On the other hand, there was a depth to Katharine that was not apparent to her family and friends. They saw the swan gliding on the pond. Could they have seen beneath the surface of her charmed exterior, they would have seen a battle raging. Not even to her sisters would she confide her torments. This was not a case for the “All Three” to solve together, even though it would eventually have a profound effect on every one of them. Katharine was wrestling with the existential question of how to give the most meaning to her life so as to give the greatest glory to God and to secure for herself the highest place in heaven. In short, she was a serious Christian searching for her vocation. She wanted to know what God wanted her to do with the rest of her life. Was she called to the married state to serve God as a wife and mother, as Emma Drexel had done before her? Was she to spend her life as a single woman dedicating herself to charity and friendship? Or was she called to the life of a religious to spend her years in cloistered prayer and meditation? She felt herself pulled one way and then another.
Keeping Spiritual Accounts and Early Religious Impulses
One of the earliest manifestations of her relationship with O’Connor was the commencement of a spiritual journal, which began in 1873 when Katharine was still only a young teenager. Under his guidance, Katharine’s budding spirituality was given direction and shape. Her spiritual journals helped her to focus her religious intentions and mark her progress, as well as her failures. Her journals are at times wise, amusing, and heartbreaking. Here is an excerpt of an entry written when she was just fourteen:
July 8, 1873
Vacations have now commenced and I now take resolution to say prayers, etc. for ¾ of an hour every day. First I will say the beads for Grandma Langstroth, then my Scapular prayers, Sacred Heart and cord of St. Joseph for a happy death and that I will make a good confession. Then a meditation and Fr. Faber, [read] five pages [of Fr. Faber’s Spiritual Conferences]. I will try to be patient and kind, overcome v[anity] and p[ride], etc., etc. My meditation today is on death. Every single thing we do is making death easier or harder. There are 3 kinds of preparation for death — 1. the entire series of life; 2. a conscious and intentional fashioning of our lives generally with a view to death; 3. the special preparation for death, viz. spiritual exercises, retreats, and penances which have death for their object.
REMEDIES OF SELF-DECEIT
Finding out one’s self-deceit.
1.Offering our actions to God.
2.Self-distrust.
3.Docility to our Director.
4.Meditation on the perfections of God, and reverence for God.
5.Simplicity.
6.Love of the Blessed Sacrament and our Guardian Angel.
7.Confidence in God.1
First, there is the determination to pray for three-quarters of an hour every day, though one wonders to what the “etc.” refers. It most likely takes the form of reading from the lives of saints, various religious tracts, or the Bible. Again there are those et ceteras following “I will try to be patient and kind, overcome v[anity] and p[ride].” It is clear that she wants to become a more virtuous person, but to what other vices might she be alluding? Later journal entries mention purity and sensuality, neither of which is surprising in an adolescent.
What is more striking in this particular entry is the subject of her meditation: death. This demonstrates a tremendous depth and maturity in a fourteen-year-old. She had already taken seriously the teaching that life is but a prelude to death, a liminal event to the eternal hereafter. Further, Katharine recognized that one of the greatest stumbling blocks to a good life, and thus a good death, is self-deceit. According to Catholic belief, the fallen nature of man makes it easy, in fact inevitable, for the individual to fall into sin, with self-deceit masking evil, clouding the intellect, and disordering the will. Additionally, she knew, even at fourteen, that she could not trust in herself alone. She needed to rely on someone with a wiser head than hers — her spiritual adviser; moreover, she needed to cleave to the Church and the sacraments. Fundamental were her faith and hope in God to bring her to himself. To this theme of faith and hope in God, she returned throughout life, both in her personal life and in her more public life as the founder of an order of sisters sent out to labor under very trying circumstances.
A few months after the previous entry into her spiritual journal, Katharine wrote the following:
Another year has again come ’round and I will renew my resolutions again for I am but little better than then in purity. I was much better in May than I am now because I suppose I have relied too much on myself. P[ride] and V[anity] is just the same, or a very little better or worse. In impatience, with God’s help I am a little better although I have not had the same occasion for sinning against it. During the year 1874, I am resolved:
1.To overcome pride and vanity
2.To speak French
3.Attention to Prayers
4.Attention to Studies
If God will help me, however, I intend and must do what Fr. O’Connor has told me to do . . .
1.Never to omit my morning prayers, but to devote 5-8 minutes in the Morning devotions in the prayer-book.
2.During the day and if prefer when clock strikes offer up all your
a.actions to God.
3.Make a meditation in “Following of Christ” or other book for about
a.10-15 minutes, or perhaps less time. Read a life of a saint or some
b.good book such as “Monks in the West” every three months.
c.Novels of day, etc., every once in a while.
4.Examine conscience thoroughly every day to see if the duties proposed have been fulfilled.
5.Take the advice of your Confessor for he has more responsibility than you, and believe what he tells you. Try to go to confession less as if you were going to execution. Try to go as a repentant child who is sorry for having offended a good Father, and joyful at receiving his pardon.2
Obviously, Katharine was honest in examining her conscience; whether she was overly scrupulous is another question. She realized, however, that her pride and vanity were getting in the way of her ability to rely on the constancy of God and the good advice of her elders. Bishop O’Connor’s advice struck a good balance for her. He wanted her to focus not so exclusively on religion, but to read a novel now and then. Because of her tendency to view herself in such a sinful light, she had come to dread the confessional. “Try to go to confession less as if you were going to execution. Try to go as a repentant child who is sorry for having offended a good Father, and [be] joyful at receiving his pardon.” O’Connor wanted her to be a good daughter of the Church, but here he is actually limiting her prayer time and discouraging the kind of scrupulosity that made her fear the confessional. “She often prayed to be delivered from the scruples and she begged grace ‘to confide in God, to conquer scruples and to be humble and kind.’ ”3 Yet, she failed time and again. Her one consolation seemed to be the Eucharist. “I wish very much at present to receive dear Jesus, for it has been so long since I have been to Holy Communion. But I am so awfully unworthy of this greatest of favors, sinning every second [sic] intend from today to try — please help me! Therefore [I shall] endeavor to be less selfish and to be kind.”4 Katharine, like most conscientious Christians, was constantly making resolutions. The liturgical calendar of the church year helps to create a rhythm of the occasions for making resolutions, calling the faithful to the examination of conscience, along with prayers and the creation of plans for personal improvement. This liturgical rhythm surrounds the sacraments of the Church. Thus for Lent of 1874, Katharine made the following resolutions:
Next Wednesday will be Lent and so to please God and mortify my flesh, I resolve:
1.Not to eat between meals
2.Not to take water between meals
3.Dinner, everything but once
4.No butter
, no fruit
5.To speak French
6.To give money to the poor5
She notes in September of 1876 that her spiritual adviser, not surprisingly, “has told me that my predominant passion is scrupulosity and a certain fear.”6 It is obviously a fine line for a spiritual adviser to walk in trying to foster nascent spirituality in a young person yet quashing an unhealthy scrupulosity. Katharine was an intelligent and strong-willed young woman. She relied on her confessor and spiritual adviser for the advice she found difficult to carry out.
Four years later she was still struggling with the same issues, though she was more precise in keeping track of her successes, which appear to be few, and her failures, which appear to be many.
Resolve that during this year to try to overcome:
Impatience
Attention to lessons
I, Katie, put these resolutions at the feet of Jesus, Mary and Joseph, hoping they will find acceptance. May Jesus, Mary and Joseph help me to bear much fruit in the ensuing year, 1878.
PrideVanity
Jan. — about sameJan. — Worse
April — little betterApril — same — not try again
May — Little Better by God’s HelpMay — bad — not try — overcome
June — slight relx from lastJune — I never try — overcome
July, Aug. Sept. — I think a relaxJuly, Aug. Sept. — Bad
November — relaxedNovember . . .
ImpatienceAttention to Study
Jan. — worseJan. — little, little better
April — little betterApril — bad
May — about the same as AprilMay — bad
June — betterJune — no better
July, Aug. Sept. — better perhapsJuly, Aug. Sept. a little,
Little Better
November "November . . .7
Here is a young woman in her nineteenth year who is keeping her own accounts, as she calls them, of her efforts to master her vices. But by her own estimation, she is in most cases “bad,” “no better,” and on occasion completely “overcome” in her attempt to improve herself. At her best she is only a “little better.” Pride and vanity are, as always, her main stumbling blocks. For Lent of that same year she made the following observation about herself: “Lent has commenced and still I am as bad as ever and perhaps worse. How is it ever possible that I could treat Him so badly after all He has done for me. I hope I will make a good Confession next Saturday and the Bread of Life will strengthen me against all evil. Is it not wonderful to think of that infinite love shown by Him to us miserable sinners.”8
In her struggle with her sins and in her failed resolutions, Katharine was the “Everyman” of Christendom. She was sincerely sorry for her sins and knew she must rely on God both to forgive her sins and to give her the grace to avoid further sin. Even when she found improvement, she rebuked herself for her pleasure and vanity in assessing her progress. Following Lent of 1878, she noted, “I am a little better but like a vain wretch I am proud of it. Should I not thank Jesus for helping me? . . . I hope I shall not relapse. May J[esus] M[ary] J[oseph] help me not to.”9 In the fashion of a saint, Katharine was willing to continue fighting the continuous battle with sin, even the sin of scrupulosity. She demonstrated in her spiritual notes a growing trust in God’s love and an understanding and appreciation for the Eucharist. As she matured chronologically, she also matured spiritually. Her schooling officially ended in 1878, and to her it seemed as if her future were “vague and uncertain.” Her classroom work was over, but her education continued, especially in the area of her spirituality.
In 1881, Katharine wrote of the importance of self-emptying: “Always try to approach the Holy Table with more and more love. Divest your heart of all love of the world and of yourself and then you will leave room for Jesus.”10 After this entry into her spiritual journal, she wrote, “Thank Our Lord for having redeemed your soul with His Most Precious Blood.” In self-emptying, in kenosis, one makes room for God to act, acknowledging one’s dependence on God rather than on oneself.11 Later that year, she acknowledged her dependence on God and her personal insignificance as she wrote her resolutions for 1882.
Oh Dear Little Infant Jesus, by your humble crib, I will make my resolutions for the coming year. In the presence of the Blessed Virgin, St. Joseph, my Guardian Angel, and St. Catherine, and in your presence, Infant Jesus, I here protest that of myself I can do nothing.
Do not think of self but of God in all things. To renounce self. By frequent offerings, by hastily stopping the least vain thought or thought of self.
No cake for 1882.
No preserves until June, 1882.
No grapes, No Honey until July 1st.12
Part of Katharine’s self-emptying was carried on throughout her life by denying herself the physical pleasures of filling herself up with the sweets and good foods that she had always enjoyed. This was a great sacrifice, because she loved good food. According to St. Francis de Sales, moderate fasting or abstinence is useful for “elevating our spirits, keeping the body in subjection, practicing virtue, and in gaining a greater reward in heaven, it is valuable for restraining gluttony and keeping our sensual appetites and body subject to the law of the spirit. Although we may not fast very much, yet the enemy has greater fear of us when he sees that we can fast.”13 Katharine, in her spiritual enthusiasm, would fall occasionally to immoderate fasting and abstinence, alarming her family, possibly harming her health, and causing Bishop O’Connor to limit her fasts and her self-proscribed foods. Later, when she was actively contemplating her vocation, she would ask for permission to “come down to convent rations,” but he would not, at first, consent, and when he did allow her so-called convent rations, it was within limits that he set.
The Beginning of Discernment
During Emma Bouvier Drexel’s illness and death Katharine turned more inward, relying on her spiritual strength. Her mother’s death in January 1883 rudely awakened within her a need to contemplate her own future. Her meditation on death as a fourteen-year-old, almost ten years before, was but an abstract exercise compared to the reality of it. During Emma’s illness, Katharine had teased her mother by telling her that if anything happened to Emma, she would enter a convent. Knowing that Emma’s preference was for her daughters to marry, this was but a gentle tease on Katharine’s part. Yet, there was truth concealed in the tease. She was beginning to consider seriously a religious vocation. With her mother’s passing, the charmed circle of the Drexel household was broken for the first time, and an uncertain future stretched before the bereaved daughters. Within a few months, Katharine sent her spiritual adviser the following letter.
Right Rev’d. & dear Father;
As you can readily see by the bulk of this letter I have availed myself of your extremely kind permission. In presenting “my papers” for your perusal I feel that I am imposing upon time that can ill be spared from important business. And yet, I would not confide these papers to any one else. I confess, I have come to no conclusion about my vocation in writing them; but I know that I cannot do better than submit everything to you whom God in His mercy has given me to lead me to Him & Heaven. — I hope the matter of my “papers” may prove intelligible; I fear it may not. I have made a novena to the Holy Ghost & have received the prayers of several very holy souls. After that I have tried to lay open my heart to you. But it is a difficult matter to know ourselves, & I trust I have not been self-deceived. — If my papers are all wrong, please tell me & in what way & I shall make as many attempts as you may require of me. If you were to tell me you thought that God called me to the married state, I should feel that a great weight were off of my mind & yet I should not in the least feel satisfied with the consequence of such a decision, namely, — a low place in Heaven. Does it not appear that my own corrupt nature leads me to the married state, & the Holy Ghost prompts me to choose the better part? — Again the religious life se
ems to me like a great, risky, speculation. If it succeeds I gain immense treasures, but if I fail I am ruined.
Please do not feel obliged, dear father, to answer me for months, if it is not convenient for you to do so soon. I am in no hurry for the response. I think it is clearly my vocation at present to remain an old maid. My reasons for desiring a speedy decision as to my vocation have now been removed. — The gentleman who was paying me attention had proposed, & I have refused the offered heart. I have every reason to believe that it was not a very ardent one. No one (not even my sisters) knows of this little affair except Papa, who gave me my free choice, saying he desired but my happiness.
If Lise & Louise knew that I am writing to you, they would certainly ask me to send their warmest remembrances. I hope we shall never forget what you were and are to us in our first great sorrow.
With a big apology for boring you with such a mass of egotistical matter, believe me entirely
Your unworthy child in Christ,
K. M. Drexel14
With this letter, Katharine is following the advice of her confessor in Philadelphia, Fr. Daniel McGoldrick, SJ, to apply the plan of St. Ignatius in trying to decide a course of action by making a list of reasons in favor of entering the religious life paralleled by a list of reasons opposed to the religious life. Katharine, never one to do things by halves, did the exercise twice, first with personal reasons for and against the religious life and then with personal reasons for and against the married life. She did not appear ever seriously to consider a calling to the single life, or she would have done the exercise a third time.
MY REASONS FOR ENTERING RELIGION
MY OBJECTIONS TO ENTERING RELIGION
1st. As Jesus Christ has given His life for me, it is but just that I should give Him mine. — Now in religion we offer ourselves to God in a direct manner, whereas in the married state natural motives prompt us to sacrifice self.
Mother Katharine Drexel Page 8
