by Abby Ayles
Where would she be then?
Time did not stand still simply because she wished it, however. Nor did it bend to the will of a young woman. It marched onward.
And so the day came.
Miss Ridgecleff was all excitement, nothing but. “I have never been to London before,” she confided. “You must show me all of your favorite places. I feel as though I am dying of joy. I feel like a bride on her wedding night!”
“I should hope that your husband, whomever he may turn out to be, shall inspire more ardor in you than London does,” Lord Ridgecleff observed.
Natalie had to bite back her smile. Lord Ridgecleff did have a fine wit and used it well. Especially when he was being gentle with it. He had directed it at her hurtfully at the first. Now that he had softened towards her, she could appreciate it more.
The teasing between them was growing more intense as well. It gave her great joy to be able to see two spots of color high on his cheeks, which told her she had landed a good hit.
She loved the sparkle that came into his eyes when he would tease her back or when he thought she was being witty. Especially when she quoted one of his favorite books back at him.
It made her want to read more books, if only to get that look back into his eyes. She was starting to find that she’d do almost anything to earn approval from him.
Of course, she doubted that such feelings were reciprocated. Lord Rigecleff had much to do with the organization of the estate and learning from his father. She was nothing more than a passing amusement, she was sure.
But at least she could be that.
Now they were headed for London and everything was to be put to the test. When they had last ridden in a carriage together, she had loathed every moment. She had yearned to be heading for the city. She had despaired over the countryside.
This time, it was the opposite. She wished they were headed away from the city instead of towards it. She wished for there to be a sudden rainstorm so that it might take them longer to reach London. She clung to the countryside for as long as it would last.
Miss Ridgecleff had no such qualms. She eagerly commented on every moment of their journey. She was nothing but smiles.
Lord Ridgecleff seemed to have much occupying his thoughts. Natalie put on a brave face at the very least for the sake of Miss Ridgecleff. But whenever she tried to engage Lord Ridgecleff, he seemed preoccupied.
Was he already missing Mountbank? Or was he thinking of London and all he might do there? He had been on the Continent for a few years, after all. London was the closest thing to the Continent here in England. Was he thinking of all the enjoyments?
Was he already forgetting her, even as she sat in front of him?
The thought hurt her more than she had expected.
Normally when Natalie wanted someone’s attention, she simply grew louder. More vivacious. She flirted and thought up entertaining stories she knew about other people.
But Lord Ridgecleff did not appreciate such things. He liked it when she listened. He appreciated quiet conversation.
How was she supposed to hold his attention if she could not distract him from his thoughts?
Perhaps she was being selfish again. Perhaps it was business that concerned him. After all, while she and Miss Ridgecleff were going about the parks Lord Ridgecleff would be handling business matters. He would be representing his father and Mountbank for the first time. Surely that would make anybody nervous.
Natalie wished that she could reach out and take his hand. But she was not his wife yet. She would have to settle for thinking comforting things at him and hoping he read her mind.
When they stopped for something to eat, she mentioned it to Louisa.
“Do you not think that Lord Ridgecleff is quieter than usual?” Natalie asked.
Louisa examined the man in question. “I suppose. You know him far better than I do at this juncture. He does seem preoccupied.”
“I worry about what is causing it,” Natalie confided.
Louisa gave her an odd look. “Then ask him.”
“What?”
“If you are worried that he has concerns that weigh him down, then ask him about them. I always ask Mr. Fairchild how he is in my letters to him. You cannot expect to read a person’s mind. If you wish to know his thoughts, or the thoughts of anyone for that matter, you must ask after them.”
Natalie stared at her, feeling a fool. Of course. But at the same time…
Lord Ridgecleff seemed to her still a man of such aloofness. A man she couldn’t quite touch. The charming man of the first night and the Continent rumors was not him. But nor was he quite as serious and brooding as he seemed wont to portray himself as at home.
How was she to know if she could ask him without him becoming upset about it? What if she was intruding?
Perhaps it would be better to say nothing. If she spoke to him about it he might find it intrusive. He might consider her to be spoiled, not happy when enough attention was paid to her. Natalie didn’t want that.
She wanted to be the mature person that Lord Ridgecleff wanted her to be. There was no other way to get through this marriage. If she could make him happy and be less selfish…
She didn’t dare hope for love. She knew better than that.
But she could at least hope for her husband to esteem her. And Lord Ridgecleff never would unless she proved herself to him. She had to prove that she had changed for the better and that she had taken his words to heart.
She would not speak of it to him. Instead she would find a way to make him proud of her.
She’d always done well in London. She’d fit in splendidly there. The glamour of it, the gossip, the intricate social games. All had suited her well.
It would impress him to show that she was above such gossip now. But it would also do well to show herself off just a bit in her manner so that he might receive compliments about her.
She wanted so badly for people to congratulate him on his fine choice. She wanted people to think he’d done well. She didn’t want them to titter behind their fans or secretly advise him against her.
That was how she could gain his attention. By being good to others so that positive reports of her might reach him. That way she wouldn’t appear petulant or prying by asking him his business.
And, well, she did honestly look forward to the balls again. She looked forward to dancing. She wanted to wear pretty dresses, to see and be seen. She enjoyed being surrounded by people.
Perhaps, if she was quite lucky, she would get to see glimpses of the charming Continental Lord Ridgecleff that she had heard of. Being in London might allow him to relax a bit and show his fun side.
Or it could be the ruin of them both, the voice in the back of her mind reminded her. That voice sounded, to Natalie, very much like her sister Bridget.
Natalie dismissed that voice. She must remain positive.
London was where she shone best. She would put herself in her best light while she was there. She would have fun in the process. She would enjoy the season.
It would all be all right, Natalie told herself. It must be all right.
But she couldn’t get rid of the fear in the pit of her stomach.
Chapter 26
John waited nervously in the foyer for the ladies to come downstairs.
This was the ball at which Emma was to be presented. This was a huge step for his sister. He only hoped that he did his part right and that it all went well.
This was also the first time that he and Miss Natalie would be out together in public.
He had little doubt that Miss Natalie would shine. She had spoken often of her love of balls and London. And her great reputation, both as an entertaining and witty woman and her reputation as a flirt, came from those who had met her at balls.
But what about John himself?
He knew there were now certain expectations on him as to how to behave. His reputation in the Continent had reached England, after all. It had been part of the r
eason for his difficulty in finding a wife before Miss Natalie.
But he couldn’t be a stick in the mud, either. He had to make a good impression. For the sake of his father, for Emma, and for Miss Natalie. He had to participate.
He’d dressed with care, but had still finished before the ladies. They were starting with a ball thrown by a Mr. and Mrs. Clinch, a respectable couple high up in society. It wasn’t too ostentatious but there would be plenty of people of note in attendance.
It was the perfect place for Emma’s first ball. It was also the perfect place for John and his fiancée to make their first appearance after announcing their engagement.
He’d had everything carefully placed in the papers a week ahead of time. That way no one would be too surprised at their arriving together along with Miss Natalie’s sister as escort. Everyone would be expecting them and know that things were aboveboard.
Everything was planned for and settled. Yet his nerves would not dissipate.
If only he was certain that this would not break the tentative peace between himself and Miss Natalie. If only he knew that he could simply be himself at these balls without constantly worrying about what others thought.
He heard footsteps and turned to see the women coming down the stairs.
He caught sight of Emma first and smiled. She really was so grown up. It felt like one moment she was his sweet little sister, and the next… And she still was, of course. But now she was a woman. No longer little in the sense of childishness.
Miss Louisa looked lovely, as usual.
Miss Natalie…
John was once again reminded of the first moment that he saw her. At the ball, when he hadn’t yet known who she was. He had run into her while she was dancing.
Her form and figure, those blue eyes, all had entranced him. Once her mask was off she was even more lovely.
It was not that he had forgotten. More that he had forgotten to let it sink in. Now, seeing her dressed in a lovely pale blue muslin, it struck him anew that Miss Natalie was a very beautiful woman.
Any man would be lucky to call her his bride, at least in that regard.
And in others, the voice at the back of his mind said. She has taken your words to heart and has improved greatly in her manner.
He only hoped that behavior would continue while they were here among all the temptations that London society had to offer.
Miss Natalie walked up to him, or rather glided. She had a most elegant way of moving, he could not help but notice. “Are you ready, my lord?”
Lord Ridgecleff nodded. Say something, you fool, he thought. He should compliment her. Both for propriety’s sake and because she deserved a compliment for such lovely features. But he could not for the life of him think of anything to say that did not make him sound like a cad.
So he said nothing, and merely bowed his head to her.
Miss Natalie looked slightly disappointed—or perhaps that was only his imagination.
“Shall we?” he said, indicating for them to go to the carriage waiting outside.
He could feel the sense of anticipation in the ladies as they rode in the carriage to the ball. He hoped it was a positive anticipation.
When they arrived, they were greeted happily by their hosts. John could feel the many eyes looking him up and down. Taking the measure of him.
Despite returning to England some time ago now, he had only attended the masquerade ball hosted by Lord and Lady Morrison. He had otherwise been at Mountbank. This would be society’s great chance to express their newfound or reaffirmed opinions of him.
The house was already filled with guests. John scanned the crowd, trying to see who he could recognize. Many people he registered as dim acquaintances, but there weren’t many there he could call friends.
Miss Natalie spied several people she admired and took Emma’s arm, guiding her over so that she might introduce them.
John watched as Miss Natalie took his sister in hand, literally and figuratively. She moved Emma through the crowd with a deft hand and introduced her to various people, many of them eligible young men.
John felt something inside of him settle as he watched Miss Natalie helping out his sister. Emma needed a friend like that. She’d had no real girl friend or sister figure in her life. Miss Natalie being that for her and watching out for her made John feel less afraid. It helped him to know that there was someone besides himself watching out for his sister.
“Ridgecleff, my dear man, where have you been?”
John turned to see Mr. Perry, the son of an old friend of his father’s and someone he had spent quite a lot of time with over the years. Hence the dropping of the honorific and calling John only by his last name.
“Perry, good to see you.”
They shook hands. Perry was an affable man with a wide smile and an easygoing nature. He was the kind of sociable where he was not overly charming or popular, never in the center of the room.
Rather, he was on the sides, the sort of gentleman who made himself friendly with everyone and was just the sort of nice man that everyone always wanted around. Not a one had a bad thing to say about Perry. He was like a breath of fresh air.
John heaved an inner sigh of relief. At least there was one person here with whom he could be himself.
“I had heard of your return from the Continent,” Perry said. “That did not surprise me nearly so much as the announcement of your engagement.”
“Did you not think me capable of finding a woman who would say yes?” John replied, grinning easily.
Perry chuckled. “More like I was unsure that you could find a woman to suit your tastes. I must commend you on your choice, however.”
“You think the lady a fine one, then?” John asked. Perry was not the sort of man to speak ill of anyone, especially out of turn. Still, he knew his friend would give him an honest assessment.
“Why, do you doubt her?” Perry laughed, clearly intending it as a joke. “Miss Natalie has always been a fine companion. You would be hard-pressed to find a better option for a hostess for your balls. She is quite clever, as well. I should have liked to get to know her better had you not snapped her up first.”
John was surprised at the rush of heat that filled his chest. It wasn’t the warmth of joy or pleasure that he got when he was with those he cared about. It was harsher, more surprising.
Could it be that he was…but no, that would be ridiculous.
“It is not that I doubt her,” John said carefully. “It is only that I have not had much occasion to see her in such public spaces. I am accustomed to her out in the country.”
“Ah, I’m sure she’s charming without the distractions of the ball.” Perry smiled. “I’m afraid I have never had the luck to spend more than five minutes with her. She is always being drawn to another person. Such is the life of a popular woman, is it not?”
John knew that he could very well say some things to disillusion his friend. Had it been a month earlier, he might well have disabused Perry of the notion of Miss Natalie’s charms and found an advisor, someone to confide in.
But now…
He looked across the ballroom to see Miss Natalie speaking to some other young ladies. She was smiling, saying something, and the others around her all laughed.
She really did look beautiful. And she was charming when she wanted to be.
And she had done quite a lot to try and improve over the last few weeks. She had become better at listening and had become more considerate in her manner.
Even now, watching her, John could see that she was not dominating the conversation. She was standing and listening intently to something that another lady was saying. She no longer seemed bored or as though she was only listening for propriety’s sake.
John felt his chest swell a little with pride. Although he knew that he had done nothing but lecture her. It was not that he was proud of himself or his involvement. More that he was proud of her, that she had taken his words to heart and was doing so much better f
or herself.
He also felt that spike of heat again in his chest as he saw a young man approach the group. The gentleman was not someone John knew but most likely quite respectable. There was no reason for him to grow irrationally irritated when the young man engaged Miss Natalie in conversation.
This was a ball, the place where, of all places, young people might be introduced to one another and make new acquaintances. And Miss Natalie was not married. She did not yet wear a wedding ring. Of course, a young man seeing a pretty girl should wish to find a way to get introduced. Miss Natalie wasn’t going to run off with him.
But what if she found him, or another young man, more to her liking than John?
He had done little to earn her affections, after all. He had scolded her and all but railed at her. He had spent most of his time holed up in the office conducting business. Some courtship he had given her.
He had given her flowers, of course, and ribbons. Tried to give her gifts to make up for his absence in behavior and thought. But surely that wasn’t enough. A woman needed a man’s presence as well. She needed his words and his active participation.
He had really been a horrible fiancé. He would not blame Miss Natalie if now, back in London society, she saw him unfavorably compared to the many more attentive men who would surround her.
“Perry,” John said, almost thinking aloud. “If you were to try and show a lady your affection, how would you go about it? A lady to whom you are allowed to show such affection, that is.”
“I take it the green-eyed monster is striking,” Perry noted. His eyes tracked the young gentleman speaking with Miss Natalie and her companions. “I am not surprised you are a little possessive.”
“I am not…” John swallowed his words. He could hardly explain how he felt without revealing the ludicrous circumstances of their engagement.
It wasn’t that he was possessive—was he? He had little right to be possessive of Miss Natalie in the romantic sense. She was his fiancée and soon to be his wife, yes. He supposed there was the right there. But he knew Miss Natalie wasn’t going to betray him.
