“What makes you think we’re barely scraping by? Oh, I remember. You don’t think I’m smart enough to manage the finances.”
“That’s not what I mean.” Dan took a deep breath and spoke as if he’d really rather not say anything. “Paul’s been taking advantage of his relationship with you to get your honey for dirt cheap.”
“Paul would never cheat me like that,” she said.
Dan ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re right. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I think he’s cheating you. But he’s playing on your sympathies and your innocence to get a better price.”
“My innocence?” Deep down, this is what he really thought of her. “You mean my stupidity. That’s why you asked that woman all the way out here, because you think I can’t manage my own money.”
Dan pressed his lips together, as if her words tasted bitter in his mouth. “You’re five million miles from stupid, Lily, but you have a trusting, compassionate nature. Paul was good to you in the past. You want to believe he has the best intentions.”
Dan might think she was deerich, but things went deeper than the price of honey.
“It’s not like that with Paul and me. What do you know of what we’ve been through together? Our first loyalty is to each other, always and forever.” Her voice sounded harsh, even in her own ears.
He frowned. “Always and forever?”
She felt so angry and hurt, she half didn’t know what she said. “There are ties of loyalty and friendship and love that you will never understand.”
The fire in his eyes turned to cold, hard ice. He looked wounded and bewildered, as if she’d slapped him across the face. “I’ll never understand loyalty and friendship?” He stumbled two steps backward. “Maybe you’re right, Lily. Maybe I’ll never understand how a sense of loyalty can blind someone to the faults of another person, or how friendship can be twisted into fear and submission. Is being obedient to Paul’s wishes the same thing as love? Because that’s not how I understand it.”
His look of yearning almost made Lily lose her composure. “If you care for another person . . .”
“Love shouldn’t diminish you for the sake of someone else. Love lifts and builds and rejoices. It never tries to control you or make you feel guilty. It’s kind and patient and hopeful.” He bowed his head. “If what you and Paul have together is real love, then you’re right. I don’t understand love, and I never will.”
Lily felt empty and cold, like an abandoned barn in the dead of winter. This past month, Dan had been her friend, someone she felt almost safe with. She’d let down her guard even though Paul had warned her not to. It ached in the deepest part of her heart that Dan thought so little of her. In his mind, not only was she a failure at business but she was a failure at love. A failure at everything.
“You’re holding on to the past because it’s safe there,” he said, “but Paul doesn’t deserve you, and I’m dumbfounded you can’t see it.”
He was dumbfounded by her stupidity.
His words felt like so many shards of glass piercing her heart.
She closed her mouth tight like she always did when Paul was cross with her. Better not to make things worse by arguing or disagreeing. She didn’t even know who she was anymore. Where did she belong? Could anybody love her just for herself?
Paul could.
He always stuck with her, no matter how many faults she had.
Paul’s loyalty gave her courage to open her mouth. “I know what you think of me, Dan Kanagy. You’ve said plenty. I may have done everything all wrong, but I’ve only ever wanted to do what’s right. I’ve tried hard to be the kind of girl a boy would be proud to take as a wife. Paul doesn’t think I’m a disgrace. He’s willing to take me with all my flaws and failures.”
Dan scrubbed his fingers through his hair and growled like a bear. “I hate it when you put yourself down. Paul puts you down plenty all by himself.”
“And you think I’m an idiot to stick with him.”
“Nae. You are perfect, Lily.” He sighed despondently. “Lily . . . you mean so much . . . I’ve messed it up.” He closed his eyes. “I can’t even say it right. Nothing is your fault. I lost my temper. I didn’t call Carole because you can’t handle your family’s money. I did it to get back at Paul.”
“He said you hate him.”
“I don’t hate him, but he has something that I want very much.” His sad smile made her heart beat double time. “That’s what breaking one of the commandments will get me. Thou shalt not covet. I let my anger and longing overrule my judgment. Paul and his family have been dragging my dat’s gute name through the mud for years because of a piece of land.”
“And you want revenge?”
“Raymond Glick came to my dat and asked him to buy the property because he was having some financial difficulties. My dat felt sorry for Raymond so paid the full asking price, even though the property was worth half that. We drained and seeded it, built a fence. We spent hours improving it so we could graze cattle there. Two years later Raymond wanted it back for less than we paid for it. My dat told him no, that we’d already put too much money into it. The Glicks haven’t spoken to us for years. I suppose I’ve had a chip on my shoulder ever since Paul started calling my dat a cheat and a liar.”
Lily took a deep breath. She didn’t want to argue. “That’s not the story I got from Paul.”
He acted almost accepting of her distrust. “I know, and I can’t blame you for believing his side of the story and not mine, especially when I hurt your feelings and he was nice to you.”
Lily nodded slowly. Her heart felt as hard as lead.
Dan gently curled his hands around her upper arms. “I’ve made so many mistakes. Calling Carole was just the latest. I never meant to make you feel stupid or ashamed, and I’m sorry about what I said about Paul. He means a great deal to you, and I shouldn’t have spoken badly of him.”
She couldn’t swallow. She couldn’t breathe. He acted so humble, so gracious. So wonderful. And she didn’t deserve his kindness. It was a wonder she could even speak. “Paul . . . and I have been through so much.”
He nodded. “I know I’ll never be able to make up for what I did to you eight years ago.”
“I’ve already told you . . .”
“I know. You’ve forgiven me, but I also know the scars are deep, as is the bond you and Paul share. You’ve been trying to make me see that for a long time now.” His lips curled into a weary and pitiful smile. “I’m not going to bother you anymore, Lily. It’s pure torture being near you, knowing you’re promised to another man. I don’t want to make you feel bad or uncomfortable or even guilty, but I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t tell you. I love you, Lily and have for a very long time. I love you so much that my joints ache and my heart hurts with longing for you.”
Lily met his gaze, and she suddenly felt light-headed. How could he love her? At the moment, she didn’t even like herself.
“I’m sorry for so many things,” he said. “But I’ll never apologize for loving you.” He took two steps away from her and clamped his arms around his chest as if holding back an avalanche of emotions.
“Dan . . . I . . . I don’t know what to say.”
He smiled as if his heart might break. “Just say good-bye.”
Without so much as another glance in her direction, he climbed into his buggy and tugged the reins. It took him a few passes back and forth to turn the horse and buggy in the right direction, but he was gone before Lily had drawn a breath.
Paul said turning the buggy was a chore. Dan had never seemed to mind. Paul had tried to keep her humble. Dan flattered her every chance he got.
Paul hated Scrabble.
Dan knew how to spell farm. It had been his only triple word score ever.
Out of loyalty to Paul, she held her tears until Dan disappeared in the gathering darkness.
* * *
Lily sat on the grass between her two sisters singing at the top of her lungs so the
noise would drown out the ache in her heart. Why did she feel like this? If Paul was the one she had chosen, then forsaking all others should be easy as pie.
Paul sat next to Rose and scowled as if he’d sucked on two lemons before the singeon. He seemed quite unhappy with the seating arrangements.
Lily tilted her head to meet his eye and gave him an encouraging nod. Rose and Poppy had been determined to stay by her side all night, as if they were stapled there, and nobody, not even an annoyed boyfriend, had been able to sway them. Poppy had told Lily that she wanted the sisters to stick together tonight for Rose’s sake. The buggy wheel incident had made her extra skittish, and Poppy thought if the sisters could help make her more comfortable at the singeon, then the irritated boyfriend would just have to be understanding about it.
Lily didn’t know why Poppy had been in such a snippy mood today. Lily hadn’t told her family what had passed between her and Dan. She felt too ashamed, too angry to break the news that Dan wouldn’t be coming around anymore. They’d be disappointed in her for driving their “big brother” away.
It was the off Sunday, so there had been no church this morning, but there was usually a singing in the evening for die youngie. The Wengerds had a big yard with lots of grass and the temperature hovered around seventy. Aunt Bitsy had even come with them. Dottie Wengerd had asked her to help with the eats, and Aunt B had made three different kinds of cake and two batches of cookies.
Despite their difference in hair color and preference for tattoos, Dottie Wengerd and Aunt B were dear friends. Dottie had eight children and a long scar down her arm, due to a farming accident years ago. She also hated to bake, so whenever she held an event at her house, Aunt B did most of the baking.
Lily glanced at Paul while they sang “God Make My Life a Little Light.” It must have been hard to sing sticking his bottom lip out like that. Poor Paul. He was used to getting his way, and Poppy had put a wrench in all his plans.
She’d have to find a way to steal some time alone with him.
Lily sighed a deep, weary sigh. Spending time with Paul would make him happy, but it troubled her how little pleasure she took in the idea. Was she shallow, disloyal, or tired of Paul’s moods? She couldn’t make heads or tails of her feelings tonight. All she knew was that she’d rather stick with her sisters and let Paul fend for himself.
She certainly was a sorry excuse for a girlfriend.
Once the singing ended, the young people gravitated toward the table where Aunt B’s cakes and lemonade awaited them. Poppy and Rose seemed to mirror Lily’s every move, not letting her get ahead or fall behind as they marched to the eats table. It was almost as if they were protecting her the way Poppy and Lily usually protected Rose.
Paul tapped Lily on the shoulder. She turned around, as did her sisters, and smiled, as if she hadn’t noticed him three feet away during the singing.
“Do you have some time to spare for your boyfriend?” he said, forcing a petulant smile.
“We have to help Aunt Bitsy clean up before we go home. You won’t want to wait around that long,” Poppy said, as if she were in charge of Lily’s schedule.
Lily grabbed two pieces of cake and two plastic forks. “Come on, Paul. We’ll go sit under that tree and eat some cake.”
Poppy raised her eyebrows in a secret message of indignation. “Lily, we were going to stick together tonight, remember?”
“Get some cake and join us,” Lily said.
Poppy seemed satisfied with that. Paul did not. He lifted his brows with his own secret message. “Lily, I want to talk to you privately.”
She smiled sweetly. If she played dumb, he wouldn’t get so mad. “You’d better talk fast then.”
Paul marched across the grass as if he were trying to win a race. Lily scrambled to keep up with him. He’d taken her seriously about haste. “Come on, Lily. You’re not even trying to go fast.”
They sat at the base of the tree, and Paul set his plate on the grass. Talking to her was more important than cake? “I saw Dan at the auction yesterday. He practically admitted that he is trying to steal you to get back at me.”
Lily knit her brows together. She didn’t know what to believe anymore. “Did he?”
“You’ve got to beware of him, Lily. He’s out to hurt you. He wants revenge.”
“Revenge? For what?”
“Because I’ve hated him so much over the years, and he thinks I’ve ruined his good name.”
“You don’t have to worry about Dan. I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of him anymore.” A knife seemed to slice right into her heart at that thought.
Several happy emotions traveled across Paul’s face before he picked up his fork and took an impossibly large bite of cake. “Of course he won’t come back,” he said, forming the words around his mouthful of cake. He smiled wider than a cat who had eaten a mouse—except for a cat like Farrah Fawcett. Farrah Fawcett never smiled, and she certainly never ate mice. “I put him in his place but gute yesterday.”
An ache throbbed between Lily’s eyes. “You . . . you put him in his place?”
“I warned him that if he didn’t leave you alone, he’d have to answer to me and my brothers. And maybe the bishop.”
“You threatened him?”
Paul’s eyes darted right and left before he grabbed Lily’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “I did it for you, Lily. You should be grateful.”
Grateful? She was devastated. How could Paul mistreat good, kind Dan Kanagy? She fell silent. Paul would get mad if she scolded him, but her heart ached for Dan all the same.
True to her word, Poppy, with Rose in tow, joined them under the tree, saving Lily from having to say another word. She wouldn’t have been able to say anything polite if her life had depended on it.
Rose sat on Lily’s right, while Poppy, bless her, squeezed herself between Lily and Paul. Lily scooted closer to Rose so Poppy wouldn’t be forced to sit on Paul’s lap. Poppy pretended not to notice that Paul looked as if he were about to have a stroke.
“This is Aunt Bitsy’s honey cake with the sour cream frosting,” Poppy said, as if she hadn’t just squeezed Paul out. “She made it yesterday.”
Neither Paul nor Lily said anything in reply. Lily felt too upset by what Paul had told her. Paul was fuming that Poppy had usurped his seat.
Luke Bontrager, their nearest neighbor and one of Dan’s best friends, strolled over to their tree. He squatted next to Rose, took off his hat, and scratched his head. “Paul, nice to see you again.”
“Luke,” Paul said, as if he’d rather not acknowledge Luke at all.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but your horse somehow got free and is eyeing the climbing roses on the north side of the barn.”
“What?” Paul said, flinching to attention. “How did that happen?”
Luke gave Paul a look of wide-eyed innocence. “Dottie will have a heart attack if your horse eats her roses.”
Paul growled and jumped to his feet. “I’ll be right back.” He hurried across the lawn and disappeared around the side of the house.
Luke grinned, leaned back on his hands, and stretched his legs out in front of him. “We’ve got to talk fast. He probably won’t be gone for more than half an hour.”
Luke Bontrager was tall and broad with a carpenter’s arms and dark, brooding eyes. A boy like him usually scared Rose to death, so Lily was quite surprised when Rose raised her eyebrows and accused him right to his face. “What did you do to Paul’s horse, Luke Bontrager?”
Luke broadened that mischievous grin. “Animals are so unpredictable. One minute they’re in the stall, the next minute they’re trampling your petunias.”
“But,” Rose stuttered, “but that’s not a very Christian thing to do.”
Luke widened his eyes in guilty innocence. “I’m surprised at you, Rose. How can you judge me when you don’t even know what I did or didn’t do?”
Rose blushed and lowered her eyes, but Lily saw a smile playing at her lips.
“Besides,” Luke said, “it’s a harmless prank. The horse is fine, and he’s not eating roses. I wouldn’t want Dottie to have a heart attack.”
“It’s not very nice,” Lily said, more curious than indignant, though she realized she should probably be mad that Luke had tricked her boyfriend.
“I know,” Luke said, “but I really hate Paul Glick.”
Poppy, who’d been trying not to even look at Luke, snapped her head around and bloomed into a beautiful smile. “You do?”
Lily eyed him doubtfully. “I don’t think you should say that about my boyfriend.”
“You shouldn’t hate anyone,” Rose said.
Luke huffed out a breath. “You’re right. Josiah told me exactly the same thing. I suppose I don’t hate Paul. I dislike him greatly.”
Poppy, who’d once given Luke a bloody nose in school, now looked at if she wanted to give him a hug. The light shining in her eyes could have put the sun to shame. It was just as Lily suspected. Poppy didn’t like Paul much either. If she weren’t supposed to be trying to be indignant for Paul’s sake, she would have grinned. Luke and Poppy had one thing in common.
And only one.
Luke leaned forward. “What I wanted to talk about is Dan.”
“Dan?” Lily said, breathless just hearing his name.
“I don’t know what happened between you two yesterday, but his mamm told me he went home, rearranged the cupboards, wiped down the kitchen walls, and refinished the wood floor.”
“Is that bad?” Poppy asked.
Luke nodded. “He cleans when he’s upset. He scrubs relentlessly when he’s very upset.”
Lily tried to keep a straight face. Was Dan upset because she liked Paul? Was he upset because she wouldn’t sell her honey to Carole? Was he upset because he loved her?
Luke stood as quickly as he had sat down. “You should chew on what I said. I’d like to stay and talk, but Paul will be back any minute, and I’d rather not have to talk to him. Besides, I’m driving Dinah Eicher home. You know her, don’t you, Poppy? Sweet, kind, gentle. Wouldn’t dream of socking a boy in the mouth.”
Poppy seemed to lose whatever goodwill she’d momentarily felt for Luke Bontrager. “Sounds like you’re describing a horse.”
Sweet as Honey Page 28
