by Ivy Smoak
"Then tell me. James..."
He took a step forward, sandwiching me between him and the kitchen counter. "I'm addicted to your lips on mine. I'm addicted to how you taste." He grabbed the back of my neck and kissed me hard.
I was done fighting him. He had heard what I needed to say. And now? Now he was hurting. Now I needed to make him feel better. If he needed this, then I'd give it to him. We could talk later. I grabbed the front of his t-shirt, pulling him closer to me. Our kisses weren't usually like this. I was used to slow, passionate kisses. This was urgent and raw and...emotional. He was kissing me like he didn't need air. Just me.
He grabbed my thighs and wrapped my legs around his waist, pushing my back against the counter.
I tilted my head away from his. "That's not addiction, James. That's love. I feel it too."
"No." His voice sounded pained. "I'm addicted to the smell of that perfume you put behind your ears." He kissed the side my neck. "And the smell of your shampoo." He kissed my neck again. "The softness of your skin." He put his hand on the side of my neck, rubbing his thumb against my jaw line. "The sight of your face, your beauty. I'm addicted to the curves of your body." His hand slid down to my left breast. "I'm addicted to the goosebumps you get when I turn you on." He tighten his other hand on my thigh.
A small moan escaped my lips.
"And that. That sexy little noise you make when you want me inside of you. I'm addicted to that noise. I could live in moments like this. Where I have you in my arms. I need this. Whenever I'm not with you, I crave these moments. It's all I think about. You're all that I think about."
"That's love."
"Not when you're sick. Not for me."
"Don't say that."
"I'm an addict."
"No. You were an addict. You're good. We're good."
"It doesn't go away. I just found something healthier. For me. Not for you. You deserve better than this."
"Stop. Nothing is better than this. This is love. What we have is love." I put my hand on the left side of his chest. "You're labeling this wrong."
"No I'm not. I'm addicted to the way you make me feel. I'm addicted to you, Penny." He pushed the hem of my dress up, trailing his fingers against my skin.
"No, James. That's love. That's just love. I feel the same as you. I do. James, it's okay. We're okay."
He grabbed my hips and pulled my thong hard, ripping the lacy fabric in his hands. "I need you all the time."
Holy shit. I could feel his erection pressed against me. It was so hard to focus on his words when I was so incredibly turned on. "I need you the same way you need me. Don't you see that?"
"But it's just like you said. You didn't need saving, Penny. I did." He thrust into me hard.
Fuck. My fingertips dug into his back. "I thought I lost you," I moaned.
"I thought I lost you," he said back as he thrust even deeper inside of me.
"You'll never lose me." This was love. This was our love. And to me, it was the best kind of love possible.
He pushed my dress up and I lifted my arms up so he could pull it the rest of the way off. He made short work of my bra. As soon as his hands touched my breasts he moaned into my mouth.
"I'm addicted to every inch of your body, baby. Every fucking inch." He slammed into me hard. My back was digging into the edge of the granite counter top.
I knew he was exhausted and upset. But he was also wrong. He was just plain wrong. This was not unrequited love, it never had been. He wasn't addicted to me. He was in love with me.
I grabbed a fistful of his hair to pull his mouth off mine. "I love your smile. And your laugh. Whenever I smell your body wash or cologne I get turned on." I felt the same as him. And it wasn't a sickness. It was love.
"Penny."
"I love having your arms wrapped around me. And the way you absentmindedly run your fingers through your hair. I love the color of your eyes and the way that they're always on me. And I love this," I said as I tightened my legs around him. "I crave this too. I miss you when we're apart. I love every inch of you too. Love, James. Not addiction. It's love. I love you."
"Penny."
"So how about you stop fucking me and make love to me because that's what we have."
"Baby, I'm so sorry." He pulled my face against his chest. "I'm so sorry." He held me like that for a moment. My hair was wet, so maybe I imagined it, but it felt like his tears were falling on the top of my head. I hadn't been wrong. I hadn't imagined it. We had grown together. What we had was real.
"Make love to me, James," I whispered against his chest.
"I always make love to you. Always, Penny." He grabbed my hips firmly and walked over to the master bedroom. He kicked the door open with his foot.
"Not here, James. Not in Rob's bed."
"It's our bed. Remember?" He threw me down onto it.
"Of course I remember." I looked up into his eyes. There was something there that I had never seen before. They almost looked stormy. Like something was brewing in his mind and it couldn't be stopped. I watched him pull off his t-shirt.
"We've always been wrong. You were my student for Christ's sake. We were never supposed to happen."
"But we did happen. Because despite what you think, we've always been right."
Something crossed over his face and he climbed on top of me on the bed. His strong hands pushed my thighs apart as the tip of his cock pressed against me. "We were always wrong, Penny. But it's always felt so fucking right." He pressed into me slowly this time, gently, lovingly. "And that's what's so terrifying," he whispered.
I barely heard him say it. But I definitely heard it. He was finally opening up to me. It felt like he was finally ready to share his heart completely. I let myself get lost in the moment. I let myself get lost in him.
Chapter 5
Friday
I listened to the sound of his heart beating. It felt like he wanted to talk. I was just going to wait until he did.
Several minutes later, he kissed the top of my head. "I think we need to talk."
I ran my index finger through the outlines of his six pack. "I think maybe I just need to listen."
He interlaced his fingers with mine and gently kissed my wrist. "Okay." He ran his other hand down my back, stopping right above my ass. "I don't even know where to start."
I didn't say anything. I just wanted him to tell me whatever he needed to tell me.
He sighed. "I'm always happy when we're together. But sometimes when we're apart I feel...guilty. I don't know if that's exactly the right word. It just feels like I cheated fate. I was your professor. There's responsibilities that come with that. I was supposed to protect you. I was supposed to guide you. I wasn't supposed to sleep with you. I feel bad about that. I didn't act like your professor, I was thinking with my heart and my dick instead of my head. I crossed a line. And it feels like I shouldn't be allowed to be happy when I broke the rules. That guilt eats at me. You deserved better than that. I should have never put you in that position."
I kissed his chest. "I didn't know you still felt bad about that. James, that was just as much my fault as yours. I pushed you. I wanted you to..."
"No. I was in the position of authority. That was on me."
"Still." I splayed my hand against his chest and lifted my head so I could look at him. "Okay, maybe you didn't protect me the way you should have as my professor. But you've done nothing but protect me since then. I think you've more than made up for it. Maybe you could start to try and let that guilt go?"
"But what if by doing all that, I ruined your life."
"You didn't."
"What if you were supposed to end up with Tyler?" The agony in his voice was almost palpable. "I worry that you'll be taken away from me like every other good thing I've ever had in my life. I don't deserve you, Penny. What if we were never supposed to happen?"
"I was never supposed to end up with Tyler. It's always been you. I wouldn't be happy with anyone else. I promise."
> He grabbed my hand and kissed my wrist again. "I don't know how to let that go."
"Maybe it'll be easier once we're married. Once you hear my vows. Maybe then?"
"Are you sure that's what you really want? Penny, if I'm addicted to you..." he let his voice trail off. "I don't want to ruin your life. I can't let you."
"The only way you could ruin my life is by not being a part of it."
He moved his fingers up my back and ran them through my hair. "It's scary. I know you don't see my being an addict as a problem because I seem to have it under control. But that's the thing, it's all about control. It hit a nerve hearing you talk about the notes Isabella left you. She always made me feel worthless. She made my problems worse than they were. I learned to doubt myself. It reminded me about how easily my control can shatter. But even if I am addicted to you, I still love you. I'm sorry about what I said. Of course I love you. I'm just worried that it's more complicated than that."
"I don't believe that you're sick, James. I think you're perfect. A little self-deprecating, but perfect."
He gave me a small smile.
"And I'm pretty sure we've proved that we're good at complicated. Our relationship was built on complicated." I kissed his chest.
"What happens if I lose control again?"
"Then I'll be there to help you get it back."
"But what kind of life is that?"
"The one that I want," I said.
"You're terrible at making decisions that are good for you. You realize that, right?"
"Luckily I have someone to take care of me."
He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry about what I said during our fight. You're not a problem. I know you could take care of yourself. I was just upset. I didn't mean anything I said. None of it. I'm so sorry."
"It's okay." I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat. "I forgive you." I waited a second. "Do you forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive. All of it was my fault."
"It wasn't your fault. You shouldn't put so much weight on your shoulders. You can't take responsibility for your ex-wife's decisions."
"I didn't know she was sending you stuff. I wish you had told me. I don't want you to ever feel like you're alone. I'm sorry you had to go through all that on your own."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I know I should have. I think I thought that it would just go away if I ignored it."
He ran his fingers through my hair.
"Rob told me about what really happened between you and Rachel. I don't understand why you didn't tell me the truth about how you two ended."
"I didn't meant to lie, it's just easier for me if I remember it the way I told you. Her cutting me off...it nearly killed me. And when I found out it was because my parents paid her to stop seeing me? It made all those old feelings come up, which is probably why I jumped to conclusions about what you had done. It's something I'm sensitive about. I was raised to be suspicious of people's motivations to be close to me."
"I wish you had talked to me about it."
"I'm sorry. I should have. I just didn't want you to think that there was anything to worry about. I didn't want you to be jealous of something that didn't matter."
I looked up at him and pursed my lips. "Jealous? I'm never jealous."
"Mhm." He raised his left eyebrow.
I laughed. "So...there's nothing to be jealous of? You don't have feelings for her anymore?"
"No. No, I don't have feelings for Rachel. That was a long time ago. I think I liked her more for what she represented than who she really was. I built her up as a symbol for what my life could be without following my parents' wishes and dreams. I was young and naive and...stupidly opportunistic."
"But you loved her once."
"Maybe. It wasn't anything like this though." He kissed the top of my head.
"I'm sorry that your parents did what they did. I'm sorry that happened to you."
"I'm not." He let go of my hand and touched the side of my face. "If that didn't happen, I might not be here with you right now. I wouldn't change a thing."
I turned my head and kissed his palm. "There is one more thing I want to talk about."
"Isabella?"
I nodded.
"All I want to do right now is kill her," he said.
"You don't mean that."
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it."
"Can we maybe not commit murder the night before our wedding? I was hoping to just focus on us."
He smiled. "Does that mean you still want to marry me?"
"James, I never didn't want to marry you. You kicked me out. Because you believe the word of your ex-wife over me. I'd like to know why."
"It's not that I believed her over you. My whole life I grew up hearing my parents say I wasn't good enough. I married Isabella and heard it even more. It was ingrained in my head that no one would ever really love me, they'd just love my money. And combined with the guilt I feel about how our relationship started...it wore me down. All those nagging thoughts were swirling around in my head. You couldn't give me a name and it just seemed..." his voice trailed off. "It seemed like everything I was ever told was true. And I was drunk. And I was hurting. That's not an excuse. It's just what happened. I didn't believe her over you. I just believed what I thought was true, what I've always thought was true."
I nodded. "Okay."
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
"So...you forgive me?" he asked.
I bit my lip. "There's one more thing. All those notes you wrote her. James, it really seemed like you were in love with her. I don't know why you didn't just tell me that. There's a reason why you wanted to have kids with her and not me. There's a reason why you trust her more than you trust me. There's a reason."
"No. Baby."
I looked down at his chest.
"Penny, look at me." He put his fingers under my chin and tilted my face toward his. "I hated my life. I forced myself to write those notes, trying to convince myself that I was happy. But I was drowning. Everything I wrote was a part of the facade. It's what I thought I was expected to say. I was going through the motions. And when I didn't feel like I was suffocating, I was completely numb. My life was meaningless. I was so depressed. You want to know why I really don't want to have kids? It's not just because I worry about my own problems. Yes, I worry that I'll slip and not be there for them. But mainly I just don't want to fuck them up like my parents did to me. I worry about not being good enough. The same worries I have about you. But if you want kids, let's have kids. We can make babies right now. I want to give you whatever you want."
I smiled up at him as I rested my chin on his chest. "I do understand. We don't have to have kids, I just want to be with you. It just hurt so much to see that you wanted children with her."
"I would have killed myself if I had a bunch of demon spawn running around."
I think he thought it would be funny, but I didn't find it humorous at all. There was something in the back of my head that had worried me for awhile. I had read books and articles about addiction. It was insinuated that addiction was linked with mental illness. And he had just said that he had been depressed. "Have you ever thought about that?" I swallowed hard. "Killing yourself?"
"Penny, I would never leave you."
"I know. I just mean...before we knew each other. Did you ever think about it?" I realized I was holding my breath as I waited for his answer.
"Once, maybe. I remember sitting in my office at Blive Tech. I had a press conference that I was running late for and my office phone was ringing and my cell phone was ringing and I had a million unanswered emails that I was staring at on my computer. I looked out the window at Central Park and realized that I wanted to be anywhere in the world but where I was. And maybe for a second, I thought about just how high up my window was."
I exhaled slowly.
"I had already been thinking about selling the company. I had been fighting with Isabella about it for
months. And in that moment, I just knew I couldn't keep going the way I was going. So, I went to the press conference and talked about how I was stepping down instead of whatever I was supposed to be talking about. I don't think I ever would have killed myself. I just...I needed that moment of clarity to push myself into finally making a decision for myself for once in my life."
"And you decided to be a professor instead?"
He ran his fingers through my hair. "Yeah."
"Had you always wanted to teach?"
"I had been thinking about it for awhile. It felt so much more meaningful than what I was doing."
"And you loved it?"
"Yes. More so here than in New York, though. Moving to Newark really was my fresh start. Teaching in New York still felt stifling. Maybe because I was still living with Isabella. But yes, I loved teaching. It really felt like I was making a difference."
I smiled. "Do you ever miss it?"
"My first priority is always you."
I knew that he meant what he said. But there was also another truth in it. He missed teaching. Why had he never told me he missed being a professor? I let go of his hand and shifted so that I was straddling him. "Okay, here's the deal, Professor Hunter."
He smiled at me calling him that.
"I will marry you tomorrow under one condition. You have to start teaching again."
He put his hands behind his head and smiled up at me. "That's quite the ultimatum, Miss Taylor."
I shook my head. "Not really, because I'm pretty sure you want both those things."
"I don't really want to sell Hunter Tech. I think we're doing a lot of good. We're so close on a breakthrough for a new energy source."
"Mhm. Yet you had tons of money invested in oil stocks?"
"It's good to diversify. Wait, did you sell my oil stocks?"
"Maybe a few."
He laughed.
"You're so environmentally conscious. I think I did you a favor."
"I guess I owe you a thank you." His hand moved to my waist.
I laughed. "What about my ultimatum? Don't you want to teach again? You don't even have to sell your company. You just need to find someone else to run it. Maybe unload some of the stress?"
