by P. R. Black
‘We’ve got soundproofing – that was one of my big suggestions,’ Seth said, tapping the plain white walls.
‘Soundproofing was something I was very keen on,’ Vonny remarked, drily.
‘As for the rest of the gear, it’ll come in time. We’ll take care of the main stuff in the house, first of all.’
‘So, you look like you’re into the country way of life,’ the reporter asked Seth, ‘but you’ve got all the modern tech downstairs. This is a bit of a, what’s the word… juxtaposition?’
‘If you say it is, it is.’ Seth cackled. ‘The country suits me – I was definitely in the mood for a move out of the city. I’d spent some time outside Stockholm, recording with Annika Free… you know her?’ When Susie shook her head, Seth stammered, ‘She was in the top ten about twenty years ago… I’m producing her comeback record. Dance, you know. High NRG… Well.’ Vonny could have cried for him as she watched his cheeks redden. ‘Anyway, being over there made me realise what a good decision it was to come to the country. Peace. Quiet. Less of the stress. And if things get too quiet, maybe… I don’t know.’ He caught Vonny’s eye, just in time.
‘I thought this was a forever house – like you’d be here all your days?’
Vonny squeezed Seth’s hand. ‘We’ll be here for the time being, and beyond that, for sure,’ she said.
‘Not going to sell the place up and split? I’d be tempted. God knows how much this land is worth. The raffle brought in an utter fortune. You could probably name your price.’
Vonny shook her head. ‘This is a dream home. True love. We’ve had fun doing it up – and we’ll stay put.’
‘I have to admit…’ Susie hesitated. ‘I had assumed you’d just punt the place. Had it been me, I’d have sold the plot. But this house you’ve set up, my God… I wouldn’t want to leave! Unless you had bills to pay.’
Vonny laughed. ‘Well, we’ve all got bills to pay, I guess.’
Seth said: ‘I do like the place, no question. I never thought for a minute I’d live in a place like this. And the woods, Jesus…’
‘Oh – the woods. Can I have a look at those?’
7
Susie became more confident when they got out of doors – so much so that her previous poise might well have fluttered away on butterfly wings. She ran her hands across the bark of the trees, letting the whipcord winter branches tickle the top of her head and even, on one occasion, performing a passable pirouette. She had so much energy to burn that Vonny began to find her damned irritating.
She twirled around one birch tree, fingers gliding over the silver bark. It suited the chill so much, it might have just come out of a freezer.
‘What a place you’ve got. How many acres is it, do you know?’
‘I should really know that,’ said Vonny. ‘I’d probably have to look at the survey before I could admit to a figure. It’s a lot of land, though, that’s for sure. I think some of it’s protected.’
‘Is this a public right of way? I think I’d like to come through here for a walk in my spare time. Imagine what it’s like in spring or summer!’
‘No, this is private,’ Vonny said. ‘There is a public access path at the far end of the estate, running alongside the drystone wall. People can come and go there as they please, but I’m not keen on pointing that out in the report, if you don’t mind.’
‘It’s awesome, though, you have to admit. Like being in your own fairy tale!’
‘That’s the idea,’ Seth said, linking arms with Vonny.
‘Are you going to rebuild on that spare ground?’ Susie asked, taking a shot of Vonny and Seth as they walked arm in arm through the woods. ‘It looks like something used to be there. Like it burned down.’
‘We were told that it was a stables. Guy who lived here used to breed racehorses.’
‘Yeah? I love racehorses! That’d be amazing if you could do that. God, I think I’ll jack the job in and work here.’
‘I can see myself owning horses. I think that’d be awesome – not to race them, like. Just to canter around, watch them having a snooze in the hay,’ Seth said.
‘I can actually see you as a Pop Larkin type,’ Vonny said.
‘There’s a part of me wants to work on the land. The guy across the road? He’s a farmer. Don’t know if you knew that? He grows pumpkins, rhubarb, wheat and barley. Has the life of Larry over there, it seems.’
‘When did you speak to him?’ Vonny asked.
‘He came right over to say hello, at the equestrian centre. Nice enough bloke.’
‘Oh yeah. That’ll be his wife I spoke to, earlier on today. She seemed lovely.’
Seth noticed the slight stress Vonny laid on the final word of that statement, and raised an eyebrow, just enough for her to notice.
Susie paused. ‘So can you see racehorses coming here, then – what was that you said again about the previous owner?’
‘We just heard bits and pieces. I heard today he had racehorses. That’s all. Do you know much about it? Truth be told we don’t know too much about the property – we haven’t had time to look into the history of the place.’
‘Not a lot, I have to admit. The story was the auction, really – that’s what I’m following up. It might even go national. Lot of coverage for you, anyway. It was a great story at the time. People will be keen to know more about you. And it’s an amazing building project.’ Susie bent down, changing perspective as she took a shot of the ragged tree canopy.
‘Might be interesting to dig into the history of the place. Might even give us some ideas,’ Vonny said.
‘The treeline is thicker down here – mind if we head through and get some more shots of you both, but in among the trees?’ Susie asked. ‘I think you’ll make an amazing contrast to the foliage.’
‘Why not? Haven’t had a chance to investigate round the woods, too much,’ Seth said. They moved through the forest, on occasion having to bend over to avoid a branch, or get through the tighter space between the trees. Vonny stepped through high weeds, wincing and hoping there was nothing dead hiding down there in the brownish, decaying matter.
‘Aw, mate,’ Susie said, excitedly, ‘check out that spot through there! It looks alive. I mean, alive enough to bite you.’
She pointed towards a space between a tangle of alders, where a jagged knot of brambles formed a formidable, lethal-looking barrier. Vonny instinctively didn’t want to stand next to it; the needle-point branches stood as tall as Seth, and Vonny fancied that one of the studded fronds would reach around her neck like a nasty from an ancient B-movie.
‘That’s perfect,’ Susie said, getting one knee on the ground in order to take a new shot. ‘That’s the one, right there… Hey.’ She stood up, frowning.
Vonny spun around, staring into the nettles. ‘Not something alive in there, is there?’
‘No, it’s just… can you see it?’
Vonny and Seth drew closer.
‘Bloody hell,’ he said. ‘I’ve absolutely no idea what that is.’
‘A door, is what it is,’ Vonny said. ‘Christ. What was that you said about a fairy tale?’
‘No way!’ Susie bounded ahead. Vonny had a bizarre feeling she wanted to give her a hug, maybe as a means of holding her back. In the tangle of branches ahead of them, there was a regularity where none should have been; a series of pine slats.
‘You’re not joking, either,’ Seth said, snorting. Gently, he took hold of some branches and pulled them back. ‘There is a door in the middle of this. Is it… Are we looking at a shed?’
‘Who for, a Hobbit?’
‘Hold my hugely expensive old man’s hat, please,’ Seth said, handing Vonny his flat cap. He then unravelled the yellow and black cravat and wrapped it around his hands. Hunkering down, he pulled back more branches, moving closer.
‘It’s well overgrown, but I reckon there’s a shed there,’ he said.
‘Maybe you should stay away from it,’ Vonny said. ‘That’s my gut feeling. It’s there fo
r a reason.’
‘Exciting though,’ Susie said, taking shot after shot.
‘It’s hardly going to explode, is it?’ Seth said, grinning. Ignoring her, he moved closer into the tunnel. There was a good four or five yards to get into the bushes and brambles. He gave a sharp cry as a thorn tugged at the back of his hand.
‘I think I can reach a handle, there,’ he said.
‘It’s padlocked.’ Susie had zoomed in on her phone. ‘Wow… Someone didn’t want people to get in here.’
‘It’s padlocked, yeah, but it’s rusted… Give me a minute. There’s loose stone about here.’ He backed out and began digging around in the trampled path, where segments of drystone studded the hard earth. Eventually he found a large, flat stone, with a mean-looking edge, and tugged it free. ‘Think this was a surgical implement back in the Stone Age. Some livers got removed with this, I reckon.’
‘Please leave it, Seth.’
‘Aw, where’s your sense of adventure? This could be an Aladdin’s cave in here.’
‘It could be anything. Please, Seth.’
‘Nothing’s going to happen. Guy who lived here bred horses. It’s probably a hay bales store. Been here for years, they forgot about it, and nature takes its course.’
‘They call places they keep hay bales “barns”, so far as I know, Seth, and that’s not a barn.’
‘It’s cushty. It’ll be fine. Trust me.’
‘Those sound like famous last words. Whatever this is, someone wanted it hidden.’
‘So… You’re saying we cover it up and ignore it? No chance. All the more reason to see what’s in here, before someone else blames us for it. Look, I’ll just snap off the padlock and take a look. We own this now, right?’
Before she could complain, he got back on his haunches and centred himself. His bottom wiggled a little like a rugby player about to take a penalty. She did not see him strike the padlock, but the sound of the rock striking metal was unmistakable.
‘Straight off in one,’ Seth said, in an awed tone. ‘It’s just one dinky old padlock – they couldn’t have been that bothered about what’s in here.’
‘Can you open it?’ Susie asked. She was practically in there beside him. The light from her phone cast the thorns and branches in an eerie silver among the gloom.
‘There’s a doorknob here… It’s quite stiff…’ Seth grunted. ‘No, wait, it’s coming open fairly easily… Jeez, it smells musty. Maybe something died in here. And… Oh my God!’
‘What is it?’ Vonny leapt forward. She grabbed him by the only place she could – right on the seat of his tweeds.
Seth yelped. ‘Something hanging on the other side of the door. It’s… God almighty, it’s almost too horrible to describe!’
Even Susie lost a little of her excitement, backing off slightly. ‘What have you got?’ she said.
‘It’s… a tarts and vicars charity calendar for the local rugby team.’ Seth held up a grimy, moisture-warped calendar, with the faces of the men and women in ridiculous costumes bleached out a little by exposure to water. The year was frozen at 1991, the month of May. The tarts and vicars were apparently playing croquet on a frog-green pristine lawn. A vicar with his tongue protruding between his lips had his hands folded over that of a tart in a basque and suspenders, helping her with her swing on the croquet mallet.
‘Ugh, it smells like rats!’ Susie said.
‘Yeesh, you must be right,’ Seth said, hurling the calendar back into the gloom. ‘Could you bring the light in? I need to see what’s in here…’
‘What do you see so far? Is it an actual shed? Can you get in?’ Vonny could smell it too; the scent of linen left for too long in a cupboard, or a back room in a shop that had not had a stocktake in a while. It made you automatically want to wash your hands.
‘Hang on a minute,’ Seth said, ‘I’ll need to do some walking on the old knees… Good job I’ve got a pair of action trousers here, eh? Let’s go.’
He disappeared inside the door.
Then he cried out. There was a scuffling sound, then a body hitting the ground.
Vonny charged in. ‘Seth!’
In the gloom of the shed, something hung from the ceiling; a dark figure, dangling on a rope, the feet suspended off the floor. Seth had collided with it; he’d fallen over, and was scrambling to get back to his feet, and join Vonny at the door. ‘There’s a body in here!’ he gasped.
8
It took a second or two for everyone’s eyes to adjust in the flood of light, and for the situation to become clear.
‘It’s not a body,’ Vonny said. She began to laugh, the high, piercing sound of incipient hysteria. ‘It’s just a coat!’
‘Hell is that doing there?’ Seth said, angrily. ‘Idiots, man. Someone’s idea of a joke?’
Susie’s tittering brought him back.
Vonny approached the coat. It was a branded black waterproof jacket, of uncertain vintage, dangling from a rafter by a coat hanger. It turned slightly as Vonny approached. She touched it, gingerly, as if unsure whether or not the coat was really empty. It spun, slowly, as she prodded a shoulder. ‘Spooky. Whoever left this must have known how it would look to people coming in. Maybe it’s a warning?’
Seth recovered some poise, and approached the coat. He was six foot three in his socks, and had to stoop a little. ‘I’ve lost a fight with a coat. Today is a day of firsts.’ He patted down the pockets, then reached inside. He stopped, face slack with surprise. ‘Something in the inside pocket here…’
He pulled out a set of car keys – old keys, too, manual rather than button-controlled central locking.
‘How weird,’ Vonny said.
Seth pocketed the car keys, then pulled the jacket off its hanger. ‘Not much else in here… Best take a look around.’ The boards under his feet creaked. He flinched at the kiss of cobwebs on his forehead; something actually scuttled across his neck, and he flailed at it.
‘Yuck, man.’
‘What is it?’ Vonny was at his back, having moved in ahead of Susie.
‘The desiccated corpse of a chiiild,’ he said, in a disconcertingly accurate impression of Vincent Price’s nasal malice. ‘Only kidding, a coupla spiders. I’d be careful all the same. Might have to come back with flamethrowers.’
‘I don’t have too much of a spider problem,’ Vonny said. ‘So long as I have a fair chance in single combat.’
‘You’re all good, then.’
Susie held up her phone, the LED light strong. ‘This had a promising start, but it’s kind of disappointing,’ she said.
‘Yep. Empty.’ Seth sighed. The room was just about bare; ivy leaves left an eerie impression, choked up against the tiny window, off to the left, while a pitted pine desk with a lacquer effect finish appeared to have weathered surprisingly well, apart from a fine mesh of cobwebs. The place had clearly been undisturbed for quite some time, but the roof seemed sound, and there were no obvious signs of damp or leakages despite the musty smell.
Seth fished in the pockets of his wax jacket for his own phone, and soon his own light joined Susie’s. Vonny winced at this second light, turning her head away.
‘Nothing in the desk?’ she asked.
Seth reached for the single drawer, apparent at the front, then hesitated. ‘Odds on a rat or something leaping out on us?’
‘Evens,’ Vonny said. ‘Do it anyway, though.’
‘Please,’ Susie said, brightly. ‘I’m filming this, now.’
Seth’s throat clicked as he swallowed. ‘All right then. Taking one for the team, here.’
He snatched out the drawer. And exhaled. ‘Well,’ he said. ‘This is a turn-up for the books.’
‘What is?’ Vonny came forward.
‘A turn-up… for the dirty books.’ Seth reached in, and lifted out a magazine from the drawer. It was rendered in pure shadow, until Susie’s light fell upon the cover.
The two women burst out laughing. ‘Oh my God, we’ve found his stash!’ Vonny said. ‘Do
they even have these things in the modern era?’
Seth grinned. ‘You scoff, but these could be collector’s items. Might be a rare copy. Some guys, they’ll collect anything. Family heirlooms, too – someone’s grandmother could be in these pages. This looks as if it’s hardly been used, man.’
‘Put it down, for God’s sake,’ Vonny said, still laughing. ‘It could be… contaminated!’
‘It’s been here for a while, pet. Not as long as the tarts ’n’ vicars calendar, but definitely “vintage”. August ’98? Shall we look inside?’
‘No, we shall not!’
Seth replaced the magazine. ‘That was it. Nothing else in there.’ After a moment, he knocked the bottom of the drawer. ‘No false bottom, either. Think we should get it to the former owner’s family? Might make a nice keepsake.’
‘Grim,’ Vonny said. ‘I have to say, he’s gone a long way to keep some blue magazines secret.’
Seth spluttered. ‘He’s living the dream! Never mind a masturbation station, he’s got an entire wank bunker down here.’
‘I was hoping for some big secret,’ Susie said. ‘Well… a bigger secret, anyway.’
‘There is the dartboard,’ Vonny said.
‘Where?’ Seth spun around, the light shearing off in an erratic curve until it settled on an ancient, pitted dartboard. The dark sections of the board seemed to have warped, either from neglect or overuse, with white strands poking out through the material. It was fixed to a car tyre, which had been sliced to form a pockmarked buffer zone to absorb wayward shots; it, too, was nailed to the wall. A blackboard was pinned up beside it, with no clear message chalked up; merely the ghost of games from the past. Two darts were stuck in the board, one in the green bed marking double fifteen, the second in the green zone encircling the bullseye, and the third just outside the board, above double top. The flights had the skull and crossbones of the Jolly Roger on them, the whiteness of the skulls almost unbearable to focus on in the concentrated light.
