She promised that she would.
Later “Curly” opened a promotional barrel of drink given to him gratis by the brewery and made a great show of dispensing free drinks. Later still “Curly” joined them and helped himself to some of his own free drink. He indulged so much that he ended up singing a sad sea shanty that resulted in the female members of the group rubbing tears from their eyes and the male members looking into their pints.
Liam thought they had enough to drink when he overheard Dr. Hogan and “Corner” discussing the procedure for amputating limbs without an anesthetic while under attack from marauding Indians. He definitely knew they had enough to drink when “Corner” went around and kissed everybody including Liam and ended up kissing a poster which showed a male model advertising a drinks product.
Mary went home with her parents and Liam took a taxi home to his room with “Corner”, who slept at the bottom of the bed and didn’t take his clothes off either.
Chapter 25
The Hospice
Diana, true to her word, telephoned as soon as the doctor moved Danny to the hospice. Liam listened as she described the rapid deterioration in the ex-priest’s condition. ‘He needs constant monitoring and frequent morphine injections to ease his pain and they were only available at the hospice,’ she told him.
Liam told her he would be there as soon as possible.
The battered looking taxi dropped Liam at the gate. The first thing he noticed was the immaculately kept lawns and flower beds surrounding the low-rise building. The entrance doors opened with a soft swish and Liam entered a carpeted lobby bathed in soft lighting. He though he heard the restful sound of falling water but could not see the source.
The receptionist spoke in a soft voice in answer to his question and Liam proceeded down some more carpeted corridors to the appointed room. He knocked gently on the door and Diana’s voice told him to enter.
Danny sat propped up in the bed. Diana sat on a chair at the side of the bed and held his hand in hers. He smiled weakly as Liam moved towards the end of the bed. Liam was at a loss for words; words like “how are you?” and “are you feeling better?” seemed entirely inappropriate.
Diana got him off the hook by speaking first. ‘Some of his clerical friends have been in to see him already. They were so kind and we both thanked them for their concern. One of them in particular – an elderly priest – said he would be back again.’
‘Is there anything practical I can do to help?’ asked Liam, feeling helpless in the situation. He noticed that Danny’s eyes were now closed and that his head lolled to one side.
Diana shook her head. ‘All we can do now is pray and hope that God takes this good man soon.’
*
Danny’s condition deteriorated over the following days and at 2 am. Exactly a week after being admitted he died. Diana and Liam were present, as were all the other members of the group. The group stayed behind after Danny’s death and those who were religious prayed and those without faith extended their support.
*
A large crowd turned up for the funeral and several priests concelebrated the Mass. The main celebrant made a speech highlighting the main parts of Danny’s life, his service to the community and expressing regret at his untimely end. A singer sang “The Old Wooden Cross” which was a particular favorite of Danny’s.
After the service the group walked behind the coffin to the local cemetery. The group shouldered the coffin the final few yards to the graveside and stood by as the priest read the final prayers. After the prayers were said, each person threw a flower into the grave in a final gesture.
As Liam stood there a black dressed Diana came and stood by his side. ‘I’ve lost a good man today,’ she said.
‘And I’ve lost a good brother,’ Liam replied.
Chapter 26
The Stag Night
Patrick, Bobby and Henry organized the stag night for Liam between them. They debated whether to have the night locally or travel to another venue. They discussed the matter with “Curly” Cribbins who remembered that he knew the owner of a pub located in a village about 25 miles distant. He said that he would talk to the owner, look after accommodation and come himself.
I have seen too many men make fools of themselves on their stag nights and it’s not going to happen to me, vowed Liam as they journeyed the short distance to their destination. Stories of naked men being chained to lampposts or being tarred and feathered were legendary. No sirree! It’s not going to happen to me.
His thoughts were interrupted by a loud twang. “Corner” must have bought or “borrowed” a battered guitar from someplace and he brought the instrument along despite the fact that he could not play a chord. Now he sat opposite Liam abusing the strings and singing bits of songs that he never really knew.
Presently the train arrived at their destination, which turned out to be a small, pretty village, and they carried their overnight bags to the appropriately named “Dew Drop Inn”. “Curly” greeted the proprietor like a long lost brother and they were shown to their accommodation.
They started drinking in early evening after a full meal. The five sat around a table in the “Dew Drop Inn’s” large lounge. The proprietor delivered the drinks to the table and informed them that a traditional band would be playing in the lounge later that night. “Corner” told him that he would accompany the band on his guitar. This brought shouts of ‘No!’ from the rest of the group. Bobby then told his companions about the visit of “High” and “Low” to his shed and the stopping of his welfare payments. ‘It’s about time they caught you,’ Patrick said, laughing. Bobby did not mention the damage caused to the social welfare office by “a person or persons unknown”. The conversation was interrupted briefly by the antics of “Corner” who choose that moment to go to the bar with his guitar and serenade the barmaid with an song in Italian, despite knowing no Italian. The group encouraged him with shouts of, ‘More!’ ‘More!’ After “Corner” returned to the table, Henry told them the tale of the sick patients that sustained more injuries in their scramble for a free soft drink. When the laughter subsided, he told them about the politician trying to jump the queue in the middle of an emergency. ‘Good on you,’ they said. Then they spent the next hour listening to the tales recounted by “Curly”. He told them that for a time he managed a pub in London frequented by what is loosely called “the film set”. He named names and they changed their perception of some of the more popular “stars” of the previous two decades. He also told them about the two heavyweight wrestlers who threw each other around the ring in the evening and threw each other around the bedroom at night.
Liam started to feel a warm glow suffuse his body. The fact that he was in a different location and among friends and that the last traumatic few months were behind him relaxed his mind. The only regret he would have: that Danny did not live to see his coming marriage to Mary. Leaving his memories behind he swallowed another mouthful of drink and watched the traditional band set up their equipment. The lounge started to fill at this time. Many of the patrons were farming types with the men having sun damaged skin on their faces and the women wearing sensible shoes.
Then the band played a few all time favourites and couples started to dance. Henry and Bobby threw caution to the wind, walked across the floor and asked two women to dance. Liam sat there slowly sipping his drink until the proprietor spoke to the bandleader. During the next break, the bandleader announced that a party of men from outside the village was having a stag night and would the culprit stand up. Reluctantly Liam stood and took a bow.
‘And,’ the bandleader continued, ‘I want all the ladies present to give him a dance.’ A large clap followed this appeal.
Liam spent the next hour dancing and though his dancing skills were basic, the women he danced with were no ballerinas. During dances, he fended off questions about the length of his relationship with Mary and his honeymoon destination. Between dances he returned to the table and took some drink. His g
lass always seemed to be full but perhaps that was an illusion caused by too much to drink. On one of his dancing sweeps near the stage he caught sight of “Corner” strumming his guitar and miming to a song. Luckily, the other instruments drowned out “Corner’s” efforts.
During a break, the band asked for singers and Liam took an opportunity to sit and rest after his exertions. “Corner” started the singing with a country and western song complete with horse noises. Most customers took this as an opportunity to use the toilets and to go outside for a smoke. Henry and Patrick returned to the table with two women in tow and introductions were made all round. “Corner’s” moment of fame ended and other quite good singers did their party piece.
I’m not going to get drunk and make a fool of myself, Liam promised himself. Yet the room seemed to be slightly out of focus and he did have this urge to get up and dance.
Because of his condition, Liam did not notice the conversation between Henry, Patrick, “Curly” and the proprietor of the “Dew Drop Inn”.
Then the band struck up a number that Liam particularly liked and rising from his seat he walked an unsteady path across the dance floor and asked a middle-aged woman to dance. The song over, Liam and his dancing partner stood waiting for the next song to start when suddenly the lights dimmed and to the beat of a drum a circle formed around Liam. Into the circle stepped a slim girl dressed in a swimsuit with bulges in all the right places. Around her neck, she wore a necktie and in her hand, she carried a feather duster. The girl started her act by wrapping her arms around Liam’s neck and kissing him on the cheek. Then she slowly undid the buttons on his shirt to the accompaniment of cheers from the circled crowd. After removing his shirt and vest, the girl slowly circled him rubbing his upper body with the feather duster.
Liam swayed unsteadily on his feet, his eyes closing, he wanted to lie down and sleep. The cheering and clapping barely infringed on his consciousness. He tried to hold on to the girl that danced around him for support but she danced out of reach.
Then, with a practised routine the girl put her arms around Liam’s neck, placed one leg behind his back and simulated a sexual movement. The crowd egged her on. After another kiss to Liam’s cheek the girl went down on one knee and undid his pant’s belt. She pretended to make a hard job of pulling down his pants and making the helpless Liam step out of them. Still holding the feather duster she inserted the end into Liam’s trunks and moved the feather duster in a circular motion. The women present went wild and screamed with emotion.
With her act finished the girl departed. Suddenly the circle parted again and “Corner” entered, pushing a wheelbarrow. Henry and Patrick lifted the hapless Liam into the wheelbarrow where he lay dozing. “Corner” then proceeded to roll the wheelbarrow and its cargo around the dance floor followed by the rest of the patrons. Bobby made sure that he took plenty of photographs for future viewing.
*
Liam woke before daybreak. No streak of light pierced the darkness of the room. A body shared the bed with him; he could feel hair against his face. It could be a female. It could be Mary. His head felt as if hit by a hammer.
Liam placed his arm around the figure and drifted back to sleep.
*
The sound of loud banging woke him. It seemed to come from far away. Then the noise got louder and more persistent. A voice called. It sounded like Bobby’s voice. The voice called, ‘Liam, get up for breakfast,’ repeatedly.
Liam groaned and opened one eye. The light hurt his retina and his throat felt parched. ‘Go away! Go away!’ He heard himself say.
‘Get up for breakfast,’ Bobby repeated.
At that moment, Liam became aware of the shape in the bed next to him. His bleary eyes picked out the shape of a head covered with long blonde hair sticking out from under the bed covers. Liam reached over and gave the shape a push. The push elicited no response. He pushed the shape again. Still no movement came. A deep sleeper, thought Liam, his brain still not functioning properly. Then he reached over and stripped back the clothes.
With a startled cry Liam forgets about his physical condition and sits up in bed. Next to him in the bed lay a fully inflated rubber doll. The female shaped doll possessed all the right pieces in all the right places including synthetic pubic hair.
Befuddled by the sight of the doll, Liam failed to notice that the banging and shouting had stopped.
The door open quickly and Bobby stepped inside with camera in hand. Before Liam could protest a series of photographs were taken.
Chapter 27
Rev. Dermot O’ Connor
When the Rev. Dermot O’ Connor P.P., St. Michael’s Church visited two days before the wedding to finalize details, “Punctual” Mary’s mother sat him down and offered him tea and biscuits. “Punctual” Mary sat next to her mother opposite the reverend.
The reverend – no relation of “Corner” – appeared to be in his sixties with a thin face and body to match. Dressed in traditional “uniform” of black suit and collar, the clothes seemed to hang on his thin frame as if bought for a man twice his girth. His only departure from “normal” was the colorful socks exposed when he crossed his legs. The reverend’s mannerisms could only be described as “camp” and he spoke with a squeaky voice. He seemed to prefix every sentence with a “God says”, or “with the help of God”.
‘With the help of God everything will go smoothly on the “big’ day”, said the reverend, holding the cup of tea delicately with two fingers. ‘The reason I called to see you is to tell you that I have to depart as soon as the wedding is over. An important conference is taking place and I can’t escape from attending. The Bishop would have my garters…So I will not be staying for the meal after the wedding.’
‘What a shame,’ both women said.
The Rev. O’ Connor replaced the cup delicately on the plate and wiped the corner of his mouth with a finger. Lifting a biscuit, he nibbled the corner before continuing. ‘Because I have to leave early, it’s important that the service starts on time. Now, it is traditional that the bride to be arrives late, but I would appreciate if you could make your arrival as soon as possible after the appointed time.’
“Punctual” Mary’s mother placed her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. ‘You don’t have to worry about Mary, reverend; she is never late for an appointment and definitely will not be late for her wedding.’
Now “Punctual” Mary spoke. ‘Ever since puberty I have dreamed of arriving for my wedding on a horse-drawn carriage. There are not many supplying that sort of service anymore but luckily I managed to hire an open-top coach complete with coachman. Don’t you think a carriage adds an extra touch of glamour to the occasion and looks great in wedding photographs? It is only a seven-minute walk to the church so there should be no problem.
By this time, the reverend had nibbled the biscuit down to his fingers. How long he would take to eat a three-course meal, God only knew.
‘Well, God says I must go and do His work.’ With those words the Rev. Dermot O’ Connor departed.
Chapter 28
The Bogus Priest
Two days before the wedding “Corner” O’ Conner entered a clerical outfitter and bought a clerical collar. He told the assistant that parishioners were not contributing as much as previously to church collections and blamed this on the rise of the materialistic society. The assistant took pity on him and gave him a discount.
“Corner’ made the charity shop his next port of call. He noticed that a younger woman now served in place of the elderly assistant he dealt with previously. ‘I want to trade in these items,’ said “Corner” removing pants, jacket and cap from a plastic bag. ‘I want to buy a black pants and jacket.’
‘Help yourself sir,’ the assistant smiled cheerfully. She pointed into the interior of the shop.
“Corner” spent half an hour rummaging among the racks before he found a black jacket that fitted. The pants were a bit harder to find but in the end, he found a pair that he could use with th
e support of a belt.
Going back to the assistant, he placed the two items on the counter in front of her.
‘You found what you wanted?’ the girl asked the obvious, politely.
‘Yes. I’ve found an outfit for the wedding that’s coming up in two days’ time.’
What a shame it is, in an age of affluence, the girl thought, that people were forced to go to a wedding in secondhand clothing.
‘Listen, the young assistant said, speaking in a low voice, ‘Give me whatever you can afford and I’ll take the items you brought back in part exchange.’
‘Frontier’s women such as you are a credit to the nation,’ replied “Corner” handing over a few Euro.
‘Where’s the wedding taking place?’ asked the assistant as “Corner” collected his purchases and made for the door.
‘St. Michael’s Church,’ replied “Corner” not turning around.
‘Frontier’s woman! What did he mean by frontier’s woman?’ repeated the assistant as she placed the money in the till.
*
With only an hour to go to shutting up shop for the day and during a quiet period a sudden thought struck the assistant. She went over in her mind the description given to her by the two menacing looking men a few days previously. No, it couldn’t be? Yet, the general description tallied. She remained undecided. She didn’t want harm to come to that mixed-up man who could not afford new clothes for a wedding. Similarly, she did not want any harm to come to herself either. What if the two men found out that the man they were seeking called to the shop and she failed to inform them? She remembered the man playing with the knife and decided to telephone the number given. The voice at the other end of the line said that they would be over straight away.
Postcards to America Page 13
