by Andrea Hurst
She watched him drum his fingers on the coffee table.
“What am I doing here? I’m trying to have a life, a clean life, a happy life with someone I really care about. I’m working in a kitchen where I feel challenged and appreciated. Not for what I look like, not for what money I can make for people, but because I make good food. Obviously, I want you to make a profit, Jude, but my life in San Francisco was a nightmare. Constantly struggling, trying to be the best, trying to compete, smiling in front of the camera. Do you have any idea what kind of hellish life I had with Peyton Chandler? The incessant paparazzi, adoring fans, and constant pressure. And the more successful I became, the more she accused me of competing with her. It was absolutely insane!
“She’d say to me, ‘Ryan, you’ve got to try harder, get seen, build your career.’ But the minute I did she felt threatened and would do anything to make me feel not good enough.”
“Did you love her?” Jude asked.
“I don’t know what I felt for her. It was several years ago, Jude. I was much younger. Yes, we were drinking, that was part of the scene. There were drugs everywhere. Did I try them? I did. Mostly I tried to stay away from them, but it was impossible when we traveled with that crowd.”
“What about the chef who died?”
All the blood drained from Ryan’s face. The vein in his forehead pounded. His eyes teared up.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I saw the article, and it said that you and Peyton and some of the other people were involved.”
“Andrew was my friend,” Ryan said. His voice was quivering. “We were close. We went to cooking school together. His charisma, talent, and drive brought him too much media coverage and too much success too fast. To deal with it all, he did more and more drugs.”
Ryan’s chest heaved. “That last night, Peyton drove me to Andrew’s grand opening party for his dream restaurant. She was so wired on something and relentless that I use this event to make connections and be seen with her.”
He looked at Jude. “I haven’t told anyone about this, Jude. And I hoped I would never have to.”
She wanted to hold him close and make the pain go away, but she knew it wouldn’t work. “It’s best to get it all out,” she said. His pain was palpable, but burying the truth would not serve either of them.
Ryan nodded a few times. He closed and reopened his eyes and then began. “I saw Andrew in the bathroom earlier in the evening, slurring his words and stumbling. When I tried to convince him to let me take him to a hospital, he laughed it off and brushed me away. I told Peyton about my concern and she said to forget it, he was just high. And to mind my own business. A good friend’s welfare is always my business. But that night, I did what I was told and let it go. My friend died right outside his restaurant, on opening night. I watched him seizing on the ground. I watched as people scrambled to flush drugs down the toilet and flee out of there and as far away from Andrew as possible.”
“Peyton grabbed me by the arm yelling, ‘Let’s go, let’s get out of here.’ All anyone cared about was being caught. All I could see was my friend lying dead on the sidewalk, and that I might have been able to help him if I’d insisted.”
Jude stood and moved over beside him. “That must have been horrible.”
“It was. I hope you never have to face that with someone you love.”
“I’ve had my own tragedies to go through, Ryan. I understand loss and self-recrimination.” She waited for him to say more, but he was silent. “Is that when you left San Francisco?”
“I knew I still loved cooking and feeding people. That was all I had left. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. Any feelings I had for Peyton died on that sidewalk with Andrew. I couldn’t get far enough away from Peyton Chandler. She couldn’t care less about me, and she married Todd Chase within a month. I later found out I was about the only one who didn’t know she’d been cheating on me the whole time with the actor.”
“That must have stung,” Jude said.
“Not a bit, actually. I was relieved she wouldn’t be coming after me. Peyton does not like to be the one left behind. Now that I think about it, probably this whole act with her coming on to me right now is about Todd Chase. It’s all over the media he’s off with some young actress from his latest movie. No one rejects Peyton Chandler.”
He could be right, Jude thought. It made sense, but could she trust her instincts right now? It was time for her overdue confession as well.
“Ryan, I don’t know what to say. There’s so much to think about. You have to understand that I haven’t told you everything either. We were both feeling things out, I guess.”
He squeezed her hand. “Might as well get it all out on the table.”
Jude took a moment to collect her thoughts. She owed him the whole story.
“You know my husband cheated on me, but not how I found out. I opened the local newspaper the morning after he came home so late, and there it was. There’d been a car accident and another woman was sitting in the passenger seat. What was not reported was that Mitchell had been very drunk and ran a young boy on a bicycle off the road with his car. Thank God the boy only suffered a broken leg. Everything about the accident got swept under the rug. His family had the money to bury anything.”
“I’m so sorry, Jude. It’s good you got away from him.”
“I almost didn’t. I confronted Mitchell about the accident after I found the police report in his desk. I told him I wanted a divorce. He said to keep my mouth shut and my nose out of it, if I wanted to keep my daughter. We eventually negotiated that if I filed an uncontested divorce, and I kept my promise to him and his well-to-do family to never reveal the incident, than he would allow me full custody of Lindsey and a decent divorce settlement.”
Jude waved her hand over the apartment. “How do you think I afforded this property and this cafe? His parents. That was part of our deal.”
So here we are, Ryan. Each of us running, each of us paying for our past. Where does that leave us? You know about me. I know about you. And we’re both a bit broken.”
“We can build the trust again,” Ryan said.
“I don’t know,” Jude said. “Trust is hard for me. I just need some time to take this all in.”
She was so exhausted she couldn’t even wrap her mind around their conversation. Her feelings were such a confusing mishmash that all she could think of was that she needed some space from him. “This might be a good time to take a break and let this all settle.”
“A break?” Ryan said.
“Just from our personal relationship to figure out what’s really there. We’ll keep working and do what we need to keep things running. We’ll just back it up a little bit. Slow it down.”
“If that’s what you want, Jude,” Ryan said.
She looked at him. It was the last thing she wanted, but she couldn’t risk being hurt anymore. “Yes Ryan, for now that is what I want.”
He stood. “Whatever you say, boss.”
“Ryan, don’t go like that.”
“Jude, you can’t have it both ways. I’m going to go to my room and get some much-needed sleep. I’ll see you in the café in the morning.”
She leaned back on the couch and watched him leave. Her mind wandered in a hundred directions. She couldn’t remember if she’d had dinner. The room spun around her, turning her stomach. She didn’t want to lose Ryan. Lose this last chance for love. But the pain of past betrayals ran deep. Before she risked her heart, she needed more time. Jude sleep-walked to the bedroom and crawled into bed. The constant exhaustion was overtaking her. Tomorrow she needed to go see the doctor and find out what was wrong. Maybe she was anemic again. She turned off the light and sank into the darkness of her dreams.
Chapter Fourteen
Jude woke, ran to the bathroom, and threw up. How could she go downstairs and act like nothing had happened the ni
ght before? Ryan would be in the kitchen with Lindsey, and here she was being sick and not even wanting to go down to her own café. She took a shower and got dressed. I’ll go over to Tea & Comfort before they open, she thought, to see if Kyla or Becca is there. Maybe one of them can give me some tea to calm down, something to help with these nerves and settle my stomach.
She slipped out the side door. Ugh. The movie people were already setting their equipment outside. She waved at Marco as he readied his coffee cart across the street. Luckily, she knew the back way. The sign on Kyla’s shop said Closed, but she could see light through the window and someone stirring inside. She went around to the back door and knocked. “Kyla, are you in there?” she said. The door opened and Becca, looking perky despite the early hour, greeted her.
“Hi, Jude, we haven’t opened yet. Can I help you with something?”
“I hope so. Do you mind if I come in? Is Kyla here?”
“No, she’s not coming in until late today.”
“Okay, well, maybe you could help.”
Jude walked into the lavender-scented paradise and strolled over to the counter.
“Tell me, what’s bothering you?” Becca asked. “You look a little pale.”
“It’s just been really stressful,” Jude said, “with the movie people and the constant scheduling.”
“Boy, do I know,” Becca said. “I’ve got to be here early, do twice what I’m used to, and some of the people aren’t so nice.”
“I understand they’re under a lot of pressure,” Jude said.
“Oh, that Peyton Chandler. She pokes her head in, looks around once, smells some of the cream, and walks out saying she doesn’t like lavender.”
Jude laughed.
“What a piece of work,” said Becca. “Well, what can I help you with?”
“I was wondering if you have some kind of relaxation tea, something I could drink to calm the nerves a little. I’ve lost my appetite, and this morning I even threw up from all the stress.”
“Are you sure it’s only from stress?”
“It doesn’t feel like the flu—no fever or anything.”
Becca was looking at her now very closely, “You know something, Jude? You look just like my sister when she was pregnant, and your symptoms sound identical.”
“Pregnant?” Jude took a step back.
Becca stared at her. “Is it out of the question?”
Oh no, it was certainly not out of the question, Jude thought. That wonderful weekend in Victoria with Ryan, how many weeks ago had that been? But she was almost forty years old. Pregnant? A wave of nausea surged through her. She grabbed at her stomach and ran. “Excuse me,” Jude said as she ran back towards the back bathroom and threw up again.
She rinsed out her mouth and looked in the mirror. There were dark circles under her eyes. The truth was staring back at her. “I’m pregnant,” she said to her reflection. It certainly was possible, but oh my God. What would she do now? What would Ryan say? What would Lindsey say? A baby, now? Jude could barely face herself in the mirror. She walked back into the shop. Becca looked at her with such a sweet expression that she almost burst out crying.
“I think maybe I’m right,” Becca said.
“You might be.” Jude took a deep breath.
“How about this,” Becca said, “before I give you any remedies, why don’t you do a pregnancy test and then we can talk to Kyla.”
“Oh poor Kyla. What will she say?” Jude thought about Lily who had just had her baby, and now if Jude was pregnant after Kyla had been trying so hard . . . Everything was such a mess.
Becca put her arm around Jude’s shoulder. “She’ll be happy for you. And so will everyone else. Now you go and get a pregnancy test, and let me know the results. We have lots of remedies for morning sickness.”
“Right, right,” Jude said. She was in total shock. “I guess I’ll go to the drug store and do the test after the lunch crowd today.”
“I’ll be right here, waiting to hear,” Becca said. “It would be kind of nice huh, little baby sister or brother for Lindsey?”
“I don’t know how Lindsey would react,” Jude said.
“Babies bring good luck,” Becca said, “you know that. Look what it’s done for Lily.”
“Right,” Jude said. But it hadn’t been that way with Jude’s first baby. All the bad luck she’d experienced with her husband, the accident, the divorce. Maybe this time it would be different. She was barely speaking to Ryan right now, so she wasn’t going to tell him yet. Not until she knew for certain that there was something to tell. “Please Becca, promise me you won’t tell anyone.”
Becca winked. “Don’t worry, my lips are sealed.”
Jude walked out the back door. She was so disoriented she almost slid down the top step. In the back courtyard she leaned against the sturdy pine tree bordering the driveway. Could this be true? It would explain everything—her moods, her super-sensitivity, being sick in the morning, not wanting to eat. She didn’t want to buy a pregnancy test here in town and get everyone talking. She’d have to drive up island and find one of those big box stores where no one would recognize her. She wasn’t sure she was ready to face the results. She pulled her cell phone out and called Ryan, “I’m going to be late getting back this morning,” she said.
He answered back, “Okay, I understand.”
No you don’t, she thought. “See you in about an hour.”
She clicked off the call and dropped the phone into her purse. She pulled out her keys and walked unsteadily back home to get her car. The drive went by in a blur. In the drugstore, she casually slipped the pregnancy test in with some supplies for the café, casually, so no one would notice, not at this busy place. Tonight, after everything was over for the day, she would take the test.
Ryan wondered why Jude was going to be late today again. Worry pitted in his stomach. She’d seemed so pale and not herself lately. Yesterday had been tense enough after their talk the night before. They’d spend the day passing each other politely as they worked, but barely saying a word otherwise. Now he had no idea where she was going.
“Morning,” Lindsey said. “The fog’s starting to lift out there. I could barely see the pier on my coffee run to Marco’s this morning.”
“Gets that way sometimes,” Ryan said. “By the way, your mom called and said she was going to be late getting in.”
Lindsey shrugged. “I guess we’re on our own this morning then.”
She started cutting vegetables for a shrimp stir-fry marked on the board for today’s menu. Her knife cuts were precise and even.
“You’re becoming quite a pro in the kitchen,” Ryan said.
She graced him with a smile and just for a moment he got a rare glimpse of vulnerability. It was nice to see one flash across her face and replace the perpetual pout. Ryan wished he could tell Lindsey just how hard Jude struggled to be a good mother, but Jude had sworn him to silence on anything she revealed during their conversations.
At least Lindsey was working at top level and staying put in the kitchen since their conversation the other day. “Are you here voluntarily?” he asked.
Lindsey laughed and held out her wrists. “Look, no handcuffs. And you’re a great instructor.” She wiped a wisp of hair from her brow. “Did you get the chapter on Pacific Northwest seafood written for the cookbook?”
“I’ve been working more on the marketing plan for the proposal. According to my James Beard award-winning cookbook friend, I need a platform, whatever that is. So, I had to dig up some old stuff, you know, put in some of the things I was known for, how long the book will be, and the number of people that come to the restaurant every year, plates served, etc. From that they figure how many books we can sell directly on the island. And the good news is, we only need two or three sample chapters.”
“Great,” she said. “Hey, I forgot,
I have some more food shots for you.” She wiped her hands and pulled her camera off the shelf. “Have a look.”
She turned the screen towards him.
Ryan flipped through the pictures. “A plate of paella glistened under the lights complemented by the bright lemon wedges and fresh green herbs. Another perfectly featured a summer special dessert, blueberry peach tart with a vanilla glaze. “These are impressive,” Ryan said. “That’s some of the best food photography I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen quite a bit.”
Now, Lindsey was beaming, “So am I hired? Do I get photo credit for the whole book?”
“Whoa,” Ryan said, “I’ll try, but from what I hear, publishers tend to pick their own photographer. And you’ll be back at school.”
“I could take time off for this project,” she said.
“Not sure how your mother would feel about that, but I’ll see what I can do. With your skills, this could be a career direction for you Lindsey.”
“I’d like it, I think. I could see being a food writer, taking pictures, working with chefs.”
“And you’re one fine cook, too.”
She gave him a mischievous grin. “Maybe I’ll even do my own cookbook some day.”
He wasn’t sure this was the same girl who’d been stomping about a few days ago. Whatever the reason, he was happy to see her enthusiasm.
The dining room door sprang open and Jude entered the kitchen. The exasperated look on her face kept Ryan from asking where she’d been.
“Everything okay back here?” Jude asked.
Lindsey nodded. “We’re doing great, but you don’t look so good.”
Jude just stood there staring at her daughter. “That’s not nice to say.”
“I didn’t mean it like that Mom, it’s just, you look tired. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine,” Jude said. “Just go on back to what you were doing.” She looked over to Ryan. The pregnancy scare had unnerved Jude, and she couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d been too hasty in suggesting a break. Maybe what they really needed was some time to heal together.
