"Yes, you should," said Issib. Then he snapped his jaws at her, like a dog biting. "If you weren't such a worthless old goat."
"Mind who you're calling worthless, now," she said, laughing.
Nafai watched in awe. Issib could say genuinely insulting things, and she took it as play. Nafai complimented her cooking, and she took it as an insult. I should go out in the desert and become a wilder, thought Nafai, Except, of course, that only women could be wilders, protected from injury by both custom and law. In fact, on the desert a wilder woman was treated better than in the city-desert folk wouidn't lay a hand on the holy women, and they left them water and food when they noticed them. But a man living alone out on the desert was likely to be robbed and killed within a day. Besides, thought Nafai, I haven't the faintest idea of how to live in the desert. Father and Elemak do, but even then they only do it by carrying a lot of supplies with them. Out on the desert without supplies, they'd die as fast as I would. The difference is, they'd be surprised that they were dying, because they think they know how to survive there.
"Are you awake, Nafai?" asked Issib.
"Mm? Yes, of course."
"So you plan to keep that food sitting in front of you as a pet?"
Nafai looked down and saw that Truzhya had slid a loaded plate in front of him. "Thanks," he said.
"Giving food to you is like leaving it on the graves of your ancestors," said Truzhya.
They don't say thanks," said Nafai.
"O h, he said thanks," she grumbled.
"Well what am I supposed to say?" asked Nafai.
"Just eat your supper," said Issib.
"I want to know what was wrong with my saying thanks!"
"She was joking with you," said Issib. "She w&splaying. You've got no sense of humor, Nyef."
Nafai took a bite and chewed it angrily. So she was joking. How was he supposed to know that?
The gate swung open. A scuff of sandals, and then a door opening and closing immediately. It was Father, then, since he was the only one in the family who could reach his room without coming in view of the kitchen door. Nafai started to get up, to go see him.
"Finish your supper first," said Issib.
"He didn^t say it was an emergency," added Truzh-msha.
"He didn't say it wasn^" answered Nafai. He continued on out of the room.
Behind him, Issib called out. "Tell him I'll be there in a second."
Nafai stepped out into the courtyard, crossed in front of the gate, and entered the door into Father's public room. He wasn't there. Instead he was back in the library, with a book in the computer display that Nafai instantly recognized as the Testament of the Oversoul, perhaps the oldest of the holy writings, from a time so ancient that, according to the stories, the men's and women's religions were the same.
"She comes to you in the shadows of sleep," Nafai said aloud, reading from the first line on the screen.
"She whispers to you in the fears of your heart," Father answered.
"In the bright awareness of your eyes and in the dark stupor of your ignorance, there is her wisdom," Nafai continued.
"Only in her silence are you alone. Only in her silence are you wrong. Only in her silence should you despair." Father sighed. "It's all here, isn't it, Nafai?"
"The Oversoul isn't a man or a woman," said Nafai.
"Right, yes, of course, you know all about what the Oversoul is,"
Father's tone was so weary that Nafai decided it wasn't worth arguing theology with him tonight. "You wanted to see me."
"You and Issib."
"He'll be here in a second."
As if on cue, Issib drifted through the door, still eating some cheesebread.
"Thank you for bringing crumbs into my library," said Father.
"Sorry," said Issib; he reversed direction and started floating out the door.
"Come back," said Father. "I don't care about the crumbs."
Issib came back.
"There's talk all over Basilica about the two of you."
Nafai traded glances with Issib. "We've just been doing some library research."
"The women are saying that the Oversoul is speaking to no one but you."
"We aren't exactly getting clear messages from it," said Nafai. .
"Mostly we've just been monopolizing it by stimulating its aversive reflexes," said Issib.
"Mmm," said Father.
"But we've stopped," said Issib. "That's why we came home."
"We didn't want to interfere," said Nafai.
"Nafai prayed, though, on the way home," said Issib. "It was pretty impressive stuff."
Father sighed. "Oh, Nafai, if you've learned anything from me, couldn't you have learned that jabbing yourself and bleeding all over the place has nothing to do with prayer to the Oversoul?"
"Right," said Nafai. "This from the man who suddenly comes home with a vision of fire on a rock. I thought all bets were off."
"I got my vision without bleeding," said Father. "But never mind. I was hoping that the two of you might have received something from the Oversoul that would help me."
Nafai shook his head.
"No," said Issib. "Mostly what we got from the Oversoul was that stupor of thought. It was trying to keep us from thinking forbidden thoughts."
"Well, that's it, then," said Father. "I'm on my own."
"On your own with what?" asked Issib.
"Gaballufix sent word to me through Elemak today. It seems that Gaballufix is as unhappy as I am about the situation in Basilica today. If he had known that this war wagon business would cause such controversy he would never have begun it. He said that he wanted me to set up a meeting between him and Roptat. All Gaballufix really wants now is to find a way to back down without losing face-he says that all he needs is for Roptat also to back down, so that we don't make an alliance with anybody."
"So have you set up a meeting with Roptat?"
"Yes," said Father. "At dawn, at the coolhouse east of Market Gate."
"It sounds to me," said Nafai, "like Gaballufix has come around to the City Party's way of thinking."
"That's how it sounds" said Father.
"But you don't believe him," said Issib.
"I don't know," said Father. "His position is the only reasonable, intelligent one. But when has Gaballufix ever been reasonable or intelligent? All the years I've known him, even when he was a young man, before he maneuvered himself into the clan leadership, he's never done anything that wasn't designed to advance him relative to other people. There are always two ways of doing that-by building yourself up and by tearing your rivals down. In all these years, I've seen that Gaballufix has a definite preference for the latter."
"So you think he's using you," said Nafai. "To get at Roptat."
"Somehow he will betray Roptat and destroy him," said Father. "And in the end, I'll look back and see how he used me to help him accomplish that. I've seen it before."
"So why are you helping him?" asked Issib.
"Because there's a chance, isn't there? A chance that he means what he's saying. If I refuse to mediate between them, then it'll be my fault if things get worse in Basilica than they already are. So I have to take him at face value, don't I?"
"All you can do is your best," said Nafai, echoing Father's own pat phrase from many previous conversations.
"Keep your eyes open," said Issib, echoing another of Father's epigrams.
"Yes," said Father. "I'll do that."
Issib nodded wisely.
"Father," said Nafai. "May I go with you in the morning?"
Father shook his head.
"I want to. And maybe I can see something that you miss. Like while you're talking or something, I can be looking at other people and seeing their reactions. I could really help."
"No," said Father. "I won't be a credible mediator if I have others with me."
But Nafai knew that wasn't true. "I think you're afraid that something ugly will happen and you don't want me there.
Father shrugged. "I have my fears. I am a father."
"But I'm not afraid, Father."
"Then apparently you're stupider than I feared," said Father. "Go to bed now, both of you."
"It's way too early for that," said Issib.
"Then dwft go to bed."
Father turned away from them and faced the computer display again.
It was a clear signal of dismissal, but Nafai couldn't keep himself from questioning him. "If the Oversoul isn't speaking to you directly, Father, why do you hope to find anything helpful in its ancient, dead words?"
Father sighed and said nothing.
"Nafai," said Issib, "let Father contemplate in peace."
Nafai followed Issib out of the library. "Why won't anybody ever answer my questions?"
"Because you never stop asking them," said Issib, "and especially because you keep asking them even when it's clear that nobody knows the answers."
"Well how do I know that they don't know the answer unless I ask?"
"Go to your room and think dirty thoughts or something," said Issib. "Why can't you just act like a normal fourteen-year-old?"
"Right," said Nafai. "Like I'm supposed to be the one normal person in the family."
"Somebody's got to do it."
"Why do you think Meb was at the temple?"
"To pray for you to get a hemorrhoid every time you ask a question."
"No, that's why you were at the temple. Can you imagine Meb praying?"
"And marking up his beautiful body?" Issib laughed.
They were in the courtyard, in front of Issib's room. They heard a footstep and turned to see Mebbekew standing in the kitchen door. The kitchen had been dark; they had assumed that Truzhnisha had gone and that no one was in there. Meb must have overheard all their conversation.
Nafai couldn'p think of anything to say. Of course, that didn't mean he held his tongue. "I guess you didn't stay long in the temple, did you, Meb?"
"No," said Meb. "But I did pray, if it's any of your business."
Nafai was ashamed. "I'm sorry."
Issib wasn't. "Oh, come on," he said. "Show me a scab, then,"
"I have a question for you first, Issya," said Meb.
"Sure," said Issib.
"Do you have a float attached to your private lever to hold it up when you pee? Or do you just let it dribble down like a girl?"
It was too dark for Nafai to see whether Issib was blushing or not. All he was sure of was that Issib said nothing, just glided from the courtyard into his room.
"Bravely done," said Nafai. "Taunting a cripple."
"He called me a liar," said Meb. "Was I supposed to kiss him?"
"He was joking."
"It wasn't funny." Mebbekew went back into the kitchen.
Nafai went into his room, but he didn't feel like going to bed. He felt sweaty, even though the night was fairly chilly. His skin itched. It had to be the residue of blood and disinfectant from the temple fountain. Nafai didn't relish the idea of using soap on his wounds, but the slimy itchiness would be unbearable, too. So he stripped and went to the shower. This time he rinsed first, shockingly cold despite the day's wanning of the water. And it stung bitterly to soap himself-perhaps worse now than when the wounds were first inflicted, though he knew that this was probably subjective. The pain of the moment is always the worst, Father had often said.
As he was soaping in miserable dark silence, he saw Elemak come in. He went directly into Father's rooms, and emerged not long after to lock the gate. And not just the outer gate; the inner one, too. That wasn't the usual thing; indeed, Nafai couldn't remember when he had last seen the inner gate locked. Maybe there was a storm once. Or a time when they were training a dog and kept it between the gates at night. But there was neither storm nor dog now.
Elemak went into his room. Nafai pulled the cord and plunged himself again in icy water, rubbing at his wounds to get the soap out before the water stopped flowing. Curse Father for his absurd insistence on toughening his sons and making men of them! Only the poor had to bathe in a sudden flow of cold water like this!
It took two rinsings this time, with a long wet wait in the chilly breeze for the shower tank to refill. When he finally got back to his room, Nafai was chattering and shaking with the cold, and even when he was dry and dressed again, he couldn't seem to get warm. He almost closed the door to his room, which would have triggered the heating system-but he and his brothers always competed to see who could be last to start closing the door of his room in the wintertime, and he wasn't about to surrender that battle tonight, confessing that a little prayer had weakened him so much. Instead he pulled all his clothes out of his chest and piled them on top of himself where he lay on his mat.
There was no comfortable position for sleeping, of course, but lying on his side was least painful. Anger and pain and worry kept him from sleeping easily; he felt as though he hadn't slept at all, listening to the small sounds of the others getting ready for sleep, and then the endless silence of the courtyard at night. Now and then a birdcall, or a wild dog in the hills, or a soft restless sound from the horses in the stable or the pack animals in the barns.
And then he must have slept, or how else could he have woken up so suddenly, startled. Was it a sound that woke him? Or a dream? What was he dreaming, anyway? Something dark and fearful. He was trembling, but it wasn't cold-in fact, he was sweating heavily under his pile of clothing,
He got up and tossed the clothes back into his chest. He tried to be quiet about opening and closing the box-he didn't want to waken anyone else. Every movement caused him pain. He must be fevered, he realized-he had the stiffness in his muscles, and the hotness under his covers. And yet his thinking seemed remarkably clear, and all his senses. If this was a fever, it was a strange one, for he had never felt so vivid and alive. In spite of the pain-or because of it-he felt as though he would hear it if a mouse ran across a beam in the stable.
He walked out into the courtyard and stood there in silence. The moon wasn't up yet, but the stars were many and bright on this clear night. The gate was still locked. But why had he wondered? What was he afraid of? What had he seen in his dream?
Meb's and Elya's doors were closed. What a laugh- here I am, wounded and sore, and I keep my door open, while these two go ahead and close their doors like little children.
Or maybe it's only little children who care about such meaningless contests of manliness.
It was colder than ever outside, and now he had cooled off the feverishness that had made him get up. But still he didn't return to his room, though he meant to. In fact, it finally dawned on him that he had already decided several times to return to his room, and each time his mind had wandered and he hadn't taken a step.
The Oversoul, he thought. The Oversoul wants me to be up. Perhaps wants me to be doing something. But what?
At this point in the month, the fact that the moon had not yet risen meant that it was a good three hours before dawn. Two hours, then, before Father was supposed to arise and go to his rendezvous at the cool house, where the plants from the icy north were nurtured and propagated.
Why was the meeting being held there)
Nafai felt an inexplicable desire to go outside and look northeast across the Tsivet Valley toward the high hills on the other side, where the Music Gate marked the southeast limit of Basilica. It was silly, and the noise of opening the gates might waken someone. But by now Nafai knew that the Oversoul was involved with him tonight, trying to keep him from going back to bed; couldn't this impulse to go outside also come from the Oversoul? Hadn't Nafai prayed today-couldn't this be an answer? Wasn't it possible that this desire to go outside was like the impulse Father had felt, that took him from the Desert Road to the place where he saw the vision of fire?
Wasn't it possible that Nafai, too, was about to receive a vision from the Oversoul?
He walked smoothly, quietly to the gate and lifted the heavy bar. No noises; his senses and reflexes were so alert a
nd alive that he could move with perfect silence. The gate creaked slightly as he opened it-but he didn't have to open it widely in order to slip through.
The outer gate was more often used, and so it worked more easily, and quietly, having been better maintained. Nafai stepped outside just as the moon first showed an arc over the top of the Seggidugu Mountains to the east. He headed out to walk around the house to where he could see the cool house, but before he had taken a few steps he realized that he could hear a sound coming from the traveler's room.
As was the custom in all the households in this part of the world, every house had a room whose door opened to the outside and was never locked-a decent place where a traveler could come and take refuge from storm or cold or weariness. Father took the obligation of hospitality to strangers more seriously than most, pro- viding not ju^t a room, but also a bed and clean linen, and a cupboard provisioned with traveling food. Nafai wasn't sure which servant had responsibility for the room, but he knew it was often used and just as often replenished. So he should not be surprised at the idea that someone might be inside.
And yet he knew that he must stop at the door and peer inside.
Scant light fell into the traveler's room from the crack in the door. He opened it wider, and the light spilled onto the bed, where he found himself looking into the wide eyes of-Luet.
"You," he whispered.
"You," she answered. She sounded relieved.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. "Who's with you?"
"I'm alone," she said. "I wasn't sure who I was coming to. Whose house. I've never been outside of the city walls before."
"When did you get here?"
"Just now. The Oversoul led me."
Of course. "To what purpose?"
"I don't know," she said. "To tell my dream, I think. It woke me."
Nafai thought of his own dream, which he couldn't remember.
"I was so-glad," she said. "That the Oversoul had spoken again. But the dream was terrible."
"What was it?"
"Is it you I'm supposed to tell?" she asked.
"I should know?" he answered. "But I'm here."
"Did the Oversoul bring you out here?"
With the question put so directly, he couldn't evade it. "Yes," he said. "I think so."
The Memory of Earth Page 13
