“Declan-” I said, cutting Legend off from continuing his sentence. “Go play by the porch for a minute.” Once he was out of earshot I looked at Legend. “What is it you want from her?”
“I know what single moms go through. I’ve seen it first-hand. I want to help her, and have you seen her fucking body? She’s all lithe, supple muscle with a bouncy ass. Her tits could be bigger, but that ass is fucking fantastic. I want to see my handprint on it and have my cock buried in it. She’s too much work though. I should have let you call Roper, maybe he could break her in for me.”
The gasp took us both by surprise. I looked over to see outrage and hurt on Piper’s face. “Piper,” Legend and I both said at the same time.
“Go to hell, Legend. Titan, you can drive him there.” She stormed away from us and went back in the house, taking Declan in with her.
“Well, brother, you just sealed your fate with her. She’s never going to give you a chance to leave that handprint on her ass now.”
He acted indifferent and shrugged, “I’m going to the clubhouse, after I drop her car off at Vic’s Garage. I’m heading back to Arlington in the morning. Call me when you’re ready to put your plan in motion.”
“You sure you’re heading back to what you really want?”
He glanced at the house for the briefest of seconds. ”Yeah, man, I’m sure.”
Legend was just turning onto the road when the door behind me opened and Piper came onto the porch. “Where is he taking my car?”
“He needs to take it to the junkyard. Your car is a piece of shit,” I said, facing what was sure to be a storm head on. She needed a better car for her and for Declan. If she wouldn’t listen to reason, then it was going to be taken out of her hands.
“He has no right to take it anywhere.”
“No, but you are in a car without AC that had tape holding the radiator hose together. Let’s not even start on the noises and squeaks your car makes as it drives. You need a new car, Piper.”
“I can’t afford one. I spent every cent I had on that one when I left home.” Her voice dropped off, pain flashed in her eyes. Unlike McKenzie, Piper’s expressions were easily read right on her face. She might not talk about her past, but you could see the pain enough.
“You do realize that once you hired on at the restaurant and moved in with McKenzie, you not only got a job and a home but the club protection as well. We may not own the bar, but Phoenix is Grit’s ‘Old Lady’ now. Anything concerning her, concerns the club. McKenzie concerns her, you concern McKenzie.”
Piper had a look of disbelief on her face. She didn’t understand club life, but as long as she was connected to McKenzie and Phoenix, she was connected to the club. “Phoenix isn’t the only reason Ember is a club concern, though. Is she?”
“No. It’s not just because of Phoenix.”
She nodded. “Where is he really taking my car?”
“To the shop. You won’t let us help when we ask, so we decided it would be better to just fix it without asking.”
“I can’t pay for the repairs, Titan.”
“Dammit, Piper. Is my hand out demanding money for the fucking repairs? Have I asked you for a damn dime? Did Legend?”
Her shoulders sagged. “No, y’all didn’t, but I will pay you back every cent.”
“In that case it would be cheaper to buy a new damn car. Who taped your radiator hose?’
“I did. When Legend found Declan and I on the side of the road, it was because the radiator was leaking. After we left the restaurant that night, I carried Declan back to the car, put water in the radiator and wrapped the hose with tape.”
“Why?” She knew what I was asking. Why the hell did she carry Declan back out to the car? Legend said it was on the outskirts of town, she must have carried him for miles.
Her eyes had unshed tears in them and her voice shook when she answered. “Where else were we going to sleep?”
I watched from my window as Piper and Titan stood in the drive talking after Legend had left. They made a good match, both tall, both gorgeous beyond belief, and Titan was so good with her son. I had seen him playing cars with Declan earlier, and my heart squeezed at the sight. How I could want someone so bad and be so damn afraid of him at the same time was beyond me. Something was so messed up in my head.
Whatever Piper said to Titan shook him. His face softened and I watched as he pulled her into a hug and she crumbled in his arms. He could be the strength she needed. She could give him everything I could not. Once I healed, I would put my plan into place and seal the door that he was trying so hard to pry open. He would move on with Piper and Declan, and I would continue doing what I always did. Survive.
Later that night, as I was drifting off in my drug induced sleep, I felt the bed dip beside me. Titan was in bed with me again. Why it didn’t freak me out as it should have, I don’t know. Why his presence comforted me, I had no idea, but I wasn’t going to look any deeper to find out why he seemed to have the opposite effect of every other man.
Titan and I are all wrong for each other, I kept telling myself. Eventually, I fell into a deep sleep, my thoughts on my plans to drive him away, but my dreams had other images of Titan running through them.
The next morning, I went downstairs leaving Titan alone in my bed. It was weird. The thought that he was in my bed seemed so damn natural, it terrified me. I refused to look at the fact that I slept better than I had since before my mom died. Even living with Dotty, I was prone to nightmares. When I lived at the boarding school, I hardly slept at all, and when I did it was because I took sedatives that I got from one of the other students. The pills helped me fall into a deep enough sleep to where I didn’t dream and was able to get rest. Then, when I found out about the baby, there was no taking the pills after that.
The pain I felt every time I thought of the baby I gave up at birth was gut wrenching. It was like a piece of me was missing, but I did what I had to do then, and honestly, it was the best thing for her. I wasn’t sure I could look at her without thinking of how that she had been conceived and which monster impregnated me, but at the same time she was also part of me. It was crazy how at war I felt with myself. To get my mind off of her, I started breakfast. Cooking was my escape. Dotty taught me everything she knew in the kitchen. After I got my GED, I worked at the diner full time, learning everything I could.
When Dotty first approached me about going to culinary school, I said no. I knew I couldn’t afford it and, even then, I knew I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself. I tried to help Dotty by paying her rent, but she refused to take it. She kept at me though, and one day she came into the kitchen when I was playing around with a recipe I had found.
“You’re going to culinary school. I’m not taking no for an answer this time.”
“No, it’s too much.”
“It’s paid for, in full. Do me proud, Sweetie. I never had any children. Give me this part of parenthood.”
For the first time, I hugged Dotty. I cried because she looked at me like the daughter she never had and she was the closest thing I had to a family. When I pulled back from the hug, there were tears streaming from her eyes.
“Thank you, Dotty.” She cupped my cheek and wiped my tears away. “I will make you proud.”
“You already have, Sweetheart.”
“Good morning.” Anita walked into the kitchen and broke the emotional memory. She reminded me a lot of Dotty.
I cleared my throat, forcing the emotions and the longing away. “Good morning, Anita.”
“Jason still asleep?”
“Yes. Your son is stubborn as hell.”
She laughed. “Yes, he is.”
“It’s annoying.”
“And frustrating,” she responded with a smile. “Can I help with anything?”
“No, thank you, cooking relaxes me,” I said as I was moving about making breakfast. We made small talk over coffee and cooking. When the conversation starte
d to dwindle a bit, she took me by complete surprise.
“I told Jason to back off and let you find your way to him, but like you said earlier, he’s stubborn and wants what he wants. When you’re ready, he could make you happy. I’ve waited a long time to see my son fall for someone. He chose well.”
I turned my back to her and leaned on the counter. My hands supporting me and keeping me steady. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and swallowed hard around the lump in my throat and gathered my thoughts before I spoke. “Anita, your son and I won’t work. He needs to move on, and you should encourage him to do that as well.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve had to obey my mother.” I turned at his voice, laced with amusement and anger.
I nodded. “Yes, but you won’t listen to me, so I thought that maybe she could make you see reason.”
“Reason, really?” Sarcasm and definite anger dripped from his voice. “There is no reason behind you pushing me away, McKenzie.” He walked closer toward me, my back hit the counter. “You want to deny it, but I know you want me too. In fact, you hate that you want me because you don’t trust me. That shit will end soon, McKenzie.”
“No, Titan, it won’t end. That is what I’ve been trying to tell you all along. I will never be able to trust you, or anyone else. As much as I love Phoenix, I don’t fully trust her either.”
I didn’t notice that Grit and Phoenix had come in the back door. Fuck! My friend looked pained at my words, but dammit they were true. If she knew everything, she would hate me, too. That’s why I didn’t trust her with the truth.
“I’m going to the restaurant,” I said, giving up making breakfast and being around Titan and Anita. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Phoenix.
“You aren’t going alone,” Titan ground out.
“Watch me.” I slammed the door behind me. I got out of the driveway before I saw a bike driving behind me. He stayed back, but he was there.
A few minutes later, I pulled into the vacant restaurant parking lot. It was still early, but I expected that Hannah would be there soon. I ignored Titan pulling into the parking lot behind me and let myself into the restaurant. It was so different than what I had imagined for myself when I first started cooking. I looked at the black and chrome decor and the sleek modern lines. It was a far cry above the diner that had birthed my love of cooking, and more comforting and welcoming than the uppity restaurant and asshole I worked for before.
When Dotty passed away, it was like losing my mother all over again. I was left alone again, only this time she had given me the hope of survival. I now had a way to support myself and a degree that said I knew what I was doing. Truthfully, she taught me more than my instructors ever did. Dotty taught me that the kitchen was a place I could be in control, that nobody could take that control away from me, as long as it was my kitchen. She understood what I needed back then, even though I didn’t. I had to have that control. It’s how I coped. It’s still how I cope.
I made my way to my haven, the stainless steel gleaming in the lights. The smell of cleaner was still in the air from the previous night. Nothing was out of place. Everything was right where I would have kept it myself. I looked in the refrigerator and saw that it was organized and ready for the day. The freezer was stocked, ordered, and ready to go. When I came out of the freezer, I ran into a wall of pissed off, muscled man.
I backed up into the freezer a few steps just to put distance between us, but he followed. “You do realize there are two people out there that likely want you dead, right?”
“Titan, if they wanted me dead, they would have killed me a long time ago and saved me a lot of trouble.” The words popped out of my mouth before I could stop them, and the fury on his face at the message my words implied was evident.
“You better not mean what that sounded like.”
“Relax, Titan, I don’t have the guts to go through with it,” I said to him loudly, to myself I mumbled, “Trust me, I tried.”
Dotty was the only one that knew about my attempt at taking my own life. I scared her to death when she came home one day to find me with a bottle of pills in my hand. I just kept looking at them, knowing that it would make the nightmares end. I remember hearing her walk into the room, but I didn’t look at her. The red and blue pills in my hand held my attention. I saw her slowly reach out, her hand was shaking with trepidation, and she closed my hand around the pills and her hands closed around mine.
“Please,” she whispered softly. “Please don’t.” I looked up into her tear-filled eyes. The brown color looked almost black with sorrow and pain. It was the first time I ever let her or anyone else touch me since the attack. I simply nodded my head, relaxed my hand, and let the tears fall from my eyes as she removed the pills from my hand.
God, I missed Dotty.
“McKenzie,” Titan’s voice broke into my thoughts.
“What?” I barked back at him.
“Where the hell did you just go? I called your name three times.”
“Nowhere. Leave it alone.”
“Fuck no, I’m not. You just tell me you attempted to take your own life once and now you want me to just let it the fuck go…”
“Once, as in a long time ago. I’m still here, it didn’t happen. So, it doesn’t matter.”
He backed me up against the shelves in the freezer, he brought his face close to mine, our breaths mingled together visibly in little white puffs as our warm breaths mixed in the cold air.
“You think you didn’t have the guts to kill yourself, McKenzie?” he asked angrily. It was a rhetorical question because he went on speaking. “It’s not that you didn’t have the guts, honey. It’s that you had the guts to live and face all the hell that happened to you. So, stop avoiding it and talk to me.”
“No. I’m not going to talk about it. I’m not going to relive it, just so you can have all your answers.”
“Dammit, McKenzie, one of these days you may push me away, and I may just let you. Just be prepared for that if you keep this shit up. I don’t want to know what happened to you for me. I want to know because you need to get it out before it destroys you.”
“There is nothing left to destroy. I told you once, Titan, McKenzie is dead. You refuse to see that. You refuse to call me Ember. It’s your failure to realize it that is frustrating not only me but to you, too.” He was silent as he looked me over, I shivered at the cold air of the freezer, but I didn’t move to leave yet. For some reason, I felt like this moment was going to change everything. I didn’t know if it was in a good or bad way. All I knew was that this moment was going to define one or both of our lives.
I left McKenzie in the freezer, made my way to the bar and helped myself to a bottle of Jack. The fact that it was barely nine in the morning made no difference to me. I downed two shots in quick succession before I pulled out my phone to make my move. I couldn’t be around her. I couldn’t watch her. I couldn’t be anywhere near McKenzie without wanting the woman, but Ma was right. She needed to find her own way to me because trying to hold her close was just making her push further away.
Before I could get the hell away from her, I had to make sure someone was there to keep an eye out for her. I called Chink to get his ass here as quickly as he could, then took another shot, the heat of the amber liquid burned its way down my throat, but it may as well have been water for all I cared at the moment. I couldn’t see McKenzie, but I could hear her moving around in the kitchen. I put the bottle back and threw the shot glass in the dirty tub under the counter. I’d pay Phoenix for the shots I drank later.
It wasn’t long before I heard the roar of a motorcycle outside. I made my way to the front door and let Chink in. “You stay on her, brother. All day, every day, you stick to her. Text me when she goes to sleep at night and I will relieve you, but you don’t fucking leave her side.”
“You owe me for this shit.”
“Yeah, I do. You can collect later, plus I’m sure if you go in there,
McKenzie will feed you.” At the mention of food, he walked away toward the woman I craved, and I turned and walked out the door.
For the first time, I didn’t want to go back to the clubhouse. Instead, I went to see Linda.
“Titan, what a pleasant surprise.” Her voice was annoying. She purred and exaggerated her southern drawl. It didn’t make her more appealing as a person. She pushed her chest out, and I wondered what I had ever seen in this woman to visit her bed the few times I did.
“I’m not here for sex, Linda.” Her smile dimmed a little at my words.
“Alright then, what can I do for you? To you?” I ignored her comment and her hand on my arm.
“That small ranch on the outside of town. The one with the old Victorian-looking house. Is it still for sale?”
“Sure. I can show you that place, but it’s really a dump. I have some other homes that don’t need as much work if you’d like to look at those.”
“No, I just want to see the ranch.”
“Ok, I’ll get my purse.”
“Linda, just give me the damn key, I don’t want you to go with me. I can’t destroy what is already destroyed.” The words that McKenzie used for the herself earlier, I used for the house. My voice may have been overly harsh, but I didn’t give a fuck. She had been calling me on and off the last few weeks trying to get me to go out for ‘drinks’. I ignored her calls and her messages. I didn’t give a shit. When we hooked up, she knew where things stood. I never led her on to believe she was the only one I was sleeping with, and I sure as fuck never told her we would ever be more than a passing fling.
She handed me the keys without another word, but her eyes burned bright with anger. If she was mad, she had nobody to blame but herself. I never lied to her about anything. We were together a few weeks before I decided to go after McKenzie. Linda and I met up at The Coupe. It was the only other bar in Belle. Phoenix and McKenzie really had a great idea bringing their business to this area. Outside of the college, and a few mom and pop shops here and there, Belle was pretty dead, but had the potential for more. Most of the college students went to Beauford or drove up to Amarillo for entertainment. Now, they had an option of somewhere to go closer to home.
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