"Money is a flow of energy," she'd tell me. That was all well and good but going out to work for some poxy start-up company would make my energy flow into a big pile of crap.
"They want to buy my app. Well, they want me to work with them."
Mum raised her eyebrows. "And?"
"You and I both know that is never going to happen. Even if I wanted to leave the house, and I don't, I wouldn't be doing it to work with a bunch of misogynist jerks who are going to try to bulldoze me."
"It might be a way to heal the past."
I shook my head. I didn't think the past needed healing. It needed to be put in a box with the lid nailed down tight and chains wrapped around it and buried somewhere dark. What I wanted most was to be left alone, with Tex, to live my life in peace. And maybe have a little spending money.
CHAPTER THREE - RUBY
My shrink came to the house on Wednesdays. She only did the house visits because she was a friend of Mum's. I wasn't really sure about the ethics of that because what if I wanted to tell her that my mother had done traumatic things to me during my childhood. She said she was a professional and that wouldn't matter. Not that Mum had ever done anything like that. Well, not much anyway. There was that haircut she’d given me when I was five years old.
Still, I didn't have much choice because I didn't want Tex paying for my shrink and I couldn't afford to pay full price. And, most of all, I didn't want to leave the house to go to a shrink, having to travel to her office and wait around.
Luckily, Sheryl turned out to be really nice and I didn't mind talking to her. I'd been to shrinks before and they'd all been dicks. Sheryl wasn't like that. Sure, she talked some stupid stuff at times and was all about getting out of my "comfort zone" but she was mostly okay.
We went into the library so we could be alone. I hated talking about my feelings but at least with Sheryl I could put away my happy smilie face and be myself.
Since the night of the awards, I wanted to make sure I wasn't a burden to anyone. I was really careful not to show my true feelings.
"Why do you feel like that?" she asked.
I'd have thought that was obvious but it seemed that shrinks liked you to explain the obvious.
"Because I wasn't there for Tex. I couldn't be with him. He had to do it alone." I stared out the window, at the bay sparkling in the sun. It made all this talking easier than it would be if I had to actually look at her.
"He's an adult. Sometimes people have to do things alone. And he had people there. His band mates." She wrote some notes down. I hated that part of the process. What was she writing about me?
"He needed me. And I couldn't be there for him."
I hated talking about that night. How I'd gotten all dressed up and looked like a fairytale princess. That was to be our night, the night we revealed our relationship to the world. I’d thought I was fine, that I could put every shitty thing that had happened behind me and we could be like a normal couple. I wouldn't let the kidnapping or my own doubts or anything else stop me. Tex had said he loved me and that should've given me the strength of a thousand warriors. The bubble of his love would protect me and I'd be safe forever.
I'd barely made it to the door when the attack hit me. I'd fallen into a million pieces. I sunk to the ground, the world a swirling mess. I tried to stand up, to put on a smile and act like I could be there to support him. But I couldn't even get to my feet.
Tex propped me up and carried me back inside. I worried I was sweating so much that I'd ruin that lovely dress. What a stupid thing to worry about. Tex got me a glass of water but my hands shook so much, I couldn't drink it.
"I'm calling Hannah. We can't go," Tex had said.
"We can go," I said and tried to get to my feet.
"Don't be stupid, Ruby. You can't even leave the studio, how can you go to the Awards? There will be a huge crowd outside. You'll have to walk through them, with all the cameras. If you aren't 100% recovered, I'm not letting you go through with that. It's not that important."
My insides chilled. I knew the crowds would be too much for me. I imagined people pulling at me, tousling me.
"So I'll tell Hannah. It mightn't be too late. They should be able to get someone else."
Tex was only saying that to make me feel better. There is no way they could get another band to play the Awards. Not at this short notice. Even if they could, it'd been advertised that FORSAKEN were playing. People would be angry.
"You go. I'll be fine." I forced my face into a smile. I had to make him believe that. "I need to rest and I can do that just as easily without you. Maybe I just need longer to recover than I’d thought. I did go a long time without food. It might take me weeks to get over that."
I tried to laugh at my lame joke.
"I can't leave you alone."
"I can't hold you back," I'd replied to him. "It would only make me feel worse."
Tex shook his head as though trying to rattle a solution into it.
"I'll call Hannah and see what she says. But don't try to be brave, Ruby. If you need me with you, tell me."
He tried to explain things to Hannah and I didn't hear her reply, just a buzz of anger through the phone. Tex held the phone on his shoulder as he got me a blanket. I wrapped it around myself, trying to look strong. I wasn't really sure what strong looked like though.
"She can't go with me and she's not in a state to leave on her own," Tex said.
"I am. I'm totally in a state to stay alone."
He didn’t listen to me though.
"Okay, that should work. How long will it take you?"
When he got off the phone, he told me that Hannah was coming over to stay with me. Like a babysitter.
"Doesn't she want to be there? It's her night too."
Tex didn't reply, he just led me into the bedroom and helped me undress. It made me feel even more pathetic that I didn't have a friend of my own to call on and needed Hannah.
When Hannah turned up, she was wearing an amazing red dress. I thought about the effort she and Lizzie had made getting me ready and my stomach sank. I was ruining everyone's night. I still had the makeup on but I was in my PJs.
"I'm sorry," I said to Hannah. "You don't need to be here."
She waved her hand as if waving away my concerns. "Trust me, if you'd been to one of those things, you’d never want to go to another. They're a total yawn-fest. Not nearly as glam as you'd think."
I wasn't sure if she meant that or was just saying it to make me feel better.
After that night, Mum and Dad came back from Bali and I had them around to help out but it felt like I needed to reassure them too. I didn't want them being inconvenienced by my problems. I wasn't sure that Sheryl would understand that Tex wasn't like other men. He sure as hell didn't have a regular job that meant he'd miss a day of shuffling papers at the office if he needed to be with me. He had thousands of people wanting to watch him perform. Many more than thousands for the TV appearance. I was one person compared to those thousands and it was selfish of me to expect him to put me first.
"Ruby, you really need to be more honest with people instead of holding back everything inside you."
It was okay for her to say that though. She had no idea of the huge tide of messy, sticky feelings that I held inside me. If I let them out, they'd ruin everything. It was much better for everyone if I kept them locked up tight. Otherwise, it would be like a tidal wave of emotion that would never be stemmed.
Before she left, she said something that chilled me.
"There's something I'd like you to do."
I nodded without any conviction.
"I'd like you to try leaving the house. In your own time, of course. Nothing too big or scary, just a small baby step. Maybe meet up with a friend for coffee or even go for a walk on the beach. You have to leave the boundaries of this property at some point and a walk on the beach would be lovely."
Was she insane? A walk on the beach? With all those teenagers around? Summer holidays had started and they
came out in packs. You couldn't really hear them but sometimes I saw them from the window. It seemed to me like watching an alien lifeform. Nothing about them was relatable to my own experience, that's for sure. Girls with tanned skin and sun-kissed hair, laughing and flirting while wearing tiny little bikinis. Boys that pranced around, showing off. Was that what other people had done during my teenage years while I was inside?
"Ruby?"
I smiled, putting the mask back on. "I'll think about it."
I knew she'd ask me next time but I wasn't ready to leave the house. Not yet.
CHAPTER FOUR - RUBY
"What's up?" I asked.
As soon as Tex walked in the door, I knew rehearsal hadn't gone well. He had that look about him. That frowning, head down look. The look he always had about 30 seconds before he went into a rant.
"Devon was up to his old tricks again. Hell, I'm so tempted to just dump him and get a new bass player. It'd make life easier all round."
I bit my lip. I'd learnt from bitter experience that it was best to keep quiet when it came to disagreements within the band. If I gave even the slightest indication of supporting Devon, Tex hated it. I didn't even have to actually support him. Just suggesting that Tex look at the other side of the story got him fired up. I kept my mouth shut and let Tex get his ranting out of his system. It's not like he did any more than rant anyway.
"I could ditch Devon, maybe even the whole band, and just get in some session musos. That'd be better. They'd be professionals and they'd do things my way instead of screwing things up. Devon isn't even that great a bass player anyway. He holds us back. If it wasn't for Brownie, I'd do it. I don't know if Brownie would stick around if Devon got dumped."
I couldn't help but grin, pretty sure that the whole "doing things his way" was the reason that Tex wanted session musicians. Tex needed to be in control of the whole process and Devon was the sticking point. Of course, Tex didn't help matters. They had almost made up their differences for a while and the bromance between them was on again, then things gradually went bad again.
Even though I didn't say anything, I wondered if it would be better for Tex to go it alone. Devon was a constant reminder of his dead sister. Maybe he would be better off without that. Keeping the band together for the sake of just keeping it together seemed illogical to me but then going it alone was pretty much my life motto and I knew those guys had ties that went way back.
Brownie was the one who grounded things and kept Tex on track. Sometimes I wondered how Brownie felt about being in the middle all the time. It must’ve been like being a kindergarten teacher dealing with two problematic kids.
Tex grabbed a beer out of the fridge.
"I'm meeting up with Lizzie for coffee tomorrow," I said, wanting to change the subject.
The beer almost slipped from Tex's hand but he managed to catch it in time. Wow, total over-reaction, Tex.
"What? You're leaving the house?"
I shrugged. I didn't want to make an issue of it. Well, in all honesty, I didn't even want to do it. If it was just about me, I'd be happy to live in isolation. Total isolation was awesome in my book. But, when you are in relationship, it's never just about what you want.
"That's top stuff, Ruby but," he frowned at me, "if you want to go out, you could just ask me. I want to be there to support you."
"It's not that big a deal. She's coming over when you guys rehearse on Thursday and we're just going out to get coffee. I thought I might make dinner for everyone but if you aren't getting on with Devon..."
I could see that Tex was a little hurt that I'd go out with Lizzie rather than him but I had my reasons. Mostly, if I fell apart, I didn't want to do it in front of Tex. I hated him seeing me like that and I knew it upset him. I hadn't even talked to Mum about it because, if she came with us, she'd be fussing around and wanting me to talk about how I felt, which would only make it worse. I'd rather not focus on my feelings.
Lizzie was the perfect option. She was friendly without being too invested in my reactions. I'd talked to Lizzie about it and she was fine with things. She'd been with me the day that crazy stalker had sent me those photos and she'd dealt with my freak out in a no-nonsense way. She could take me straight back home if I couldn't handle it. I wanted to keep this whole thing as casual as possible, with all escape routes considered. Lizzie said we could go to a quiet cafe that wouldn't be too overwhelming.
I wasn’t going to tell Tex what we were doing but, if he came in from the studio and found me gone, it’d freak him out. I tried to keep my voice light but it made me sick to think about it. The most frightening thing was fear of my own reaction. I didn't want to make an idiot of myself in public. If I had an attack somewhere with people around, that’d suck balls. People crowding around me, asking if I was okay.
The only reason I'd even listened to the shrink's fool idea was that I needed to do this for Tex. He had a headline spot coming up at a local festival soon and then he'd been booked for a month of headlining festivals plus a heap of side shows after that. Tex ran so far ahead of me, he grew smaller in the distance and I couldn't ask him to slow his pace for me. I wanted to be strong enough to keep up with him.
Tex had even said I needn't be there for the local festival. He was the Friday night headliner so he could do his spot and be back home before I even went to bed. I wasn't sure if he was saying that to take the pressure off me though.
I was a wreck when Lizzie showed up on the Thursday. I'd tried not to play out the disaster scenarios in my head. My shrink had given me some ideas about how to deal with that but, sometimes, it was hard to stop myself. I kept telling myself it was only coffee.
We drove down the coast and stopped at a cafe on the beach.
"Let's sit outside," I said.
"Would that make you feel more comfortable?" Lizzie asked.
I nodded.
The waitress came out and we both ordered our drinks. I resisted the urge to ask for mine in a takeaway cup in case I needed to bolt. Since it was during the work day, the cafe was almost empty. We were the only ones outside. A few mums with prams entered the cafe. I could actually breathe again. I hadn't realised I'd been holding my breath. My stomach still clenched and I wondered if I'd even be able to hold down a coffee but other than that, I felt fine.
"How are things going with the house?" I asked Lizzie.
That made things easier. I just had to sit back and listen to her plans. I'd thought her house was lovely when I'd been to her engagement party but she seemed to think there was a lot of improvement needed.
"Of course, it all depends on how things go with the band," she added. Then she gave me a look that surprised me. It had a touch of calculation in it that I hadn't thought Lizzie was capable of.
"But you bought the house outright," I said.
She shook her head.
"That was the plan. Back before the band reformed and we were struggling to get money together, we had a plan to buy something small and simple. Maybe live there for a few years then get something bigger when we decided to have a family but then we got all that money and I figured we could go for the bigger house straight up. Nicer house, nicer location. But that meant we had to get a mortgage."
I had a feeling that she was telling me this for a reason and that was "don't fuck this up".
The waitress appeared with our drinks. As she sat the glasses on the table, she knocked Lizzie’s handbag so that it tumbled to the ground.
“Hey, watch it,” Lizzie snapped. “Do you have any idea how much that bag is worth?”
Lizzie rolled her eyes at me but I gave the waitress a smile to apologise for the outburst. It wasn’t like the waitress did it on purpose.
As she sipped her juice, Lizzie gave me some suggestions for our place.
"You really need to get decorating. It was okay to live like bums when it was just in that studio but Tex will expect you to make a home for him."
I nodded. I didn't want to argue with Lizzie but it seemed to me that T
ex was pretty darn happy with his recliner and a frozen dinner. He didn't need any fancy curtains to make him feel at home.
"... and I was imagining a pink chaise lounge in the front, maybe in velvet. Something baroque style..."
I had no idea what Lizzie was talking about. She kept mentioning names of furniture designers I'd never heard of. When she mentioned the pink chaise lounge though, I nearly spurted coffee out my nose -- and that coffee was darn hot. Had she even met Tex and me? What about us did she look at and see pink chaise lounge. The closest thing we'd gotten to that was the fancy padded bed head we'd bought so we could recline in comfort while watching TV in bed.
I sipped my coffee, feeling more relaxed than I expected to be. I sat on the edge of my seat gripping tight to my handbag and kept glancing around to make sure I was safe but I hadn't run from the cafe so that was a big step forward. The sun was out but not too strong, just gently kissing my skin. From down the beach I could hear the screech of seagulls and the waves breaking. Lizzie started telling me about her wedding plans. That was fine with me. I could just nod and make appropriate noises while lost in my own thoughts. I mean, when people tell you their wedding plans, they don't really expect you listen, they just want to talk things out loud.
Everyone around me was getting married. Hannah had her own plans. She was getting married before the summer festivals started so that she wasn't caught up with work. She wasn't the type to ramble on about her plans like Lizzie did though. Hannah knew what she wanted and went ahead and did it without asking anyone’s opinion.
"What about you and Tex?" Lizzie asked.
I shuddered and she quickly changed the subject. She was treating me with kid gloves in case I had a freak out but the whole marriage talk freak out was on a different level.
I managed to do the whole coffee thing without any disasters. I hated to think that Sheryl might possibly be right about leaving the house but maybe I was capable of more than I suspected. Maybe next time I'd even go all out and have cake too. It'd be all in the name of my mental health.
Be With You Page 2
