by Ann Stewart
“Why did you go all the way to New York if you were just going to up and leave me in the middle of the night?” I wasn’t wrong. Same question.
“Honestly, I was worried about you.” I take a sip of my water hoping to swallow the lump growing in my throat. “I wasn’t prepared to actually see you, or expect for what happened to happen.”
He nods, but whether or not he understands is questionable. “What about the weeks before? You know, when you were ignoring my calls and e-mails. Weren’t you worried about me then?” I know this is a sore subject for him, especially since this is the first time I’ve even allowed him to ask any questions.
“I had my sources keeping me up to date and I knew you were okay.” Which is true; my day wouldn’t have been complete without my daily update from Janice. She had access to his daily agenda and kept me in the loop anytime she made reservations or scheduled meetings.
“Janice?” I nod. Alex turns toward the bar; I can practically see the wheels turning in his head. “So you were worried, but that doesn’t explain why you slept with me if you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you, Alex. That’s never been the problem. Right now, there are just too many factors working against us. You’re not looking at the big picture.”
He runs his hands over his face in frustration. If I were him I’d shake me until I spit it out. I guess he has much more patience than I do. But then asks, “Such as?”
And I don’t hesitate. He wants to know the reasons, here it is. Well, partial reasons. “Arianna for one. Don’t you need your job? Because I sure do.”
“Fuck Arianna.” I think that’s what got us into this problem in the first place, buddy.
“You did that remember? Look where it got you.” Alex shoots daggers in my direction. That was a bad joke. “Okay okay…you can’t just say that Alex. She controls our future.”
“She doesn’t control jack shit, Elyssa. Not mine and she shouldn’t control yours. She doesn’t make decisions about our relationship. We do. If you want me, if you really want me, then you have me. All you have to do is say the word.”
“And what if everything goes to shit? What if we both end up jobless, homeless, and starve to death? What about Nana?”
“Hart,” he sighs, cupping my head in his strong hands. “I’d rather live through struggles with you, than be without you. What’s a life of ease without the struggles that make falling in love worthwhile? I could have been with any of the women from my past. But the moment I met you, everything changed. I don’t care about the position or the money. I only want you.”
As beautiful as that speech was, and trust me I think that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, he can’t dismiss Arianna like that. I know I can’t. If he won’t listen to that sound reasoning, I’m going to have to bring up something that’s going to hurt him even more. Another half truth. “I don’t know if I can deal with your past, Alex. It’s not just Arianna, it’s all of the women.”
“Do you know what I see when I think of all of those women?” I shake my head slowly, lowering my eyes to the table. “I see blurs of flesh, hair, smears of lipstick, and flashes of money. I hear empty words, innuendo lined promises, and a constant repeat of give me, show me, me, me, ME!” Alex grabs his third bottle of beer and tips it back; the liquid moving down his throat in one large, sexy swallow. I love the way the muscles of his neck flexes as he slams down his glass and tilts his head from side to side. I can understand his frustration considering he’s never had to answer for his past.
His eyes gloss over while he spins his bottle cap over and over again on the table. “You were the first. The first one who ever gave me anything and never expected anything in return. You were the first one who gave herself to me without attempting to take a piece of my dignity or freedom. Don’t you see? You were the first…the only one who ever loved me.”
With tears pooling in my eyes I turn away, glancing over at the dance floor filled with happy couples holding tight and looking forward to their tomorrows instead of dreading what the next day brings. Wishing we were one of them, I stand and nod my head towards the crowd. This might be dangerous, but I can’t resist and we need a break from the heavy. “Dance with me?”
Alex finishes off the last of his drink, stands and firmly takes my hand. With our fingers intertwined, he pulls me to the dance floor. Pushing our way through the crowd, we settle in a gap in the middle of the heated masses. Pulling me tight against him, I can practically feel the beat within his chest; one hand on the curve of my ass, the other settled on my hip. Instinctually my arms wrap around his neck, allowing me to nestle my head against his chest and breathe him in as we begin to sway to John Mayer’s smooth melody, Dreaming with a Broken Heart.
“You’re so beautiful.” The rumble from his chest causes me to pull back; looking up at him through my lashes. “This face has haunted me every night since you left.”
Tears now falling, I rest my head against his shoulder and clutch Alex tighter. His words cut me deep. It’s one thing to know you’ve caused pain thinking it’s for someone’s own good. But, it’s another to have someone give you a play by play of their heartache.
“And the thing about nightmares is…you wake up alone, you relive the pain every day until you go back to sleep and do it all over again.”
“Alex, I’m sorry,” I mumble into his sweater, masking the ache in my voice.
“I’m not.” He touches my chin, tilting it to look up at him. “Because even if you left me every night, even if you broke my heart continuously in my dreams…you were still with me and I got the chance to see this face every day.”
“You were with me, too. Always.” I run my fingers through his hair before pulling his mouth down to meet mine. And he was with me, every day. Whether it be in my thoughts or in my heart, there was never a time when he hasn’t been there. Even when my resolve was iron clad, I still let bits and pieces of him seep into the cracks he formed the moment he took my heart. Loving him was never a choice, it was a given. The hard part was staying away from him, thinking I was doing it for his own good.
Alex is right. Arianna shouldn’t have control over us. She shouldn’t be able to make decisions that determine the rest of our lives. But what do you do when the devil holds all the cards, knows your next move, and could possibly control your next breath. I’ve battled with the thought that she could have that much power to decide whether people live or die. She told me herself, she hated my father for his choices and she hated my mother even more for giving my father something to fight for. The second they defied her, they were eliminated; just two pawns in her game of chess. Could she have had anything to do with their death? Who knows, but it’s a little too close for comfort, even now.
The difference between now and then is that I know she thinks she’s the queen. She thinks she has the power to move across the board in all directions and bulldoze anyone in her way. What she forgets is that there are two queens in a game of chess and this queen has every intention of protecting her king at all costs. With Alex by my side, in a small bar in Reno, Arianna’s grasp diminishes.
My mind is a mixture of defiance and lust as our kiss deepens. Alex lingers, brushing his lips against mine in long, drawn out movements. Our mouths begin to move urgently, while he grips me tighter, pulling me against his growing erection. When he pulls away, I don’t hide my disappointed groan. At least I’m not the only one left with erratic breathing.
“I need you to answer another question.”
“Really? Now? You want to talk now?” I nestle against his neck, kissing the spot just below his ear. He groans in appreciation.
“Fuck…Elyssa, if you keeping doing that…I’m going to end up taking you against one of these walls.” Alex’s fingers dig into my hip as he tries to still me.
I pull back, noticing his struggle, taut face and all. He’s torn between his carnal urges and the thoughts that seem to plague his mind.
“Fine,” I concede, settling my hands on his broad shoulders. “What do you want to know?”
“I know this is just my fucked up head, but…things with you and Oliver…” His voice trails off, but I can feel his fingers flex against my skin.
“There’s nothing between us. How many times do I need to tell you before it sinks in? Because, I will, I’ll tell you a hundred times over. Nothing, Alex, nothing has happened with me and Oliver.” Surprisingly, through my small rant, I keep my voice soft.
“The kiss?” He tilts his head, nestling his face against my neck before bringing his lips to mine. As if he’s trying to erase the memory of Oliver.
“It was just that,” I pant. Alex breaks away and buries his face in the crook of my neck.
“Did you like it?” His words are slightly muffled against my skin, but I still hear his question clearly. How do I explain that even though my heart is with him, it’s not the kiss with Oliver that makes him appealing? It’s the state of tranquility I feel when he’s around? I can’t. It would crush him.
“There’s no comparison between the two of you, Alex. Like I told Oliver, this is not a competition.” Although I’ve explained this several times, neither of these Neanderthals seem to understand.
“He’s fucking with what’s mine. I’m not being competitive, I’m being territorial. There’s a difference.” I chuckle and Alex’s hold loosens.
I let him deal with his caveman complex while we finish dancing. His hands explore almost every inch of my body and I’m sure if anyone was paying attention, they’d agree that we are borderline indecent. But that doesn’t stop Alex. He needs this. With that, I make no effort to push him away. He needs to touch me to know that me in his arms isn’t a dream anymore.
Several songs and more than several kisses later we make our way back to our table. Through the question and answer ping pong game we’ve been playing tonight, I’ve learned that Alex’s jealousy runs deeper than just Oliver and Cole. Alex dislikes the thought of any man having his hands on me. Even in the case of sharing my first kiss, which was when I was nine while playing house with my next door neighbor. I swear if I gave Alex his full name, he would run a credit check, find out where he lives and then have a hit placed on him. Excessive yes, but its Alex and it’s his way of dealing with these new feelings.
After his confession earlier, I didn’t bother asking him about his first kiss considering he was having sex before most boys had their first wet dream. I figured it was a moot point and decided to save that story for a later time.
I also learned that his musical inclinations came from a drunk who frequented his Dad’s favorite bar. Goes to show that not everything in his life was bad.
In the midst of our reminiscing, I wanted but knew I had no right to ask him about his stay in New York. I wasn’t sure how to pose the question, so I decided to take a more indirect path versus grabbing the bull by the horns. “So, have you been seeing anyone since you left?” I brace for the impact.
“I told you I wasn’t dating Sandy.”
“What about anyone else?” I try to remain indifferent, by hiding my nerves and fidgeting with my ring under the table. “Like maybe someone in New York?”
“You actually think I had time to date?”
“You don’t have to date to….”
“Fuck?” Alex finishes my sentence for me; his choice of words is brash in comparison to what I had in mind.
“Uh…well…yah.”
Alex leans in, resting his elbows on the table as he takes his time before answering my question. “If I did, would it bother you?”
“It’s not like I have any right…”
He interrupts me, like usual. “I’m asking if it would bother you.”
“Yes.” I give a singular answer as I duck my head. Of course it would bother me. The faceless women before me bother me, so it’s safe to say that anyone after would be even worse.
“Good.” Alex smirks as he leans back, lifting his wrist to look at the time. “It’s getting late, we should go.”
Let it be known that I’m quite aware he didn’t answer my question. It’s killing me to sit here in silence on the way back to the hotel, but I’ve learned that some things are better left unsaid. It’s a tense drive back, not only because of the silence, but the snow lightly falling outside. Living in Las Vegas, we rarely see snow, so it’s a real treat. Until you have to drive in it.
When we arrived at the bar the snow had barely started to come down. Clearly Mother Nature had other plans for the evening. There must be two inches on the ground, and we were not prepared for this. Silently praying, I’m a little terrified every time the SUV slides around the turns. Alex can sense my nerves and reaches over, taking my hand in his.
“You really should keep both of your hands on the wheel.” I try to avoid sounding irritable and more concerned, but I’m sure he can tell the difference.
“Fine.” He moves his hand back. I can see Alex from the corner of my eye running his upper lip across his teeth as he studies the road in front of us. “Tell me something I don’t know…a secret.”
Uh oh. “If I told you, then it wouldn’t be a secret.” I may be acting coy, but my insides are bursting with nerves.
“I’m winning so far, Hart. Are you really going to give up so easily?” He lifts his brows, suggestively. “Because, you know if I win I get to pick my prize.”
I’m sure there are plenty secrets I can tell him, like how Arianna is blackmailing me, or how I think she may be the cause of my parents death. But the only one at the forefront of my mind… “I don’t think I can, Alex.” I turn to face the window, focusing on the trees whizzing by instead of the nerves building inside. This is probably the worst way to tell him that his life will forever be changed.
“Try me,” he insists. I ignore him and we sit in silence for the rest of the ride. Luckily, after another ten minutes we pull into the parking lot unscathed. The silence is maddening, so the moment the truck comes to halt I hop out and attempt to rush to the entrance. My escape would have been successful if it wasn’t for the achingly cold impact of a snowball slamming against my back. I turn to face Alex; a cocky smile spreads across his lips as he jostles another ball in his hand.
“You think you’re getting out of this that easy? Tell me your secret, Hart,” he pushes.
“You can’t handle it,” I mumble. I turn to walk away, but yet again, I’m pelted with another pack of ice. This time, it lands on my shoulder. Bits and pieces of frost make their way down my dress causing me to shiver.
Facing him, I scream, “Damn it, Alex! Stop acting like a child!” Why can’t he just leave it alone?
“Then just tell me. I won’t judge you and you have to know I’m not averse to pulling you into one of these snow piles and waiting until you beg me to let you up.” I shiver at the thought. “I guarantee knowing you have a secret you don’t want me to know is worse than your secret could ever be.”
My heart speeds up, stealing my breath away. I know I can’t hold it any longer. It feels like my whole body is breaking. Piece by piece, splinter by splinter. “Fine! You really want to know? You want me to tell you something that will inevitably change your life in an immeasurable way? Here? In a parking lot of a hotel?”
We stare for too long of moments, feeling each other out. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I’ve felt this heavy guilt since the moment I found out about the baby, guilt that I haven’t clued Alex in. It’s even worse knowing we’ve had conversations about this in the past and I promised him I would always tell him; that I’d given him a choice in the matter. I can’t hold it in any longer.
Alex watches me, waiting, not moving a muscle except for the twitch in his neck. “Go on, Elyssa. I’m waiting and I don’t care what it is, where we are, or who this is about. I need you to tell me what’s going on. I promise you, I’ll be here. No matter what.”
Anxiety courses through my veins, panic sets in and I unconsciously set my freezing hands down to my belly, p
rotecting against the promises that may break in the next ten seconds.
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper. Not entirely sure if he heard me, I lift my face to his and find his blazing stoic eyes searching mine. Nothing. He doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything. Maybe he really didn’t hear me. I can’t chicken out now. “Did you hear me, Alex?
“No.” No? Are you kidding me?
I see red. He doesn’t get to just say no. I didn’t ask him an asinine question and he doesn’t get to respond with a “no.”
I raise my voice unnecessarily, “Just to be clear, I just told you that I’m pregnant, and you told me no. Who does that, Alex? I just gave into you, told you want I knew you didn’t want to hear, and you said no.” He remains lifeless. “Fuck you, Alex.” I turn to walk away, but when I hear him mutter “Fuck” underneath his breath, I turn around holding my belly for comfort.
His eyes are frozen to where my hands are protecting myself. Voice eerily calm, the wall collapses and he speaks. “You’re pregnant?” I nod, even though he probably can’t see past my hands holding our unborn child. I’m afraid to say anything more, afraid that my damn emotions will spill over and I’ll lash out at him.
“What…when?” I can see his hands trembling as they rest at his sides.
I take my hands away from little LJ and wrap them around my chest. “New York.”
“How? I thought…I thought you said…you said you were on birth control,” he stammers.
I shrug, noncommittally. “After you left, I missed a doctor’s appointment for my next shot.” There really isn’t more of an explanation needed.
A car door slamming breaks his concentration and awareness seeps in that we aren’t alone. Lifting his eyes to mine, it’s as if he sees me, but doesn’t know who he’s looking at. That hurts. More than any of this combined. With one look, utter despair coursing through his vacant eyes, he guts me.
