by S Doyle
“Bobby,” I said nodding.
“Jake.”
That was it. It was clear Bobby was putting something together to be shipped. He was taping up a box pretty soundly. Maybe sending some of his dad’s things to Jefferson. Rumor was Mrs. MacPherson wouldn’t let Mr. MacPherson back in the house.
I moved around him to the counter. It was a small post office, like anything else in Riverbend, and only had what a person needed.
“Hank,” I said. “There should be a package for me.”
I had ordered a new type of insemination device. Basically I had been using what amounted to a turkey baster, but this new thing was something Don had recommended that I wanted to try. Anything remotely exotic when it came to ranch equipment had to be ordered online. It had been a few days and I had to think it would be here by now.
Sure enough, Hank was walking back with a box that looked to be the right size. I didn’t even think about it. I took the box and assumed it was what I had ordered. There was a pair of scissors on the table where Bobby was finishing up. I took them and cut the tape and split the box down the middle. I was anxious to see what it looked like.
I opened the flaps of the box and maybe the pink should have given something away. Something that would have made me stop.
But I was so certain of what it should have been that when I pulled the pink box out of the larger box, I froze.
I heard Bobby snorting, then full-on laughing.
I shoved back what had clearly been a female sexual device, and covered it with the packing paper.
“Guess that’s proof enough you’re not fucking her.”
My face was without doubt as red as it had ever been, but as I looked over at Bobby, who was still snickering, suddenly the embarrassment was gone, replaced by anger.
“Shut your fucking mouth.”
“Poor Ellie is so desperate she needs toys now. Why don’t you just put her out of her misery? Oh wait. I forgot. Didn’t I just see you out on a date with someone else?”
I moved toward him and he had the good sense to take a step back. “I was right,” I said. “All that shit about growing up was a cover for what you really want and can’t have. Someday you will figure it out, Bobby. You are nowhere near good enough for Ellie. Deal with it.”
I took the box and shoved it under my arm. I stormed to my truck and tossed the box onto the other seat, realizing the whole time I was going to have to go home and tell Ellie I opened her freaking dildo in front of Bobby MacPherson.
I had a suspicion that was not going to go well.
Ellie
“You what!” I screamed at him even as I took the box he was holding out.
“It was an accident. I didn’t intend to… I thought it was this new inseminator I ordered.”
I looked down at the open box. “It has my name right there. RIGHT THERE!”
At least he had the decency to look ashamed.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t even think to look. And there is something else…”
I closed my eyes. “Oh god, tell me you weren’t with Carol.”
“I wasn’t with Carol. I picked it up after our lunch.”
I glared at him. The way he said it so casually.
Our lunch.
Their date. Like those words weren’t soul destroying. Except of course he didn’t really know what they were doing to me, because I was putting on a brave face. That was me. Ellie the Brave. All crying was saved for late at night under the covers and in the shower.
At this point I didn’t even care what he said. He was officially dating Carol, and nothing really mattered. I didn’t even want the damn toy anymore. It’s not like I could imagine kissing Jake to work up any arousal. Not when I knew he was kissing someone else.
Had he kissed her? Like he’d kissed me. Had it felt the same way? Was it always like that for him? He said it had been intense between us. Was it intense with Carol?
Oh god, I couldn’t stand this feeling. I had to find some way to stop thinking about him.
“What?” I asked snapping at him. “What is worse than you opening my dildo in public?”
He couldn’t even look at me when he said it. “Bobby MacPherson was there.”
“Shoot me now.”
“Look. It’s embarrassing. It was embarrassing for me too. But he said some shit… I’m telling you, I’m right about this guy. I want you to be careful around him.”
“Because he has a thing for me.”
“Yes.”
“So stay away from the guy who actually wants to hook up with me. That’s not the greatest strategy in the world for losing my virginity.”
He winced, and that felt good. Hurting him a little felt really good. Which was awful I knew, but he had no idea what he was doing to me.
“Don’t get squeamish, Jake. That is my end game. It’s why I bought the damn thing in the first place. I’m having a hard time with… well… it doesn’t matter. I’m saying a girl should practice when she’s getting ready for the main event.”
His head snapped up. “Are you dating someone?”
“Why would you care?”
“Ellie, if you’re dating someone… if you’re thinking of having sex with someone…”
“Condoms. I know.”
He winced again.
“I meant to say that if you’re seeing someone, I should know who he is.”
“Oh right.” I laughed, but it sounded harsh. “So you can give him the classic Jake stare-down. Like you did with Riley last year. Like you did with Bobby on graduation night. Trust me when I tell you, you will never know the name of the first guy I fuck. I’ve learned my lesson.”
That was a direct missile to his gut. I actually saw it land. This time he didn’t wince. It was like his whole body shuttered.
“I thought we were friends,” he said, as if he was asking himself and not me.
I swallowed. We were friends. But I was in too much pain because of him, and it was really hard to be in pain and not want to inflict some back. Two people inflicting pain on each other could not be friends.
“I get it, Jake. You want to be with Carol and you want me to be with some guy, who you approve of course, so that we can go back to the way things are. That is a fantasy you have. It’s not reality. We can never go back. Only forward. Whatever we’re going to be, we’re only going to know what that is going forward.”
He closed his eyes. “I’m trying so hard to do the right thing.”
I walked by him and patted him on the shoulder. “I know you are. I know. You’re a good guy, Jake. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.”
I left him and took my sex toy upstairs, shoving it under the bed, so I wouldn’t have to think about it.
Forward. That’s what I had told him. I couldn’t see what that looked like, but I didn’t think if we kept doing this to each other, hurting each other, that it would be very friendly at all.
Eight
Jake
October
I was hurting Ellie. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Me seeing Carol was supposed to help things. But it wasn’t until after the package fight I realized it. She was angry and she wanted to hurt me. The only reason Ellie would do that is if I was hurting her.
She didn’t like me seeing Carol. Hell, I hadn’t even done anything with Carol yet. I wasn’t lying when I told Carol I wanted to go slow. We’d had lunch. That was it. I was taking her out to dinner tonight. Nothing else.
But in the two weeks since that fight over the dildo, things had changed. It had been subtle at first. Ellie stopped watching TV with me at night. Said TV was a waste of time and she wanted to spend more time reading. Which was horseshit, because Ellie loved TV. Except now she didn’t. And because the TV distracted her, she did her reading in her room.
I didn’t think too much about it at first. In fact it was probably a good thing we didn’t hang out as much as we used to.
Then she stopped eating with me. Breakfast and lunch we were on our own. However, we a
lways ate dinner together. Then she started finding excuses to cook in the middle of the day, leaving a plate for me in the fridge with a note.
Or if I was cooking, she usually picked those nights to head into town to see her friends.
Except I had no idea who she was seeing because Karen, Chrissy and Lisa, who I knew were her best friends, were all at different colleges around the state. Which led me back to this guy she might or might not be dating who she was planning to fuck (her words.) Not that I could ask about that.
Still, I made sure to cook for both of us and leave her a plate. Sure enough the next morning she would have eaten it, cleaned the plate and put it away.
During the day, forget about it. All her tasks were getting done but I never saw her. If I was moving cattle she was back at the house. If she was moving cattle I was fixing fence line.
I could have forced the issue. I could have said we needed two people to push the cows to different grazing areas.
I didn’t because it was obvious she didn’t want to see me.
That had to change. I was doing this thing with Carol to help us, not to hurt her. And I had absolutely no plans on getting the silent treatment from her for the next three years.
Which was why I was waiting in the kitchen this morning for her to come down. I had shit I needed to do, but I was done playing this game.
I was on my second cup of coffee when I heard her coming downstairs. When she came into the kitchen and saw me, I knew she was startled.
“You’re usually gone by now.”
Yep. No good morning Jake. No smile. God how long had it been since I had seen her smile?
“I wanted to talk.”
“About what?”
“I’m not going to be home for dinner tonight. I’m taking Carol out.”
I watched her face, but it was carefully blank. Too blank. She was hiding something.
“You waited around the house to tell me you had a date with your girlfriend? Seriously?”
I balked at the word. “She’s hardly my girlfriend. We’ve hung out a few times and had lunch.”
“I don’t need a recap.”
“Look, this thing with Carol… this is not going anywhere. She’s only in town for a couple of weeks at best.”
“So?”
“Well, if you’re worried that this is going to turn into something, that we will be back in the same position we were with Janet, I want to make it clear that’s not the case. You’re pissed at me. You’ve made yourself as loud and clear as possible by being absolutely silent. What I’m trying to find out is why?”
“First, you don’t know where this is going with Carol. People start dating and plans can change.”
“Trust me. I know what she does for her job. She’s not settling down anytime soon. This is just…”
“Sex?”
“I don’t want to go there. I’m only saying if you’re worried about things changing around here because of her, you don’t have to be.”
“Got it. Are we done now?”
This wasn’t working. “Can’t you talk to me about this?”
She sighed then, and it sounded sad and it broke my heart. Then she shook her head. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail, like she usually did when she worked outside, and I could hear it swish against the coat she was wearing.
“Trust me, Jake. There is nothing to talk about. There is nothing that will fix this. It is what it is. I’m dealing the best way I can. What more do you want from me?”
That was when it hit me.
I wanted my Ellie back. I wanted my friend back. I wanted my partner on the ranch. My buddy who I watched TV with, my family who I ate dinner with. I wanted the girl who smiled so wide it made you feel good when you saw it.
I wanted the scales to change.
“I miss you,” I said.
It was honest. It was how I felt. That was supposed to be a good thing. I was a man. Men didn’t normally share their feelings so openly like that. I figured by putting myself out there, by showing her how important our relationship was to me, she might understand.
The look of horror on her face suggested something else.
“Fuck. You. Have on fun on your date with Carol tonight. Asshole.”
She turned and headed out the back door before I could get another word out.
That hadn’t gone like I hoped.
“Do you like my dress? I wore it especially for you.”
I looked at Carol’s dress. It was a nice dress. Black and sexy.
“Very nice,” I said with a smile. At least I think I was smiling. I know what I wasn’t doing. I wasn’t focusing on Carol very much, and that wasn’t fair. I was still reeling from the full-blown loathing I had gotten from Ellie that morning and trying to understand it.
Sure, I understood it. I wasn’t stupid. She thought… she had feelings for me. Feelings that I shot down. FOR HER OWN DAMN GOOD. Now I was trying to show her we both had to move on if we were going to get back to any kind of equilibrium, and it was hurting her.
Okay. It sucked. I remember being a sophomore in high school and crushing hard on Alice Samberg. I had done everything I could to show her I liked her and then I’d found out she had started dating Joey Eastman, who was a junior. It had totally blown.
I was not oblivious to the feeling of rejection. But Ellie had to understand something too. She hadn’t been rejected. I did care for her. I did want her. I simply could not have her. To protect her. To protect her future. My future, too.
She needed to get over this Carol… “Bullshit.”
“I’m sorry?” Carol asked.
“Huh?”
“You said bullshit. Are you saying you don’t like my dress?” Carol was smiling as if she knew that couldn’t possibly be true. What man wouldn’t be into a woman looking she did in that dress?
So different from what Ellie had worn when we’d been here back in June. (That’s right. I took Carol to the same restaurant I took Ellie. It’s fucking Montana. My choices are limited. Get over it.)
“Of course not,” I said. “You look amazing.”
“I hope I’m the reason you don’t seem to have an appetite tonight.”
I looked down at my steak. Barely half-eaten. It was something to do, so I picked up my knife and fork and cut into it.
“Tell me more about your life, Jake. I know everything there is to know about your approach to cow insemination, but I’m assuming there has to be more to you than that.”
“I hope so,” I laughed.
“Well?”
“Well, what do you want to know?”
I shifted slightly in my chair. I didn’t want to talk about Ellie with Carol, and really Ellie and the ranch had been my life for the past year and a half.
“Have you ever been serious with someone?”
“Sure. I had a girlfriend, but we ended it.”
“Before you were married?”
“No. While I was married. Remember, it’s only an arrangement.”
Carol reached for her wine. She preferred red. She could order a glass here because she was obviously over twenty-one. Where Ellie could only drink at Pete’s.
I wondered if that’s where she went when she left at night. I should remind her about drinking and driving again. Really reinforce how important that was. Although Ellie wasn’t an idiot. She had to be more responsible than any girl her age for a lot of things.
“How did your girlfriend feel about you getting married to someone else while you were with her?”
I looked up at Carol instead of down at my plate. “She wasn’t crazy about it. But that’s because she was hoping we would get engaged. She understood eventually. I did what I had to do.”
“But it didn’t work out in the end.”
“No.”
You’re falling for her.
The accusation was pretty loud in my head, but I dismissed it. Carol had no right to any of that.
“What about you?” I asked in return. “What happened wit
h your boyfriend?” Please tell me anything so I didn’t have to talk about myself.
“We wanted different things. He wanted to settle down and start making babies, and while I want that some day, I wasn’t ready at the time. He said he didn’t want to wait and I can’t really blame him.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. I was sad. For a long time. Now I’m… ready to move on. You know?”
Yeah I knew. I could fuck her. If I wanted to, I could take her back to… well, I didn’t know where she was staying, as I picked her up in town because she had to do something at the bank before we could leave.
But I was pretty sure I could take her back to her place and do that.
“Do you want dessert?” I asked instead.
She smiled. “Oh yes, Jake. I definitely want dessert.”
I pulled my car over to the side of the street. The town was dark, empty. The only place that would still be open would be Pete’s, and even that shut down at midnight during the middle of the week.
Since Carol had her car, I took her back to the bank where she had left it in parking lot.
“This was fun, Jake,” she said.
“I’m glad.”
“Do I get a kiss goodnight?” she asked, leaning towards me with a quiet sexy whisper.
“Absolutely,” I said, turning my head to her. I tried to get into it. She was hot, she was pressed up against me in this sexy-as-hell dress, her tongue was in my mouth and I was stroking it with mine, and it was fine. Then I pulled back and she pulled away too.
“You make me a little crazy, Jake. Which is actually kind of hot.”
“I like that we’re building to something here.” I had no idea what that meant, but it was something to say.
“When can I see you again?”
“When do you want to?”
“I would love another ride on Isabella…”
“Come out to the ranch tomorrow early. I’m talking sunrise early, and I’ll make time for another ride.”
“Perfect. Night, Jake.”
“Goodnight, Carol.”
She got out of the truck and I made sure she made it to her car safely. That it successfully started and I watched as she drove away. There were no thoughts in my head. I knew because I was making sure not to think about anything but the road in front of me.
