by Taylor Dean
I like my hand in his. I like the way he’s leading me on this adventure, a huge smile on his face. I feel free and easy, like I’m escaping some sort of doom looming behind me.
When Zane realizes we’re not in a crowd anymore, he deliberately releases my hand. I notice his lowered brows as he looks at me, the worry that crosses his features. He’s backing up, reinstating the invisible line between us.
It had to be done. I feel bad that I wasn’t the one to insist upon it. It should’ve been me. I’m promised to Ryker. What must Zane think of me?
A friendship is developing between us. Nothing more, I tell myself over and over. He was holding my hand so we wouldn’t be separated in the crowds. That’s all.
Don’t overthink it, Mila. That’s what he told me last night. I need to listen.
And yet, I want to explore this newfound friendship. I’m looking at Zane with new eyes and my mind is filled with dangerous thoughts.
If my feelings for Ryker are not strong enough to keep me from falling for someone else, then he’s not the right man for me. It’s as simple as that.
It’s not simple for Zane, though. It’s all kinds of complicated. His relationship is already tense with his brother. I’m sure he doesn’t want to make it worse.
Wisps of guilt are floating through me and nagging at my conscience. But this is my life and I have to explore all of my options. The fact is, I’m not married, or even engaged. I’m a free agent.
We wander around, enjoying the Chinese architecture, lamp posts, and red lanterns. The smell of strange herbs and seafood invades the air. It’s as though we have left the U.S. and stepped into mainland China. Everything surrounding us feels foreign, yet captivating. After rambling around the kitschy Grant Avenue, we leave the main street and explore the side alleys. There, we observe a glimpse into the authentic Chinese way of life.
“There’s so much to see, it’s overwhelming.”
Zane bumps my shoulder like a buddy does to a good friend. “Enjoying yourself, though?”
“Yes, I love it. Thanks for showing me around.”
We pass through the infamous Dragon gate, and we watch Chinese ladies deftly making fortune cookies.
“Ready to go eat?” Zane asks after we enjoy a few freshly made fortune cookies.
Actually, I’m filled with trepidation. “Okay,” I say anyway.
Zane takes me to the City View restaurant. It boasts white tablecloths, elaborate Chinese décor, Chinese music playing softly in the background, and small carts holding the much talked about dim sum Zane is so crazy about.
It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. “This is seriously amazing.” I’m having a hard time containing my smile.
He mimics celebratory dance moves from his seated position. “Score. I made Mila happy.”
His casual nature makes me laugh. I’m trying not to stare too deeply into his eyes. I’m drawn to them, like they’re magnets. Does he feel something between us? Or is he simply being nice to his possible future sister-in-law?
The thought is akin to pouring cold water over my head. Especially when he breaks our eye contact. Every time.
We’re just friends. That’s all, I remind myself.
“My dad used to take me here. While we ate, he’d tell me stories about my mom. I loved it.”
“Tell me one. I’d love to hear more about your mother.”
His eyes brighten, pleased with my interest. “They met in college. Every day during lunch hour, she would be sitting on a bench reading a book. He noticed her for weeks before he gathered up the courage to approach her. He said he knew she was the one after speaking with her for five minutes. That’s all it took, and he knew. Just like that.”
“That’s beautiful. I wish it were that easy.”
“Maybe it is.”
Help me, every time he looks at me, I feel like I’m drowning in his chocolate eyes. After last night, I can still imagine the sensation of his hands gently running through my hair. And I want him to do it again. “It isn’t.”
“You must’ve known Ryker was the right one, enough to move in with him.”
Stunned, I correct him. “Ryker and I don’t live together. I moved in after he left for Japan because he asked me to be his caretaker. I’m a wait-for-marriage kind of girl. It’s how I was raised and those beliefs have become a part of who I am.” I press my lips together, unsure why I’m sharing such personal information. All at once, it’s important that he knows my relationship with Ryker didn’t progress that far. Not sure if I want to examine my feelings over the matter too closely.
His expression softens. “Oh, I apologize. I didn’t know.”
Zane looks down and doesn’t comment further. To do so would be traveling into uncomfortable territory, a place called Rykerland. I don’t want to talk about him, either. I’m not positive I know where we stand right now. Everything feels wrong between us. After investing ten months into our relationship, I hate that we’re falling apart.
But we are. Crumbling at the foundation. I’ve felt it for a while now, ever since the non-proposal.
Zane is spontaneous and fun and . . . I’m so confused. My stomach is tingling, my heart’s beating on double time, and my cheeks are permanently flushed. I’m not sure what I’m feeling, but I like it. I don’t want this day to end.
Zane returns to the subject of his mother. “Dad told me my mom had the softest heart of anyone he’d ever known. When she loved someone, she loved them fiercely and unconditionally.”
“She sounds lovely. I wish I could’ve met her.”
“Physically, she had a weak heart. She had to limit her activities or the stress on her heart would be too much. The doctors advised against pregnancy, but she wanted a child, so she decided to do it anyway.”
Wow. He’s a product of the most selfless love known to mankind. “She gave her life for you.”
“She did. I don’t remember her but somehow, I’ve always felt loved by her. The sacrifice she made for me, it . . . changes me every day of my life.”
Underneath his casual exterior, Zane is deep. After expecting him to be the unpleasant, untrustworthy thief, it’s a nice discovery. “I get that.”
“She died of heart failure in her sleep.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Dad says she loved too much. That’s what killed her.”
“I don’t believe that. You can never love too much.”
“He always told me her heart was overworked because she gave away so much love. He said so much love passed through the walls of her heart, it made it burst.”
So sweet in a tragic way. “Your dad’s a romantic.”
“He is. As a kid, I believed him. Of course, I now know he simply wanted me to know how much my mother loved me.”
“I like the romantic version.”
“I do too.”
chapter fifteen
~
THE CART LOADED with dim sum choices slides up next to our table. A young Chinese girl offers a delicate flourish of her hand toward the cart. “You pick.”
“Please choose for me, Zane. I have no idea what anything is.”
Zane makes his selections and the food is placed on the table.
He takes his time to explain what each one is. “These are dumplings with either shrimp or pork in them. This is char siu bao. It’s barbecued pork inside a steamed bun. This is cheung fun. It’s rice noodle sheets filled with shrimp, pork, or beef, folded over and pan fried. This one is wu gok. It’s an intricately made lattice work of fried batter with a ball of mashed taro root, pork, and mushroom inside. Lo mai gai is lotus leaf wrapped sticky rice with chicken, sweet sausage, mushrooms, and scallops on the inside. Choose your poison. They’re all delish.”
Are they? I swallow hard and hope I won’t be sick after experimenting with new foods. I decide to be daring and choose one of each.
Slowly, I take a small bite of each one while Zane watches my expression.
“Well?”
“The
y’re all really good, but the barbecued pork in the steamed bun is to die for.” To my surprise, I have a taste for this kind of food.
“Yes! I knew I’d make you a believer. Soon, you’ll be addicted like me.”
“Do they sell take out?”
He guffaws. “That’s my girl.”
I take another huge bite. “I’m hooked.”
“Sure, you can order take out. But they don’t deliver. You want some, you gotta come down here.”
I close my eyes as I chew. Amazing. “This is dangerous stuff.”
“Right?”
We’re silent for a while as we make fast work of our food.
I wipe my mouth with my napkin. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. Anything.”
“Why don’t you call Debra mother? I mean, you were a baby when she married your father. She’s the only mother you’ve ever known.”
Zane sets down his chopsticks. “My memories are vague, but I remember moments of calling her mom, like Ryker did. She always corrected me and told me to call her Debra. I always knew there was a division between Ryker and me. Ryker was her son and I was not.”
“But she raised you, right?”
“No. She was Ryker’s mom and she took care of him. I always had a nanny. My father more than made up for it though. He poured all of his attention on me.”
“And that upset Debra.”
“Yep. She was always annoyed with me. As a kid, I was well aware of it.”
My heart hurts for him. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey, I’m fine. Stop worrying about me.”
“Why’d you leave the family business? If you don’t mind my asking.”
“I was away from the situation for quite some time when I went off to college. Got my MBA. I had every intention of working with my father, taking my rightful place in the business. It was what my father wanted, and it was what I wanted too. So, I pushed forward and I did it. But the state of affairs with Debra and Ryker . . . got out of hand. Debra was always trying to thwart me in some way.” He stares into space and lets out his breath. “She couldn’t really influence the workplace, but she made Dad’s life miserable by constantly complaining about me. She made Ryker watch my every step. If I took an hour lunch or was ten minutes late in the morning, my dad got an earful. It was a constant barrage. It got worse and worse, the accusations more and more serious. Leaving was the right thing to do.”
He doesn’t mention being accused of stealing from the company. I imagine it’s a sensitive subject. I’ll leave it alone for right now.
“So, you joined the Army?”
“I did. Specialized in explosive ordnance disposal and I’ve never looked back.”
“Do you plan to return to the business one day?”
“Yes, I do. When the time is right.”
“What makes the time right?”
“When the queen mother isn’t screaming off with his head.”
My entire body goes still. “Zane, the way she treats you isn’t right. Don’t let her control your life.”
“I didn’t do it for her. All of my choices were made with my father in mind. Too much stress over the situation was making his blood pressure shoot through the roof. Like I said, it was the right thing to do.”
I’m not so sure about that. I hate that Debra chased him out of the family business. It makes my blood boil. “Why did your father stay with Debra?”
“Good question. He was always a shrewd businessman. But when it came to family, he was the one who always tried to keep the peace. He couldn’t bring himself to give up on Debra and Ryker.”
“Even though it chased you away?”
“We made the decision together. It was something I had always wanted to do. Dad loved my Army stories and lived his adventures vicariously through me. It all worked out in the end.”
I know he’s feeding me a positive slant. But it’s more than that. He really believes the rhetoric he’s fed himself over the years. He’s convinced he did the right thing.
Maybe he did. Maybe the situation was intolerable. It probably has been his entire life and escaping was a relief. I can’t blame him. He needed to get away.
He looks down at the table. “Why am I talking about my father in the past tense? He’s not gone yet. He’s a fighter.”
I observe him as he continues to eat. I wonder who this man really is. Is he the unpleasant and competitive man Ryker and Debra accuse him of being? Is he a thief? Or is he the laid back, easy-going man I see? Is he putting on a show just for me? If he was as competitive as Ryker says he is, wouldn’t he be trying to steal his brother’s girl? I feel his friendliness, his interest, but then I feel the brick wall he slams between us. Like when he released my hand earlier. Or the way he won’t hold eye contact with me right now. Little nuances that scream NO, nothing can happen between us.
Okay, message received. Loud and clear. He’s just being friendly. He’s not trying to pick me up and he’s not being forward.
I’m a horrible person for entertaining the possibilities with Zane. I’m human and he’s . . . gorgeous. Shame on me.
It’s just that . . . a voice inside me is persuading me to end things with Ryker. My crazy interest in Zane is proof that my feelings for Ryker are not as strong as I’d once believed.
A sobering thought.
A group of college students begin to couple up in the small open area in the middle of the restaurant, deciding to make it their dance floor. They steal our attention as they laugh and goof around with silly dance moves to the beat of the lively Chinese music now playing over the restaurant speakers. Until this moment, the traditional music has been soft and soulful, emotion evoking.
Now the music is light and energetic, almost parade-like with its heavy downbeat, inspiring the rowdy group to get up and dance.
All at once, Zane’s hand is in front of my face. “C’mon, Mila. Let’s dance.”
I look up at him and I’m met with his huge smile. How can I resist? Zane is all about fun. There’s nothing intense and brooding about him.
Hand in hand, we join the group. Other customers join in the fun too as we attempt to interpret the music into physical movement. We receive odd looks from the staff, but we ignore them. I’m sure they think we’re all crazy.
We’re breathing hard and laughing as we jump up and down with the music. It’s exhilarating to let loose with Zane. He simply doesn’t have any social anxiety. I love how relaxed I feel with him.
When the song ends, we clap for ourselves. The music changes to the soft and slow poignant tunes once again.
Couples join together for a slow dance and Zane follows suit, taking me in his arms without hesitation. No big deal, simply going along with the crowd.
I tell myself it means nothing and follow his lead.
His arms wrap around my waist and we start to sway to the music.
At first, we’re stiff and it’s more than obvious we’re not a couple who are familiar with each other.
The sounds of the stringed instruments used in traditional Chinese music meets my ears. The erhu, pipa, and guzheng combine with the dizi flutes, taking me away to another time and place.
I move closer and rest my head on his chest. I can’t hear his heartbeat above the music, but I can feel it pounding against my ear in a steady rhythm, like it’s about to break free and burst out.
I feel his arms tighten around me, bringing me even closer. We were so uncomfortable at first, but now our bodies meld together naturally. We’re a perfect fit. He feels natural and right, like I’m where I belong.
I let my hands leave their awkward position on his biceps. They travel up his arms, to his shoulders, and slowly wrap around his neck.
He hugs me even tighter and I do the same until I don’t think a breath of air could fit between us.
I’ve danced many times in my life. Never this close. Never this intimate. I could stay in his embrace forever. Nothing has ever felt so right to me, so mind blowingly perfect.
It hits me then. I’ve never felt so attracted to a man. The strength of my attraction takes me by complete surprise. I mean, his biceps, abs, and chest have no manners and like to stare at me, but I’m guilty of staring right back.
The truth is I’ve been attracted to him from the get-go, but didn’t want to admit it. I’ve been fighting my feelings, trying to remain true to Ryker.
Now I let those feelings take over and consume me. I hold him close and realize this is what I’ve been missing, what I’ve been craving. Zane has the magical ingredient I want. This is it. I’ve found it. I gently rub his neck.
With no warning whatsoever, Zane pulls away and takes a step backward. Surprised by his actions, I meet his troubled gaze.
I feel slightly mortified at my behavior. He must be wondering about my intentions.
I am too. What am I doing?
At the same time, I see the intensity in his eyes, the powerful concentrated stare he’s sending me, filled with uncertainty and doubt. It’s clear he’s shaken to his very core. His eyes tell me his emotions are wild and uncontained.
I take a step back, my reaction primal. I was wrong to think he didn’t have an intense bone in his body. He’s bursting with raw emotion.
Yet I have no idea what he’s thinking. Have I shocked him? Probably.
“We should go,” he says.
Consumed with guilt, I nod. “Okay.”
He’s right, we can’t do this.
Until I figure out my relationship with Ryker, I’m not really a free agent.
This can’t happen.
chapter sixteen
~
NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN Zane and me. Not really. But my mind went there and I can’t ignore that fact. A mental betrayal is still a betrayal.
I bang on the piano keys harder than necessary, releasing my anxiety. The end has been brewing between Ryker and me. It’s time to face it head on. I have to talk to him.
It leaves me in an awkward position. I wish I hadn’t left my perfect studio apartment. I checked. It’s already been rented. That door is closed to me.
