his memories. His pupils move around the room frantically as if he’s running through what he remembers from that day. Then, as if he breaks through a wall he’s barricaded around the truth, his eyes meet mine. It takes him another minute, before he whispers, “I made you lose the baby, didn’t I?” His tormented eyes turn glossy, right before they close. “I took away your choice.” Although he’s barely whispering, I can hear him…loud and clear.
I cover my mouth with my hands to muffle the sobs. I never wanted to tell him. Even though I blame Cole for so many awful memories, I never wanted him to carry this burden.
“You fell. I tried to help you up and you wouldn’t let me. You left…you left and you lost our baby and I wasn’t there.” Tears cascade down his cheeks as he clenches his hands together. “Our baby was lost and I was passed out at my apartment.”
Cole stands and walks towards the far end of my living room as he brings his hands to rest on top of his head. He paces back and forth before making a beeline for the door. If I didn’t know him better than anyone, I would be afraid of his next move. But, I know him. I know what a good human being he tries to be. And even though he doesn’t always shine through, he was my best friend, someone I loved, someone who is slowly breaking apart. This will haunt him forever, and I feel guilty because he feels shame. I hold so much grief over the memories, grief that I couldn’t bring myself to console him and scared because I want this baby more than my next breath.
He doesn’t say a word until he reaches the threshold. “You would have made a good Mom, Elyssa…you will make a good Mom.” With his final words Cole gently closes the door behind him, leaving me a sobbing mess on the couch.
CHAPTER 12
Frida
y, December 7, 2012
The plane boarded twenty minutes ago and there is still no sign of Oliver. I’m not sure what the holdup is, but he better get his ass in gear and get on the plane. If I knew there was going to be a problem, I wouldn’t have stowed my phone in my purse. In the overhead compartment. Lame, I know. But, I took a Benadryl half an hour ago so I figured I wouldn’t need it.
Oh, and did I tell you the great news? I got a window seat, which is the exact opposite of where I want to be. I have no desire to watch the plane take off or admire the clouds. You know that Twilight Zone movie where the gremlin creature sits on the wing of the plane? Gulp. Definitely not my idea of fun, so if Oliver bails on me, I’m going to kick his ass.
An older gentleman takes the seat next to me. He has a sweet smile and his grey hair shimmers against the rays of the early morning sun shining in from the window. After he takes off his windbreaker and lays it in his lap, he turns to me, “Going to Reno, eh?”
I smile and try to swallow my nerves. The Benadryl should be kicking in by now. “Yes. Never been. You?”
He nods. “Sure am, darlin’, visiting my daughter and grandsons.” He takes out his wallet and pulls out a photo of a beautiful young woman with dark hair, pixie cut, natural make-up and two young boys, a splitting image of their mother. I smile, somewhat lost in my thoughts. I’ve always appreciated family photos. Although they’re a reminder of what I’ve lost, they’re also a keepsake of all the memories I cherish.
“You visiting family?” he asks, blatantly wanting to continue our conversation.
I shake my head no before replying, “Business trip.”
“I hated traveling for work, puts such a strain on relationships. My wife, Betty, practically threatened to divorce me monthly.” He chuckles as a ting of sadness wrinkles his eyes. “I’m sure your family misses you when you are away. You have kids?”
I’m not quite sure how to answer this. He seems harmless and it wouldn’t hurt to confide in someone I just met. Heck, why not? This is something I should rejoice in, telling anyone who will listen. But, like everything in my life, right when I decide to move forward, I’m knocked down a few pegs. As I’m about to entrust my secrets with a total stranger, my throat closes up and I stare in shock.
What. The. Fuck.
Instead of Oliver’s goofy grin, I’m staring up at Alex’s cocky ass smirk. His piercing eyes hone in on me while he places his carry on inside the overhead compartment. He looks between the three seats. He doesn’t seem too happy, but I’m thankful we have someone between us. No deep, life altering conversations this trip. Nope. No sirry-bob.
“Miss, you okay?”
I shake my head and turn my attention back to my traveling companion. “Yes, sorry. No I cu-currently have no kids.” That’s what I’m living on these days. Half truths.
“That’s a shame. They would be beautiful, I’m sure.” I turn red and duck my head slightly. “Don’t you agree?” He looks to Alex, who has leaned forward intently listening to our conversation. He looks gorgeous in a plain black v-neck sweater and jeans. The white of his t-shirt underneath peeks out from the neckline. Hair messy, just like I love it.
“Definitely beautiful,” he smirks, raking his eyes over my black-tight covered legs. I most definitely didn’t dress to see Alex. I was going for relaxed in some leggings and an off the shoulder brown sweater that hugs my curves, falling just below my waist. “As a matter of fact, this stunning girl used to be mine.” Used to be mine; as in past tense. My heart constricts.
“Is that so?” The old man’s silver bushy brows perk up, turning his head from Alex to me. I nod and can’t help the eye roll directed at Alex. “Well, aren’t you a stupid son-of-a for letting this one go?”
Alex chuckles, a sense of contemplation reaches his eyes, before nodding. His sky blue gaze meets mine, “Biggest mistake of my life.” I look towards the window, closing my eyes hoping to shut out the words desperately trying to burrow deep inside my heart. So not fair.
“Well, I know what it’s like to live with regrets. Sometimes they can be as small as three little words that never left your lips before someone is taken from you.” I glance back at the man as his eyes wander, not staring at anything in particular. “Or as big as letting the love of your life slip through your fingers. Don’t let these types of choices haunt you for the rest of your life, son.”
“These types of choices?” Alex questions.
“Choices you have complete control over.” The elderly man tilts his head towards me while he addresses Alex. They continue to chat as if I wasn’t sitting there. “You have a beautiful girl sitting right here. And those eyes…the way she looks at you,” he shakes his head. “A man can only be so lucky to have a girl who looks like her look at you the way she does.”
I can feel my cheeks redden, my chest tightening. Obviously, I don’t hide my feelings well if a complete stranger has reached into my heart and put it out for everyone to see in a matter of minutes.
The left side of his mouth upturns, as Alex shakes his head. “I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t think you’re reading those eyes right. I assume the look she’s giving me is one of shock, not adoration.”
The man chuckles. “You, my boy, have never seen a girl in love before , have you?”
Alex speaks softly as our eyes lock. “Just once.”
“Do you want to sit next to your girl?” The old man stands as he pats my knee, gesturing to Alex to switch seats. I try to stop him, but Alex quickly thanks him and engulfs the space beside me. I sigh and close my eyes, resting my head against the headrest. His bulky frame takes up his seat and encroaches into mine. His knees touch the seat in front of him and his broad shoulders span the width of his chair. Effortlessly, he adjusts to being sandwiched between two people.
“I’m surprised you’re traveling in coach,” I joke, eyes still closed as I search aimlessly for a sense of peace. With the roar of the engine my eyes shoot open. I grip the armrest tightly; nerves anxiously build inside me waiting to burst through. I hate, hate, hate, planes. Ever since my parents’ death, I haven’t been able to set foot on a plane. Well, I guess that’s a lie. This will officially be my second plane trip, including my round trip ticket to heartache. In my defense, when I traveled across the country to make sure Alex was okay, I wasn’t thinking with my right mind. Obviously. Because we all know how well that trip ended.
Knocked up.
Alex takes my hand in his, a small attempt to calm me. I appreciate his comfort and clench my eyes shut as the plane accelerates down the runway. His fingers run over my knuckles and caress my hand over the next few minutes while I grip his palm as if my life depended on it. Instead of feeling the knot in my chest from the utter fear rolling through me, I’m surprisingly calm, focusing only on his light, searing touch. The way his hand caresses mine with each stroke of his finger is the only thing keeping me centered.
Alex turns my hand over, palm facing up; his finger begins to trace letters across my skin. I can make out an I, then an L, then an O. I open my glistening eyes and watch his face as he finishes tracing a V, then an E and finally finishing with a U.
“I think we’re safe now,” Alex whispers, breaking my focus as the plane levels off. He reaches over and unbuckles my seat belt the instant we have the green light to make ourselves comfortable. His arm grazes against my thigh sending tingles to all the wrong places. Wrong because for one we’re on a plane and two because he’s Alex and I’m Elyssa and the universe hates us.
“Thanks.” Our gazes lock and I allow myself to bask in his devotion. His eyes move across my face while his lips tug into a small smile. The moment passes and I pull my hand away and rub my tingling palms against my tights. Alex shows his disappointment by groaning in frustration, tilting his head back.
“What are you doing here, anyways?” That came out worse than intended. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be when I’m around him. One minute I get lost in his eyes, the next I’m brought back to reality. My
reality. Arianna.
His jaw tightens, teeth clenching together, “Well, I’m happy to see you, too.”
Reaching into his pocket, Alex pulls out his iPhone and puts in his earbuds. I can see him starting his playlist as he closes his eyes and leans back, folding his muscular arms across his chest. He doesn’t want to talk anymore? Fine. Two can play this game. I follow his lead, scrolling through my own playlist.
Finally feeling the drowsiness of the medication, I’m partially asleep when Alex pulls out one of my earbuds. “Are you seriously that disappointed that I’m here and he’s not?”
I squint my eyes and shake my head in disbelief. “Are you seriously jealous right now?”
“Jealous?” A devilish grin spreads across his lips as he glances over at our traveling companion. Noticing he’s asleep, Alex brings his attention back to me and leans in to whisper, “What’s there to be jealous of? I’ll admit, at first you had me worried. I thought he may have been a threat, but this man’s right.” Alex points his thumb in the direction of our elderly companion. “I see the way you look at me. I see how nervous I make you. How you react every time I’m close. I may have been blinded by my broken heart, but I know you still feel the same way about me. You’re just scared.” Alex shrugs his shoulders and eases back against his seat.
“So, you’re not jealous then?”
“Are you admitting that you’re disappointed he’s not here? That you wish he was with you instead of me?” I shake my head coyly. “Then what is there to be jealous of? As long as you still want me…there’s still hope.”
“Hope is nothing but a heart’s lie,” I mumble.
“Since when did you become such a pessimist?” The moment I lost my heart to the only man I can’t have.
I shrug and bring my knees up and nuzzle against my chair. Seconds pass before I fall asleep again. I’m not sure if it’s the Benadryl or Alex’s presence, but the anxiety of flying is gone and all I can think about are his words and those ocean blue eyes looking at me.
