by Abby Ayles
“That does not mean that you should not wish to share these things with her.”
It sounded as though Louisa was reassuring Lord Ridgecleff. Natalie felt her stomach drop. Was she failing so much already that her sister had to reassure a man she barely knew?
She didn’t know how to feel. Angry. Self-righteous, even. If Lord Ridgecleff didn’t want a wife who was energetic and sociable then he shouldn’t have chosen her.
But she also felt…small. Shriveled up inside. Inadequate. Was she not enough for him? Just as she was? Did she not enchant him?
Could it have been that all this time she was nothing more than a shell? Men fell for her pretty face and then saw what was in her heart and head and walked away.
The thought terrified her. She wanted to be more than that.
If only they were still in London. If only she wasn’t stuck here in this boring place with boring people for company.
She had to matchmake Miss Ridgecleff with Mr. Cleary. And the earl had seemed to like her. If she could continue to see him and stay in his good graces that would go a long way with Lord Ridgecleff as well.
She had to prove herself. She had to. She would not be forced to break off this engagement and become a laughingstock.
Louisa and Lord Ridgecleff’s voices faded and Natalie realized their conversation must be winding down.
She entered the room, acting as though she had not been there and had not heard a thing. “I apologize for keeping you waiting,” she said. “Shall we?”
Lord Ridgecleff stood upon her entrance, bowing. Louisa stood as well, but more in preparation to go outside than anything else.
Natalie gave a small curtsy. “My lord, I am ready to go out if you are.”
Lord Ridgecleff nodded curtly. “Let us, then.”
He walked past her, and Natale could already feel the anger radiating off of him. She did not know him as well as she should, not yet, but she wasn’t an idiot. She knew when someone was repressing rage.
She followed him out into the grounds. Louisa, she could sense, was a bit behind them, giving them space while still technically being there as Natalie’s escort.
“You’re displeased with me,” Natalie said. Honesty, she thought, was probably the best option in this situation.
“How could I not be?” Lord Ridgecleff replied. He looked around as if to make sure that no one else was about.
Natalie looked around as well. The grounds were lovely. Flower beds here, a hedge maze there. But none of it was something she cared to pay attention to right now. It might as well be a howling heath for all that it mattered.
“Your behavior last night was deplorable,” Lord Ridgecleff said. “I am not—I do not wish to be the sort of man who scolds his wife like a child. But when you insist on behaving as you did—”
“And what, pray tell, was wrong with my behavior?” Natalie replied, feeling anger bubble up inside of her. She had never taken kindly to being chastised, especially when she did not feel there was anything she ought to be chastised for.
“Where shall I even begin?” Lord Ridgecleff said.
“First, there is the way that you treated Mrs. Hapson. I know that she talks to no end but she is a lonely and sweet-tempered woman. It costs you nothing to feign an interest in her conversation. In time you might even grow to genuinely appreciate it.”
“Appreciate what that woman had to say? She was most improper. You are telling me to watch how I behave and yet you ignore how she nattered on about subjects that were quite personal—”
“She is a lonely older lady. Someday you will be just like her, alone with nothing to amuse you or pass the time except for the comings and goings of those younger than yourself. You might want to have some compassion for her if only for the sake of someone having compassion for you when you are her age.”
Lord Ridgecleff was impressive when he was angry. Commanding, he seemed to tower over her. Natalie squared her shoulders. She was not to be intimidated by him.
And yet… what he said rang uncomfortably true. She did not like to think on it, the idea of her growing old and irrelevant. But then, who did? It was a fact of life.
Someday she, too, would be like Mrs. Hapson. Her husband might still be around or he might be gone. But in either case she would have nothing to entertain her except for the business of her neighbors.
And Mrs. Hapson hadn’t been mean-spirited like some older ladies that Natalie knew. Older women, she had found, could be awful gossips who liked nothing better than to spread rumors about those around them.
“You judged her too harshly,” Lord Ridgecleff went on. “I am sure that in London or in your own home you are able to avoid the older ladies and only speak to ladies of your own age.
“But you cannot avoid them forever. Out here you will have to speak with everyone who lives about. You must be a gracious hostess for Mountbank.
“You lose nothing by being kind. You could lose everything by being dismissive. Your duty as the mistress of this place and as my wife compels you to treat all with respect. I will not have it any other way.
“As for Mr. Cleary…”
“Surely you cannot have anything to say against him,” Natalie said. “He was a most charming and educated gentleman. And, I understand it, with a good income and capital.”
“He possesses all of those things, as you have said. But I will not have you playing with my sister’s heart.”
“Miss Ridgecleff could hardly be unhappy with such a match—”
“Her affections are already bestowed upon another,” Lord Ridgecleff said. “Which you would know had you taken the time to get to know her and win her confidence before blundering about trying to sell her off like cattle.”
“Is that not what you did?” Natalie shot back. Her temper was rising, as was her shame. “You were quick enough to snap me up without a care for your heart or mine.”
“That is different. Our circumstances forced us together.”
“You cannot blame me for wishing a good match upon your sister.”
“Do not pretend that you did this for my sister. You did it for yourself, for your own amusement. Your behavior is nothing but selfish, Miss Natalie. How are you supposed to please anyone, least of all yourself, when you think of nothing but what will amuse you and only you?”
“And are you not just as selfish?” Natalie asked. “You who ran off to the Continent and abandoned your family because of a simple series of quarrels? Who waited until the last moment to wed and so now must bind yourself and a lady together when it’s obvious that we can hardly stand one another?”
Lord Ridgecleff looked surprised, as though he was not used to being called out in such a fashion. Perhaps he wasn’t. But he must get used to it, for Natalie would never simply allow him to run roughshod over her.
“Do you then deny you did anything wrong?” Lord Ridgecleff asked when he had sufficiently recovered.
“I do not,” Natalie admitted. For perhaps—yes, indeed, she had been acting selfishly. Thinking only of what she wanted and what would amuse her. “I acted out of turn.”
“And dangerously so. Mr. Cleary…” Lord Ridgecleff sighed. He honestly looked concerned for her. “I have all but grown up with him and he has his charms. But he has his faults as well. Grave ones.
“Your speaking with him last night did not arouse in him an affection for my sister. It rather aroused an affection for you.”
“For me?” Natalie could hardly believe her ears. “But I am engaged to you. Surely he cannot—”
“He can, and will, and has.” Lord Ridgecleff moved his hand, as though to reach out for her, but then arrested the movement. His voice gentled. “I know that you did not mean anything untoward.”
“My matchmaking might be seen as untoward.”
“It was selfish. That I do not contest. But it was not…” Lord Ridgecleff sighed. “Many women, and men, matchmake. It is understandable. I know that you did not mean to seem improper, is what I aim to say. Yo
u did not wish to give him the impression that you did.”
“That I am an improper lady?” Natalie asked. She felt quite sick, her stomach all but heaving. “That I would—that I am so base—I am engaged to you. I know that we have our quarrels, clearly. We hardly know one another. But I would never break off from you. I would never try to disgrace you like that.”
“I know,” Lord Ridgecleff said. His voice was so gentle and reassuring. Completely unlike how he had been a moment ago.
“If you spoke to me in such a gentle manner all the time you might receive more affection from me,” Natalie could not help but say.
“And if you thought more of your position at Mountbank you might receive more affection from me,” Lord Ridgecleff replied, a trace of his frustration returning. “You have a duty—”
“I understand that I have a duty,” Natalie replied. Her eyes stung, and she blinked rapidly to dispel any tears. She would not cry in front of him. She would not.
“Is this all because of my position as your wife? Or do you care nothing for who I am as a person? If you did not like who I am, then you should have chosen someone else.
“Chastise me as you like. Perhaps I deserve it. In fact, as I stand here I am certain that I do deserve it. But do not chastise me like I am a dog who has disobeyed you. You should at least try to care about me for my own sake because I am a person that you care for.
“I would take all of this with a better grace if I only knew that you were saying it because you cared for my wellbeing.”
Lord Ridgecleff, to his credit, looked suitably chastened. For a moment or two they walked in silence.
Natalie could not guess as to how he was feeling. He looked quite thunderstruck by the entire thing. She herself felt nothing but shame.
She had been rude to a kind woman, put another girl’s heart on the line for her own amusement, and what was worst, had nearly encouraged a man to help ruin her.
How could she have been so foolish, so awful? This was what Bridget and Louisa had been warning her about.
This was why she needed to hold her tongue. This was why she needed to think more before she acted.
“You make a good point,” Lord Ridgecleff said at last. “I have thought only of saving myself in this. I have not truly thought about what you might need.
“I should be a more attentive husband to you. And I shall do that, from now on. I know that this is not the life you prefer. But perhaps…if we might go on walks or riding or such, we might at least come to understand one another’s character better.”
Natalie nodded. She felt like bursting, although whether in tears or anger she did not know.
“I will strive to do better as well,” she said, her voice a whisper. She dared not raise her tone higher for fear her voice would break and betray her emotions. “I have acted out of turn.
“I feel the fool. My sisters are all engaged to be married for love except for me. How I used to laugh at them and their ways. Now I am the one marrying out of necessity and the shame of my husband.”
Lord Ridgecleff stopped walking. “You are not my shame,” he said, his voice firm but not unkind. “You are—the moment I saw you—” he shook his head. “You are a clever and witty girl. Do not put yourself down that way.
“You have your faults but then, so do we all. It seems that I have my own faults I should have been examining more closely.
“Perhaps it is that your quieter sisters—Miss Louisa and Miss Regina, is that right?”
Natalie nodded.
“Perhaps it is that they are engaged for love before you because they obviously cared for other people. They listened and cared and did not think only of themselves. It shows, you know. People can tell.
“I have not met a woman as beautiful as you. Nor, I am sure, are there many women more popular than you are. But a beautiful woman does not necessarily make a good wife. And a woman who is popular at the ball is not necessarily the woman you want to spend your quiet hours with in your home.
“If you were to show more people that you genuinely cared for what they had to say…if you put their needs before your own…then, I think, you would find yourself feeling truly fulfilled.”
Natalie thought on that. It was quite a lot to take in. “I…yes. Perhaps.” She paused. “And perhaps if you did not see things in such black and white terms…if you were to relax your own judgment and make an effort to show that you cared, others would be more gentle with you in turn.”
“I am rather severe, aren’t I,” Lord Ridgecleff mused. As if the idea was entertaining to him.
“Just a little bit,” Natalie replied. She smiled a little, unable to help herself.
She liked the banter, the teasing, that they seemed capable of. She only wished that she could figure out how to make it like that all the time instead of them at one another’s throats.
There was a pause, a lull in the conversation. Natalie was not quite sure how to proceed. Lord Ridgecleff seemed to be at a loss as well. Should she apologize again?
“When is your sister’s marriage?” Lord Ridgecleff asked at last. “Miss Elizabeth, the one just after you. I believe she is to be the first married?”
“She is to be married first, yes,” Natalie confirmed. “And she is to have it in London in a month’s time.”
“The season will be starting then as well.”
“Yes, that is the plan. To marry at the start of the season so that she might spend it as a married woman. Regina’s will be not long after, I suppose.”
“Then let us make that our test.” Lord Ridgecleff turned to face her. “We shall have a month here in which to get used to one another. Then we can attend your sister’s wedding and see if we are truly suited for one another and can withstand society.”
Natalie thought on that. It sounded fair to her. After all, if they could not handle one another in such isolated conditions such as this then there was no point in continuing this engagement.
But, if they did handle one another well, then it would be fair to test it out in society. Society, where there were temptations and trials and the opinions of others to contend with and distract both of them.
Yes, it sounded like a fair plan to her.
“I accept the proposal,” she said. “I think it is a good one.”
“Very well then.”
They looked at one another, and for a moment it felt like they were conspirators together. Planning something. United. There was something that looked almost like mirth dancing in Lord Ridgecleff’s eyes. It made Natalie want to smile at him.
“Pardon my interruption,” Louisa said, closing the distance. “But your sister, my lord, met with me as I was hanging back. It seems your father is looking for the both of you.”
Louisa’s intrusion had broken the moment. In truth, Natalie had forgotten that her elder sister was hovering there just out of earshot.
Whatever she had been sharing with Lord Ridgecleff—whatever that moment had been—it was gone now.
He turned and bowed to Louisa. “Thank you. I shall hurry to the house—you two may join when you arrive. I shall not make you rush.”
He walked quickly back in the direction of the house.
Louisa looked at Natalie and offered her arm. Natalie took it.
“I don’t suppose that you heard any of what was exchanged,” Natalie asked, her voice low. She felt she should apologize to Louisa. She had been such an awful sister.
“I heard bits and pieces. Your voices rose,” Louisa admitted. “But I did my best to refrain from trying to purposefully make out what was being said.”
“I’ve been an awful fool, Louisa,” Natalie admitted. “Simply the most awful fool.”
She told Louisa of the entire conversation and all that had transpired.
“What must everyone think of me?” she asked. “What was my reputation truly back home, or in London—was I not thought of as the most awful creature?”
“You were thought of as the most entertaining woman at t
he ball,” Louisa said carefully. “People did truly enjoy your company. But I think that nobody wished to be your close friend. You were amusing as an acquaintance and as someone to invite to larger gatherings.”
“You are being kind,” Natalie accused her. “You have always been far too kind where others are concerned.”
“If you wish to have a harsh estimation of someone, including yourself, then you may ask Elizabeth,” Louisa replied. “I do not see how good can come of scolding you. Especially when you have already been scolded quite well enough by your intended.”
“I scolded him quite well in return,” Natalie pointed out for the sake of her pride.
“That you did,” Louisa acknowledged, smiling slightly.
“But tell me, Louisa—have I been a bad sister? I feel I must apologize to you. And to our other sisters as well.”
“Regina, I think, is the one you need to apologize to,” Louisa admitted. “But Elizabeth has her own fair share of apologizing to do to Regina as well. Bridget I think you need only apologize to for giving her such stress.”
“Elizabeth?”
“Elizabeth always gave as good as she received from you. I think you’re well matched in one another’s temper and quite even as far as insults and injuries are concerned.”
“And you?”
Louisa turned and brought her free hand up to gently cup Natalie’s cheek. “My sweet sister. You have no need to apologize to me.”
“But…” Natalie could feel the tears finally springing free. “But I have been most wretched. And selfish. And rude.”
“And it is all forgiven,” Louisa told her gently. “Forgiven was bestowed before you even asked for it. The moment you gave me injury, it was forgiven and forgotten.”
“You are too good,” Natalie warned her. “Too kind. See to it that others do not take advantage of it. I’m certain that I have in the past.”
Louisa pulled her in for a hug. “You are my sister. My darling sister. I will always forgive you.”
Natalie cried, just a little bit, into Louisa’s shoulder. It felt good to get those tears out. Like she was shedding who she was and becoming someone new. Someone who, hopefully, thought more and better of others.
