by Ada Frost
“Okay, whatever you’re going to say, don’t. Just shut up.” When they continued to stare at me, I dug an even bigger hole. “Lock it down. We don’t talk about it. Not that there is anything. We have a code. We don’t talk about shit like that. So we done? We clear? It’s not up for discussion.”
It was like talking to statues. They all just silently watched me. I stepped forward to walk around them and paused when no one said anything.
“What?” I huffed. They all spoke at once.
“You’re in love.” Lou clapped her hands.
“You have a girlfriend.” Emily teased.
“Her dad will kick your ass.” Will stated.
“My son’s got game.” Jo announced proudly, which earned a slap from Lou.
I held up my hand to stop the cacophony of shit. I pointed at Jo. “You need to get that kid under control. Stealing another man’s woman is not cool.” I pointed at Will. “He tried, unsuccessfully.” I pointed to Emily and grinned. “Yep, I do.”
There was one thing I was avoiding because Aloura was going to be the first to hear those words. I wrapped my arm around Lou’s shoulders and hugged her to me. “I love you. Are you ready to upgrade to a better man?”
Lou hugged me back. “I love you too, but you’re too good of a brother to replace.”
“Damn it.”
“Okay, shit for brains. Stop muscling in on my woman,” Jo called from behind us. Emily came waddling up beside me with a ridiculous pouty face.
“You forgot me.”
I chuckled, pulling her into my side as we walked over the green. She was freaking huge. I hoped that thing didn’t pop today. I could handle many things, but childbirth was one thing I was not interested in learning about.
“How’s my nephews doing?”
“Your nieces or nephews are doing fine. It’s their mummy that looks like a beached whale.”
Will came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her belly. “You’ve never looked more beautiful, Pix. If I could keep you pregnant and barefoot always, I would. You’re holding my babies in there. What isn’t sexy about that?”
“Sappy shit,” Jo mumbled.
“Hey, you used to say romantic things like that to me all the time,” Lou snapped, turning to glare at Jo.
“I was trying to get laid, woman. You gave up the goods already.”
“I changed my mind, Ryan. Whisk me off my feet and take me away,” Lou interrupted. She had her back to him, so didn’t see it coming. Jo closed in behind her and scooped her into his arms, laying noisy kisses on her neck. She squealed and fought, but he held tight. As I knew he always would.
They were all ridiculous, madly in love, and for the first time the sad pit that would form in my gut didn’t happen. The only emotions welling inside me were happiness and a desperate need to find Aloura. Because she was my happy.
She was kicking a ball with Alfie and Izzy when we approached. I had never been a fan of public affection. But I needed to touch her. So I headed straight for her. She turned and smiled at me, but when she caught the determination in my gaze, she knew I was coming. I was showing the world she was mine and I was hers.
I cupped her face and planted my lips on hers. Her hands fisted the shirt at my sides.
“I missed you.”
She gazed up at me and released a sigh. I pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose letting her go.
I glanced over at Alfie and pointed to my chest. “My girl.” Grinning, I turned to head over to the picnic blanket Lou and Em had set up when I was hit at the back of the head. I whirled around to see Alfie with his hands on his hips and the ball, which had just whacked me on the head, rolling away.
“Did you...”
“Bring it, big man.”
“Atta boy,” Jo cheered. Will was in hysterics. So much for having my back. I glanced at Aloura, and she had tears in her eyes from trying not to laugh.
“Okay,” I huffed, making a show of rolling up my sleeves. “Dude, you are going down.”
“Dude, you...wait...Daddy what’d I say...talk the walk..,” he shouted over to Jo.
God this kid was a hoot.
“You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?” Jo called over.
“Huh? Okay. Dude you walk...argh…” he screamed as I dashed forward and chased him. The kid was quick, but after a few pretend failed attempts at catching him, I scooped him up.
“Now, do I tickle or do I become the fart monster?”
“Not the monster.” He giggled as I tickled his sides. I laid him on the grass and lifted his shirt before pressing my mouth to his tummy and blowing huge raspberries on him. He squealed and giggled, thrashing about.
“Hey, leave him alone,” called Aloura. I glanced up to see her heading towards us with Molly clinging to her finger. Molly was trying her hardest to run but kept stumbling. When they finally reached us, Molly flung herself at me and tried to pull me away from her brother. I hugged her to my chest and fell backwards, letting out a pained grunt. She giggled, but rested her little head on my chest and hugged me.
“You love me, baby girl, don’t ya?”
“Yep.”
Alfie crawled over the grass and onto my chest next to his sister. “Me too.”
I glanced up to see Aloura watching us with a serene smile on her face. “Do I have your love too?” The words spilled out of my mouth before I realised what I was asking.
Her smile faltered for a moment, and a sickening fear clawed around in my gut. But the longest moment of my life ended when her face brightened with the biggest, most beautiful smile I had ever experienced.
“Always,” she said as she lowered herself to her knees and crawled between my legs and up my chest to rest on her elbows so she wasn’t crushing the kids. I had a sudden vision of us holding our kids this way, playing in the park with our family. Instead of being repulsed or terrified by the thought, I actually ached for it to one day come true. Aloura shifted, making a move to get off of me.
“Sorry, am I crushing you?”
“Stay,” I croaked, emotion suddenly choking my throat. She was it. She was my all. “I need you here.” We stared at one another, lost in each other. She knew. She had to know how I felt about her. I was drowning in the feelings I had for this woman. I was seconds away from confessing everything, pouring my heart out for the world to hear, when Molly released the loudest fart I had ever heard.
Alfie squealed with laughter, and Aloura looked across at the little girl in admirable shock.
“Wow.”
“Mols, babe that was...”
“Meedpoopoo.”
“Looooooooou!” I all but screamed. “Code red! The fart machine needs a number two.” I held Molly out to the side, suspended so nothing, and I meant nothing, landed anywhere it shouldn’t. Lou quickly came over and took a squirming Molly out of my hands.
“Marine my arse,” she huffed.
When she walked away, I sat up, grabbed Aloura, and pulled her back down with me. “Save me sweetheart. My family is insane.”
“I think they’re pretty great. It reminds me of when Mum and Dad used to bring Harry and I to the park when we were kids. Alec was always working super long hours.”
“You miss him, don’t you?”
She released a long sigh and snuggled further into my chest. “Yeah, I’ve only really ever had him. We did everything together. I know you think he was the one responsible, but in my heart I know he isn’t capable of it.”
“I know you do.” I curled my hand around the back of her head and hugged her to me.
“He wouldn’t hurt me. Not like that,” she whispered to herself.
“Hey,” I said, cupping her cheeks. “We will find this guy.”
“He’ll never forgive me for this, Ryan. I know him well enough to know he’s hurt badly by this, and he’ll never – we won’t ever…” She trailed off, and I knew she was fighting back a tumult of emotion.
“I promise, Aloura, I will make this right.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I promise,” I said firmly.
“Okay,” she whispered.
I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her lips. From this point forward I would make it my life mission to make her happy.
My cell rang, and when I glanced at the screen, I saw it was Will’s dad.
“Hey, Dad. What’s up?”
“I need to talk to you about something.”
We drove home in silence.
We entered the house in silence.
He left me alone, in silence.
Ryan received a call from who I believed was his dad. He walked away for a little privacy, and that’s where fun, cute, almost loving Ryan disappeared. When he returned, he wouldn’t look at me. He kept his head down, and when I asked him if everything was okay, he simply nodded and said, “Fine.”At one point I decided to give him a little space and went to play football with the kids. When I returned to the picnic table, he was in deep conversation with Will and Jo, but as soon as I approached, he clammed up and stopped talking.
I knew nothing was fine. It was so far from fine it was thick and gloopy. I slammed about in the kitchen like a lunatic. I was being petulant because he was pushing me away after I thought we had pulled together. I guessed we had a long way to go before we were at the sharing stage. I pulled two coffee mugs out but then put them back, deciding I needed a beer. I yanked open the fridge and grabbed one of Ryan’s bottled beers. He had bought them a while ago, but had yet to drink any.
Well, tough poop, I was drinking one.
I was about to slam the door when I noticed a Mars bar. That baby was coming with me. With my finds tucked safely in my hands, I slammed the door closed and screamed.
“Holy fucking coleslaw, Ryan. You bloody scared me,” I gasped. The idiot was standing behind the door like some freaking sexy ghost.
“Can I have one of those?” he asked, pointing at my stash.
“Beer yes, Mars no. A woman never shares her chocolate.”
A slight grin curved his gorgeous mouth.
“A beer would be good.”
Grabbing him one, I nodded towards the library. I was intending to go to the music room to see if I could hash out some of this frustration on the piano. Turning to walk out of the kitchen and into the library, I stopped at his loud outburst.
“Dad called and he wants to adopt me.”
I turned to look at him, and the poor man looked distraught. This was a huge leap forward for him to come to me without me chasing him.
“What?”
“At the park, Will’s dad called. I call him Dad too sometimes.”
“I know that.”
“Apparently he and Mom have had the papers for years.”
When he staggered to the side and gripped the counter, I motioned for us to go into the library and sit down. I sat beside him, and he pulled me into his lap and buried his face in my neck. I waited him out. This was epic, and I would give him time to process.
“Dad said that he had something important he wanted to discuss with me when they came to visit next month. Well, when someone says that to you, you can’t let it drop. So I badgered him, and he said that he was tired of putting it off and wanted to discuss legally adopting me.”
“Can you do that, with you being an adult I mean?”
“Apparently, yes. He has the documents. Or I should add the amended documents. When they adopted Jo, they also applied to adopt me, but they didn’t feel I was in the right mindset to deal with it. Not in the right mindset? I was fucking desperate to be a part of their family.”
I wrapped my arms around his back and held him tightly.
“Dad said every time they tried to broach the subject, something would get in the way.”
“Why now?”
“He said he doesn’t want to die knowing his son doesn’t carry his name.”
“He’s dying?” I gasped.
“What? No.” Ryan chuckled. “Dad is all about forward planning. Will was financially taken care of before his birth.” Ryan sucked in a breath. I could see the anguish on his face. “He said he was incredibly proud of me, he always has been, and although he isn’t my biological father, I am his son. I'm his...boy.” Tears glistened in his eyes, and I could feel them tingling the backs of my eyes. “He wants his grandbabies to carry his name.” Ryan lifted his hands and cupped his head. “They always wanted me, Aloura.” He was breathing deeply as though the emotional impact of it was suddenly settling in with him. “I told him that I didn’t think they wanted me and just put up with me for Jo’s sake. I didn’t mean to blurt it out, but I was in shock.”
“What did he say?” I asked, wiping a tear from my cheek.
“He started crying. Dad never cries, ever. He’s so fricking calm he makes the ice man appear warm. He just kept repeating that he loved me.”
“How are you feeling about it all?”
“Scared. I asked Will and Jo what they thought, how they felt. Aloura, they made it sound so simple, like I was over reacting.”
“Why?”
“Because they said I was their brother. Legal papers didn’t change anything except my name. Apparently Dad already discussed with Will that the business would be turned over to the three of us regardless. It was Will who had the papers drawn up five years ago when he was still the company lawyer. It all feels terrifying.”
“Why?”
“Because what if it isn’t real? What if they change their minds or there is a reason it can’t happen.”
“I understand your fear. Someone who has lived through the crap you have would be expected to have some reservations. But your family love you. It’s pretty easy really. They sound like they would fight to make this official. It’s time to finally come home.”
“I’ll be one of them.” He rested his head against my chest. I pressed a kiss to the top of his head and rubbed his back. He leaned into me, hugging me close.
“Does this mean I get to call you Mr Senior...officially?”
“Aloura,” he warned. The gruffness of his voice was so damn sexy I clenched my thighs together
“I'm just asking if Mr Sen – “
My yelp of surprise was quickly covered and muffled by his mouth taking mine. When he pulled away, I was breathless and clinging to him. We stared into one another’s eyes. It was the most intense moment I had experienced with Ryan, but I refused to look away even though part of me wanted to.
“What if it doesn’t cure anything?” he asked quietly.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll still be fucked up.”
“Okay. Ryan, loving someone won’t cure the issues they have. I don’t expect our relationship to be fluffy clouds and rainbows. I know you are going to have shitty days. I know you will want to push me away. “
“No.”
I covered his lips with my index finger.
“You will want to push because that’s what you are used to. It’s how you dealt with things in the past. No one blames you, Ryan. No one expects a quick cure for what you lived with. But what we can do, what I can do, is be there when the shadows come. On the days you wake up and feel the darkness creeping in, I’ll hold your hand through it. So it doesn’t feel so lonely. So you know someone is waiting when it passes. We take each nightmare as it comes. We deal with it together. If you need time alone, we deal with that. I know you hate the idea, but maybe you could try seeing someone about your past, the PTSD, your anxiety. I wish I was a magical cure for you, but we need help with this. You deserve help with this. There is no shame in talking to a therapist.”
“I don’t need them. I have you. You silence everything; you make it better.”
I gave him an understanding smile, but tears were threatening to spill. “But what happens if I’m not there?” He stiffened and gripped my back tightly.
“I don’t intend to leave you, Ryan. But we can’t be dependent on one another. I can support you, but I can’t be the cure. That won’t work in the long term
.”
“Are you saying we can’t be together unless I go to some head doctor?”
“No, I will never put stipulations on our relationship. Actually that’s a lie—you can’t cheat,” I corrected. Ryan huffed out a breath of relief and pressed his forehead to my chest. “I want you regardless of the pain you carry. But I want for you to be able to lay your demons to rest. It’s time to stop fighting and live your life. Without the noise.” I tapped the side of his head gently.
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Don’t rule it out. That’s all I ask.”
His head rubbed against my skin when he nodded. I cupped his face and lifted it up so I could see him.
“Thank you,” I whispered before pressing my lips to his.
“What for?”
“For being you.” I kissed his lips again. “Mr Senior,” I added with a small chuckle. His arms tightened around my waist, and I found out precisely how insane calling him that name truly was. Three times.
***
A few weeks later Ryan had been making a few calls in private. He would become a little cagey and retreat to his room for a while to make his calls. I wasn’t worried because I was keeping hope alive that he was trying to find a therapist and was simply embarrassed. So that was the reason I wasn’t badgering him. We had spent quite a bit of time with Will, Jo, and their families these past few weeks, and Ryan appeared to be relaxing so much more around them. His parents were due to arrive in a day or so. They were hoping to arrive before Emily went into labour. She was due any day now. She looked radiant, even though her huge tummy looked bizarre on such a small frame. Will, however, was a wreck. He’d turned into a clucking hen. He was essentially driving Em a little crazy. But the poor guy looked a mess. He was unshaven, looked utterly exhausted, and I was certain at his wits end. Currently he was on the sofa, typing away on his phone.
“How long did Ry say they were going to be?”
“He didn’t, but I’m sure it won’t be too long.”
“I guess,” he muttered going back to his phone.
Ryan had called Will this morning and asked him to come over to stay with me as he needed Emily to help him with something of a delicate matter. I wasn’t sure if it was to give Emily a break from Will’s fussing or to give Will a break. But the guy looked even more stressed now Em was away from him.
