by Abby Ayles
Emma gave a smile back to her, albeit a watery smile.
“Perhaps you should rest,” Natalie suggested. “A nap will do you good. I shall have you woken up in time for a meal and then you can eat and face the rest of the day fresh.”
Emma nodded. “I feel horribly exhausted,” she confessed, “even though I have done nothing except cry.”
“That is the way of grief and other great emotions,” Natalie replied. “They take quite a lot out of you. More than a long night at a ball ever could.”
Emma laughed a little as Natalie led her to bed and helped her to dispose of her outfit and get into a night dress. Natalie had helped her sisters get dressed and undressed many a time over the years, so it was not a bother.
“That is true,” Emma conceded.
She climbed into bed and let Natalie fluff her pillows for her. It reminded Natalie of Elizabeth, and even of Regina. She felt a sadness grip her heart.
She ought to write the both of them. Tell them that she missed them. Ask them…well, especially ask Regina…if she might rekindle their relationship.
She wanted to be a better sister to them.
Emma was asleep almost by the time Natalie reached the bedroom door. She had a maid quietly clean up the remains of the tea and headed downstairs.
She could easily guess where her lord was. He would be dealing with the affairs of the funeral and the estate without even a thought to his own grief or his personal needs.
Sure enough, just as she had suspected, he was in his father’s office.
His office, now. The earl’s office.
Natalie knocked on the doorframe. “My lord?”
He turned and looked at her. He seemed startled, but not unpleasantly so, to see her there. “Yes? Is there something that you require?”
Natalie shook her head. “I only came to inquire after your health, my lord. Do you require any food? Perhaps tea?”
Lord Ridgecleff shook his head. “I do not have time for such things. There are important matters to attend to. The changeover from my father to myself must be as smooth as possible. I must check that all the paperwork is in order and that I understand all the systems…”
Natalie was not going to have that. He would not run himself into the ground, not so long as she was around.
That thought gave her pause.
The previous earl was dead.
Lord Ridgecleff’s father, the man who had ordained that his son should have a wife or at least a fiancée when he returned home. Otherwise, his son would be cut off…
But that earl was gone now and he had not changed anything in the legal papers. His eldest son still inherited.
Now there was nothing to stop Lord Ridgecleff from becoming the earl, now that he truly was the earl…
He had no need to stay engaged to Natalie.
She nearly staggered. It felt as though someone had struck her with an arrow. He had no need of her now. He no longer had to stay engaged to a woman that he did not love, did not even care for.
But of course he could not break off the engagement. Only the lady could do that for the lady was the one who had accepted the proposal.
Natalie had to do it.
She swallowed down the tears that threatened to prick at her eyes and form a lump in her throat. She would do it. She loved him and when you truly loved someone you put their needs and desires above your own.
But not right now. Not while he was clearly so distracted by grief and a sense of duty.
“My lord,” Natalie said, stepping forward. “You are the earl now. That means you have a responsibility to the land and to the people who live on it. But you cannot care for them properly if you are running yourself ragged.
“Go on a long walk. You are quite fond of them. I will not join you this time. I think some time alone will do you some good. I shall instruct the household in what to do. I remember well my mother’s funeral and how things went then.
“Allow me to take care of those preparations that I can. I will not meddle with anything that concerns the estate.” She kept her voice firm. “You will not do yourself or the others any good if you work yourself into the ground.
“I can well handle the beginnings of the funeral preparations and that is half of your battle. I cannot meddle with the affairs of the estate but they can easily wait a few hours while you do what must be done.”
“And what is it that must be done?” Lord Ridgecleff asked, challenging her.
If she was soon to be out of his life, no more to trouble him, then she could hardly lose anything by being frank. “Grieve, my lord. You must take your time to grieve.
“Go on your walk. You may say the things that you want to say and do the things that you want to do there. Then you can return, refresh yourself, and start anew. These papers will still be there.”
He looked at her for a moment as if he could not quite decipher her meaning. Then he abruptly stood. “Very well.”
Natalie watched him go, her heart heavy. As soon as she had taken care of what she could for the funeral…as soon as the household had recovered enough for everyone to stand on their own two feet…
She would free him from his engagement. She would end it.
People would talk, of course. They had already been seen together. She had already made announcements. But she could weather the storm. She had to. She would do what was right for Lord Ridgecleff. She loved him, and any sacrifice was worth his happiness.
It was so strange, wasn’t it? At the beginning she had hardly given a thought to him other than what he could do for her. How he could entertain her. How well she would look on his arm.
Now she would have gladly done anything to help him even if it meant her own unhappiness. Even if it risked her own reputation.
It would be easy enough to persuade him. Oh, of course at first, he would refuse. He would be worried for her reputation. He might not love her, but he was an honorable man. He would make a token protest.
Once he saw that she was serious, however, he would back down. He would acquiesce and thank her for freeing him. He would be able to focus on the estate and all of that instead of worrying about a wedding. Then he could find a bride—one that he truly cared about, one that he truly wanted to be with—when he was ready and not a moment sooner. He could take his time.
Natalie had to hold in some tears at the thought of him being with another woman.
She took a deep breath. She was an adult. She was trying to be mature. She could handle this.
She would do the right thing.
Natalie sat down at the desk and began to organize things. It would all be fine.
It would all be just fine.
Chapter 38
John had no intention of stopping his work, not for anything. Things must be taken in hand. The tenants and the servants and all the rest had to know that he had a handle on things and that all would remain as it was. That it would be smooth sailing.
But when Natalie had been so firm, and so gentle about it…he couldn’t resist her. And he supposed that a small break, giving into her request, couldn’t cause too many problems.
And as before, with the carriage, she turned out to be right.
The walk afforded him the perfect opportunity for privacy. Out there in nature, with no one around, he could give into his grief.
He was not ashamed to admit, at least to himself, that he cried. Releasing the tension enabled him to better keep a stiff upper lip once he returned to the house.
He said a few things to the wind. He let himself feel and allowed it all to wash over him.
Then he returned to the house.
He found Natalie in the study, compiling a list with Edward.
“Ah, excellent timing, my lord,” she said, standing up and smiling at him, he thought, a little hesitantly. “We have compiled a guest list for the funeral. I have spoken with the cook about the menu and instructed the household in what has occurred. I can make the invitations if you wish.”
“That would be most kind, thank you.”
Miss Natalie handed him the list to check over. Edward had done a good job of it. Everyone that John would have thought to invite was on there.
“Perfect,” he told her.
Miss Natalie smiled at him and then went off to write the invitations.
Edward watched her go, then turned and looked at John. “I have something to say, and it is rather bold of me.”
“If there’s any time for being honest, it is now,” John replied.
Edward sighed. “I think that you ought to tell your lady that you care for her. I’m sure that you have already but it seems that she needs reminding.
“Her regard for you is great but she seems unaware of your own returned feelings.”
John stared at him. “Her own regard—whatever do you mean?”
Edward frowned. “Are you unaware of her own esteem for you?”
John wondered for a moment if he ought to lie. Then he shook his head. “I had not thought…”
“Did you think that she only agreed to marry you for your money?” Edward asked.
The real explanation was much more complicated. And besides, John did not know the full story as to why Miss Natalie and her sisters had to marry so quickly, at least initially. It was not his story to tell, in any case.
He nodded. “Along those lines, yes.”
Edward shook his head as though John was the biggest fool he had ever encountered. “She is quite gone on you, and I mean that in a romantic fashion.”
“She spoke to you of this?”
“I do not think she was even aware of how much she alluded to it in her behavior.” Edward smiled. “We are never as subtle as we like to think in our behavior when we are in love. Or when we dislike someone, for that matter.”
John sighed. “I suppose this means that you are aware of my own…”
“Your own deep affection for her? Yes.” Edward chuckled. “I am surprised that the lady herself does not notice. But we tend to be rather self-absorbed when we are in love. We are so worried about how we portray ourselves. We are equally self-deprecating and convinced that the person cannot return our affections. It makes us blind to what others standing around might see.”
John’s thoughts were whirling. Could it be that he had been wrong this entire time? Could it be that he had been blind to how Miss Natalie truly felt—and that she had been blind as to how he felt as well?
“I think that I have been a blind fool,” John declared.
Edward gave him a wry look. “Possibly. I do not know your entire story of course. That is between the two of you. But it would not be the first time in our lives that you have slipped up.”
John huffed out a laugh. “No, it would not be. I suppose that it would be all right with you if I were to…go and speak with her?”
Edward gestured for John to go. “I doubt that you would be much assistance with your mind thus distracted.”
“The matters of the estate come first.”
“The matter of your heart is just as important as the estate, brother. I can manage to start getting things in order. It has only been a day, after all.” Edward smiled kindly at him. “You do not have to be so hard on yourself.”
“I was too easy on myself for too long.”
“You heard Father. He underestimated you, and he apologized for it. I think that you are underestimating yourself as well. Forgive yourself, just as you forgave Father, and just as he forgave you.
“We are all fools in love, after all. And you are lucky that she loves you back. All the rest will fall into place and we will be here to support you.”
John clapped a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I’m not sure that I deserve such support, but I welcome it.”
Then he turned—he had to find Miss Natalie.
It was time to get this entire mess straightened out once and for all.
Chapter 39
Natalie found a quiet spot in the library where she could begin writing out the invitations.
No rest for the wicked and all of that, she supposed.
The matters for a funeral had to be dealt with quickly so that everyone could get out in time. Otherwise they would be forced to bury the body before anyone could RSVP. To keep the body lying in wait at the mortuary was quite rude.
She was very good at correspondence. Her penmanship was something she had taken pride in over the years. It was, Bridget said, one of the few things that Natalie had enough patience to learn properly.
Her mind seemed to enter a bit of another state in times like these. She was not having to expend all of her thought on the task and could instead think of other things as she wrote.
How would she say it, exactly?
She would have to approach him at the right time. Not in front of anyone else. That would be thoughtless and would embarrass both him and herself.
Perhaps after dinner then. Most of the day’s work that he had to tend to would be completed. The ladies would be retiring. She could speak to him then.
What would she say?
She would have to thank him first and foremost for his patience with her. She would explain to him that this was nothing to do with him. That this was her choice concerning herself and had nothing to do with any behavior of his.
He would have to guess that she knew he felt nothing for her. But she did hope that she could get through it without revealing her own feelings. For Lord Ridgecleff, for anyone, to know that she loved without being loved in return…
It was a humiliating prospect. For the person who loved to know how you felt, without returning said affections? He would pity her. She could not stand that.
She would have to take care to speak plainly and calmly. She must give him no reason to suspect.
If he did not know that she loved him then he could only think that she was ending it for both of their sakes. There would be no need for pity or concern. She could walk away with her head held high and her pride intact.
That was how it must be done. To give him what he needed and to preserve her own dignity.
She was not so wrapped up in her writing and her thoughts that she could not hear the soft but heavy footfalls of someone approaching.
Beyond that, however, it was as though she had a second sense for Lord Ridgecleff. Perhaps it was the slight smell of the woods and the chilly outdoor air that always seemed to cling to him. Or perhaps it was the cadence of his footsteps. Perhaps it was a combination of something, or none of those things at all.
In any case, she knew it was him.
Natalie straightened up and tried to appear more serious. If that was possible.
“Trying to sneak up on me, my lord?” she asked.
Lord Ridgecleff paused. “Not precisely.”
“Then I suppose your taking care in being quiet was so as not to scare the mice?”
“There are no mice.”
“There are always mice,” Natalie replied, lowering her tone and keeping it flat so that he knew how serious she was in her mocking.
Lord Ridgecleff laughed. She at least had that ability on her side.
“If it would not trouble you too much, I was hoping that I might take you on a short walk.”
Natalie stood. “It is no trouble so long as we do not go far. Otherwise I had better change.”
“No, I think that we should just take a turn about the gardens if you would like.”
“Oh, certainly.”
Her mind was racing. Could it be that he wanted to discuss the wedding? Had she overstepped her bounds in helping with the funeral? Was he going to ask her to break off the engagement since he could not?
A thousand possibilities filled her head, none of them joyful. All of them filling her with dread and anxiety.
They stepped outside where the cool air of the day helped to clear her head. This was the perfect opportunity. Whatever he was going to say would be said.
Then, she could say her piece. It would all be finished with.
&nbs
p; What was more, it was still early enough in the day that she and Louisa could pack. They could be prepared to leave at first light tomorrow. She’d still help with the funeral however she could while they packed, as a matter of course.
But no, this was all falling in line well. She swallowed around the lump in her throat. It was all for the best.
They walked in silence for a moment. Natalie took in the surrounding gardens. The hills. Mountbank itself. A part of her still preferred London. She suspected that it always would.
But a part of her loved Mountbank now as well. She had not realized until this moment how fond she was of it. She knew the servants. She knew the gardens. She had a favorite spot in the sitting room.
It had come to be a home to her. She would miss it dearly. Just as she would miss its master.
Then Lord Ridgecleff spoke.
“It has occurred to me…or, rather, it was brought to my attention that there was a misunderstanding going on between us.”
Natalie’s breath caught in her throat. Did he know, then? Was her secret out?
She could not stand to see pity in his eyes. Not from him. Not the man she had first resented and then come to love.
Let him be annoyed by her. Let her frustrate him. Let him think her childish or selfish. But pity? No.
“My brother has made me aware of something,” Lord Ridgecleff went on. “Something that I dared not hope for.”
He stopped walking and turned to face her.
Natalie could bear it no longer. He must be speaking of her plan. Somehow her thoughts must have betrayed themselves to the younger Ridgecleff and he had disclosed something.
“My lord,” she blurted out. “I must tell you something of great importance. And I think that it is the same thing of which you are about to speak.”
Lord Ridgecleff looked taken aback. “Very well then. It is the honor of the lady to speak first.”
Natalie drew in a deep breath. “I must first thank you for your hospitality. And your patience with me. You have born my initial reprehensible behavior as few other men could.
“I am in awe of your ability to take me in such good humor. I hope that I have managed to impress upon you my regret regarding my former behavior. And my eagerness to improve upon it.
