“What about Danny?” She finally asked after I got to the part where I told Charlie that I loved him too.
“What about Danny?” I repeated. “Nothing has changed.”
“Everything has changed.” She countered. “Are you going to break it off with him? Are you going to start seeing Charlie for real?”
“Well…” I felt the fire light up my face. I was so conflicted.
“Oh my God… there’s more to the story.” She placed her elbows on the middle console and rested her chin in her palms. With a smile, she nudged me along. “I’m ready…”
I bit my lip. “He asked me to run away with him.”
She screamed.
Then she screamed again.
“What are you doing in this car with me right now?”
“That’s the thing, Amanda.” I started, hating what I was admitting next. “Nothing really has changed. Charlie is still Charlie. He’s emotionally unstable, a bad influence, and… oh wait… there’s something else…” I played around. “Oh right! He’s going to be my step brother!”
We hemmed and hawed for a few moments about that. Throughout my relationship with Amanda, it became more and more obvious that she had some twisted, fairy tale idea of what love should be. She saw this whole conundrum between Charlie and me as an opportunity for a beautiful story, rather than a destined heartbreak.
“If the love is strong enough, it can battle anything.” She argued.
“But is the love strong enough?” I jumped in. “What does that even mean? We hate each other every other minute. Who’s to say that those minutes might not start getting longer?” I nervously fiddled with my fingers on the steering wheel. “And especially once the passion dies…”
“No.” She violently shook her head. “The passion will never die between the two of you. I’ve seen you together.”
“The things you’re saying don’t even make sense.” I merged onto the highway, but still stayed strong to my argument. “That’s not how things work, Amanda. Right now, we’re plagued by the natural response to our bodies releasing dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin.” I chuckled to myself. “Did you know that the release of serotonin can make you temporarily insane? So right now, when I’m with Charlie, I’m technically insane. How’s that for a love story, huh?”
“Blah blah dopamine blah!” She took a breath. “That’s not romantic, Hannah.”
“There’s nothing about romance. It’s insanity. That’s what it is. That’s all it is.” I laughed, though I was finding myself very uncomfortable.
Amanda sat her hand upon mine. “Hannah, it’s okay not to explain everything scientifically. It’s okay just to love being in love.”
I felt the tears well up in the corners of my eyes. How did she know me so well? I really did hate that I had the knowledge to explain everything. I didn’t want there to be a reason I was attracted to Charlie. I wanted it to be this crazy kind of love that was incomparable to anything else we ever had the possibility of experiencing in our entire lives. I wanted to daydream about our future together. I wanted to come up with the exact story we would tell our grandkids. I wanted to be able to laugh with him, and play with him, and talk to him about anything and everything.
And I knew I was holding myself back from what I could really experience with him because of our situation. It didn’t make sense. It wasn’t going to work out. By sleeping together today, we were only prolonging the inevitable.
“I just can’t make sense of it. There’s no future for us.” I shrugged, hoping she would change the subject.
“He jumped out of a plane for you, Hannah. Who can say that?” Her voice was soft and sweet and comforting. “What did he say when you left?”
“Nothing.” I turned to look at her. “He was asleep.”
Her hand moved from her mouth, to her chest, and then back to her mouth. “Well,” she paused for just a second, “I hope this doesn’t come back to bite you in the ass, chica.”
That was all we said about Charlie for the remainder of the drive. We talked about the weather, good food, and what freaked us out about clowns at local small-town carnivals, but mostly we talked about what we were expecting in the next thirty-eight days. We knew it was going to be extremely physical. The first half was essentially just prepping you for the horrors of the second half. During the second half, we would be tested on our survival skills. After the next thirty-eight days, we would finally learn if we had passed into the actual Special Forces Training program. As the first group of women going through this program, we had a lot riding on the next thirty-eight days. Our success could mean great strides for women in this profession. Our failure, on the other hand, could set us back years, or even decades. It was all up to us.
As we rolled up to the security checkpoint, Amanda turned to me. “I know we just drove over six hours, but you can go back. You can run away. Just say the word.”
But I looked ahead at the future I knew I needed, rather than back at the love I knew I wanted. “Let’s go.”
“Okay.” She disappointedly breathed while fretfully twirling her thumbs around each other. “You nervous?”
I huffed with a half-laugh. “Fucking terrified.”
Chapter Eight
Charlie
“You’re supposed to be at home, Charlie.” The Command Sergeant Major caught me as soon as I walked onto the grounds.
“What am I supposed to do at home, Sir? Watch cooking shows?” I narrowed my eyes at him, knowing full well that he loved watching cooking shows on his days off.
Aside from a small smile, he just about ignored my jab. “You’re supposed to heal up. You’re shipping out tomorrow.”
“Exactly. I want to make sure my team is all set.” I tried to push past him. It had been two weeks since my accident, so I was getting better at walking with the boot, but I wasn’t fast enough for my father.
“Son,” he whispered close to me. “I’d rather you not go on this ride at all. Stay here and monitor your team from the office.”
“Fuck that.” I bellowed, a bit too loud. “I’m not going to stand idly by and let my team do all the work. It’s just a recon mission, anyway.”
I knew he wanted to continue arguing with me, but it was quite clear that he was about to give up. I wasn’t quite sure why, as he was almost as stubborn as me, but I didn’t need to wonder long, for he was about to lay it all out, right in the middle of the hallway.
“How are things with Hannah?”
“Fucking A, Dad!” I shot my eyes around, making sure no one was close enough that they heard him. “I don’t fucking know how she is.”
“She’s been at Bragg for a week.” He told me information that I obviously already knew. “You haven’t spoken to her?”
“She’s not my fucking girlfriend.” I was too defensive. I knew better than that, but I couldn’t help it.
He sighed, shaking his head. “She’s about to be your fucking stepsister though. Maybe you should try caring.”
I don’t know if he was trying to play daft, but it was working me up, nonetheless.
I walked as fast as I could down the hall, trying desperately to conceal my anger. When I had gotten about fifty feet from him, I turned around and yelled back at him. “I jumped out of a fucking helicopter for her. I think I care a little bit, Pops.”
He nodded, and he might have tried to respond, but I was already another fifty feet down the hall before he even had a chance to comment.
It was all driving me bat shit. The truth of the matter was that I hadn’t spoken to Hannah since she had gotten up to Fort Bragg. I had no idea how she was. I didn’t even know if she had made it there okay. I assumed after our last encounter that she would reach out to me. I had even sent her a short text thanking her for stopping by, but she responded with nothing more than a smiley face. A fucking smiley face. After that. And even that was only thirty or so minutes after she had left my place. Since then, nothing.
I could have sworn I asked her a ques
tion that I knew the answer to… why did she leave? Was leaving her answer?
I met my team in the break room. They welcomed me back the way any group of guys would.
“You took two weeks off for that?”
“I didn’t know you to be a slacker, Madison.”
“Is it actually broken, or did you just want a vacation?”
And then, from the corner of the room, leaning against the wall, my 18D- my medical sergeant- cleared his throat. “Show of hands. Who thinks Madison is fucking his trainee?”
With a loud, group snicker, ten hands shot into the air. I think my face even blushed. My anger at my father completely subsided, and I was brought into a room with my friends, just doing friend things: just being guys.
“He’s not denying it!”
“Fuck, is that allowed?”
“Had I known that, I would have fucked the redhead day one.”
“Hey, the red head was my trainee.”
“Yeah, well mine was a shaved-head pussy-eater, so I wasn’t touching that with a ten-foot pole.”
“You’re a shaved-head pussy-eater.”
“Damn right I am.”
“Okay, guys!” I put my hands into the air, hoping to stop the raucous. “You’re all very funny.” I sucked at my teeth, trying to decide how to continue. “The real fact of the matter is that the Command Sergeant Major is actually engaged to Birk’s mother.”
I settled on that, not sure if they were able to see through me.
“Fuck!” One of the guys called out. “So you’re fucking your stepsister? That’s the dream, man.”
Another three guys dropped to their knees and began bowing at my feet.
I could have denied it. I could have told them they were all imbeciles and needed to get their minds out of the gutter. I could have…
Hell, I loved the attention.
“In our defense, we started fucking before we knew we were about to be stepsiblings. Or even before we knew I was her trainer.”
Roars came from throughout the room. They loved it. I loved it.
And apparently I really loved her, for I had just told a group of guys that only knew me to be a man of one-night stands, that I have been sleeping with the same girl for over a month now.
I just wasn’t about to tell them that I wanted only to sleep with her from now until… well, I guess until forever.
What had she turned me into?
Chapter Nine
Hannah
Twelve of my thirty-eight days were complete. I had one more week left of training before I would spend nineteen days in the deep end.
I had decided that I couldn’t, I just absolutely couldn’t let my mind wander to Charlie. He had texted me almost as soon as I left- well, snuck out of- his place, thanking me for stopping by. I’m sure what he really meant to do was to ask why I had left without a proper goodbye (since I had obviously answered his question about running away together simply by… not running away with him), but he didn’t ask, and I didn’t answer.
I felt bad, giving him nothing more than a smiley face emoticon, but what was I really supposed to say?
I thought I had been in love with men before I met you, but now… it all seemed childish.
Of course I want to run away with you, I’m just scared.
I just need you to promise me that everything will work out, and then I’d happily follow you to the moon.
Yah, I wasn’t about to send any of those. I might only put on a strong face, but I do it for a reason. I’m not about to be blindsided and stranded with no ability to pick myself up just because I chose love over logic.
Sorry Charlie.
But really… sorry me.
I managed to not text him or look at pictures of him or even talk about him for the next week. We were now taking our final written exam of the course, and starting tomorrow, it would all be in the field. I had finished before everyone else. Test taking has always been a strength of mine and just because the tests were no longer about mitosis and cytokinesis, didn’t mean that was about to change. I studied, I studied hard, and I aced everything.
On paper at least.
“How did you think you did?” Amanda caught up to me in the locker room. “Wait, why am I even asking that? Of course you got the best grade in the class.” Then she stuck her finger down her throat, insinuating that my skills made her gag.
I shrugged, not hating the compliment. “I have a good memory.”
I grabbed my stuff out of my locker and rifled through my bag for my phone.
Seven missed calls.
Fifteen unread text messages.
Four unread e-mails.
“You’re popular.” Amanda laughed as she casually reminded me that I had no privacy.
“It’s Danny.” I shoved my phone back in my bag, not daring to check any of the messages just yet. I didn’t want to deal with him.
I had spoken to Danny every single day since I arrived at Ft. Bragg. Every day. Often, multiple times a day.
The man was clingy, to say the least.
He asked if I had a day off to come home.
I told him ‘no’.
He asked if he were allowed to visit me.
I told him ‘no’.
He joked about getting transferred the military hospital up here.
“It would be simple, you know.” He announced as if he had just come up with the greatest idea ever. “I already work in a military hospital. I could just ask to be transferred for a few weeks.”
“But I wouldn’t be able to see you.” I argued. “I work all day and I study all night.”
“I could help you study.” He tried.
“You can’t, Danny. This kind of stuff is better if I do it on my own.”
And then he gave me some nonsense about how I didn’t want to put any effort into our relationship and how it didn’t even seem like I wanted a boyfriend.
Oh, I’m sorry… was that not clear?
He was a sweet guy, and I had a lot of fun with him before I left, but there were boundaries that I thought I had set in place, and he was blatantly ignoring them. He was already a doctor. He didn’t need to go through all of this nonsense. But I wasn’t there yet, and I wanted to be there, so I still had to. How could he be upset with me for that? Couldn’t he understand that I wasn’t just looking for a person to love; I wanted to have a career that I loved?
I didn’t call him back that night. There were a number of follow up texts asking if I was angry with him or just busy, but the truth of matter was that I wasn’t either of the two. I was apathetic. I didn’t want to talk to him, so I didn’t. This was the hardest journey I would ever take in my life, and I had made the difficult decision to push Charlie as far away as I could, even though I longed for him every minute of the day. So, why would I waste any of my time on someone who was casual and fun, but who was definitely more into the whole ‘us’ thing than I was?
It was a silly decision I had made, and I planned on remedying that. But, after another three days of unreturned texts, calls, and emails, I realized that I would need to do more than just ignore him. I had to take real action.
“There you are!” He happily exclaimed as he answered the phone.
“Hey Danny.” I didn’t much share in his excitement.
“What’s up, love muffin. Everything okay?”
Barf… love muffin? Really?
“It’s just been…” I tried to lie on the fake grief. “Really difficult and trying.”
“Of course.” He comforted. “And dangerous too. Maybe you’re not cut out for this.”
Wow… not where I was going, but thanks for the vote of confidence, bud.
“It’s not that… I just feel that I’ve been spending any free time I have thinking about you rather than what I came here to do, and that will only set me up for failure.” I tried to make it seem as though breaking ties with him was an extremely difficult decision.
“But that’s life, munchkin.” He was obsessed with callin
g me by a pet name. “Your attention would always be split. I mean, think about when we have kids.”
“No!” I called out a little too fast. I didn’t want to think about kids just yet. Sure, in the future, but right now was about me.
Hold up… did he just say “think about when we have kids?”
He chuckled, “well, I’m going to think about it. I’m going to think about what a little Danny and Hannah baby would look like until the day we finally get to make one.”
Okay, I wasn’t sure if he was trying to be sweet, but this was a little too much. I had spent six days with the guy. And of those six days, all six of them I had spent still absolutely head over heels in love with another man.
“Danny, this is all just a little too much for me right now. I have to take a step back.”
It was the best I could give him. It was honest, and yet still mindful of his feelings. But apparently, that was not the response he had wanted me to give. It was also not the response he was going to allow me to give.
His tone changed. “You’re not taking a step back anywhere, Hannah.”
I almost choked on my tongue. “Excuse me?”
“You are not leaving me. Do you understand?”
Embrace The Suck (A Stepbrother Special Forces Novel) Page 20
