She was right. It didn't make me feel better. Well, it did for a while but afterwards I had that hollow feeling inside like it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. I couldn’t tell Ruby that though, not with the way she attacked me with her words.
I got up, pacing the floor. I didn’t want to have this conversation. I wanted to have dinner then go back to the house and make love to my precious Ruby. She was the one who could keep the ghosts away.
"This world has an unlimited supply of fuckers. Even right now, there is another slime bag selling drugs to a girl like Julie. And there will always be girls like Julie because this world is a harsh place. Harsher than some people can deal with."
I wondered if she was talking about Julie or herself.
"I'll never forgive him."
I couldn’t look at her. I leaned on the window frame, looking out to the street over the tops of the trees. What could I say to make her stop with this? Her words, they had to stop. My hands trembled. I wanted a drink, needed one so bad.
"You'll never forgive him and you'll never forgive Devon but maybe the person you have to forgive is yourself. You have to do something. Otherwise you'll always just be that guy sitting in his house alone with the memory of his sister. I'm not moving back there. If there is a future for us, it has to be just us not you, me and Julie. You want to protect me, you want to wrap me in cottonwool and stop the world from getting to me but that's not going to happen. I'm not a substitute for your sister. I'm not your second chance."
I slammed my fist down on the window ledge, making the glass rattle. "Whoa, back up there. What are you even talking about?"
Was she crazy? As much as I loved her, she was way over the line with this. I wanted her to shut up. I wanted that cold voice to stop talking.
"You have to deal with this, Tex."
I didn't answer. I couldn't. I’d deal with it by finding a bar or somewhere to ease this pain she was causing me. I had to get out of there otherwise I’d say things I regretted. I didn’t want to fight with Ruby but, if I stayed, we’d end up fighting.
Before I got to the door, the weirdness of her moving out hit me.
"What's with the packing then? I thought you had this apartment for free with the job."
She picked the clothes up off the bed and threw them in the suitcase, slamming it shut. The lid bounced back up from the impact so she forced it back down, closing the clips. I wanted to help her but this cold Ruby would repel my help.
"I don't have the job. I don't have anything. I bet you're happy to hear that. That Jerkface accused me of all kinds of shit then told me I was sacked."
She tried to sound tough but the words choked in her throat. I was too angry to care though.
"You talk about me living in the past. What's happening with you? They accused you of stuff? Did you even try to stick up for yourself?” My hands trembled. “You say you don’t want anyone else to protect you. Well, learn to protect yourself.”
"What's the point? No one would listen to me anyway. They told me to get out of the apartment before Alex Feng gets back next week so there's no point hanging around here."
"Have you talked to Alex Feng?"
"Why would I do that?"
"Because he might listen to your side of things. Because that’s what any normal person would do."
"I don't want to talk about it. I'm leaving. You can show yourself out when you're ready."
She pulled the suitcase off the bed and headed toward the door. I grabbed her arm.
"When did it happen? When did you get the sack? You get angry with me for not telling you things but don't you think this is a big deal, worth discussing? Come on, Ruby, you think I'm living in my past, what about you? You had shit things happen but you can't just let the pattern keep repeating. Surely it's better to fight than to just run away?"
"What's the point of fighting? I can't change. I can't become that kind of person." She pulled her arm away from me.
"I don't want you to change. I want you to be happy. If you want to lock yourself away and not talk to people for days at a time, do that. If you want to be alone, that's fine but if you’re doing this because you are too scared to confront someone who is screwing you over then you are never going to be happy, Ruby."
"What do you know?" The fire in her eyes blazed.
"Talk to him, talk to Alex. Make him listen to you. If you can't do that then the world is going to keep screwing you over."
Ruby tugged on her suitcase, pulling it behind her as she walked out the door, slamming it behind her.
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE - TEX
I hadn't planned on getting drunk but what can a man do after something like that. I'd been ripped to shreds. I wished I could go back to how things were before. The two of us had been happy. We could be happy again, surely. She'd never seemed less than happy.
Now she was scared and running and it seemed like all the issues she had, she blamed on me.
Was this the end for us? I couldn't ask her that. I didn't even know where she was going. Maybe to her parents' house? Somewhere without me, that's for sure.
Empty whiskey bottles littered the kitchen bench but eventually I found a full one. I'd ordered a dozen when I'd been worried about running out then got a fit of the guilts and hid them all in the bottom of the kitchen pantry. I didn't bother hunting down a glass, didn't even think there was a clean one in the house, I just necked the bottle.
I walked into the front room but the sight of the two empty recliners made me feel like shit so I sat down on the stairs. Hell, I didn't even like this house. It'd done me no favours from the moment I'd bought it. I wanted somewhere away from the madness for Julie, thinking I could protect her within these walls.
Things with Ruby had fallen apart from the time we'd moved back in. It was true. We’d been good together living in the studio, then that had changed. At first, she seemed to get healthier, stronger. I thought she'd put the terrors of the kidnapping behind her and the future looked grand. But, for Ruby, getting stronger meant leaving me behind. Like I was her sickness. Or maybe it was in this house.
Why’d I bothered to rebuild it? I should’ve walked away and cut my losses.
The best thing I'd ever done was burn it down. It wouldn't take much to burn it again. There was nothing much of ours in it anyway. We'd never even got around to putting up curtains anywhere but the front room.
It'd take a mighty stupid man to burn his own house down though. Even stupider to burn it down twice.
I took another chug and considered it. Which way was the wind blowing? I could just pack up the car and drive away. The whiskey was going down easy but I wasn’t drunk enough to think that driving was a good idea. I could call a cab though.
The thoughts twirled around in my head, not settling long enough to make sense, when I heard a laugh. At least, I thought it was a laugh. I ran up the stairs, wondering where it'd come from. So many times, I'd thought I'd heard Julie in this house. I could never let go of her memory, not while she haunted me.
When I got to the room at the end of the hallway, I flung the door open. It always seemed that, if I were fast enough, I'd catch a glimpse of her.
The room was empty, as it always was. Not even the lingering scent that reminded me of her.
I heard her laugh again, this time from downstairs. I ran from the room, down the hallway. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I tripped but grabbed hold of the bannister to steady myself, the bottle of whiskey flying through the air and smashing on the wooden floor. The precious whiskey sprayed across the floor, a line trickled from the shards of broken glass.
I stepped over it in search of a replacement.
In the kitchen, I hunted out another bottle. The laughter whispered through the house again, low and dry. Or was it just the wind in the trees outside? I was losing my mind, sinking further into the pit.
I should get out. Leave the house. Burning it might be the best option. I could make a coffee, sober myself up and get the hell away.
If I didn't get out, I’d be stuck forever.
Then the laughter became louder.
I ran into the front room.
"Are you there? Is anyone there?" I felt like an idiot, but the laughter closed in on me, like birds swooping.
I spun around, searching for something to make sense of this. Then I fell on the floor, dizzy and alone. The laughter got louder and I buried my face in my hands. It only got louder still.
I couldn’t ignore it.
"Julie?" I screamed out, cursing myself for a fool but unable to stop myself. "Julie?"
All I got was silence. I propped myself up, using the fresh whiskey bottle to steady myself.
"Julie? Why did you do it? I could've helped you. If you'd let me, I'd have saved you."
The laughter that answered me was bitter and mocking. She knew. She knew that I'd let her down. I couldn't get off the hook that easily. After all my promises and all the work I'd done, I'd let her down.
I thought I could hear her voice. "You're so lame, Tex. Get your shit together. Do you want me to pound some sense into you?"
"I'm sorry. I fucked it all up." I stumbled back onto the floor. So many times, I'd wanted to see some remnant of her, to call her to me, but Ruby was right, I had to let go. "Julie, forgive me."
If I told her to release me, Ruby would come back. I just had to tell her to leave. That hit me like a truth. If I screamed for her to stop, to go away then she’d never haunt me again. But could I do that? The traces of her left behind in the house were all I had.
I heard footsteps in the kitchen. There was someone in the house? Was it her?
I grabbed hold of the recliner and got to my feet, stumbling to the kitchen, my heart pounding. I was drunk and I was stupid. Julie was dead. But something crashed to the floor. I wasn't alone in the house.
"Julie?" I called out again.
A figure darkened the doorway. "Julie? You must be more fucked up than I ever imagined."
"Devon?"
"Man, you're a mess. Where's Ruby?"
He lugged me over to the recliner and dumped me in it then prised the whiskey bottle out of my hand, taking a sip himself.
"She's gone. Everyone's gone."
The laughter rang out again.
"Can you hear it?" I asked him. "It's her. She's laughing."
"You idiot, it's something outside creaking in the wind, probably that shitty gate you had installed. She's not here, mate. She's gone. You're losing your marbles. God, that's all the band needs, our front man in the loony bin." Devon got out a cigarette and lit it up.
"Fuck you, man. Fuck you."
I stretched out to grab the bottle off him but he moved it out of my reach.
"You've had enough."
"I'll decide that." But I hiccupped, which made my words ring false. Then I reached again, falling out of the chair.
"You're drunk and fucked up and hearing things. That's pretty much a straight sign that you need to stop for the night."
"She's gone, Devon. She's really gone."
"She went a long time ago and you need to get over it."
I stumbled up, kicking out at him.
"Not Julie. Ruby. She's gone."
"Yeah, well who'd want someone like you? You're a bloody mess."
He grabbed hold of me, hoisting me up. I tried to swing at him but I was too drunk to strike with any force
"What are you doing? Let me go."
"I come out here to have a drink with you but you're in no fit state for anything. I can't leave you and I'm not staying here, so I'll take you back to my place to sleep this off."
"You're the best, Devon. Have I ever told you that?"
"You're drunk."
He got me to the kitchen but I stopped. I had to tell him. The secret that I'd kept from him since Julie died.
"Listen, I've got to tell you..."
"Tell me in the car."
"No, I need to tell you now. It's important."
Devon sighed but stopped. I leaned against the bench, wishing I had more booze to help me out. If I didn't tell him now, I never would, but a drink would sure help.
"That night, the night that Julie died, you said you came to the studio to tell me that dealer had turned up. You were leaving and you came out to tell me."
"Yeah, I remember. I bashed on the door but you didn't hear me. I should never have left her. You were right. That's what you want me to say. You were right."
"I heard you."
"What?"
"I heard you. I knew you were there. You were bashing on the door and I heard you. I thought it was nothing. Another one of your fights. You'd be pouring your heart out to me. 'Julie did this, Julie said that...' I was sick of the drama. Every day it was something. The two of you, breaking up, getting back together, then going out to get fucked up. I was sick to the guts of it. I wanted to work on my new song without hours of interruptions. So, I heard you bashing on the door and I turned away."
Devon stared at me.
"You can punch me if you want. I'm a bastard. I sat out there in my studio, working on that stupid song, while Julie was inside dying. Just because I'm a selfish prick."
Devon shook his head. I waited for his fist in my face but he just kept shaking it.
"She never stood a chance, did she? You, me, her – we were so fucked up, the lot of us. We were too young, too young for all that money and fame."
He grabbed hold of me again.
"What's happening?"
"Come on, we've got to get you out of here. Hey, are you crying?"
“No!”
“You are. You’re crying like a little bitch. Man, you need to give up the booze. Tex, I’ve got to tell you, you’re not a fun drunk.”
I paused at the door, feeling stronger now that my secret was out in the open. I had to do something before I left.
“Julie, you have to go. I’ve got a future that I have to live.”
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX - RUBY
I'd insisted on an interview with Alex Feng. Even if things went horribly wrong, I needed to put forward my side of the story. Tex was right. All my life, I'd walked away and hidden when things went wrong but I couldn't keep doing that. This meeting wasn't going to resolve anything. I didn't want my job back or any other compensation; I just wanted him to hear me out.
And a small part of me wanted to be able to rub it in Tex’s face – that I’d tried and I’d failed. I’d prove him wrong.
That didn't mean I was looking forward to it though. I played out every single scenario in my head. Scenarios where he yelled at me and said every humiliating thing I could imagine. I'd be belittled and come out of the interview more of a trembling mess than I'd gone in. Even so, I had to do it.
The worst thing for me when I was in a confrontational situation was trying to get my words out. Afterwards, I'd think of every little thing I should've said. The articulate arguments would all formed in my head far too late. But it was far too late then. Having a bunch of accusations sprung on me like Jerkface had done was the worst possible situation for me. I couldn't defend myself. I couldn't even think.
All my life, I’d had things I wanted to do but I’d avoided them because of people like Jerkface. I’d always let other people push me around and, in the end, I was the only one hurt by it.
So, I'd written out a list. A bullet-pointed, well-organised list of things I needed to say in this meeting. The first of them being that Jerkface should not have set me up without warning.
I got to the workspace early but didn't want to go in. Not after last time. So, I paced the street outside. Even though the weather was stinking hot and I'd already started sweating, I preferred to be outside in the fresh air, keeping my head clear, than inside with the air conditioning.
Then I saw Alex pull up in his car. I ran inside, not wanting to see him before the meeting. He'd smile and make pleasant small talk that would be anything but pleasant. I found the bathroom and went in, splashing cold water on my face.
I could leave. That
would be the smart thing to do. My heart raced and my head was all over the place. I'd have another attack and then I'd ruin everything so there was no point even being here.
But Tex was right.
He was right.
I hated to admit it but he was.
Being together with Tex was one of the things I wanted but we had to rebuild that, from the ground up. He needed help and I couldn't do that for him if I couldn't do a thing for myself. If I was a quivering mess, I was no good to anyone. I’d been so angry with him but the thing that made me angriest was that he’d spoken the truth.
I walked into the meeting. I sat down and pulled out my list. All I had to do was read out that list. I could control that. I couldn't control what happened after that. I couldn't control whether Alex Feng was a nice person or if that was just a front to cover a black heart. I'd lost any faith I had in other people so I didn't hold any hope. But this wasn't about that. I had to have my say.
"So, Ruby, what's this all about? I know Jeremy had some issues with your work. He's also implied that you aren't mentally stable enough for the role."
I gulped. I’d been expecting the stuff about my work but questioning my mental stability? I hadn't known about that, hadn't put it on my list. My hands trembled. I didn't think I'd be going into this meeting having to defend my own sanity.
"I didn't want this job. You came after me and, when I accepted, I worked with you to deal with those issues."
Alex nodded, giving no indication of his feelings. I inhaled, hoping I could get through this meeting without having any kind of meltdown. Sheryl had said to focus on my breathing.
"There have been issues. Not all of them mine. Before I started, I told you I had a history with one of your employees."
I was getting sweaty and talking way too fast. I didn't sound professional. I sounded like a whiny child but I had to continue. I told him all about the problems I'd had at university, the way I'd been treated and what Chris David had done. I couldn’t look at Alex. I had to get this out. By the time I finished, I’d sweated bucket loads.
Be With You Page 14
