by Ford, Linda;
“Is that what you wanted?” she asked.
“I’ve never regretted leaving. This country has become my home.”
She guessed he meant the country between Independence and Santa Fe.
“The others are going to California to start a new life. I’m thinking I might go with them.” A beat of silence. “Do you ever think about settling down?” Why had she asked such a question? She hoped he didn’t read more into it than simple curiosity. Told herself she wouldn’t either.
“I haven’t for some time but I have to confess that listening to their plans makes me remember my own dreams of long ago.”
“What did those dreams look like?”
His gaze came to her, filled with both hope and despair. “There was a time I wanted nothing more than a home of my own shared with a woman I loved and our children. Sadly, that time has passed.”
She couldn’t tear herself from his look. And had to resist asking him, What now? What is your dream now?
“What about you?” he asked. “What do your dreams look like?”
“That’s easy. I simply want someone whom I can trust to always want me. Someone who won’t change his mind when things get difficult.” She’d spoken without thinking. “At least, that’s the dream I once had.” She stared at the river.
“I’ve got a fish.”
He pulled out three in rapid succession.
Maxie laughed, bouncing up and down each time Buck caught a fish.
The excitement the two shared sent Sophia into gales of laughter that left her weak inside, but also feeling refreshed and cleansed.
And then her line tightened. She squealed. “Is it a fish?”
“Yes. Pull it out.”
“I don’t know how.”
Buck set Maxie on the ground and came to Sophia. He knelt behind her. “Just like this.” He guided her hands.
With his help, she landed her first fish and she laughed. But she couldn’t say if it was from the excitement of catching a fish or something more. Something she must deny.
He was staying on the Santa Fe Trail.
She was going to settle down and make a home for Maxie. California sounded better all the time.
“It’s time to go back,” Buck said.
She couldn’t say if he wanted to return because the afternoon had slipped away or if he wanted to end their time together. She wanted the latter.
And if her heart argued otherwise, why would she listen?
* * *
Buck carried the fish and Maxie. Sophia took the fishing rods as they made their way back to Niteesh and Tarek’s tent. He’d never wanted an afternoon to last forever like he did this one. Talking to Sophia with Maxie playing on his knee, and then having his arms around Sophia, breathing in the sweet scent of her and feeling her hair tickle his chin had filled him with such longings. His feelings for this woman alarmed him. He didn’t want to care again and yet he did. So fiercely he would have fought off wild animals with his bare hands to protect her. But he’d learned the folly of thinking he could protect anyone.
Something she said rang through his head. She was going to trust God. But she couldn’t trust a man. And she was right to be cautious about her trust. He was afraid he would fail her.
His thoughts still swirled when they arrived back at Niteesh and Tarek’s tent. The pair watched them with knowing eyes. If only they would believe him when he said Sophia was not his woman.
If only he didn’t wish it was possible.
He wanted to thump himself on his forehead at his wayward thoughts.
He presented his friends with the fish, left the fishing rods, and escorted Sophia back to the fort. At the gate he paused and spoke to the man standing guard.
“Any newcomers?”
“Nope.”
Good. That meant he could leave Sophia knowing she’d be safe. He handed Maxie to her. “I’ll be back later. If anyone comes, go to your room until I get back.”
“I’ll be fine. You go do what you have to do.” She smiled, though he wondered if it was a little forced. Perhaps she’d found the afternoon as unsettling as he.
“Until later.” He touched the brim of his hat and hurried away to do what he needed to do, except he couldn’t think what it was. With nothing else to occupy his time, he headed toward the wagons.
Gil, Warren, and Luke were there. Just like old times, but not for much longer. The way they bent their heads together and looked at a map, he knew they were planning their trip already.
They looked up at his approach and straightened.
“Any idea what day it is?” Gil asked.
With a start, Buck realized he didn’t. And he always kept track of the days. It was part of his job. He was failing in his responsibilities and he couldn’t even regret it. After all, everyone was safe at the fort. So what if he’d allowed himself to enjoy a few days in Sophia’s company? Despite his repeated warnings to guard his heart, he wouldn’t give back those few days.
“Can’t say as I do,” he answered.
“Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.” Warren looked like he expected Buck to know that.
“I suppose it is.” He checked the spokes on the nearest wheel.
Warren continued. “Polly expects us to celebrate so the ladies have planned a Christmas Eve meal for the wagon train folk.”
“That’s a nice idea.” He could see nothing wrong with the wheel and proceeded to check the canvas. Now would be a good time to mend any tears.
“That includes you.”
He slowly straightened and faced three men, men who had been his companions for several years. “I think this is a time for families.”
“Buck,” Luke said. “You are as much a part of our family as anyone else here. It wouldn’t be right for you not to be part of our celebration.”
The others nodded.
“Reverend and Mrs. Shepton will be joining us,” Luke added for good measure.
Warren spoke. “It pains me to think this is our last trip together. We’ve been talking. We’d like you to come with us to California. You can be our wagon master.”
California. Hadn’t Sophia said she might be going? What did that matter?
“I suppose I can come to the dinner.” It would get him away from the fort. He’d ask one of the men to keep an eye on Sophia if anyone new came. He would have asked Frenchie but the man had gone hunting with a friend.
Even as he made plans, he fought an inner battle. He wanted to be the one to take care of Sophia.
Luke, Warren, and Gil returned to fort, and their wives and children.
Buck stayed and ate with the teamsters. From where he sat he could see if any strangers entered the fort and ensure Sophia and Maxie’s safety, yet without being so close that he forgot about never again opening his heart to caring.
He slipped into the fort later, hoping Sophia would have gone to her room. He looked around, didn’t see her, and sat on the bench across the courtyard that faced her room. Was she okay? Had she wondered why he had not shown up after their outing? Would she be hurt by his absence?
Ahh. His stomach muscles clenched in reaction to the thought he might have hurt her.
But what choice did he have?
6
The next morning, Sophia rose from her bed, her whole body feeling heavy. Buck had made it clear that he didn’t feel any of the same things she had as they sat by the river. Not that she should be surprised. He knew, as did she, that their lives were headed in different directions.
She had to keep her emotions and dreams under control.
As she joined the others for breakfast, she told herself not to look around for Buck, but her gaze searched the room of its own accord. He wasn’t there. And hadn’t he promised to make sure she was safe? She knew better than to trust his word—any man’s word.
“Remember it’s Christmas Eve and we’ll be having a special dinner,” Mary Mae said.
Sophia didn’t know if that was an invitation or not. “I’m sure you’ll enjoy i
t.”
“But you’re coming too.” Mary Mae seemed shocked that Sophia would think otherwise.
“I don’t know that I should. I wasn’t part of the wagon train.”
“Nonsense. I insist.”
Sophia considered her options. It would help pass the time and even though Maxie was so young, she wanted him to enjoy the season. “Are we exchanging gifts?”
Mary Mae gave a merry chuckle. “According to Polly this is to celebrate Christ’s birth. Gifts are exchanged January sixth to commemorate the Three Magi’s visit.”
“Good, because I haven’t finished Maxie’s shirt. I better get at it.” She let Maxie join the other children at play in the square and sat in the sunshine working on the shirt.
Where was Buck? Had he gone to see Niteesh and Tarek? Or perhaps gone hunting? She thought of the bears and cougars, the men who wouldn’t hesitate to harm someone. Was he safe? Maybe he was as close as the wagons that he had guided from Independence.
Would he be at the dinner planned for tonight?
She jolted so hard she jabbed her finger and had to stop sewing until it quit bleeding. Somehow she must excuse herself from the gathering.
But when she spoke to Mary Mae her friend wouldn’t hear of it.
“You must come and celebrate with us. I remember the fun we had back in Santa Fe when our parents let us share meals. I’ve missed that. I’ve missed you.”
There seemed nothing Sophia could say after those words that wouldn’t hurt Mary Mae.
Later that day, still feeling caught between her friendship with Mary Mae and the tension she felt at wondering if Buck would be there, she followed her friends to the wagons circled outside the fort.
She glanced around and her breath whooshed out. Buck wasn’t there. She wouldn’t admit her relief was laced through and through with disappointment.
Polly hurried to greet them. “Welcome to our Christmas Eve celebration. Please, sit here.”
Sophia hadn’t realized that the young girl was to act as hostess. “What a nice touch,” she murmured to Mary Mae.
“Polly has the whole thing planned out. She even came up with the menu.”
They gathered on one side of the fire, the warmth welcome against the gathering cold of the afternoon.
Polly stood before them, quivering with excitement. She glanced to the side as someone approached.
Sophia’s heart jolted. Buck. He had come. She stifled her reaction.
He glanced about and saw her.
Maxie saw him and bounced his delight.
Buck chuckled and headed toward them. He sat beside Sophia and took Maxie.
She would have tried to hold her son back, but knew it would have precipitated a tantrum and she saw no point in disrupting the proceedings. She kept her attention on Polly as she spoke.
“Today we are going to celebrate Jesus’ birthday. Reverend.” She signaled Reverend Shepton forward.
Sophia did her best to concentrate on what the reverend said but kept getting distracted by the way Maxie played with Buck’s fingers. Buck had a strong hand. One that would hold little boys through the challenges of life.
She shook her head and forced her thoughts back to the preacher and was immediately caught up in his words describing the love God had for each of them to send His one and only Son. Her heart responded with love. It had to be enough. She must not continue to wish for a man to love her enough to be faithful and true.
The reverend finished and sat down.
Sophia closed her eyes and drank in the knowledge of God’s love.
Polly signaled Mary Mae and Donna Grace forward. They sang a beautiful duet.
“Now,” Polly said, “we will prepare the meal. Please wait while I take care of it.” Solemnly, she marched toward the closest wagon.
Several of the teamsters hurried forward and set out planks on sawhorses to create a table. Food simmered in pots and Dutch ovens and Polly supervised the teamsters lifting the pots to the table.
Buck leaned close to Sophia’s ear. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”
She tamped back the unwelcome feeling his words brought. “Would you have stayed away if you’d known I’d be here?” She shifted so she could watch his eyes. Her mouth grew dry as she saw the longing and wanting in them. And then shutters went up and he revealed nothing.
“I promised to protect you. It’s easiest if we’re in the same vicinity.”
“Of course.” Why would she think anything else? And why would she wish for something more?
Thankfully Polly interrupted her mental wrangling. “I would like my new papa, Warren, to ask the blessing.”
Warren stood, hugged Polly, and prayed.
Sophia’s silent prayer contained more than gratitude for the food. Please, God, help me be sensible. Help me guard my heart and remember You are the only One whose love I can trust.
She was on her feet as soon as the Amen was spoken. But she couldn’t escape Buck. He carried her son and she must see that the child got fed. They followed the others to the table.
“This is quite a buffet,” Buck said.
“I wanted to remember Christmas in Mexico,” Polly said, indicating the tamales and other Mexican dishes. “But I also wanted to remember what it was like back in Missouri.” She pointed out the roast venison. “I couldn’t find a goose though.”
“It’s lovely,” Sophia said, a comment echoed by the others. She filled a plate with enough for both herself and Maxie as Buck waited with her son.
“I’ll take him and feed him.” Buck set Maxie on the ground and she led him away. They sat facing each other as she gave him food and enjoyed the feast as well.
Buck filled his plate and joined her, sitting cross-legged beside her. “I didn’t mean I’m not glad to see you.”
She looked about, wishing she had chosen a spot closer to the others, and then realized each family had created a little circle of their own. Any of them would surely have welcomed her but she didn’t want to intrude. She tried to think how to respond to Buck’s words. Before she could, he spoke again.
“I’m considering going to California with the others.” His news sent a thrill through her that she quickly quenched. His reasons had nothing to do with her.
“You’re thinking of settling down?” She held her breath, waiting for his answer.
“I’ve always wanted some land of my own.”
And a home and family, if she remembered correctly, and knew she did. Would he find someone to love in California?
Neither of them spoke. She couldn’t say his reasons for the silence, but the words she wished to say must be kept in her heart. She wanted a home and family too. Most of all she wanted a man who would always return to her with open arms.
He took their empty plates back to the table where the teamsters washed dishes.
When Buck returned, Sophia said, “How did Polly convince those men to be her servants?”
“Everyone is fond of her. And they feel sorry for her. She lost her parents and then her uncle.”
“I know. It amazes me how cheerful she is despite it all.”
Polly got to her feet and called for their attention. “I want to thank everyone for making this the best Christmas ever. And it’s not over.” She laughed. “My uncle Sam promised me a special Christmas. He isn’t here now.” Her words choked off. “But I have a new mama and papa and all these uncles and aunts.” She swept her arm to include everyone. “I haven’t had such a good Christmas since my first mama and papa were alive.”
Sophia knew she wasn’t the only one to wipe away a tear.
“Thank you.” Polly sat down, and was hugged by Mary Mae and Warren.
The night deepened and the darkness provided Sophia a sense of being alone with Buck, though the flames of the fire revealed the others who seemed to be enjoying quiet time with their family.
Sophia told herself she had no reason to feel alone.
“What was your best Christmas?” Buck asked.
&n
bsp; She gave a mirthless chuckle. “Christmas wasn’t much different than any other day for us. Mama had to prepare meals for the boarders. About the only thing different was Mama always made a steamed pudding for just the two of us.”
Maxie began to nod and she settled him on a blanket by her side and he fell asleep.
“You didn’t have a special time with Maximillian?” Buck asked.
She gave a sound of mockery. “I dreaded any special holidays. He grew morose because he couldn’t celebrate with his family. He drank more. I lived in fear of what he would do.”
He found her hand and squeezed it. “I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know, but I’m sorry you endured that. That you weren’t treated with the kindness and respect you deserve.”
His words were like sweet nectar to her wounded soul. Her throat tightened and for a moment she couldn’t speak. When she could, she asked, “What Christmas do you remember the fondest?”
He didn’t speak for a moment. “I haven’t given Christmas much thought for a long time. My parents didn’t do anything special, but the Christmas before Edie and I were to be married, she told me how her family celebrated. They shared fond memories of the past year, made funny little cards for each other, and played games Christmas day. She said we would do the same. That would have been my best Christmas only it never happened.”
Her heart cracked with sorrow for him and pushing aside every word of warning, she wrapped an arm about his waist and pressed her head to his shoulder. “There will be lots of Christmases ahead when you can do all the things you dreamed of.”
He pulled her close. “Seems like this is a good start.”
“Polly’s Christmas Eve meal?” She asked it in sincerity, but hoped he would have more in mind.
“Polly did a good job, but sharing these few days with you and Maxie are what’s made the difference.”
She tightened her arm around him. Could she ask for a better Christmas gift than to be given this affirmation? Her greedy heart indeed wished for more but knowing the dangers of remaining in a hug with those dreams and wishes, she eased away.
