“That night…the night when you came to my room at the club…were you really there for a bachelor party?” He looked away from me. “Fuck! Has any of this been real?”
“How can you ask me that after everything we’ve been through?”
“It seems a little convenient that you moved into my building, got me to trust you, showed up at my job, still wanted to be with me after you found out what I did… You already knew, didn’t you? You’ve known since the very beginning. I was your assignment, or at least part of it.”
“No.” He fell quiet for a moment while I stared him down and then added, “I swear.”
“I told you everything. I trusted you, and this whole time it was just an act!” I was attracting a crowd, but I didn’t give a shit.
“Come on, let’s go home and talk about this.”
“I’m not going home with a cop.” The word was sour on my tongue.
“Why are you so scared? Even if I was trying to take you down, which I’m not, what’s the worst that could happen for a first offense? Pay a fine, do some community service, check in with a probation officer once a month?”
“I’d lose everything.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic?”
“Oh, so you think they would still let me go to law school and be admitted to the Bar with a criminal record?”
“Why would I pretend to be with you for something as petty as solicitation?”
“I don’t know. It’s the first thing that has ever made sense about you wanting to be with me. Just tell me what you want from me. My entire life is on the line—”
“Is it so hard to believe that I just want you? That I’m in love with you?” he whispered.
“Yes.” No one had ever loved me, not really. I was a piece of trailer trash who grew up to be a dirty whore. No matter how hard I tried to make a better life for myself, I would never become more than what I already was. I was nothing. For the past few weeks, I’d fooled myself into believing that I could have it all. That I was actually worth something to someone. That I could do something important with my life.
“What can I do to prove it to you?”
“Nothing. There’s no reason you should want me and every reason you shouldn’t. If you really did love me, you would have told me the truth before now.”
“You’re not the only one with something to lose, you know.” He ran his fingers through his hair almost violently. “You know my parents don’t approve of my career choice. I’ve spent the past six months writing traffic tickets to scum like Jill. This was my first opportunity to get my name in front of the higher-ups; it was my first baby-step toward moving forward in my career. The only way I’ll ever be able to show my parents that I’m not a total fuck-up is to move up in the force and do something important.”
“Why didn’t you just arrest me? How do I know you aren’t still trying to get evidence or information?”
He looked both ways down the alley, to make sure the crowd I’d attracted had disbursed, and then spoke quietly. “If there is something shady going on at the club, we could certainly find someone else to arrest, or flip, or whatever else it is you think I’m after. This isn’t an organized crime investigation. It’s relatively small potatoes; just enough to get my name mentioned around the department.” He ran his fingers through his hair again. “The reason I didn’t tell you I was a cop when we first met is because I had just been given the assignment a few days before. Even though my part was small, since we were going undercover, I couldn’t talk to anyone about my job. They took a group of rookies and sent us in on a scouting mission. We were supposed to determine if there was potentially anything illegal going on there. In addition to prostitution, there was some Intel that led the brass to believe some of the clubs in the area launder money and sell drugs. Our job was to observe and report, nothing else. The club you work at was the fifth one we’d visited, and we went to three more after.” He paused to take a deep breath. “I also wasn’t completely honest about the guy who assaulted you in my apartment.”
“So, you’re saying you lied to me not even fifteen minutes ago?”
“Please, just hear me out,” he pleaded. “His name is Stavros. He did follow you home from the club, but not because you flirted with him. I recognized him as soon as I came into the room. He was the bouncer at one of CM’s other clubs I’d visited as part of the assignment. Turns out, his boss caught wind of the investigation and did some digging on me and my team. At some point, he must have seen us together and figured out who you are and where you work. That night, he sent Stavros to do his dirty work—to send me a message. Anyway, I knew the incident was related to the investigation, so I sent you away before you caught on.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I want—no I need—you to trust me. I was ordered to tell you it was a customer and nothing more. I’m risking so much right now, but I’d give up everything for you.”
I wanted to believe him so badly, but it made absolutely no sense. He was an officer of the law, and I was a whore. There was no reason he should want to be with me, no reason for him to love me. Self-preservation won out over fleeting visions of hearts and happy endings.
“I need to go home.”
“Please, promise me you’ll think about what I said. I’m not even on the case anymore; I’m back to catching drunk drivers in the middle of the night.” He was on my heels as I started down the sidewalk. “At least let me drive you back to your car.”
“No, I need to walk.”
“I’ll walk with you.”
“I need time.”
“How much time?”
Forever. “I don’t know if there is enough time to process something like this.”
“I’ll wait. No matter how long it takes, I’ll wait for you.”
“You don’t get it, do you? For the sake of argument, let’s say you aren’t out to get me.” I spun on him, stopping him in his tracks. “You still lied to me. You manipulated me to get what you wanted.”
“All I wanted was you. I didn’t want to lose you. It’s just my job. I’m still the same person.”
“That was my decision to make, not yours. You took away my right to choose who I was with; just like my parents did.”
“That isn’t fair, and you know it. I never forced you to do anything.”
“You conned me into sleeping with someone I couldn’t trust. You forced me to be with a fucking cop. God, I’m an idiot for not seeing it sooner.”
“I was going to tell you everything. I just needed to find the right time.”
“Time’s up.”
Chapter Eleven
‡
Lisa. I needed Lisa. She never got attached; never got hurt. She was tough as nails. She would’ve taken what happened with Carter in stride. She wouldn’t have stayed in bed for forty eight hours straight like a heartsick teenager. I had to find her.
After washing the days of despair from my body, I got dressed and headed to the one place I hoped I could erase Carter from my mind, at least for a little while.
“Hey, Bruce,” I said when I walked into his office.
“Hey, Lisa, glad you’re feeling better. We can use you on the floor tonight.” I’d called in sick two nights in a row, which was something I’d never done before.
“There’s something I want to ask you. I’ve been waiting tables for over a month. I want—I need—to go back to my old job. At least for one night. Please, I’ll give you part of my tips.”
“You don’t have to do that. I got a call from Tommy-boy the other night. Said he’s in town for a few days and asked me to call him if you were going to be available.”
“Perfect. Can I be in the show?”
“Sure. Go tell Shanna to trade with you for the night. Shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Thanks, Bruce. You don’t know how badly I need this.”
*
It had been a while since I’d twirled around the pole, but it all c
ame back to me the moment I stepped on stage. Even though I looked like her, I didn’t have to be Lisa to do this part of the job. This was something I’d always done for myself. My body belonged to me: not my parents and definitely not Carter. If I wanted to spin around in the air and hang upside down by my ankles butt naked, then that’s exactly what I would do.
When I was standing at the edge of the stage, working the clasp on my wisp of a bra, I made eye contact with the one man who’d never let me down. Granted, I’d never had any real expectations of him, but it was something I couldn’t say about anyone else. Thomas stood at my feet, looking up at me with those lustful brown eyes. Lisa was going to have fun with him tonight. I winked at him as my breasts fell free, and then leaned down close when he motioned me closer.
“I got every single one of your appointments tonight. I will make you come if it is the last thing I do.”
The bra dangling from my fingers slid down into his hands. “I hope you do.”
When I began to straighten up, he reached out to me but didn’t touch. “Don’t shower. I want to lick every drop of sweat from your body.” And I would let him.
I went directly from the stage to my usual room and found Tommy waiting for me, already naked. “I didn’t want to waste any time,” he explained. “And I don’t plan on finishing early—I intend to put every single minute I have with you to good use.”
“What happened to finding someone for a relationship? I didn’t expect to see you again.”
“You were right; it’s not something I can jump into. It might have just been phase.”
“Good. I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you tonight.” He was safe. I could let myself go with him.
“You really mean that, don’t you?”
“I always mean it.”
“No, this is different. What happened?”
“Well,” I said as I grabbed a condom from the shelf near the one-way mirror, “let’s just say I’ve had a shitty week and need to let off some steam.” I ripped open the packet with my teeth and made my way back to Tommy.
“I’m more than happy to help.” His dick twitched as I straddled his legs, sitting on his knees while I rolled the condom slowly down his length. While my hands were busy, I let my tongue trace the lines of the abstract tattoo that covered his right shoulder.
When I raised up to adjust my position on his lap, my breasts pushed up against his face. He tilted his head just right and captured my nipple in his teeth. Tommy was the only client I’d ever let use his mouth on me in any way. I didn’t trust anyone else.
“Can I do it tonight?” Thomas asked. He’d begged to go down on me almost every time we were together. I’d always refused; there were some boundaries even Lisa didn’t want crossed. But Lisa was in rare form tonight and couldn’t get enough of Thomas. It was go big or go home. And there wasn’t a fucking chance in hell I was going home.
“Yes,” I moaned as his finger rubbed against my clit.
“It’s about fucking time.”
Within seconds, we had switched places. Once I was settled on the chair, I spread my legs wide for him and he stepped between them.
“I’m going to make this so good for you,” he promised. He took my mouth in a fierce kiss, which was usually another off-limits activity, even for him, as he dropped to his knees in front of me. He didn’t waste any time before diving in. As soon as our lips parted, his tongue began to feast on my pussy. Complete sensation overload was the only way to describe it. Lisa didn’t know how to deal with such an intimate encounter. She was an expert at fucking; not getting teased and tormented by Thomas, who was definitely skilled in bestowing oral pleasure. It was too much. Lisa began to short circuit. “Stop,” I said as my palm pushed back against his forehead.
What the fuck had I been thinking? Lisa was merely a wall to hide behind, and she wasn’t strong enough not to buckle under the immense pressure I was putting on her. She may have been able to keep me sane for years, but she couldn’t cover up the gash in my soul that was continuously expanding.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking up at me from his position on the floor.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” I failed to keep a tear from dampening my cheek. “A lot has happened since the last time you were here. I’ll make sure you get your money back.” I’d give it to him out of my own pocket if I had to.
“Wait, I don’t want you to get in trouble.” Thomas took my hands and gently reversed our positions once more. “Just bounce on my lap for a few minutes. I’ll fake it and then no one will suspect anything.”
“Why would you do that for me?”
“Because I like you. I know we don’t really know each other, but I can tell you’re a good person. Madison wouldn’t be friends with you otherwise,” he said. I straddled his hips and rubbed my core against his hard-on; there was no reason he shouldn’t get at least a little something for his money. “We all go through hard times. You were there for Madison during hers, and I know she’ll be pissed as hell if she were to find out that I didn’t help you during yours.”
“Thank you,” I whispered close to his ear.
“Of course. Now, let’s get this show on the road.”
His bucked under me for a while and twisted his face into all sorts of crazy expressions. With everything that was weighing on me, he somehow found a way to make me laugh. “You know, you’d make an excellent porn star,” I said as he continued to writhe beneath me.
“I’ve heard that before,” he said without breaking character.
“I bet you have.”
Thirty seconds later, he stilled beneath me and then relaxed. It was the perfect come shot—just without the actual come.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Anytime.” He pulled me into a companionable hug for a few moments before letting me stand up. “Take care of yourself. I hope I never see you here again.”
“Same to you.” I gave him a sad smile and turned to leave. “Oh, Tommy…”
“Yeah?”
“She’s out there. You just have to keep your eyes open.”
“I will.”
It took close to an hour to wash Lisa off, and the life she was a part of went down the drain with her. I was done with this place; completely done. Even though I hadn’t quite met my goal, I’d find a way to do it. Maybe no one truly believed in me, but I wouldn’t give up on myself.
“Hey, Bruce,” I said as I walked into his office for the last time.
“Hey, Lisa.” The envelope he handed me was so thin I thought it might have been empty. “Here you go.”
I took it from him and tucked it in my bag without looking inside. “This is my last night.”
“I hate to see you go, but I had a feeling it was coming. You’re a good girl, and you deserve better than this life.”
“Will you mail my last check?”
“Sure thing, doll. I’m gonna miss you around here.”
“I’ll miss you, too.”
“Take care of yourself, all right? If you ever want to come back, don’t hesitate to call.”
“I will. Thank you for taking care of me for so many years. I’ll never forget it.”
With that, I left the building, feeling an odd mixture of sadness and relief that I would never be going back.
*
It had been raining non-stop for days. Not just sprinkles either. The massive thunder storms were so loud that a few car alarms went off from the vibrations. Mother Nature must have decided to collect with interest on the beautiful weather she’d given us back in April. I didn’t have a new job, and I didn’t have enough energy to do anything about it. My existence had become nothing more than alternating between watching TV on the couch and reading in bed.
It was a week to the day after I’d walked out on my job, before I finally decided it was time to get up off of my ass. Both Carter and Lisa were gone, but Alissa was still there. I could still make something out of myself. After cleaning up and finding my umbrella, I h
eaded in the direction I’d walked so many times before.
The trail through the park was muddy, but it wasn’t enough to keep me from my mission of applying for every job I could find along Main Street. When I neared the half-way point, I couldn’t help but notice the now-worn trail that lead to our—my—tree.
Without thinking about it, I followed the path I knew by heart until I was standing in the middle of the clearing. Memories of the time I’d spent there with Carter came rushing through my mind. I looked over to my tree, only to find that it too, was broken. The branch that had held my swing had snapped and was just barely hanging on by a few scraps of bark.
“I’m sorry,” I told my wooden friend. It was too far gone—we were too far gone, to be fixed. “I shouldn’t have weighed you down.” I walked away, wondering how long it would be before the piece of me that was barely hanging on broke off for good.
*
Even though I’d been moving in slow motion, I’d still been productive. After applying for twelve jobs, I spent several hours at the library studying a few basic law textbooks. If I was going to start school in a couple of months, I wanted to be as prepared as I could be. It was also a good distraction.
On my way home, I saw Carter going into our building, wearing a police uniform. Seeing it for the first time made it even more real than it had been before. I hated how good he looked in it. Thankfully he hadn’t seen me, so I hid around the corner, like a coward, for a few minutes to make sure I didn’t run into him.
When I decided it was safe, I walked as quickly and as quietly through the building as I could. Just as I was almost up the stairs leading away from his floor, he called out to me. “Alissa, wait. We need to talk.” I hadn’t heard his door open, but I did hear it close as he moved toward me.
Blue Colla Make Ya Holla Page 30
