The entire drive to his house seemed both to be the shortest and longest ride of my life. He held my hand in his, sneaking hurried peeks at me whenever the road would allow. I don’t believe we said one word to each other the entire length of the trip. Neither of us knew what to say, nor could we bring ourselves to break the beautiful, intense silence.
I hopped out of the truck as soon as we reached the driveway, but no quicker did my feet touch the ground than I was scooped up into the arms of the man with which my conscious so struggled.
But in that exact moment, I didn’t struggle one bit. There was no questioning where I should or shouldn’t be; where I wanted or didn’t want to be. He pushed through his front door, passed through the foyer and down the hall, and turned quickly into the bedroom. Together, we collapsed onto the bed, still staring into each other’s eyes. I don’t know how many more moments passed with us both lying there in utter silence, but I do know it was everything I needed it to be.
The back of his hand skimmed my cheek, and my eyes closed in response.
Finally, he spoke, and his voice rattled my insides. “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”
I felt my cheeks blush, but I still said nothing.
“Because I really don’t think I tell you enough.” His thumb brushed against my reddened cheeks. “You are simply gorgeous, Hannah Birk.”
“Thank you.” I finally squeaked out. “I…” I didn’t know how to say it, but I felt as though I had to. “I was so worried about you.”
“No. No.” He stopped me, laying his finger over my lips. “Not now.”
That was good enough for me.
He soon replaced his finger with his own lips, and the full taste of him calmed every nerve in my entire body. All my stress melted away, and I was left with only peace and security.
He took things slowly, and I followed his lead. It was as though subconsciously we both decided that we wanted to hang onto this moment forever, and we were going to do whatever necessary to make that a reality. His lips were so soft, sweet, and I could feel the desire he felt for me in each pull. His hands slowly trailed down my body, seemingly trying to grab and hold onto every inch of me in the process. My fingers moved from his rough cheeks to his curly hair to his strong back, and finally to his hips, where they stayed, holding on for dear life. I was determined to stay.
Still clutching onto me, he pulled my body up to a seated position, and then up to my feet, where he stood across from me. I didn’t quite know what was happening, but I didn’t question it, for words just didn’t fit the mood in the air. With a soft smile, his fingers clasped the bottom of my shirt and lifted up, forcing my arms in the air. He then lowered to his knees, where he carefully undid the button and zipper of my jeans, and then slowly slid the denim down my legs until I stepped out of their confines. He kissed my ankles, my calves, my knees, my thighs, my hips, my belly, and then pulled my panties ever so slightly so he could follow the lines of my hips lower and lower. My body begged for him to keep going, to not stop his trail, but he was all too talented in the art of teasing, and knew exactly where to reach in order to drive me absolutely crazy.
“Charlie, I’m…” I tried to tell him I needed him, though my head was spinning in ten different directions.
“Shh…” He stopped my words yet again. “I know.” And then with a bite of his bottom lip, his fingers grazed my warmth, causing me to yelp.
He stood back up across from me, and sure to keep his eyes planted on mine, began to remove his shirt. The sheer look of his naked upper body made me want to jump from my skin and tackle him, but I remained where I was, taking in the pleasures of sight. His scars were all the same, yet a few new wounds had appeared. They were healing, that’s for sure, but I wouldn’t put it past them to still smart. I reminded myself in the coming moments that I might need to be careful with him. I also reminded myself that after our impending act, I should care for him. I wanted to care for him. But first, I wanted him to continue his little strip tease.
While I watched, I could see his need for me screaming from below his boxer briefs. My insides clenched at the sight of his shape, but my mind stayed focused on the moment. We remained planted in our positions as we simply stared at each other’s form.
“I missed you.” He whispered, and for the first time, I saw pain in his face.
But I shook my head, not wanting to tarnish the atmosphere. “Don’t say that, Charlie.”
“Then I’ll show you.”
He took two running steps forward, grabbing me in his arms and tossing me on the bed. The pain was still in his stare, there was no denying that, but he did not want to speak of it. He first needed the release he had been waiting for, and honestly, so did I. With what seemed like two flicks of his fingers, we were both stark naked, our bodies pressed up against one another. It felt good, it felt right, and somehow, I just knew he felt the same way.
It kind of hurt my heart to know that we were both so happy in that instant.
His weight still crushing me, he took my fingers in his and began to kiss each knuckle. I closed my eyes and allowed only my sense of touch to take over. It was tantalizing, exciting, and even more of a turn on than I had imagined it could be in my wildest fantasies. With my eyes still closed, I imagined us as different people.
We were long lost lovers, reunited after years of distressed distance, torn apart by scorned circumstances. But now was our moment to change it all. We were destined for something greater, and determined to prove it to both each other and ourselves. And we would do exactly that in this one act of pure love.
“Hey, where’d you go?” Charlie pulled me back with a kiss.
I opened my eyes and looked straight into his. “No where without you.”
It was corny, and bordering on the line of something you’d hear in a B-rated chick flick, but I didn’t care. It was exactly what I was thinking, and exactly what I wanted to say.
And Charlie didn’t seem to mind either, for his smiled widened into almost a laugh before he kissed me again.
This kiss was different. It was hard and soft all at the same time, and it made me want to cry.
Dear Lord, keep it together, Hannah. He’s only a boy.
But I wasn’t even fooling myself with my thoughts. He was so much more than a boy. He was a man. The man. Yes, he was the man I wanted to take for myself and he was the man I was determined never to let go of.
If only life cared to make things like that a possibility.
“I want you.” I said on my breath.
“I want you.” He repeated right back to me.
We might have meant different things in the long run, but right then, it didn’t matter. He slowly tilted his hips, diving into me, filling me, and making me feel more complete than I had felt in far too long.
I have no idea how long it lasted, or what time we fell asleep. All I know is that it was perfect: too perfect.
I started drifting off, fully encompassed by his arms, but right before I began to dream, I mumbled my wish to the world.
“I wish you were allowed to love me, Charlie Madison.”
I guess he heard me, for he answered right back. “I’ve never been one to follow the rules.”
Chapter Seven
Charlie
She was still sound asleep when I opened my eyes to the early morning light. I couldn’t bring myself to wake her, mostly because I wanted a few more minutes just to stare at her beauty. God, why was this world so unfair sometimes? I didn’t ask to find her. I didn’t plan on her coming into my life. And now… well, what was I supposed to do now? I had fallen for the girl, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, but our circumstances would never allow it to continue.
And I couldn’t even try to wipe her from my life. It was impossible, especially now that our parents were getting hitched. I could only imagine what our life would be like. We’d meet for family dinners, and I’d stare at her from across the table. We’d try to pretend it didn’t
bother us, that we were okay, that our bodies weren’t dying to become one. But that’s all it would be: pretending. Inside, we’d be crying for each other, both physically and emotionally. We’d want nothing but to have back the connection that we severed when we were handed our fate.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I sounded like some sissy boy poet who couldn’t get off his own ass and be a man. Sure, I thought about her constantly, and sure, I blatantly lied to her when I said I was over the whole “us” thing, but there had to be a different underlying cause as to why I was feeling this way. It couldn’t all be about her. I never let myself be this vulnerable. I was a soldier, for fuck’s sake. I garnered my emotions and kept them hidden deep inside.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Shit, she woke up while I was still staring at her.
“I’m fine.” I lied.
Her body squirmed as she stretched, and her voice was still raspy from being half asleep. It was fucking adorable. “You know I don’t believe you, right?”
She sleepily winked at me, but knew not to push the matter. Instead, she rolled back into my arms and cuddled into my chest.
With a deep breath, she looked up at me and half whispered, “I really was worried about you.”
My face instinctually wrinkled, and I pulled her even closer. It was oddly nice to have someone worried about me; to know that I wasn’t alone, that someone else wanted me to come home. I had never had that before, and now that I did, I really didn’t want it to go away.
And maybe I knew that all along. Maybe the reason I couldn’t swipe her from my mind when I was overseas was because at the same time I was thinking of her, she was thinking of me. Maybe we had a connection, and I couldn’t fight that. Maybe…
There I went with the whole sissy poet shit again. God, I think I need to get my head checked out.
“It’s almost five.” I kissed her forehead. “Do you want to get up?”
“Mmmm,” she hummed, fighting me, “fine, I’ll go jump out of a plane.”
I laughed, but let her roll from my arms and find her way to her feet. She might possibly have been more beautiful in the morning sunlight than at any other time during the day, but I’m sure I’d fight that fact if I were indeed looking at her at any other time during the day. I was obsessed. There was no hiding that.
And the worst part of it all was that I had no desire to hide it. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I wanted to kiss her in front of everyone and let them all know that she was mine.
But for so many reasons, I couldn’t do that. And for so many reasons, I knew that it was only a matter of time before this would all end. I wouldn’t be able to give her what she needed: a life, security, a world without secrets. And she would eventually find someone better than me, someone who could give her everything she so deserved.
That’s when she would leave me, and it would all be over. And there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening.
“Come here.” I reached my arms back out to her.
She turned back around, shining a smile directly at me. “What?”
I smiled right back. But my smile was the smile of that little sissy boy who refused to take a nap and let me handle this like a man. She made me feel young and free and in love.
It was kind of okay for the moment.
“I haven’t properly coitified you this morning.” I wriggled my fingers in her direction, calling her to me.
“Coitified?” She burst into a fit of laughter. “That’s not a word, Charlie.”
I sat up, grabbing her in the process, and bringing her naked body into my lap. “Of course it is. You just haven’t read my updated dictionary.” I reasoned.
Hannah ran her fingers through my hair and grinned, as she looked deep into my eyes. I saw a brief twinkling of sadness- which very well could have just been me projecting my own sadness onto her- so I chose not to question it. Either way, we’d deal with it later. We’d have to.
Instead, I tossed her off my lap and onto her back. She cried out in a combination of shock and laughter as I quickly climbed on top of her. I hastily showered her with kisses, finding a strange sort of joy in tickling her with just my lips. She twisted beneath me, acting as though she was trying to get away, but we both knew her actions were only for show. We were playing a little game, and no matter the outcome, we would both win.
My kisses slowed, as I felt my body begin to yearn. Playtime was over; it was now time to take her as my own.
She moaned as I traveled lower and lower, my fingers finding her just before my lips.
“Someone’s ready.” I teased.
“Are you going to do something about it?” She shot right back at me.
“As you wish, my lady.” I whispered before I disappeared into her.
My tongue flicked, twisted, and licked. I loved her taste, her smell, and her warmth. I wanted to be inside of her so badly. I wanted my cock to fill her so much that she would never want anyone else ever again.
But before that, I wanted to make her come with just my mouth.
I grabbed her hips, bringing her hard into me. I sucked at her sweetness, pushing my tongue inside of her so I could make her scream out. Her cries only made me move faster and deeper and suck harder and fuller. Her hips bucked, but I used the movement to my favor, taking all of her in my mouth as she cried out in one final explosion.
I slowed my tongue, but didn’t pull away. I wanted to taste her as her body settled from the release. With a satisfied smile, I licked my lips of her taste, and climbed up to my knees.
“Let’s watch.” I winked as I pulled her to the edge of the bed and planted my feet on the floor.
We both looked to the mirror as I slowly pushed her knees out to the sides and slid into her. She moaned as I made my way deeper and deeper with each deliberate thrust. It was hot, almost too hot, watching our bodies come together. I could have came in an instant, but held on, not wanting it to end too quickly. I looked at her in the mirror as I licked my thumb and found her clit, pressing down hard each time I drove my dick fully inside.
“Charlie… Charlie.” She cried out my name. I loved the way it sounded in her sweet, yet determined voice.
“Louder.” I begged of her.
“Charlie!” She answered my plea.
“Louder!” I said again as I quickened my pace, now rolling my thumb over and around her sweet spot.
“Oh my God, Charlie!”
With her final cry, I couldn’t hold out any longer. I collapsed on top of her, letting myself release inside of her. I crushed her chest with mine, and together we found each other’s breath. After a moment, I pulled out, falling to my knees, and laid my head on her stomach. She lightly scratched my back as she hummed something very close to a song. I wanted to tell her I loved her. I needed her to know how I felt. I wanted to stay in that position forever, just feeling her breath fill her body, and knowing that she was mine and I was hers.
But not a second later, when the adrenaline left my body, the sissy boy inside of me was replaced with the practical soldier, and it finally occurred to me what needed to be done. I had let myself fall too deep under her spell, and that wasn’t good or healthy for anyone. And the worst part was that now I was certain the feelings I felt were reciprocated. She didn’t need to tell me; I knew by the way she looked at me. I wasn’t blind or stupid. We had both headed down a path we didn’t realize we were on until we found ourselves there together at the end.
No, we had gone too far. I couldn’t let us keep this up. I had to take charge. I had to be the one to put an end to this. And unfortunately, I knew that I couldn’t do it the nice way. We had both practically convinced each other and ourselves that this couldn’t continue, and yet, here we were, lying naked on top of each other. And it was no longer just about sex. It was something deeper, something scary. It was an enemy we had no idea how to fight. And we could say it needed to end until we were blue in the face, but it would mean nothing. It would last
a few hours, but the next time we saw each other, it would be just another excuse why this time would be the last time. And the vicious cycle would continue on and on and on until our parents were married and we would be hiding from them and everyone we knew forever and ever and…
That’s not a life. Nothing is worth that kind of torture.
I knew what had to be done, and sadly, I knew that it wasn’t going to be pretty.
I wished I could tell her my plan so I wouldn’t hurt her, but that would defeat the purpose. I needed to hurt her. It was the only way.
Chapter Eight
Hannah
I was so stupidly happy all day. I kept catching myself with a smile on my face. Other people kept catching me with a smile on my face.
“You up for a girl’s night tonight?” Amanda yelled at me from across the helicopter.
“Sure, what did you have in mind?” Of course I wanted to see Charlie, and I planned on seeing Charlie, but I thought I’d at least entertain the idea of a girl’s night.
“You know… a little gossiping, a little drinking, a little searching for boys…” She winked at me. “Though, if my radar is at all on point, I’d say you’ve already found yourself a boy.” She winked, and I felt my face turn beet red.
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