'Tis The Season: Under the Christmas TreeMidnight ConfessionsBackward Glance

by Robyn Carr

* * *

  It was Wednesday. The brigade was seated in the front room when Leigh came in.

  “Mom, Mitch and Ty are in front of the TV in the loft. I want to run to the bookstore, but I won’t be gone long. Can you keep an eye on them?”

  “Sure,” Abby answered for her.

  “Yes,” Jess said, glaring at her friend. “Buttinsky,” she muttered.

  “Thanks,” Leigh said, fishing in her shoulder bag for her car keys. She went out the back door. When she got to the car, she realized she hadn’t remembered her checkbook and went back.

  “So I’m stuck with a stupid garden party when what I wanted was a wedding,” Jess was saying in the next room.

  “Well, at least you tried,” Abby consoled. “Do you have any idea what happened?”

  “Not a clue. One minute they seemed ready to steam themselves straight—I’ve never seen so many passionate glances between two people. The next thing I know—whoosh—John is gone and Leigh is depressed. Kids. They can’t even get a simple marriage right.”

  “The printer can add wedding to the invitations, can’t he?” Kate asked.

  “I think we’re past all that. I’m picking them up tomorrow, and the party’s in two weeks. But I could sure get on the phone.”

  “Well,” Peg said, “what if you fake a real heart attack and make Leigh’s marriage to John your dying wish?”

  “I feel guilty enough just faking a heart condition. Last time I had a physical the doctor asked me if I’d be an organ donor.” Jess sighed. “I’m thinking of coming clean about the whole thing.”

  “That won’t be necessary,” Leigh said. She stood just inside the kitchen doorway. “Oh, Mom, how could you be so sneaky?”

  “Leigh!” Jess had the good grace to slap a palm against her chest as though a coronary might be impending after all—but Leigh was unimpressed.

  “Shame on you, Mom. As if my problems aren’t tough enough.”

  “I was trying to help,” Jess said.

  “She was,” said Peg, ever so earnest. “She honestly was!”

  “Peg put her up to it,” Kate tattled.

  “Abby was the one who actually got the idea,” Peg confided.

  “Oh, stop it,” Leigh said. “You’re all giving new meaning to the term busybody.” She shook her head. “Shame on you all.”

  “Leigh,” Jess said. “I am sorry, darling. I’m ashamed of myself.”

  “What were you thinking of?”

  “I was thinking that you and John are perfect for each other, and I got a little...a little... ”

  “Carried away,” Peg said. “But it’s mostly my fault, Leigh. I egged her on.”

  “Me too,” said Abby.

  “I warned her from the start,” Kate said.

  “You should all be grounded,” Leigh said, exasperated. “No wonder he ran for his life.”

  “But why, Leigh?” Jess asked. “What happened?”

  “Oh, forget that! I’d be a fool to give you any encouragement at all! I’ll be out for a while longer. I want to take a little think-time. Watch the boys?”

  “Of course, Leigh,” Jess murmured. She just stared at the doorway until she could hear the sound of the car. Then she turned to her friends. “When I figure out which one of you talked me into this... ”

  Eight

  “Fishing,” Leigh mumbled, driving along a narrow, mountainous road. It just figured.

  She had gone to his nursery to ask where he was. There was no one there except a high-school girl whose only job it was to ring up sales. Then she drove to his house and found a note on the door. “Gone fishin’.” She thought that sort of thing had gone out with Tom Sawyer. Then she spotted a truck with John’s logo on the door. She followed it, and when it stopped she asked the driver if he had any idea where John usually fished. He gave her three possible locations.

  The first two, reasonably close, had proved futile. It just figured that John had to go deep into the woods, down a long unpaved road to a mountain stream. Leigh half remembered a place like this where she had come with John years ago.

  She might have remembered some of the details if she hadn’t been so busy building up a good head of steam. She was a little tired of this childish behavior. His and hers both. But she was a little tired of feeling guilty about not always doing the right thing. Couldn’t people occasionally make allowances for mistakes? When you told a person you were nearsighted they didn’t turn around later and point out something far away, then yell at you if you couldn’t see it.

  And furthermore, how many times was she supposed to say she was sorry? For everything? And how much time did he need before he realized how much courage she’d had to work up to come back here, to the scene of the crime, so to speak, to face him and tell him the truth about his sons, even thinking he was married? He never gave her any credit because he was always finding some fault with her.

  She rehearsed all those arguments right up to the point when she saw his truck in the clearing. Yes, this was a place she had come with him. And yes, he was fishing now as he had fished then. And perhaps he had been here for a while, because he had a tent set up and a campfire in front of it. Maybe it was his plan to just become a woodsy recluse until she got frustrated enough to leave.

  That was what had happened before when they couldn’t communicate, so in one insane moment they threw away all the good things they had shared. Oh, if she had told him then, just told him then, maybe...

  It made her cry to think about it. She hardly ever cried normally, but she had done more sniffling since coming back here than she had done in ten years. She jumped out of her car, heedless of the tears streaming down her cheeks, and walked toward him. He had turned and seen her drive in, but he observed her heated approach with apparent calm.

  She advanced on him, feeling anything but calm herself.

  “I don’t know what you want from me,” she said to him.

  He walked toward her. Very slowly. His lack of emotion only fueled hers.

  “Do you want me to beg? Is that it? I’m sorry. I messed everything up from the very beginning because I’m smart in some things and stupid in others. I never thought about protection because my husband and I did not make love. And I never thought about what would happen if I fell in love with someone because I never had fallen in love, even slightly... Not in twenty-seven years! I actually thought some people got love and some people got brains... I didn’t know love made people brainless! And I didn’t tell you about the babies because you had just gotten married and I thought you loved someone else. And then I didn’t tell you because I just plain didn’t know how. So what do you want from me, huh, John?”

  He stared at her during her tirade. No expression whatsoever.

  “Huh, John? What if they weren’t yours, but really my dead ex-husband’s kids? Wouldn’t it be pretty apparent that they’re crazy about you just the same? They are, you know. They ask when John’s coming, and I don’t know how to tell them that John’s mad because he just found out he’s their real, true daddy and he’s upset. But not about being a dad, I don’t think. About not being told sooner.”

  She gave a sniffly kind of gulp and wiped impatiently at her tears. He just watched her face, his arms hanging loose at his sides.

  “What more could I have done if I’d wanted to do things perfectly? I just wanted to come back to Durango, where you are, and somehow make it right with you. I never dreamed you would be divorced. I was prepared to find you happily married and the father of a bunch of little, tiny kids. I didn’t know if I’d be very good at working things out, but I knew it was right that you know about your sons.” Her tone changed. “They’re good boys, John. They’re sweet, honest, lovable, precious, smart little boys. I thought you’d be so proud of them.

  “I was so stunned to find you alone. I was
so surprised to find you still had some feelings for me. Honest. I had never given myself credit for being able to have that kind of impact on a man...especially a man I was wildly in love with. And then to see that you couldn’t help but have some feelings for them, too...well, I was beside myself with happiness. But I messed up one more thing by not telling you soon enough.”

  She gulped and hiccuped, then wiped her nose on her sleeve. She hadn’t cried like this in a long time. And there he stood, right smack in front of her, watching without saying anything.

  “I’m sorry,” she nearly shrieked. “Before, when I walked away and got on with my life and had them alone, it was because I didn’t know anything. And now I know some things. And if you think I’m going to let you have a temper tantrum and walk away from us just because you’re mad, you’re wrong! Because I think you love me, and I know I love you! So what do you want from me? Huh, John?”

  His movement was so fast that she gasped. He put his arms around her waist and pulled her to him, covering her mouth with his. He kissed her all over her sticky, teary face and held her so tightly that she could hardly breathe. But who needed to breathe?

  This isn’t likely to solve anything, Leigh thought abstractly. But then her thoughts faded completely, because the sensation of his lips, the taste of his mouth and the hard press of his body against hers made her deliriously, if briefly happy. She held him; he held her. Then it occurred to her. This was what he wanted.

  And so did she.

  After that long, emotional speech, Leigh could only say, “Oh, John...” Actually, she cried it, but she wouldn’t let go of him. She wouldn’t let go again. And neither would he, apparently. He lifted her into his arms and carried her to his tent. Inside was an open sleeping bag upon which they were soon tumbling, kissing, hugging, and Leigh was still crying.

  “Are we going to be able to figure this out?” She wept. “Ever?”

  “I didn’t come up here to figure it out, babe,” he said, kissing her neck, her wet eyes, her ears. “It only took me about two minutes to remember that I want you...and them. But I had to think about how to tell my folks that I have kids, that I’m going to marry their mother, that it was just a stupid misunderstanding by two stupid people...one of whom just happens to be the genius daughter of a prizewinning scientist.”

  A laugh bubbled through her tears.

  “No one would ever believe this. I may not be as smart as you are, but would you believe one of the reasons I was appointed head of the volunteer ski patrol is that I have this uncanny intuition and great common sense?”

  Again a laugh bubbled through. “I love you,” she said.

  “I know. And I love you. And even though I was pretty mad at first, and even though I wish you’d told me sooner, I’m really glad you brought the boys here. I want to be their dad.”

  That made her really cry. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t. You were pretty adamant about not wanting kids.”

  “That was just a guy thing. I don’t know where it comes from. Men are afraid that if they act like they even condone the idea of having children, they’ll be rushed into a Lamaze class. I’m sorry. I was beginning to worry that I might never have kids, to tell the truth.”

  “Oh!” she said, and slapped his arm.

  He kissed her hard.

  “You put me through all that and you wanted kids after all?” she asked him.

  “We’re going to have to adopt a new game plan, Leigh. No way we can make a marriage work if we can’t talk to each other. We’ve been keeping all these things secret. I was jealous of Max before...and afraid you thought I wasn’t smart enough to be in love with someone like you.”

  She smiled lamely. “And I was afraid you thought I was a weirdo. A freak.”

  He brushed her damp cheek with one knuckle. “You are weird. Are you going to marry me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are we going to consummate the engagement?”

  “If you tell me you just happened to bring along birth control on your fishing trip, I’m going to become suspicious.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Well, it’s too big a risk, then.”

  He looked down at her, grinning. “Even though you make some very good accidents, I think I’d like to plan the next batch.”

  Leigh sighed and embraced him. “I hope I’m not going to keep having them in batches,” she said very earnestly.

  * * *

  Although they really couldn’t tempt fate and take any more chances, they could lie in John’s tent all afternoon, kissing, hugging, touching, telling tender little secrets to each other, and laughing at how close they had come to losing each other again. If they laughed about it, they could keep from crying.

  It seemed to Leigh that the only time there was ever any confusion was when they were apart. Together, they did just fine. Apart, they started to rethink everything and realized how little sense it made for them to be wildly in love. She decided they had better get married and move in together before there was time for much more thinking.

  And for John, well, he hadn’t believed he would ever have a woman like Leigh love him this much. She was not only brilliant, but she was also kind, honest, good and loyal. She didn’t think he wasn’t living up to his potential. On the contrary, she told him she was proud of everything he did, his commitment to kids, to the community, to the environment.

  After a few hours of uninterrupted time to talk and touch and kiss, it was pretty clear that they were headed in the same direction this time. And that there was no point in waiting. So Leigh told him about Jess.

  “From what I overheard, she even made up her heart condition. She’s been plotting with the widows’ brigade to get us married. She was hoping that her garden party would end up being a wedding.”

  To her relief, John laughed. “It figures. She needs to be taught a lesson. If you’re sure her heart’s okay.”

  “I’m sure. Though it may be somewhat weakened if I’m away much longer. Thinking that you’ve been stuck with four-year-old twins could wreck an otherwise strong heart.”

  “I’m not sure that’s punishment enough. But,” he said, grinning, “it’s a pretty good start.”

  * * *

  John and Leigh took on the widows’ brigade. The four women took their tongue-lashing quite well, considering that not one of them would take the blame singularly. They busily blamed each other. And they unanimously swore they had only had everyone’s best interests at heart.

  “You two make such a wonderful couple,” Peg said. “And you seemed to need just a slight push.”

  “We only want our children settled and happy,” said Abby.

  “And in a family setting, not this significant-other stuff the young people are doing nowadays,” Kate said.

  “We’re sorry we interfered, but we did think you’d be happy together. Really,” Jess added.

  “But that’s not your place, is it?” John lectured. “It happens that you’re very lucky you didn’t do some real damage. You’re lucky because it turns out that Leigh and I like each other and plan to go on seeing each other. But when and if we decide to marry, it’s going to be our decision. Understand?”

  The four women nodded with choreographed precision.

  “And,” added Leigh, “especially since there are children involved, this isn’t going to be a snap courtship. John and I have done lots of talking about the kind of family life we have in mind as individuals. We’re not going to rush into anything with the boys’ futures at stake. We’re going to be sure our values are similar and our goals can mesh. We’re very different, you know. Understand?”

  Four nods.

  “From this point on, you are not to involve yourselves in any romantic notions that concern anyone other than yourselves.”

  Four sets of eyes rolled. As if any of t
hem wanted any kind of romantic notions. Ha.

  “And you will not make any plans for anyone else. If you’re curious about something, you will kindly ask the question and take the answer, which might be ‘none of your business.’ Understood?”

  “Yes, dear,” Jess said. “But before you get yourself all in a lather about this, it was all well meant. And if it had ended in a wedding, we would all have been thrilled. But since it’s not—so be it. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world.”

  “But you have to let me live my own life, make my own mistakes, my own plans for the future,” Leigh said. “I know I’ve needed your help before, Mom, but this time you went overboard.”

  “And now you’ll be lucky to get invited to the wedding, if there is one,” John warned. “You four are troublemakers. Are you going to behave?”

  Oh, they’d behave. They promised.

  When John and Leigh left them, he said, “I’d give anything to be a fly on the wall right now.”

  “They’re just going to blame each other,” Leigh predicted. “You think our plan is going to work?”

  “It’s fail-safe. Trust me.”

  And she did. Completely.

  Nine

  Jess mailed her garden party invitations without sulking. She and Leigh made up and spoke no more about interference; the widows’ brigade got to put in their two-cents’ worth about the party, and the yard was finished a week before the event. Leigh suggested having a string quartet play some music and chose the colors of the garlands and buffet table centerpieces. She visited the caterer with her mother and helped Jess pick out a lovely floral dress to wear.

  When Leigh was sure her mother had a handle on everything and could spare her, she requested some babysitting. She wanted to fly to Denver for a couple of days; she needed access to the University of Colorado library for some of her research, and Jess said she could keep the boys.

  “I’m a nervous wreck,” Leigh told John.

  “Me too. But it’s going to be okay. I don’t even think they’ll yell. My mother will be relieved, and my dad will be secretly very proud.”