Jake and Gracie got engaged over Christmas. They called us while we were still at my mom’s. We put her on speaker phone, and she told us the whole goopy, sappy story. The canoe, the moon on the pond, blah, blah, blah. It was a great story, and I was thrilled for them, but it wasn’t my kind of engagement story. Perfect for Gracie because Jake knew how to love her the way she needed to be loved. If Calon ever asked me to marry him, I hoped he knew me well enough not to do something that sappy.
After my lunch with Gracie, I walked back to Calon’s. I slipped out of the jeans I could no longer button. My stomach pooched out just enough to keep the button too far from the buttonhole.
I stood completely naked in front of the full length mirror on the back of Calon’s bedroom door. I turned to the side and studied the shape of my lower belly. I tried to imagine the position of the baby inside. I put both hands on the small protrusion and for the first time ever I spoke directly to my unborn child.
“Hi, baby, I’m your mommy. I wasn’t expecting you, like ever, but I’m glad you’re here—in me. I’m glad you chose me. I can’t wait to meet you.”
I threw on one of Calon’s huge gray UTK hoodies he wore when he ran in the cold and a pair of old, comfy sweats I’d had since high school. I grabbed all the papers from my purse and climbed between the covers that smelled like Calon. I felt a twinge in my core as I thought how he loved my body in that bed.
The thick stack of papers had me mesmerized in no time. I suddenly craved more and more information about the baby growing inside me. I grabbed a highlighter from the cup of pens and pencils next to Calon’s bed and started studying pregnancy stages like it was my job.
My body was so comfortable lying in Calon’s bed. Pretty soon the papers I’d been reading were strewn all over the place, and I was out cold. The pillow top king-sized mattress, high thread count sheets, and a down comforter lulled me to sleep. Every time I crawled into his bed I felt like it pulled me into it just as much. It was a whole new level of comfort.
I could tell it was getting dark even with my eyes closed. But I needed to get up unless I wanted to pee in Calon’s pillowy paradise. Before my eyes were completely open, Calon came into focus, but he wasn’t looking at me. I lay perfectly still and closed my eyes again, but just far enough that he couldn’t tell I was spying on him.
He leaned against the frame of the door in nothing but a towel looking at something small he held in his hand. He stood perfectly still, his wet curls clung to his face. My eyes raked over his perfect body, and that twinge in my core came back with a vengeance. Never before had anyone made my body parts ache for them without a single touch. Just looking at him lit me up. I moved my feet under the covers to see what he would do. He spooked and then shoved whatever he was holding into the pocket of the ugliest damn coat he kept on a hook on the door of his closet. I stilled.
He stared at me lying in his bed and smiled. Then, as though it was part of a script, he started to sing. His voice was so quiet I couldn’t make out the words. Whatever the song, he sang it like a lullaby. He walked around the bed, and I felt the bed sink down and the covers shift as he climbed in behind me. He was still singing, but he was closer, and I could hear every single word. A beautiful a cappella rendition of “What if” by Five for Fighting. A song that always reminded me of our love story. When we first started our long talks, I remember wondering what it would be like to let him hold my heart, and if I’d be able to wear his scars. I imagined secrets he would tell me, and, in my mind, I told him mine. There were a whole lot of ‘what ifs’ in the beginning but not anymore.
We had each other to hold onto, and now we had a baby that tied us together for an eternity. We were through the ‘what ifs’ and onto ‘what’s next’.
BY MID-JANUARY we had all fallen into a rhythm of sorts. The guys and I wrote and practiced all day then recorded or played at Mitchell’s in the evenings. We played with Gracie every Friday, and Buzz was kind enough to switch some bands around, so we could play every Saturday for the whole month.
We finished our first set, and I winked at Becki and Gracie sitting at the bar. I looked around just before I left the stage and took it all in. I loved the feel of the small bar crowd, because it was so much more personal and seemingly relevant to what we were about, more so than the large venues we’d been playing. When we first started out with Max and his crew, we were thrilled to be playing for crowds two and three times larger than any we’d played for at Mitchell’s and that seemed to be inspiring to all of us.
Just before Christmas we were called to open for Tragic Monster, a big band that had just signed a deal with Genesis Records. They lost their opening act at the last minute, and someone told their manager to give us a call to fill in for their Hollywood Bowl show. The Hollywood Bowl is the largest natural outdoor amphitheater in the US, and the night we played it was a sold out crowd, which meant over seventeen thousand screaming fans. Our biggest show ever.
Afterwards, in the limo that Tragic Monster had hired to get us there and back to our hotel, I sat between Becki and Danny, and the guys sat across from us in a rear facing seat. A conversation started about what it felt like to play for that many people.
“It blew my mind to see that many faces staring up at us, ya know? But, to say it was overwhelming would be an understatement.” Spider tossed back a shot of whiskey and winced as the burn made its way down his throat.
“But, overwhelming is good, right? Don’t the big timers usually talk about that in interviews and stuff? I’ve heard bands mention how freaked out they were in the beginning when they started playing for big crowds. Right?” I wrung my hands to try and stop the trembling. I didn’t know where my mind was on the subject of huge crowds, but it wasn’t the thrill I thought it would be. Quite honestly, it felt contrived and I felt disconnected.
“It’s probably normal to feel that way, Calon.” Danny patted me on the leg and smiled.
Manny poured us each another shot, and we all downed them before he began to speak. “Listen, guys, y’all remember the Pearl Jam documentary, right?”
“PJ20?” Bones piped up and poured himself his fifth shot.
“Yeah. Remember when they showed them playing at some outdoor gig in the Netherlands, I think it was?” Manny threw back his shot.
“Pink Pop. Nineteen ninety-two.” Bones was our in-house trivia dork.
“That’s it. Do you remember Ed taking Polaroid shots during the show? When they interviewed him afterwards he pulled the pictures out of his pocket and said it was overwhelming to play for such a big crowd because at that point, they’d never played any place that big. I don’t remember how many people they said were there—”
“Sixty thousand.”
“Thanks, Bones. Okay, so it was significantly more than what we saw tonight, but it was the biggest show for them at that point in their career, and it overwhelmed them. Ya know? I think it’s natural to feel the nerves we’re feeling.” Manny closed his eyes, and I couldn’t tell if he was too drunk to keep his eyes open or just reveling in the size of the crowd we’d just rocked.
“Yeah, but, do you question whether that’s what we want?” Becki squeezed my hand when I spoke, and I knew I’d just opened a can of worms, but I had to make it known that I needed to make sense of the path we were on.
“Fuck no!” Bones choked on his spit and hacked up a drunk lung then continued. “Dude, that’s what we’re in this for, right? To make it big. Play big places. Do interviews and have documentaries made about us. Right? Aren’t we in it for the fame?”
“I don’t think that’s what I focus on, Bones.” I looked over at Becki, and she smiled. She knew I tried to stay grounded and recognized that the speed we were going, it could soon be difficult to keep our hearts in the right place and not get sucked into the fame circus.
“Come on, Cal! Don’t minimize what this was for us. Don’t get all philosophical. We just fuckin’ played The Hollywood Bowl, and people were loving us.”
“I kn
ow, Bones. I am so humbled that a crowd of that size welcomed us as freely as they did.”
“Hell, yeah, they did. Because we fuckin’ rocked their world. Doesn’t that give you a boner, man?”
Becki giggled and took the last sip from her water bottle.
“Listen, guys.” Becki’s voice was calming. “This is all part of the journey, and that’s what you have to focus on right now—the journey. Don’t look ahead and try to decide whether you want to play big or small venues, or whether you want to make decent cash or be a household name. There will come a time that you’ll be faced with a situation that will set this all straight for you. You’ll know what you want when you have to make tough choices. Stay true to your hearts and don’t let go of your integrity, and someday you’ll know. You’ll just know.” Becki smiled and nodded at each one of us as she spoke.
I always knew Becki was our sanity, but, in my eyes, she more than proved herself with those couple sentences. She was right. We needed to just take it all in and savor every bit of what we were experiencing and one day, we’d just know.
WE DECIDED TO hang out at a table for a while after we finished playing.
“You guys remember that night we talked in the limo about the size of our crowds?” I poured another beer from the pitcher that seemed to never empty thanks to a star struck waitress who used refills as her excuse to come backstage and flirt.
“Yeah, what’s up, Cal?” Spider raised his pilsner into the air, and we all followed suit.
“I just want you to know that I am enjoying the small crowds at Mitchell’s, but there’s an energy that’s missing, and I guess that’s one of the things you get only from the larger crowds.” I took a swig of my beer.
“I’d have to agree. When I’m in the moment and jamming away on the bass, it’s the sound of thousands of people who make me forget how exhausted I am. Ya know? I’m sure there are pros and cons to both. We just need to, as a band, stay grounded about it and not fade into the masses of all those bands just in it to make it big. It needs to be about the music. Always.” Bones nodded to himself, seemingly impressed with his change of heart since we’d discussed fame that night in the limo with Becki. The cute waitress was back and filled all our glasses this time instead of just bringing a fresh pitcher. She winked at Bones when she scooted passed him.
“What’s your name, sweetheart?” Bones was relentless when it came to women who flirted with him. He always felt it was his responsibility to get them even giddier than they already were. It was just strange to have that level of fandom in Knoxville. We usually felt like the crowd was more a group of friends hanging out with us and not “fans,” so to speak.
“I’m… I’m Charlotte.” She blushed and batted her eyes at each of us. “I’m a Delta Gamma sister. Tonight is our DeeGee-Waitress fundraiser. We pulled straws to see who got to wait on you guys. It was me. I got the longest straw.” She bounced up and down and squealed a little.
“That’s funny because, of the four of us, I’ve got the longest straw, too, Charlotte.” Bones mimicked her bouncing, but did it in a way that was funny and not callous.
“Well, Bones, maybe you can show me later.” Charlotte winked and turned, wiggling her ass on her way back out to the bar with our empty pitcher.
“What… Did you… Guys!” It was rare for Bones to be caught off guard by a girl coming onto him, but there was something about Charlotte he apparently appreciated more than most. I was relieved she was into Bones, because it was an arduous task having to curtail the flirting and come-ons. Since the Twitter incident and the ‘who Calon knocked up’ hashtag trended, I’d tried to keep those kinds of fans at arm’s length. But the more venues we played, the worse it got, and I wondered if Mitchell’s was immune to that sort of behavior.
After the bar emptied out, Buzz fed us like kings while the Delta Gamma girls bused their tables. Jake and Gracie stayed to hang out, too.
“Hey, Calon, Jake and I have a question for you.” Gracie looked across the booth at me and a huge smile spread across her face. She was so freaking adorable.
“Yeah?” I threw a couple fries in my mouth and sucked down half my glass of beer.
“Well, the question is really for all of you.”
“Yesssss, Gracie…” Bones dragged her name out like he was entertaining a beggar. “We will marry you. Sorry, Jake, it’s just the rock star thing. You can’t compete with that, ya know?” Bones shook his head, as though he felt bad for Jake.
“Thanks, Bones. But, as you recall, I’m already taken.” Gracie smiled.
“Shit! That’s right! Congratulations, by the way.” Bones fist bumped Jake across the table. “That Gracie, she’s a good one.” Bones winked at Gracie.
“Oh, I’m well aware of how good she is, Bones. Well aware.” Jake waggled his eyebrows at Gracie, and when his innuendo hit her, she gasped and blushed, which made us all laugh.
“So, anyway. You all know Jake and I are planning our wedding for August ninth, right?”
We all nodded, mouths filled with food.
“We were hoping you guys would play at our reception. Please?” She clasped her hands under her chin and batted her eyes.
“Well, you’ll have to talk to our manager. She does all the scheduling.” I put my arm around Becki and pulled her into my side. She laid her head on my shoulder. Poor thing, I knew she was beat and would rather have headed back to my apartment then make the night longer with a food fest.
“I think I could squeeze you in, Gracie.” Becki winked in a way that made me think their wedding was already penciled in on our schedule and the asking was just a formality.
“Have you guys picked all your songs? You know, your dance, the father-daughter dance, mother-son dance… all that?” Spider always needed details.
“We have. I’ll make sure Becki gives you guys the list. We are dancing to ‘Fallen’, of course.” She smiled and short flashbacks of all the things that tied her and Jake to that song scrolled through my mind. They’d really been through a lot, and I felt humbled to be a part of their story.
“Um. Excuse me, Calon. Would you mind posing for a couple pictures with some of your fans?” Charlotte smiled and popped her hip out to the side.
“Well…” I looked over at Becki who eyed her up and down.
“A couple of my sisters that were here for the fundraiser were hoping to meet you. It will only take a second.” She smiled sweetly.
I looked back at Becki, and she nodded with an ‘if you must’ grimace. Charlotte grabbed my hand and yanked me toward the bar.
“They’re in the back room.” Still holding my hand, she dragged me past the bar, and into the private party room just off the kitchen. But, no one was there. “Wait, where’d they go?”
“Charlotte, are you sure—” Before I knew what was happening, she shoved her hand down the front of my pants and pressed me up against the wall. I took her firmly by the wrist, probably a little too rough, but I felt sexually violated for the first time in my life, and pulled her hand out. “What the FUCK?”
“Look, I lied. I just wanted to get you alone so I could tell you that I would do anything… ANYTHING… to have just one night with you, Calon.”
“Charlotte, that’s… umm, nice… and… and thank you?” It came out like a question, which made me look like an idiot, but this girl was off her rocker. Who does that? “But, I’m very happy with my girlfriend Becki out there. Nothing’s going to happen between you and me. Ever.”
“Cocksucker!” She attempted to knee me in the balls, but I caught her leg before it made contact with Walter’s co-pilots. She grunted and stormed out of the room.
I leaned my head back against the wall and made the decision to tell Becki about Charlotte’s proposition long after we’d left Mitchell’s. She’d kill her. Really. Kill her. I gathered myself and headed back to our table as if nothing bizarre had happened.
I smiled and nodded to everyone like I’d just had a routine fan photo shoot. No one asked anything, a
nd Jake and Gracie’s wedding conversation continued. I looked around the bar, but didn’t see Charlotte. Not too long thereafter, our little reunion split up, and we all headed back to our places for the night. Becki collapsed into bed fully clothed, and I did an inventory of all she wore to decide if I needed to try to talk her into changing. She had on a white oversized vintage Pearl Jam t-shirt and black leggings, perfect for sleeping. I covered her up to her chin, refilled her cup of water she kept on the nightstand, and went outside to the small balcony off my bedroom to call Gracie.
“Calon? Everything okay?” Her voice was on the verge of panic.
“Yeah, G. Were you sleeping?”
“No. We just walked into the apartment. What’s up?”
“Hey. Please don’t scream when I ask you this, okay?”
“Um. Okay?” She giggled a little.
“I want… well, I need to… ugh. I don’t know how to say this without it making you scream.” I ran my fingers through my hair, bent over, and rested my elbow that held the phone on the railing and just went for it. I spoke quickly, because I knew I’d have to say it fast so I could move the phone away from my ear for when she screamed. She was gonna scream. “I bought a ring. I want to ask Becki to marry me, and I need your help.”
Yep, she screamed. I heard Jake questioning her in the background, and she just continued to squeal and giggle for what felt like an hour. We decided that we would talk about it later, or neither of us would get any sleep.
I took a quick shower then slid into bed behind Becki and dropped my arm over her. I pulled her close, and she made small noises that let me know she felt me there. She reached back for me, and her hand landed on my bare ass. She made another noise that was more of a growl than anything else.
“Promise me you’ll still be naked when I wake up in the morning?” She slurred her words, but I knew it was from sheer exhaustion, since she hadn’t had a drink since we found out about the baby.
Above the Noise Page 23
