by Ann Stewart
Oliver’s cautious eyes move between the two of us. “Elyssa, you okay?”
“She’s fine.” His eyes never leave mine, answering Oliver’s question. “You make sure you pass along the message, Elyssa.” He slowly retreats as Oliver nears. I didn’t realize how much my body was shaking until I feel Oliver wrap his arms around my shoulders.
“You okay?” he whispers in my ear, holding me close. I nod, unable to speak. We watch Alex’s father leave just as the last shudder rocks through my body. “Who the fuck was that, Elyssa?” I shake my head, still unable to find the words. Fortunately, Oliver doesn’t push. Instead he holds me closer and nudges me closer to my car. “Come on…let’s get you home.”
I feel safer now that Oliver is here, but it doesn’t stop me from looking over my shoulder and locking the doors the instant I’m inside my car. Just another day in my brutal existence.
Friday, December 21, 2012
I’m settled on the couch, comfortable for a change, rubbing my little belly that seems to have grown over night. After the week I’ve had, all I want to do is unwind, maybe open up a book, or maybe even sleep. So when I hear a rapping against my door, I’m a little upset at the prospect of not having that relaxing evening. But, even as the errant thoughts roll through my brain, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t hope it was Alex. I haven’t seen nor spoken to him since last week. On the bright side, I haven’t seen his Dad since Monday either.
When I look through the peephole the last person I expected to see standing on the other side of my door is Cole. Suddenly interested in my feet, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and exhale as I open the door. When I finally decide to look up at him, he’s standing there with a somber look on his face leaning against the stucco wall next to my front door. At least he seems sober.
I cross my arms, ready for the fight. “What do you want, Cole?”
“Can I come in?” I hesitate, but not for long. The moment his eyes reach mine I know there’s something important he wants to tell me. I also know it’s not something I’m going to like. I may regret my decision, but nevertheless, I move aside and close the door behind him. Wrapping my shawl around myself, I settle back on the couch and pull my legs beneath me.
Cole frantically paces the length of my living room, practically walking a path into my tan carpet; his hands inside the pockets of his hoodie, his eyes glowing in a semi-panic. Cuts and scrapes line his jaw and neck and I notice his lower left eye is bandaged. Whatever he’s gotten himself into, it’s definitely bad. “What I’m about to tell you…I need you to listen before kicking me out.”
“Cole...” He rushes towards me, taking my hands between his. He’s begging me with his eyes and I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t scare me a little. “Promise me you’ll let me tell you everything before you kick me out.”
“How do you know I’m going to kick you out?” I murmur, although I know there is a high probability I will, regardless of what he has to say. It is Cole we’re talking about.
“Trust me. You will.” He looks to the window, pulling out an envelope from the pocket of his hoodie. He stands and continues to pace, slapping the envelope against the palm of his hand. “Promise me, Elyssa.”
With an eye roll, I clutch my shawl tighter around me after realizing that I’m only wearing a cami and sleep shorts. “Fine Cole, I promise not to kick you out.”
“I’ve been following you.” I gasp. I had a feeling; my gut was telling me something was off. Why didn’t I listen to my instincts? “That’s how I knew you were at the doctor’s office that day. The deal was to follow you, but to never let you see me. But that day,” he shakes his head, solemnly, “that day I was worried about you. I had to make sure I was outside when you left, because I had to know you were okay.”
My mouth drops farther in shock. I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised, but what he’s telling me is almost unbelievable. Who does this?
“I never imagined in a million years you would be pregnant, nor was I prepared for what you told me later that night. You can’t know what that did to me. Well, I guess you can know, since you went through it alone. You have to believe me when I say I’m sorry. If I had known you were going through that, I would have done something…anything. I’ve been beating myself up about it ever since.”
He walks over, dropping to his knees in front of me. “If I knew you were pregnant, I would have taken care of you. I would have loved you more than I already had. I would have stopped drinking and been anything you needed me to be. You don’t know how sorry I am.”
Cole takes my hands between his again, fingers running over my knuckles as I sit weeping silently over both of our losses. What have we done to each other? We used to be so close, he used to be someone who I called my best friend. Why would he do this to me? It doesn’t make sense.
Sensing my confusion, he continues, “This is the part where you are going to hate me. And I want you to know, I will understand if you do. Hell, I hate myself for what I’ve done to you. I now know it wasn’t worth it. Nothing is ever worth your pain.” When his eyes start to glisten, I furrow my brows with further confusion. God, what has he done that could be worse?
“Cole, you’re scaring me. What have you done?”
“I wasn’t following you for me. Well, I of course still care about you, so it wasn’t an inconvenience for me, but I didn’t just up and make that decision. I may be a jealous person, but I’m not crazy…”
“You’re rambling.”
After a moment of hesitation, he finally spits it out, and when he does it’s like a slap in the face. “Right…Arianna. She paid me to follow you.” The second her name left his lips I saw red. Red as fiery as the burning sun. I yank my hands away from his and scurry to the other side of the couch creating as much distance between us as I can. My feet frantically move against the cushions, pushing me farther and farther away. What the fuck? “You promised to hear me out.”
“Then hurry the fuck up so I can kick your ass out of here,” I spit with disdain as I furrow into the far end of my sofa.
With hands tightening around every strand of his hair, he continues. “At first it didn’t seem like much. She was upset with you because of Alex, so when she brought the proposition to me, all she wanted to know was when you were with him. She seemed like a jealous ex, so stupidly, I went along with her. Arianna wanted to know what you were up to, if you were with him in any capacity, or if you were staying away from him like you were supposed to.”
Damn. Everything finally makes sense. Her knowledge of every move I made, every chance encounter Alex and I ever had together. She knew about it because of Cole. Oh God! What if she knows about the baby?
“God, please say you didn’t tell her about the baby?!”
Cole shakes his head profusely. “No and she can’t find out. She’s crazy, Ely. You can’t imagine the things she’s had me do, all the awful things I’ve done.” Staring down at his hands like they’re soiled in filth, he begins to shake. I notice his knuckles are scabbed, obviously healing from a recent fight.
“Cole?” I look at him and for a brief moment I feel pity. Yes, he followed me and yes, he reported everything back to that bitch, but he also kept my baby safe by not telling her about LJ. He continues to shake, but reaches for the envelope he dropped to the floor when he fell to his knees in front of me. I point my chin towards the envelope. “What’s that?”
“I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.” Cole looks me in the eyes and I can see that it pains him, what he knows, what he’s about to tell me. From his look alone, I know I don’t want to know what’s in the envelope. But, because I’ve proven time and time again that I’m a glutton for punishment, I continue to pester him for more.
“You’ve already done enough damage, what’s one more thing?” Strangely, I feel calm. I know what he’s about to tell me will shatter the remaining pieces of my heart. But, like everything to do with Alex, I have to know.
Cole shakes
his head. He seems to be battling between telling me and leaving me ignorant. Whoever said ignorance is bliss is a damn fool. I can’t take it any longer and know Cole is leaning towards the cowardly way, so I make the choice for him. Reaching down, I rip the large envelope open. And when I do, pictures begin to float down and fall into my lap.
I immediately regret my decision. Maybe the damn fool had a point. Sometimes you don’t need to know everything. Lesson learned.
The picture on top causes so much guttural pain, I immediately push myself up from the couch and sprint to the bathroom, hoping to make it to the toilet in time. I dry heave; nothing comes out except for the tears that seem to find solace on my face.
“Ely, you okay?” I can hear Cole’s voice echoing through the bathroom, but I can’t see him through the tears. I continue to heave, hoping the ache in my chest expels into the toilet along with my lunch. Cole pushes himself closer, dropping to the floor near me. I can feel his hand running up and down the length of my back until I heave again. This time, he reaches forward, moving my hair out of the way.
Several minutes pass before the nausea eases and I slump against the cool tile wall. I’m still crying, unable to swallow past the lump that’s grown bigger in my throat every second since the moment I saw the picture. It took only one picture to break me in two.
Cole moves inches closer to me; his jeans brushing against my bare leg. “I’m sorry, Ely.” I shake my head, pushing away all of his words and replay over and over the image in my head. “I never wanted…”
“When did you take that picture?” My mind is frantic with questions.
“While you were out of town.”
“H-how could he.” I struggle to speak as heart wrenching sobs echo through the bathroom; I struggle to breath.
“Ely…”
“HOW. COULD. HE?!” I scream and turn to Cole. “She’s ruined everything! She took away my happiness and he gives her….he gives her….” I clutch my hand against my belly. Cole tries to pull me close, but I push against him. I fight his need to comfort me and ball my hands into fists and pound them against his chest. He doesn’t try to stop me. I strike him over and over again until my hand feels numb. Eventually I quit fighting and Cole pulls me against his chest.
“Shhhhh…I’m so sorry. I wish I could undo everything.” One of his hands moves to my hair, soothing me.
“How could he give into her so easily?” I mutter against his chest. The cotton material of his sweater muffles my cries.
“I don’t know, Ely, I don’t know.”
My stomach wretches again and I feel a severe cramp in my lower abdomen. I clutch my belly and push away from Cole. What the hell am I doing? He did this. They all did this. Arianna, Cole…even Alex. The one man I thought I was safe with. He betrayed me. I clutch my eyes tightly together as I ride out the now dull pain deep in my belly.
Even when I close my eyes, all I see is the image of that picture scorched into my lids. I can make out every detail.
Alex lying on his back. Naked. The muscles of his biceps are strained as he clutches her hips. She’s straddling him, also completely naked. Devil red hair cascades down her neck, head tilted back in pleasure, her hands pushing against his chest. Mouth partially open, eyes clutched tight, brows furrowed, Alex’s face is a mixture of pleasure and pain.
I immediately know who the woman is. The hair is a dead giveaway, but no, that’s not how I know who it is. The bitch has the nerve to wear that sparkling watch that ruined my life months ago, while ruining it again. That damn watch mocks me, sealing the fate I refused to accept before.
I’m not sure what hurts more. The fact that Alex slept with someone else or the fact that the woman he went running to was the very woman that tore us apart. I can’t imagine giving myself to someone after sharing something so intimate with him. I can’t imagine feeling anything close to the pure pleasure I felt when I was with Alex.
“Ely?” Cole’s voice is wary. My eyes shoot open and I’m immediately overwhelmed with an unfathomable amount of anger that ripples through my body.
“You!” I push against his chest and pull myself off the floor. “You did this to me!” Cole rises with an expression of anguish on his face as he realizes that I’ve gotten over the initial shock. And now that I’ve moved on to anger, he should be scared. I am livid.
“I didn’t want to hurt you. At first, yes, I wanted you to hurt the way you hurt me, but I never wanted it to go this far.”
I push against him causing Cole to stumble out of the bathroom.
“You ruined my life! Why? Why Cole? Because I didn’t chose you? You were my best friend. Friends, Cole. That was it. You had no right to come between me and Alex.” He tries to move towards me, but I rear my hand back, clutching my fingers tightly before hitting him square in his jaw. He stumbles back against the wall of hallway. Okay, that’s going to hurt tomorrow. Thankfully, my fury has far surpassed my ability to feel any pain.
“Tomorrow, or the next day, or hell next year, when you think about what you did, I need you to know that I didn’t hate you yesterday or the day before. No, I may have been pissed at you, but what I feel now…now hate isn’t a strong enough emotion to show how much you’ve hurt me. I despise you, Cole. You are dead to me. Do you hear me? D.E.A.D.” My voice is monotone and I’m eerily calm considering my hand aches and my entire body is vibrating with anger and pain.
I need him to leave so I can calm down enough to get to the ER. I’m sure everything’s fine, but with the last few days and the additional stomach pains, I’m beginning to worry. All this stress can’t be good for the baby. But right now, I just need him out of my life.
“I didn’t know…”
“Get out!” I raggedly point to the door. “I let you come in and say what you needed to say. You can report back to Arianna that you delivered the last blow. She wins! Congratu-fucking-lations! She got what she wanted all along.” Another sharp pain shoots from my lower belly causing me to hunch forward. Please God, please let the baby be okay.
“Ely, you okay?” Cole attempts to move towards me again. I hold my hand out to him, keeping him at a distance.
“Don’t you dare come near me. We are nothing. Do you understand me?” Cole looks tortured as he takes in my words but watches as I hold my hand against my belly.
“Let me take you to a hospital.”
“You’ve done enough, just leave,” I cry as I slide down the wall. If I’m losing this baby, if I’m losing the last piece of happiness I have left, then I’m selfish enough to not want Cole here with me for these last moments. I want him, Arianna, and Alex as far away from me as possible. “Just leave,” I repeat again, a little more deflated.
Cole doesn’t move at first, but eventually I see his shoes retreat and hear the door close behind him. Not physically able to get up because the pain is so severe, I crawl to the couch where my cell phone is and with trembling hands I call Rachel.
“Rach?” I sob into the phone the second I hear her answer.
“What’s wrong?”
“Come please. I need you to take me to the hospital.” I drop the phone to the floor after Rachel tells me she’s on her way. I have enough fight left in me to get to the hospital and pray that LJ is stronger than his or her mama. Because at this point, LJ is all I have left. Being broken, shattered and un-repairable, I hope like hell that the baby still wants me.
Note to self: Leave well enough alone.
CHAPTER 22
Saturday, December 22, 2012
“El, do you think this is a good idea?” Rachel questions from the doorway of my bathroom. I look at her in the mirror as I finish touching up my makeup. I stand back and look at myself in the mirror. Considering the devastation that has hit my life in the past twenty-four hours, I must say that I look pretty damn good.
My eye lids shimmer gold, lashes coated with black mascara; simplicity with a hint of sexy. Needing something to hold myself together, I guess makeup will have to do for me today. Oh, and th
e bronze plunging v-neck maxi dress I bought, along with the matching heels. Yes, they too will also have to do, today. I bought the dress and shoes to wear to the Christmas party tonight far before all of the recent events had come to light. Such a beautiful dress to waste away in my closet; I might as well wear it out and end the year on a bang, right? Right.
“Do I think what’s a good idea? Going to a Christmas party thrown by the very woman who’s ruined my life? Or going knowing that I’ll very likely see my good for nothing baby-Daddy who was recently caught dabbling in some cougar coochie while I was out of town? Hmmmmm…” I place my finger to my lips feigning as if I’m deep in thought.
My expression must scream crazy because Rachel just tilts her head and rolls her eyes before crossing her arms over her chest. She’s giving me that motherly look which is probably what I need right now, but definitely annoying as all hell. I’ve made the right decisions, I’ve tried to keep those I love safe and look where it’s got me. Devastated.
If having images of Alex naked with Arianna straddling his lap burned into my retinas wasn’t bad enough, last night scared the shit out of me. I honestly thought I was going to lose my baby. And it would have been her fault.
“Can you promise me that you’ll listen to what the doctor said, that you’ll take it easy, no matter what?” When we went to the ER last night, the doctor recommended that I avoid stress at all costs. He said that if things progressed at the same pace in my life, I would eventually end up on bed rest and even worse I could lose the baby. I’ve been struggling with how I feel about Alex, but at least I’m sure about something. I want LJ; therefore I will protect my baby at all costs.
So, here I am. I explained everything to the doctor, and now I feel up to going to the party. What’s the worst that could happen?
“What could be easier than a party?” Once again my voice is laced with sarcasm. I know I’m directing my anger at the wrong person, but she’s in my war path and I need her to let me get this night over with. After tonight, I’m turning a new leaf, making better decisions for me and LJ.
