by Lulu Pratt
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I’m going to bed, in the guest room. Away from you,” she snorted, before stomping down the hall and out of sight.
I groaned and leaned against the counter, running my hands through my hair. I looked down at the phone where Evelyn was still sitting, absolutely silent. I walked over and leaned in.
“There’s your drama. I hope you’re happy. Nobody else is.”
I hit the button and hung up the phone, turning away from the camera and heading to bed.
CHAPTER 20
Mira
Two days after our big fight, I was still sleeping in the guest room and all this time we had barely said two words to each other. I had gone to the hospital on my own, and Ryan was nowhere in sight when I left. My heart hurt, and I found myself lying in bed at night missing having him close to me. The whole situation was just so frustrating. Things had been going so well and Evelyn’s request just changed everything in an instant.
I took a deep breath before I entered my mom’s hospital room, and smiled as I walked in. She waved at me, finishing a vitals check with the nurse. She was originally scheduled to be transferred to hospice, but since the surgery was just a couple of days away, they had kept her in place. She would be undergoing her last couple of dialysis treatments and getting prepped for the upcoming procedure. It was still on as far as I knew, and there hadn’t been any kind of word that Ryan had canceled.
Sitting down in the chair, I looked around the room at the flowers and cards my mother’s friends had sent her. In the corner was a large vase of tulips that I hadn’t seen yet. I stood up and hung my cardigan over the back of the chair and walked over to them, not finding a card.
“They’re from Ryan,” my mother said from behind me. “They were delivered yesterday after you left. He just wished me well in the card, nothing special. I assumed he would have told you.”
“If he was actually speaking to me,” I said, turning back around, my eyes burning with tears again. “We got an argument about feelings and we haven’t spoken to each other in days. He is the most stubborn man I have ever met.”
“Awe, honey,” my mother said, nodding at the nurse who smiled and walked out of the room.
I walked over to the bed and climbed in with her, putting my head on her chest and wrapping my arms around her waist. I had done that when I was a child, whenever I was scared or sorry, and I still did it as an adult. She knew how to calm me down, and sometimes all it took was a stroke of her hand through my hair.
“Do you think he’ll back out of the surgery now?” she asked.
“God, I don’t know,” I said, breaking down into tears. “I’m so sorry, Mom, this is all my fault. I should have just let things go, not pushed them, but you know me, I don’t like vague answers. We were both asked a question about our feelings, and he just refused to answer. I got irritated by it, then we started arguing and I should have just let it go for now. I should have just waited until after the surgery to talk to him about it. I got so angry with him, though. He really knows how to push my buttons. I’m so sorry, Mom, I didn’t think it through. Everything was fine and then he, I — oh I just might have ruined your chance and—”
“Shh,” she said, rubbing my head. “You didn’t ruin anything. If he decides to back out, that is on him, and it’s his choice. He has complete control over the decisions that he makes. That fight shouldn’t be enough to make him do that, but if it does, then so be it. He is the one who will have to make peace with that choice every day.”
“I want to shake him until his damn eyeballs rattle sometimes,” I said, wiping my nose. “He just is so frustrating.”
“What man isn’t frustrating,” she laughed. “Welcome to married life, where you want to kill your happily ever after with a hammer. It comes and goes, that’s for sure, but there are definitely times you want to kick their butts.”
“It’s partly my fault too,” I said, sitting up and wiping my eyes. “I mean, I’m all over the place on my feelings about this relationship, too. I am starting to have second thoughts about this marriage, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t. It’s like a freaking roller coaster with us. One minute we are getting along like two people out of a fairy tale, and then the next minute we’re fighting like rivals on the street. We were asked a very simple question, and he just refused to tell me how he really feels about me.”
“Did you tell him how you feel?” my mother asked.
“Well — no,” I said. “Things escalated before I could.”
“Why didn’t you tell him first?” she asked. “Maybe seeing you open up and be strong and honest would help him come forward about his feelings, too. Maybe he is embarrassed or afraid.”
“Or maybe he doesn’t have feelings for me,” I said.
“I see,” my mother smiled. “So, the real reason you didn’t come forward first was because you were afraid that he was going to reject you.”
“Maybe,” I grumped. “Why do you always have to be so right? I was enjoying being angry at him. I think I still can be, he just won’t open up to me in the least but expects me to be an open book. It’s confusing and scary.”
“So, what was the question that was asked?”
“If we love each other,” I mumbled.
“And do you?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “I thought I was starting to know, but then everything happened, and it just turned me off to actually thinking about it. I am scared, but that doesn’t mean I am not open to discussing my feelings. Ryan is completely closed to the idea and seems to forget that we are in fact part of a show that we agreed to be open and transparent on. Hell, we should be open and transparent anyway, we are married for God’s sake. It shouldn’t be me pulling things out of him.”
“Well, honey, marriage can be very complicated, even more so than dating,” she said. “All the young people think they can get married and all the stress and worry will just vanquish. In reality, though, that is far from what really happens. Sure, dating pressure goes away, but then you open yourself up to a whole new level of stress. Marriages are going to have their ups and downs.”
“I just don’t even know if you can think of us as a real marriage,” I sighed.
“I do,” my mother said. “I see how you are together, and you are more of a couple in my eyes than many of the other couples I know. I just really hope that he will come around and start communicating with you, because I love you and I love my new son-in-law. Beyond the transplant, I want to see you happy and settled, and to be honest with you, I have never seen you so content then what you are when you are with Ryan. I can see that love in your eyes, even if you don’t want to admit it. Sometimes though it takes big things in life to make you realize that, and I don’t want either of you to wait too long to see it.”
“I’m too afraid to let this out,” I sighed. “I’m too afraid for him to turn back into that guy he was when Miles was here, the one who put him above me. The one who told me to just get over it without an explanation or anything. I don’t want to stare that man in the face as he tells me he never loved me, and he never will.”
“You don’t know that will happen,” my mother smiled. “And if you don’t find out, then you will always regret not asking. You will always wonder what things could have been like. Trust me, I’ve lived with questions like that about your father since you were born and that is not something you want following you around. At the same time though, you know you still have the ability to walk away from this. You can leave at any time, collect your money and move on with your life.”
“I know,” I sighed. “I just don’t think I could do that, not yet. I know, no matter how cold and closed off he gets, there is something in him that cares about me. If I just left, screwed him out of the money, and didn’t say goodbye, he would be very hurt by that. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, because beyond the stubbornness, he has been there for me when I needed someone the most. He was there before I even kne
w I was going to need someone.”
“That doesn’t sound like a man who has no feelings,” my mother smiled.
“No, it doesn’t, but he has surprised me before and I really hope he wouldn’t do it again,” I said. “He doesn’t seem like the kind of man who would ever do something deliberately to hurt someone, but if he really doesn’t have feelings for me, there is nothing stopping him from doing that same exact thing to me. I would hope that he wouldn’t be so selfish as to leave me, but with the change in mood I see in him almost every few weeks now, I’m just not certain.”
“I think that the part of him leaving that scares you the most has nothing to do with the money,” she pointed out. “I think somewhere in there you’re afraid he will leave you with a broken heart and no way to mend it. I think you love him, and that is the scariest thing out of all of this. That’s what is driving every emotion you have.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t know about all that, Buddha,” I smiled, climbing out of the bed. “But I know that things will have to change for us to make it the next three months. I just hope you get that kidney you need so that no matter what happens, you are by my side for all of it.”
“I love you, baby girl,” my mom said, kissing my cheek.
“I love you too, Momma,” I said. “Now, you need to get some rest, take some medicine, and don’t give the nurses too much hell.”
“I make no promises in that regard,” she chuckled.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Yes ma’am,” she said.
I picked up my bag and waved to her as I left the room, walking down the quiet hall of the hospital thinking about all we had said. There was a ball in the pit of my stomach, something telling me that things weren’t quite right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe my mother was right, maybe I was scared to be heartbroken, but that didn’t mean I should just fall to his feet and hope for the best. He had to meet me halfway, he had to be a partner in the marriage, especially if he saw it going anywhere after our six months were up.
I made it to the car and headed back to the house, stopping at the gate to enter the code. When I pulled up, most of the lights in the house were off, but I figured Ryan was just relaxing in the living room or something.
Inside the house though, there wasn’t a sound, and I checked the kitchen and the living room for him. When I didn’t see him there I headed upstairs to the bedroom to see if maybe we could talk. That would be better than continuing to be angry at each other.
When I walked into the room though, I froze, staring around at the still made bed, the empty laundry hamper and a couple of his drawers hanging open with nothing inside. He was gone. He had left me, and he had done it without even a word.
CHAPTER 21
Ryan
I walked over to the window and looked out over the Los Angeles cityscape. There were cars and taxis moving along the roads and tourists wandering the streets. There were crowds of people taking tours of the famous LA places, and the sun was midway in the sky, getting ready to start its descent. I was staying at the hotel that I had first checked into when I had got to LA three months before. It felt strange being out there, alone, unbothered, no cameras or mics in my face. I had spent so much time in that mansion that the real world seemed almost overwhelming to me.
My mind shifted back and forth between the show and Mira. I stood there just thinking, like I had been since the night before when I checked in, trying to figure out the mess that was in my brain. It was confusing with Mira, it felt right most of the time, but it was complicated. Despite the fact that things had become really good between us, we still didn’t know that much about each other. We knew what we saw in the mansion, what we wanted to portray to the camera. We knew the two people caught up in lust, but we really didn’t know what each other was like out there in the real world. That made all my thoughts so confusing, all my feelings almost outrageous, and as simple as it should have been to just let it all go, there I was fighting myself about it, in the fancy hotel room. I had never been that caught up with or that confused over a woman before in my life, and I didn’t like it at all.
After that argument with Mira, and her storming off to the guest room, I went back to my room and just sat there. I was only trying to protect our privacy. The discussion about our true feelings — the only thing real about the whole situation — seemed more sacred than that. But she didn’t hang around to resolve the issue and bailed. Again. If she couldn’t look me in the face and just talk to me, then how were we supposed to make it together at all? I just wasn’t sure that I could continue to be married, to her or anyone. It seemed like a lie, a farce, and we had not only tricked the public into believing it was real, but, for a time, me as well.
I sighed and dropped my hands to my sides, walking over to the sitting area and plopping down on the couch. The truth was that I wasn’t sure about anything, so I had come to the hotel to take a break. This didn’t affect the contract at all, because technically I never actually decided or said that I wanted a divorce, which was the way to end the show. I just needed time to think things through, to get a grasp on my feelings and emotions without being submerged in them. It was hard enough trying to decipher how I felt, much less do it in a place where there was pressure from everyone around me — including Evelyn and Mira.
It bothered me that Mira was pressuring me to answer, and it wasn’t necessarily that I didn’t know how I felt, it was more the privacy aspect than anything. But then she wouldn’t take no for an answer and there hadn’t been an admission of feelings on her side either. It was a stupid fight, but it was a fight nonetheless, and it had forced me to pull myself out of the situation for a minute because, honestly, I felt like I was drowning. I didn’t want to make the wrong choice and ruin everything, but I also didn’t want to make the wrong choice and hurt her.
I’d received a call from the hospital putting the surgery off for one week, which was fine with me, I had no time limitations on it. I was fully planning on still donating my kidney to Carolyn. That had nothing to do with my feelings for Mira at this point, and everything to do with what was right in that situation. The woman would die without it and I couldn’t sit by knowing I had the power to help and just watch that happen. I had watched my own mother die, and there was nothing anyone could do to help her. There was something that could be done for Carolyn and I had committed to stand up and do it, and I would.
I was sure Mira was probably worried about it, as I hadn’t specifically told her that I was still planning on going through with the transplant. I just didn’t know how to talk to her anymore, and I didn’t think I could take another camera in my face at that moment — especially when it came to talking about something that personal and that important. I didn’t want the conversation to get switched over to the fight, and I wasn’t ready to go into full details about how I felt. I sighed, looking up when I heard a knock at the door. I had no idea who it could be, only Evelyn knew where I’d gone, and she had promised not to tell Mira. I walked over to the door and opened it, very surprised to see Miles staring back at me.
“Surprise,” he laughed, putting out his arms. “Never fear, your best friend is here.”
“Uh, hey,” I said, stepping to the side. “I had no idea you were coming.”
“I know,” he chuckled, putting down his bag. “That’s kinda why I said the whole ‘surprise’ thing.”
“Funny. Yeah, I got that part,” I replied. “I mean, what are you doing here?”
“I came to support you through whatever crisis you seem to be having over here,” he said. “You look like hell, bro, but this hotel is top notch, I have to say. I think they put me two doors down, but I came straight to your room.”
As much as I loved my best friend, I knew that this wouldn’t do anything but make things even harder between Mira and myself. This was going to hurt the volatile relationship we already struggled with. But what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t tell him to go home, he was my best frien
d, and I knew Evelyn was behind the whole damn thing. She had no real idea what was going on between Mira and me, she just thought it was normal TV ratings drama. Little did she know the emotions were real, and she had just added a force to it that would only make everything even more unstable and potentially even explosive.
“Your producer Evelyn called me,” Miles said, sitting down in the chair and crossing his legs. “She thought a visit might add some good drama to the show. She said your viewers were getting bored with the love story and she needed to spice things up.”
“Right, so she sent you out here to get good ratings that would then lead to yet another fight between Mira and me.” I rolled my eyes and slammed my hands on the table. “Can’t she see that she is what is fueling this damn fight in the first place? I mean, I don’t need extra drama in my life.”
“Dude, you are part of a reality TV show, what did you expect?”
“To come here, do the whole TV thing, collect a paycheck and go on with my fucking life,” I said with frustration. “Instead I find myself in an actual relationship, donating a kidney and trying to decide if I want to stay married or not. I just want this shit to slow down, but Evelyn keeps speeding it back up. I can’t even take a few days away from the damn house without everything getting even worse.”
“Hey, thanks, bro,” he said.
“I don’t mean you, just the way you and Mira act with each other,” I said. “I need to handle things without a bunch of outside influence making it more complicated.”
“No, I think you need outside influence to bring your feet back down to the ground before you make an even bigger mistake,” Miles said, standing up. “Just take a deep breath, put on your shoes, and let’s go find us a bar down the street. We can have some drinks and talk about everything.”
