by Ivy Smoak
"I know." He walked past me and put his elbows on the ledge.
When I had come out here, I thought this moment was so perfect. I wish I could go back in time and ask him to make love to me. Now I was just tired and upset and James was refusing to look at me. This wasn't how it was supposed to be the night before we got married.
"I thought when you found the right person, things were supposed to be easy," he said more to the skyline than to me. "Why does it feel like this relationship is always so much work?"
"I know what you're doing. You're trying to push me away. Again. Like you always do." I leaned against the ledge beside him. "It's like you're stuck in reverse. Why do you not believe in what we have? Why do you keep pushing me away? You and I both know that I didn't walk away from you. This isn't about me. This is about you being scared. And that doesn't make you weak. I'm scared too."
He shook his head.
"Talk to me."
He turned his head to me. "Tomorrow, after I say I do, that's it for me. It's my fresh start. You're my fresh start. If something happens to that, I'm done. I can't live without you. I can't even function without you. You say you don't care if I'm addicted to you. That's your decision. I'm not going to stop you from marrying me because I don't want to. All I've ever wanted was for you to be mine. But yeah, it's fucking terrifying. Because there are no guarantees in life. Who knows what'll happen the next day or the day after that. I've given myself so completely to you that there's nothing left of me without you. There is no me without you."
"James, I feel exactly the same way. And I didn't realize how true that was until our fight last night. And that's why you're feeling that way. Because now you know what it's like to lose me. But I'm not going anywhere."
"You don't know that."
"I'm healthy. And I'm careful. And we have security guards following us around protecting us."
James shook his head. "I'm worried about Isabella. I can't explain it. I just...I know she's planning something. I can feel it. Maybe I'm just unsettled. I realize that no one else thinks Isabella would hurt anyone. But she's out there somewhere, and I'm scared that she'll try."
"We're going to be okay." I put my hand on top of his. "Anything else you need to get off your chest?"
"I want to know that you'll let me protect you."
"I'm letting Porter follow me around. They can hang out with us all the time if that's what you need."
"No, I like being alone with you." He smiled for the first time since we had sex. "I'm sorry." He sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just finally getting nervous about tomorrow too."
I ducked underneath his arm and let him wrap himself around me. "I promise I'm going to show up."
He laughed. "What about you? Is there anything you need to get off your chest before tomorrow?"
I thought about how I kept things from him before. I wasn't going to do that anymore. "I was wondering if maybe you should call your therapist? I know it's late, so in the morning maybe? To talk to him about the fact that you think you're addicted to me."
"We've already talked about it. He'll say that I'm not."
"So why don't you believe him or me?"
"Because I can't properly express how it felt when you left last night. I can't make someone understand when they don't know how it feels."
"But that's what I've been trying to tell you. I know how it feels. Because I love you."
"Your first reaction wasn't to go out and buy cocaine though."
"Only because I've never done cocaine before. Maybe it would have been. Who knows?"
James laughed. He ran his fingers through my hair. "I'll call him in the morning if it'll make you feel better."
"I just want you to go into tomorrow knowing that what we have is love," I said.
"Okay. I'll call him. Anything else?"
I hated bringing up more stuff. But I had to. This had become a night of confessions. There was no point in holding back now. "At the precinct today, that cop said something about how I'd probably have to fill out a lot of restraining orders if I was marrying you. Or something like that. What have you been arrested for, James?"
"Nothing that serious."
"Just tell me the list."
"Isabella filed a restraining order against me after I beat up the guy she was screwing behind my back. She said she was scared I'd come after her next. It was ridiculous. I never laid a hand on her. She was just trying to pretend to be the victim."
"Okay." That had to be what the officer was referring too. But I wanted to hear it all. "What else?'
"Just minor things."
"Then tell me."
He released me from his embrace so he could look down at me. "It was a long time ago."
"I promise I'm not going to judge you."
"Okay." He ran his hand through his hair. "There were a few fights once or twice that got pretty ugly during summer breaks of college. I hated coming home. I was angry all the time." He shook his head. "I think I got something for peeing in a bush in Central Park once. I don't even really remember. Public drunkenness. I wrote some threatening letters to one of Jen's ex-boyfriends. He deserved it. I don't regret that at all. That was another restraining order. And I've been arrested for being in possession of drugs. Nothing since the restraining order from Isabella, though. Nothing since I've met you."
"How are you not in jail right now?"
"I have a really good lawyer. And a lot of money."
I shook my head. "So no fights recently?"
"I don't have anything to be angry about anymore."
"You punched Tyler in the face."
"Tyler fucking deserved that."
"He didn't take your money."
"But he wanted you the whole fucking time we were together. And I trusted him. I let you hang out with him every Friday night for the past year because I trusted him."
"He was trustworthy. And he still is. He only ever said anything to me when he realized you broke up with me. Which he found out about because you showed up at his place and punched him in the face. I didn't tell him."
James raised his eyebrow at me.
"Please don't punch anyone else. And don't yell at cops. And don't buy cocaine."
He sighed.
"I feel like those are things most people don't need to be reminded of," I said.
"I'm not most people."
"I know." I touched the side of his face. "You're so much better. Thank you for telling me. Geez, that cop made it seem like you had a rap sheet of beating up women."
"I would never hurt you."
"It hurts me when you try to push me away."
He pulled me back against his chest. "Then I'm done pushing you away." He kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry that I ruined tonight."
"Tonight was perfect. It finally feels like there's nothing left unspoken between us. Do you have any idea how relieved I feel?"
"I feel it too."
"There is one more thing, though," I said.
I felt his body tense.
"Does a small part of you just want to hop on the next flight out of here and get married somewhere obscure?"
He laughed. "Maybe a small part. If it means I could have you all to myself."
"You already have me all to yourself."
Chapter 13
Saturday
"I have a gift for the bride," Rob said as he peered around the door. "Everyone decent?"
I laughed. My hair and makeup were done, but I was still in my robe. All I had left to do was put my dress on. "It's just me and Jen. And we're both good." The rest of my bridesmaids had gone for a coffee run. And my mom was on the phone outside giving last minute directions to relatives.
He closed the door and walked in.
"How is James? Is he nervous?"
Rob smiled. "I think excited is a better word for it. You look beautiful, Penny."
"Thanks, Rob. You look very handsome in your tux."
"I better. Because this tie makes i
t feel like someone is fucking strangling me."
I laughed. "I know James appreciates you wearing one. And I do too."
"You know I'd do anything for you. What's your dress like? Can I see it?"
"Did James ask you to report back to him about that?"
"What? No. Psh. Your veil looks nice." He gently touched the veil that the hair stylist had already gotten perfectly in place.
"I'll take that as a yes."
Rob shrugged. "Worth a try. I figured you'd already have it on, actually. I think he just wants to know whether or not he's going to have to hide a boner or not."
"Ew, Rob," Jen said from behind us. "But yeah, it's that kind of dress."
"Score." Rob winked at me.
"You really should be cutting down on this whole inappropriate comments thing now that you're dating Daphne."
"Boners are uncontrollable, Penny. Fuck, now I'm worried I'm going to get one."
I laughed and took the box that he handed me. There was a note folded beneath the ribbon. I couldn't wait to read it.
"Is there anything else you need?" Rob asked. "I have very specific instructions to give you anything you might want." He raised his left eyebrow just like James always did.
"Oh, I think I'm good. Thanks, though."
"You sure? It's your last chance to take me up on my offer. I'll fuck you right now, Penny. Just say the magic word."
I scrunched up my face.
"The magic word is please. Just in case you were wondering."
"Rob! Seriously, you have a girlfriend," Jen said. "Stop being gross."
"She'd understand. Penny and I have both been wanting this for so long." He winked at me again.
"You're ridiculous," I said.
Jen laughed. "Rob, get out of here. None of us need anything. Go bother James."
"And that's why Penny is my favorite sister. Seriously, Penny. You look gorgeous."
"Thank you. You're sure James is good? He's still planning on showing up?"
Rob laughed. "He's good. You have nothing to worry about."
"Okay." I took a deep breath.
"And I can tell him you're still planning on walking down the aisle, right?"
I smiled. "Of course."
"I'd kiss your cheek, but I'd probably mess something up. And I don't want to do anything inappropriate." He frowned at Jen. "Fist bump?" He put his fist out to me.
I laughed and bumped his fist with mine.
He made an exploding noise. "See you girls in a bit. Text me if you need anything. And open that in private, Penny. James said it was personal."
"I won't look," Jen said and started rummaging through her purse as Rob left the room. "Even though I'm dying to know."
"I'm sure I can tell you. Just give me a second." I walked a few steps away from her and pulled the note out from under the ribbon.
Penny,
I can't believe this day is finally here. I've been waiting my whole life to feel the way I do when I'm with you. You're everything to me. And today I finally get to make you mine.
I promise not to slip, Penny. I promise to apply to another teaching job like you want. And I promise to love you for the rest of my life. As long as I have you, I'll never need this. And I like to think it's because you make me whole. Not because I'm addicted to you. Give me time. Please don't give up on me. Our love is forever. And I'll never do anything that would cut our forever short."
I love you with all my heart, Penny.
-James
Need this? I pulled the string and opened up the box. The bag of cocaine was sitting there. I hadn't even seen him grab it back last night. What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Luckily Jen was preoccupied on her phone instead of staring at me opening the present. I quickly excused myself to the bathroom and poured the powder into the toilet. It mostly dissolved, but I flushed the toilet anyway. I watched it spin away until it was gone. I tossed the bag in the trash. The gesture was sweet, but he really knew how to give me a heart attack when I was already nervous enough.
For the first time I saw that there was something else in the box. I lifted up a picture. It was a picture of a tattoo that looked like the lines on an EKG. The ones you see on heart monitors. The beginning of it was flat and there was a date on it, and then the lines started up and down. It was the date of when we first met, two and half years ago in that coffee shop.
I turned the picture over. It said, "My life began the day I met you," on the back.
I grabbed a tissue and quickly blotted my eyes. He got a tattoo. For me. If that wasn't permanent, I didn't know what was. When had he gotten it? He had kept his shirt on last night. Had he done that on purpose so that I wouldn't see it?
I walked back out into the room and grabbed my phone to send him a text, but there was already one from him waiting for me: "Thank you for the watch. I love it. And I love you. One more hour until you're mine."
I smiled. The watch I had given him seemed so lame in comparison to what he had done. An engraving on a watch wasn't exactly on par with an engraving on your body. I quickly typed out a text to back to him.
"James, that was the sweetest gift you could have given me. I feel the same. That was the best day of my life. Besides for today maybe. Where exactly did you desecrate your perfect body?"
His response came almost immediately. "You'll have to find it tonight. I'll see you soon, baby."
"What did he give you?" Jen asked.
I knew that James wanted me to open it in private because of the drugs. But something felt private about the tattoo too. He got it for me. And depending on where it was, I might be the only one to ever see it. "Something personal."
"Sounds juicy." She smiled but didn't press me for more information.
"Coffee!" Melissa said, carrying in a tray of to-go cups. "What are you all teary-eyed about?" she asked and handed me a cup. She looked funny carrying takeout in her fancy dress.
"James gave Penny some top secret wedding present," Jen said.
"What was it?" Bee asked as she set down a bag of pastries.
I quickly closed the lid of the box. "Just, something personal. Please tell me you got raspberry Danish."
"I know you well." She slid the bag toward me.
I picked one up out the bag. We had been so busy getting ready that we had all completely forgotten about lunch. My mom had insisted that if I didn't eat I was going to faint, which I really didn't want to happen. I took a big bite.
My mom came into the room. "Okay, Aunt Margery is officially no longer lost. Oh my goodness, Penny, you need to get dressed! We have to leave in fifteen minutes!"
"Mrs. Taylor, she's eating like you just said she needed to," Melissa reminded her.
"Sorry," my mom said with a laugh. "I'm just nervous."
"You're nervous?" I said. "I'm the one that's going to trip down the aisle and faint in front of hundreds of people."
"Finish your lunch," my mom said. "I'll go get your dress." I heard her unzipping the bag it was in as I took the last bite.
Bee handed me a napkin from the bag of pastries.
"Thanks."
"Okay, shoes first." Melissa placed my sparkly heels in front of me. "Or else you'll never be able to get them on. Your dress is super tight. It's good that you and James did some late night tangoing, or you'd be torturing him all day."
My mom cleared her throat.
I would never be comfortable talking to my mom about that kind of stuff. I lightly slapped Melissa's arm.
She just laughed. "What? The cat's kind of out of the bag after tonight anyway," she whispered.
"Still." I strapped on my heels. Luckily my mom didn't say anything about it when I walked over to her. I stepped into my dress and she pulled it into place as I removed my robe.
My mom immediately started crying after she finished zippering the back.
"Mom, don't cry, you're going to make me cry."
"I can't help it. You look so beautiful, sweetie." She gestured for me to look in the mirror.<
br />
I turned around and stared at my reflection in the mirror. James was going to love this. He liked me when I just wore one of his shirts. I smiled to myself. Maybe he would get a boner when I walked down the aisle. Those would be some hilarious wedding pictures.
My red hair cascaded down my back in loose curls. The makeup that the stylist did was better than anything I had ever done myself. I barely recognized the woman staring back at me. I was an adult. James was right about this being a fresh start. I wasn't a student anymore. And he wasn't my professor. Today we left our pasts behind us. I couldn't believe this was actually happening.
Someone knocked on the door and then it opened. Justin poked his head in. "All the hot studs have officially left the hotel. If you're ready, we can head over." He came in as soon as he saw I was dressed. "Honey, you look gorgeous." He walked over to me and kissed each of my cheeks. "The most beautiful bride I've ever had the pleasure of working with."
I laughed. Justin worked with famous people. I was just a lucky girl from Delaware. I knew he was just being nice, but it still made me smile. "Thanks." I took a deep breath. "I think we're all ready."
"Okay, ladies." Justin snapped his fingers. "Grab your bouquets. And someone pick up Penny's train. You," he said and pointed at Melissa. "That's your job."
"Aye aye," Melissa said and picked up the back of my dress as she handed me my bouquet.
"Now hold my arm, Penny," Justin said. "If you fall and break your ankle in those heels I will literally kill myself."
I laughed at his poor use of the word literally and grabbed his arm. I was happy to have the support.
***
I pulled back the lacy curtain and peered out of the window. All the guests were seated in front of the big tree outside the restaurant. I don't know how many times James and I had eaten at a table right under that tree. And in just a few minutes I'd be marrying him underneath of it.
James had just emerged from the restaurant. I watched him walk toward the aisle. He greeted a few people as he made his way up to stand beside the pastor. Normally the mother would walk the groom down the aisle. But it was better this way. James was independent. And his mother didn't approve of me. I glanced toward the guests that were on his side. His mother and father were sitting beside Mr. and Mrs. Caldwell in the front row. I was happy to see that they had come.
