Because more than anything, Phoenix now accepted that Rachen had wanted it to be so. Rachen had loved him, and for that love, he’d sacrificed himself. Phoenix couldn’t disrespect that choice. And yes, in his heart, he had hoped that the second Rachen had been right in that Phoenix would find a way to get his lover back once he was here.
But as he looked around, Phoenix saw no sign of Rachen. Even in the off chance that his powers would have been able to reform Rachen’s body, Phoenix would have needed Rachen’s soul to do that. Sadly, as the phoenix, he knew all too well that some souls had a way of vanishing before one could even blink an eye, like tendrils of smoke disappearing in the wind. It seemed that Rachen’s was like that, because Phoenix couldn’t see it or feel it at all.
Footsteps sounded behind him, and Phoenix was distantly aware of the cliffside being invaded by draechen soldiers. A hand pressed against his shoulder, and Phoenix turned, only to face Sagenamadeen Zager. “Your Highness, are you all right?” he asked.
Phoenix just stared at the ice dragon. He remembered turning Sage and his mate into ice statues, nothing more but replicas of their former selves. Sage frowned slightly, tilting his head as if he was trying to figure something out. In the end, his confusion seemed to melt into renewed concern. “Your Highness?” he inquired again.
Sage clearly didn’t remember anything from what had happened in that second world. Had it even been real at all, or just a figment of Phoenix’s imagination? Phoenix didn’t know, but he wondered if it even mattered at all.
When Phoenix still didn’t reply, Sage picked him up and carried him in his arms. It felt wrong to have anyone but Rachen holding him like this. But Rachen was gone, and Sage’s grip on him had no sensual undertone. If Phoenix had to guess, Sage merely planned to take him to see a doctor.
Confirming Phoenix’s guess on Sage’s intentions, the ice dragon asked, “Can you hear me? Could you tell me where you are hurt?”
Phoenix might have actually laughed if he could have moved a muscle. He hurt everywhere, and yet, he felt completely numb. There was a raw, bleeding wound where his heart should have been, and his brain just kept flashing to the last moments he’d spent with Rachen. In every corridor they walked through, he saw Rachen. Rachen’s voice echoed in his ears, saying, “Marry me. I love you.”
How could Phoenix focus on anything else? How could he even think or feel, when his mate was gone? He was practically dead, too, but he couldn’t actually cease to exist because of the very nature of the phoenix, that accursed magic that had been the cause of all of this. If not for his magic, the Ancient Horror would have never been drawn to them in the first place. Rachen wouldn’t have had to sacrifice himself to keep that creature from stealing Phoenix’s energy. They could have gotten married and started a new life, had hatchlings just like they’d wanted.
That would never happen now, none of it would. Phoenix’s dream of freedom was meaningless, because he’d now become trapped in a prison of self-loathing and agony that he would never be able to escape.
Lieutenant Zager kept trying to make him react, but Phoenix ignored him. He only snapped out of his trance when, unexpectedly, they ran into Sari.
The ice dragon opened his mouth, but Sari didn’t allow him to speak. “Quickly,” he said, “bring him to his quarters. He’ll want to be around Rachen’s things right now.”
Phoenix blinked in surprise. It seemed clear that Sari knew about Rachen’s death. Had word of it traveled so quickly around the palace? Just how much time had passed since Rachen’s sacrifice anyway?
Sage complied and carried Phoenix to the quarters he’d once shared with Rachen. They entered the bedchamber, and Sage placed Phoenix down on the mattress. Had it only been a day away that he and Rachen had made love here? It seemed like a lifetime had passed since then.
“Thank you, Sage,” Sari said softly. “I need a moment with Phoenix now, if you will.”
“Should I get a medic?” Sage inquired.
Sari shook his head. “No. That won’t be necessary.”
The ice dragon nodded and took his leave. Sari sat on the edge of the bed and took Phoenix’s hand. It was strange to see him like this, visibly pregnant, the tattoo marking him as Karein’s mate visible around his wrist. He remembered himself shouting “Disappear!” and winced. How could he have done that? Knowing everything Sari had built, the strong relationships of love and friendship that extended all throughout the paranormal world largely because of Sari, how had he allowed the phoenix to kill Sari?
And then, Sari started to speak, and his words shocked Phoenix so much that he found he could actually focus on them.
“You know, I was very scared,” Sari said. “When I saw what was happening to my mother, I was terrified. And then, you turned your power onto me, and I knew there was nothing we could do to stop it. I thought it was all over, that the world would burn in the flames of the phoenix, that I’d failed Karein and I would lose everything because of it.”
His voice trembled with emotion, but he didn’t let go of Phoenix’s hand. “You remember?” Phoenix heard himself ask.
“Yes,” Sari replied. “I remember everything, even what happened after I was gone. Jenarra showed me… I know what the phoenix did to Karein.”
Phoenix’s breath caught. He wanted to feel guilty, and to a certain extent, he still did, but his emotions could no longer be about Sari or Karein. Even if he acknowledged how monstrous he’d been in acting like that, his true emotional pain was over losing Rachen.
“I killed your family. I killed Karein. I killed you,” he answered. “I killed Rachen.”
Sari’s expression softened. “No, you didn’t do any of that. I don’t believe that you, the Phoenix I know, would have harmed us. It was that other creature.”
It would have been easy for Phoenix to agree and blame it all on an outside force, but he didn’t think it was exactly true. “The phoenix followed my cues. It followed my hatred, my resentment. My emotions fueled its actions, so I’m responsible for it.”
“Maybe that’s true,” Sari answered softly, “but you know, Phoenix, people are made out of instinct and emotion, of flesh and spirit. Our bodies crave food, rest, shelter, sexual satisfaction, and our souls need togetherness, love, security, friendship. When we belong to a society, when we marry and have children, those needs are satisfied in one way or another. But the phoenix didn’t have any of that. You didn’t have it. Rachen was the one stable, beautiful thing in your life—and he was gone. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I would have had the courage to do what you did, to give my mate up for the greater good.”
Phoenix pulled his hand out of Sari’s grip. “Do you have a point here, or are you just saying this to hurt me? I know Rachen is dead. You don’t have to twist the knife.”
“I’m sorry,” Sari answered quickly. “That wasn’t my intention. I just think… I truly think that I was in the wrong. I had that vision and I demonized you, and I didn’t know or understand your motivations. Even when I tried to trust you, I never fully put my heart into it. It was my fault, too, that it even got to that point. I want you to know now, that you are not alone in this. You don’t have to carry the burden on your own anymore. We will help you.”
It was actually a generous offer, taking into account everything that had happened, but Phoenix couldn’t help but feel that it was also presumptuous of Sari to make it. “Nothing and no one can ever replace Rachen,” he replied bitingly.
As he spoke, the door opened and Karein walked inside. Phoenix looked at him, and for some reason, his heart started to race. Of course, even if Karein was nearly a perfect copy of Rachen’s physical form, the black dragon couldn’t give Phoenix back what he had lost. And yet…why did Phoenix feel like this just at the sight of Karein? Was it self-alienation? Was it denial? How could Phoenix dare to experience desire over someone who wasn’t Rachen?
“We would never presume to try to take Rachen’s place,” Karein said, his voice making a shiver run down Pho
enix’s spine. “I love and respect my brother too much for that.”
Phoenix couldn’t handle this any longer. He couldn’t take seeing the man who looked so much like Rachen in front of him. Just taking in Karein’s visage was a particularly cruel brand of torture, especially when his body responded to it, when Phoenix found himself wanting to reach out and kiss those full lips.
“I think you should go,” he told the black dragon.
Karein didn’t comply. Instead, he approached even more, not saying another word, just scanning Phoenix with that gaze so much like Rachen’s, but still so different. He stopped right next to the bed, silent and far too close for Phoenix’s comfort. In fact, if Sari hadn’t been there, Phoenix suspected he’d have jumped Karein and torn the dragon’s clothes off.
As Phoenix berated himself for his wantonness, the darkness out of Karein’s hair and eyes bled out, leaving red behind. “Do you really want that, baby? Do you really want me to leave?”
Phoenix’s heart nearly stopped. He took in the sight in front of him, not daring to believe that it was true, afraid that he’d lost his mind and was imagining things. “R–Rachen?” he stammered.
The draechen nodded and smiled widely. “It looks like, because of the time I spent within Karein, my soul is still very strongly connected to his. When my body vanished, I ended up like this again. I suppose that what you did in the other world could have encouraged it, too.”
“I…” Phoenix glanced toward Sari, who was still sitting on the bed, smiling. “Is this for real?”
“We wouldn’t joke with such things,” Sari chastised him. “Besides, you feel it, don’t you?”
Yes, Phoenix did feel it, but he couldn’t trust himself, couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t wishful thinking on his part.
And then, the dragon leaned over him and pressed their mouths together, and instantly, Phoenix knew he’d been wrong to be afraid. Rachen’s distinctive taste and scent assaulted him, and Phoenix’s heart leapt with the knowledge that his lover was by his side again. The numbness within him disappeared in the heat of Rachen’s desire.
It should have been strange, because this was, after all, Karein’s body, but it wasn’t. Rachen held him the exact same way Phoenix remembered. He devoured Phoenix with the same lust and fire that had always existed between them. When they broke apart, Phoenix’s mind whirled with hope, need, heart-wrenching love and even a touch of disbelief.
He held onto Rachen’s arms, feeling like if he let go, Rachen would disappear on him. “I can’t believe you’re back,” he murmured.
“Well, I suppose I had help,” Rachen answered.
In that moment, Phoenix remembered that Sari was still there, and had watched the entire scene. Phoenix had completely put Sari’s presence out of his mind, which was a little embarrassing.
“Err… Sorry,” he told Sari sheepishly. “I forgot.”
Truth be told, his apology was only halfway honest, because he didn’t regret kissing Rachen, no matter what the circumstances had been. However, the fact remained that this body didn’t belong to Rachen, but to Karein, Sari’s mate. Phoenix had to respect that.
“Don’t be.” Sari patted his hand. “Karein and I expected it. Besides, it’s not like it’s Karein you were kissing.”
No, but that didn’t change the awkwardness in the situation—not to mention that Sari was unlikely to be so permissive every time Phoenix craved to kiss his mate. Decision coursed through him and he took hold of Rachen’s hands. If he had managed to somehow change history, he could also use his accursed power for the one thing he wanted most in this life, Rachen.
“I’ll ask for one more kiss then,” he told Sari.
If Sari didn’t like Phoenix’s request, he didn’t say it. Instead, he gestured for Phoenix to go ahead. It was far more generosity than Phoenix had expected, than he himself would have been able to muster.
With the permission given, Phoenix searched for the power within himself, the same one that had destroyed their world and rebuilt it from the ashes. He was tired after the effort of changing things back to normal, but the fatigue had already been pushed aside by the knowledge of Rachen’s return and the fire of Rachen’s passion.
He thought back at the despair he’d felt when he’d seen his mate die, when his bond with Rachen had been broken. It wasn’t easy to recreate a body from thin air. Flesh was just energy and deeply connected with the powers of the earth. However, Phoenix’s abilities had fully become unleashed by erratic despair. To actually release them again, for the purpose of bringing his mate back, was a tremendous risk. He could easily unbalance the veil between life and death. But he had no other choice, and he refused to lose this chance to be reunited with Rachen.
Phoenix brushed his lips over Rachen’s once again. He poured all his need and love for Rachen into that kiss, channeling the full extent of his energy into it. Rachen shuddered, and their bond vibrated with Phoenix’s power, with his mate’s desire to be with him.
Phoenix clung to that, pulling his mate’s soul toward him, trying to mold Rachen’s spirit into a physical form. It was hard, just as hard as Phoenix had expected, or perhaps even more so. Karein’s body rebelled against Phoenix, and Phoenix experienced a small moment of hesitation when he wondered if he wouldn’t accidentally end up casting away Karein’s own soul, like he had in the other world.
Next to him, Sari released a little cry of panic. Sari’s power struck Phoenix, trying to pull him away from his mate. The realization that he was mere moments away from losing Rachen melted into despair once more.
Fire coursed through his veins, and the tears he hadn’t even known he’d been crying dried on his cheeks. With everything he had, Phoenix called out to his mate’s soul. Finally something seemed to click within him, and his world blurred, tilting around the edges.
Phoenix found himself being propelled backward, away from his mate. His head spun as he staggered back, his knees going weak as he collapsed on the floor. For a few moments, he thought that he had failed, but he turned out to be mistaken.
When he could focus again, he saw that two nearly identical men stood in front of him now, a redhead and a dark-haired man. The brunet leaned against Sari, while the redhead immediately reached for Phoenix and knelt at his side.
As he fell into Rachen’s embrace, Phoenix couldn’t help a small sob. It almost seemed too good to be true. After everything that had happened, he couldn’t truly bring himself to believe that Rachen was really alive and well, in his arms. It didn’t help that their mate bond was still in shambles. Or maybe it did… If this had been a dream, Phoenix would have imagined it fixed, right? Gods, Phoenix didn’t even know anymore.
Rachen held him close, burying his fingers in Phoenix’s hair. “It’s okay, baby,” he whispered. “I’m here. I won’t leave you. I promise.”
His breath was hot as it brushed over Phoenix’s ear, and the thump-thump of his heart a steady, soothing rhythm that matched Phoenix’s. Phoenix listened to that sound, and to Rachen’s beautiful words, willing himself to believe them.
His soul still trembled with panic, but gradually, Rachen brought him back from it. When Phoenix actually released his death grip on Rachen, the draechen began to pepper his face with kisses.
Slowly, Phoenix started to calm down. He became aware of the presence of the other two men in the room, and truly wished he didn’t have to face them. Sari would most likely hate him from prodding on ahead with no regard to Karein’s safety. The fae had trusted him, and Phoenix had used that trust and risked it all for his own benefit, and Rachen’s. And still, he had no regrets.
What would he have done if it had failed, and if Karein had been injured in the process? Phoenix had no idea. He didn’t think he could have given Rachen up again for someone else’s happiness.
Much to his surprise, Sari met his gaze steadily and smiled. “Congratulations. I knew you could do it.”
“You tried to push me back,” Phoenix pointed out, surprised.
“You needed the extra nudge.” Sari’s eyes glittered with warmth and understanding. “I didn’t want to attack you, but it gave you a little boost to steady the spell. In some ways, your power highly depends on emotion.”
Phoenix scanned Sari’s face for any sign of deceit or disgust. He saw none, only true gentleness and honest affection. Phoenix had never expected Sari would react like this. Not in a million years would he have believed he’d find such openness. “How do you know? How can you…truly understand?”
“Jenarra showed me,” Sari answered. “I was afraid, so afraid, that I couldn’t see the truth right in front of me. I can’t truly say that a part of me still isn’t wary. But I know now that, together, we can overcome it. You’re more than just the phoenix. You are a man, a person, a mate, and I think that’s what matters.”
He was being honest, and it was almost as surreal as having Rachen in his arms. But if this was a dream… If Phoenix had lost his mind and was imagining things, he never wanted to return to the cruel reality again.
“It’s not a dream,” Rachen told him, as if he could still read Phoenix’s mind and their bond hadn’t been crushed by the ruthlessness of death. “Nothing that was fake could feel like this.”
He cupped Phoenix’s cheek gently, and the nearly worshipful tenderness of the gesture brought tears to Phoenix’s eyes. When he hugged Rachen again, he did so with a sense of relief that he himself could barely process.
“I just wish… I wish I had just done this from the beginning. It would have been so much easier for everyone.”
“You couldn’t have done it before,” Sari said, shaking his head. “You were always very powerful, but now, you’re more in tune with it. You can actually focus it. Besides, I believe that, as regrettable as what happened was, it serves as a lesson, one we needed to learn well for our own world. Wouldn’t you agree?”
Hyacinth, Scarlet - From the Ashes [Chronicles of the Shifter Directive 7] (Siren Publishing Epic Romance, ManLove) Page 25
