by Lee Brazil
Damn it.
Drake wants you. He claimed you in front of the whole bar, Carlos in particular. Jesse loves you. Why can’t you be satisfied with what you have?
Orange juice!
He pulled open the refrigerator door and was almost relieved to find the pitcher nearly empty. Making more juice would take a few minutes, keep his mind off the sick jealous whirl of want and need and desperation.
The clear glass pitcher rang as he set it on the counter. Jay turned to scoop a handful of citrus fruit out of the large ceramic fruit bowl one of Jesse’s students had given him for Christmas a few years earlier. His hand shook as he drew a knife from the butcher block to slice the fruit in half. Snick. Snick. Oranges and tangerines fell in fragrant halves on either side of the sharp blade as he worked. Sticky drops of juice pooled under the fruit.
“Did you remember to roll them first to get the juices flowing?”
Shit. “No, sorry, Jesse. I forgot.”
Jesse slid up behind him, reaching around to take the knife from his hand. Jay let him have it, and clutched the granite counter top, staring down at the two oranges and a tangerine that he’d already sliced. “It’s okay, Jay. I’ll do it.”
Jesse pushed up against him, his lithe body a warm presence along Jay’s back. The metal buckle of Jesse’s belt dug into his ass, his buttocks pressed against Jesse’s groin. He was wrapped in his twin’s warmth, and he wanted to just melt into him and beg him to play hooky from school today so they could be alone. Maybe then he could sleep without nightmares.
Jesse’s soft breath brushed over his ear and he shivered again. His ears were sensitive, always had been, but this morning no ripple of arousal followed the shiver. Heavy footsteps in the hall announced Drake’s approach, and Jay couldn’t resist glancing over to see what the man thought of finding his boyfriend wrapped around his twin, rolling citrus fruit on the counter top.
Drake stopped in the doorway, wearing a navy blue suit he must have brought in with him the night before. The suit was fresh and unwrinkled, and Drake in a suit was sexy as hell. He knotted a red and blue striped tie without even looking in a mirror, and Jay paused to admire the deft movements of his hands. Those strong, sure fingers had roved his body, stroked him until he melted into a puddle of want and desire and gave up his deepest fears to take what he desperately needed.
The shivers turned to shudders and his eyes blurred as a sexy grin split Drake’s lips. “Good morning. Is that coffee I smell?”
He fought back the tears, blinking them away before the burn could become liquid, swallowing the hot lump in his throat that threatened to choke him, telling himself he was exhausted from the twelve hour shifts he’d pulled the last seven days. “Yeah. It should be ready. Help yourself.” He released his white knuckled grip on the counter to wave at the pot. Damned if he moved from Jesse’s embrace to serve coffee to the infidel.
His voice was husky, but he thought he’d hidden his feelings from Jesse until his twin whispered in his ear. “I love you.”
Staring at Drake pouring coffee into a thin china cup, Jay tilted his head back onto Jesse’s shoulder and spoke aloud. “Love you too.”
He didn’t imagine the frown that fleetingly drew Drake’s dark brows together, the tightening of the man’s lips. The visible reactions faded quickly, but a new coolness lurked in Drake’s voice when he set the coffee cup down. “I just remembered I have a meeting with my chief this morning. I’ll have to get some coffee at the cop shop.”
He was gone, the front door thudding shut behind him, before Jay started to shake with reaction. He hadn’t intended whatever had happened, hadn’t considered anything more than the need to reiterate his claim on Jesse in the face of Drake’s ongoing presence in their lives. “I...” He gasped, vision wavering.
“Shh. Sit down.” Jesse pushed him into a chair, and Jay buried his head in his hands. What the fuck was going on?
“Jesse...” He struggled to draw air into his suddenly too tight lungs, fought to breath through the rising panic.
Jesse stroked Jay’s hair back from his face and rubbed the nape of his neck, peering at him anxiously. “What is it, Jay? Do you need your inhaler?”
He shook his head. What if he’d driven Drake away, what if he didn’t come back? “Drake?”
“He had a meeting at work. He’s coming back this evening to take us out so we can have fun before you switch back on nights.”
Fuck. “You won’t...”
“No. Jay, he’s not like that. He wants both of us. He’s not just waiting for you to be on night shift so we can be alone together. He’s not just putting up with you to have me.”
And clearly he wasn’t doing such a good job at hiding his fears from his twin after all. “I’m sorry, I really am.”
“It’s okay. We have time. When things settle down, when he keeps proving himself to you, when you’re comfortable, Jay, these feelings will fade.”
“Does he know?” For some reason, Drake knowing about the turmoil he experienced bothered him, and not because of what Drake would think of him, but because his confusion might hurt Drake.
“We haven’t talked about it.”
That was a relief. Drake was a very conscientious boyfriend; he called Jay at least once a day just to talk, visited him at work to say hi, or bring him lunch. He’d never asked but he was pretty sure the man was the same with Jesse. His relief was short lived.
“But he isn’t stupid.”
Jay sagged. “I know. I don’t want to hurt or exclude him. I just can’t help it.”
“I think he understands that, Jay. But it would help if you talked to him about it. Instead of engaging in these random pissing contests.” Jesse’s hands rubbed soothingly through his hair, and Jay leaned into his touch. “Jay?”
“Yes?” He murmured sleepily. He was tired, more emotionally than physically probably, but nevertheless.
“Why don’t I stay home tonight and work on lesson plans and you go out with Drake by yourself? You two can talk, bond a little more, and get to know each other.”
“It’s against the rules.” He blurted, ice trickling through his veins. He couldn’t be alone with Drake! Being alone with Drake would leave him too exposed, would give Drake license to be alone with Jesse in return. “No. The rules are it’s the three of us, no two-somes. We have to stick to the rules.”
“Jay, there aren’t any rules except the ones we make. And since we made them, we can bend them or break them or even throw them out if they aren’t working for us.”
Again his emotions see-sawed, this time into anger. He stiffened, jerking away from Jesse’s comforting presence. “You’ve been seeing him without me?” The accusation was out and couldn’t be retracted, and in that moment he almost believed it, except for the sudden dropping of Jesse’s jaw and the hurt in his expressive eyes.
“No. I haven’t.” Jesse’s hands clenched into white knuckled fist. “Except for the occasional lunch or coffee break during the day when he’s stopped by. You know I wouldn’t do that.” He rose slowly, using Jay’s thigh to push himself upright, his palm warm on the bare skin. Jay stared at that hand, at the false delicacy of its thin construction.
“How can you just accept this? You make it seem so easy, you love him, and that’s it. Aren’t you at all worried that he’s going to decide he prefers one of us over the other?”
Jesse’s patient sigh blew across his ear. “No, I’m not worried about it. There isn’t any point in worrying about things that haven’t happened, in denying myself the pleasure of what I have now in anticipation of not having it tomorrow.”
“You’re stronger than I am. People always think I’m the strong one, but you have strength I can only envy.”
“Because I’ve had you, all my life, looking out for me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t as good an example for you to follow as you were for me.”
And then Jay couldn’t hold in what held him back any longer. “What if he doesn’t want to see just me? What if I sho
w up without you, and he doesn’t like it?”
“Honey, if that’s what’s worrying you, call him and ask. I guarantee you he won’t turn down a chance to be with you, whether I’m there or not.”
“What are you going to do?” He didn’t make any promise that he’d see Drake, he reassured himself.
“Lesson plans. I’ve got a class or two full of young geniuses who need to know that Twilight isn’t the best vampire fiction out there.”
Jay chuckled. “Are you on about Heathcliff again? Wuthering Heights is not the predecessor to modern paranormal fiction, you know.”
It was an old joke, from their early college days, but it gave him ground to stand on, a reminder of how solid they were. “Yes. I have to get to work. There’s a departmental meeting this morning to go over room assignments for the semester and another one about classroom décor.”
“Fascinating. I’ll get some sleep. I’m just tired, that’s why all this is bothering me.”
“Is it? Just think about going by yourself tonight, okay? And...think too about this. Doesn’t Drake come see you at work sometimes? Just you? He doesn’t do that for any reason other than that he wants to see you, you know?”
And with that Jay was alone in the cheerful yellow kitchen, perched on a bar stool with a handful of battered, halved citrus fruit ready to make juice that no one would drink.
He might as well have enjoyed the coffee, because he had too much to think about to sleep now.
Chapter Two
Jesse Cahill parked his sporty car in the farthest possible parking space in the Lynden Private High School parking lot. Even though there were no students on campus until next week, he wasn’t taking any chances that his much loved vehicle would be scratched or dented by someone anxious to get off campus for a smoke or whatever. The staff were often just as anxious if not more so than the students to get off campus. Walking a few hundred extra feet wasn’t going to hurt him, much.
He contemplated the heels on the boots he wore and made note to stick a pair of soft soled moccasins in his messenger bag. He slipped the bag over his shoulder and unplugged his phone from the car charger. Getting ready for school to start was actually worse than the daily grind of teaching. At least then he had the students with their drama and enthusiasm and sometimes mind boggling innocence to marvel at. Before the semester began? He had endless faculty meetings designed to prove that Principle Marks knew more about education, children, and protocol than any of his staff.
Jesse’s room was decorated. It was always decorated. Sweeping expanses of sky blue butcher paper bordered in white scalloped trim awaited students’ work to showcase. A few motivational posters, a few inspirational photos; what else did a Language arts teacher need?
He shoved the phone into the pocket of his jeans and slung his feet in their high-heeled boots out of the car. The trek to the building that housed his classroom wasn’t far, all things considered. At least he wasn’t over by the athletics department where he’d started out years ago. Still, he had time to call Drake at work. He always had time for Jesse, and Jesse needed to see where Drake stood on what had happened this morning.
He could see the turmoil in Jay, feel it even. Jay wanted so much but feared to trust that Drake wanted him in return. At first, Jesse had determined to stay out of his brother’s relationship with Drake, but he couldn’t help the desire to talk to Drake, to make sure the cop understood that Jay really did care for him, even if it seemed like he didn’t sometimes.
It wasn’t really betraying Jay to ask Drake how he felt about what was going on between them. If he was one hundred percent honest, Jesse could even admit to himself that it wasn’t only for Jay’s sake that he sought reassurance. Some of it was selfish, just for himself. He craved the confirmation of Drake’s affection—needed to know his brother’s hot and cold attitude wouldn’t send their lover running for the hills.
And, so, why not? He hitched his brown leather bag a little higher, and flipped his phone open. A new phone would be nice, but the old flip phone worked fine, and he couldn’t really justify the expense, even if all the kids on campus had nicer toys. He chuckled aloud as he hit the speed dial for Drake’s cell phone.
“Hey, you.” He smiled stupidly into the phone as he followed the manicured sidewalk to the wing that held his room.
“Jesse, baby. How’re your meetings?” Street sounds in the background indicated Drake hadn’t gone straight to his office after all.
“Just reached campus. They have you out on the street already?”
“Not yet. I’m standing in the parking lot waiting for Sean to show. Later we’re doing some street work. Nothing big, a suspicious accident in my area. Sean and I have a meeting here at the station and a few hours of paperwork to do for a case we worked last week that might head to trial sooner than expected. You got time for lunch today before we hit the streets this afternoon?”
“Wish I did, but the Textbook Committee scheduled their meeting for the lunch hour—which means limp salads and weak tea. I’d much rather lunch with you.”
He paused to unlock his door and a yellow emergency memo stuck to it caught his eye. Jesse grabbed the sticky note from the office. “I called about this morning.”
Drake’s sigh came over the line. “Yeah?”
“You know he didn’t mean it the way things seemed. Jay has difficulty showing how much he cares sometimes.” He held his breath, hoping Drake would agree as he shrugged his bag off and set it on his desk top.
“You’ve said that before, Jesse. I get it. But understanding where the action comes from doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I’m not a particularly good pin cushion. I can only handle so much abuse.”
And that’s what scared Jesse. He blew out a breath and tugged on his pony tail. “I know, just...please. I know he’ll come around, once he realizes you aren’t going anywhere.”
Silence. An eerie sense of impending something, a bit like the despair the poets wrote about seeped through him. “Drake? You aren’t going anywhere, are you?”
“I guess not. At least not yet.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “I love you. I don’t want to lose you, Drake, and I feel like I might.”
“I never promised forever, Jesse. I can’t. It’s all part of the job.”
They both new it wasn’t the truth—or not the whole truth anyway. “Well, shit.”
“Something wrong?” The immediate concern in Drake’s voice evident even over the phone gave Jesse’s bruised ego the boost it needed.
“I just got a memo from the attendance office. One of my students was involved in a terrible accident—he’s going to miss some school and it seems his concerned parents can’t bother to return from their European vacation but they want work sent. Jesus, Drake, the kid’s not even out of surgery yet and his parents are asking for his homework? School doesn’t even start until Monday!”
“Sounds like a real loving pair. I guess I’ll go try to get done here. Maybe I’ll take lunch over to the house for Jay, talk to him some.”
Guilt niggled at Jesse’s conscious. “Don’t tell him I called, okay? Damn. I didn’t mean that. You can tell him. I’m going to call him myself. I told him this morning that he should call you. I think I’m staying home tonight to work on lesson plans while you two go out.”
“We can stay home with you.” Drake answered promptly.
“No, don’t. You two need to spend more time together.” He squashed the jealousy he felt over the two men he loved being together without him. It was unworthy to feel that way when he’d encouraged it, and Jay really did need to know Drake cared for him, not just because he was Jesse’s brother.
“It’s our last night before he starts night shifts, Jesse. We all need this time together.”
“He needs it more.” And he hung up the phone. Sighing, he scooped up his clip board and a pen to take to the next meeting.
Leaving his classroom door open to air, Jesse strolled to the conference room. On the way, he decided he might a
s well get over telling Jay what he’d just done, too. Jay answered the phone on the first ring, a sure sign he hadn’t been sleeping. “You’re supposed to be resting, Jay. This transition to nights is going to kill if you don’t get your sleep pattern adjusted.” He scolded lightly.
“I’m actually at work. I got called in. There was a horrific accident on PCH and they needed everyone they could get.”
“That reminds me, Jay. One of my kids was involved in that accident. Can you check on him for me?”
“I can try. It’s crazy here, but I should be able to slip in and see him. What’s his name?”
“Gerald Portermain. He’s only seventeen, and his parents aren’t even coming home to see him. They sent a fucking note to the school asking for his work to be sent home once school starts Monday. How cold is that? I’m afraid he’s all alone there.”
“Don’t worry sweetheart. I’ll stop in and visit him before I leave if I can’t get in before then. I didn’t call Drake.”
“I did. I told him I couldn’t go tonight, but you would.”
Jay was silent on the other end.
“He was good with it, really, Jay.” The slight exaggeration didn’t cause him a moment’s concern. “I have to get all these lesson plans done so I can get the stuff together for Gerry.”
“I wish you hadn’t done that, Jesse. I’m going to be really uncomfortable going out without you.”
“Fine. Then you can tell him when he brings you lunch. And you’d better call him so he knows to go to the hospital and not the house.”
An exasperated sigh signaled Jay’s acquiescence. “Okay. I give up. I’ll go out with Drake tonight without you, and I’ll call him and ask him to come here. Anything else, your highness?”
“Yes, now that you mention it.” He loved the teasing note in Jay’s rough voice. “Can you pick up some eggs and a carton of Ben and Jerry’s on your way home? I need to make someone a chocolate cream pie.”
“I love chocolate cream pie.”
“I know.”
