“Really? You’re starting to break a bit, Ava. I can feel it.”
“Four and a half, you better get to it, time’s a ticking.” Ava tapped an imaginary watch on her wrist.
“Okay, okay, so much pressure.” Julia took a deep breath. “I’m not saying that you need to go out and start a serious relationship. I understand that commitment is still not an option for you. But what’s wrong with just going out on a friendly date?”
“It seems pointless. Dating should be the first step in seeing if that someone is marriage material, and I have no desire to look for a husband.”
Pleased with her rebuttal, Ava smirked, certain her statement would silence her long-time friend. She wanted to lick her finger and make an imaginary mark in the air.Round one to Ava.
She licked too soon.
“I see your point, and it’s a good one, but it’s not going to change me bugging you until you cave.” Jules smiled, determined to win this conversation for once.
“I still don’t see what good it would do.”
“Listen, your heart was crushed. I’ve been with you every step of the way and know how devastated you were. I stayed with you all those nights when you cried yourself to sleep. But Ava, it’s time. Even if it’s only a few dates, just to get your feet wet again. You have to trust God to guard your heart. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, just go out and enjoy yourself.”
It had been two years and still a part of her remained dead. Burying her emotions created a safe environment, why dig herself out of that shelter now. Ava twirled her fork around in her food, stalling. “I’m scared, Jules,” she finally admitted.
“I know, but you’re never going to know unless you try.”
“Okay, tell you what. I’ll think about it.”
Julia lifted an eyebrow and gave a look of determining if Ava was serious or just trying to get her off her back.
She was both.
“Seriously, I will think about it.”
“Good. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Discussion closed.”
Ava laid in bed that night wrestling with the promise she’d made to her best friend. Jules’s reasons held merit. She needed to at least start thinking about dating again. She rolled over and sighed, letting the tension release out into the empty room.
There, I thought about it, that’s good enough for now.
The week flew by and before Ava had time to get nervous, Saturday had arrived. This afternoon Kate and Kyle were getting married. She settled on the couch to call her mom before she needed to get ready. Her mom answered on the second ring and their conversation jumped immediately to her week and how the kids did with transitioning after break.
When she brought up professional day her mom’s interest was piqued. “Who did you have this month?”
“I had a police officer from the Rockford Police Department.”He was gorgeous, great with the kids and that smile …Ava stiffened as the thoughts trickled in, hoping her mom would not further question about the police officer. Even over the phone, it would be difficult for Ava to hide all that she was thinking.
Ava’s muscles relaxed as her mom let her move on from that subject and replay the rest of the week. Her mom made conversations easy, and it helped to tell someone about the ups and downs in her life. She had her mom laughing for a solid ten minutes about all the silly things her students had said. The quiet apartment, dinners for one and lonely nights in front of the television had become mundane. Talking with her mom lifted her spirits.
So, do you have plans tonight?” her mom asked, without masking her hopeful tone.
“Actually I do. My friend Kate from school is getting married later this afternoon.”
“That’s right.” Ava knew she had remembered. “Do you think you will go and stay this time?”
“Yes.” She didn’t even try to hide her irritation.
“I’m sorry, Ava. I just know you haven’t had the best track record with attending weddings since yours.”
Ava sighed in frustration. Why can’t everyone just leave this situation alone? She shivered, letting herself remember why she had problems going to other weddings. The weddings her mom referred to were the three she had been invited to in the past two years.
The first had been from the daughter of another teacher at school a couple months after hers. She’d replied “no” right away and had wanted to write underneath,Are you kidding me?
The second had been a friend she’d gone to high school with. Jules had to work that day which forced her to go by herself. She’d made it to the parking lot and then had just sat in her car crying until she could settle down enough to drive home.
The third had been eight months ago when her cousin had married. She’d made it inside the church and had managed to sit through the entire ceremony but chose not to stay for the reception. Was she the only one who saw the progress being made here? She felt good about today, determined to stay and to enjoy herself.
She tuned her mom back in while she gave her speech about how she was such a great catch and that someday the man the Lord had made for her would walk into her life. Ava mouthed the words along with her. When she finally finished, Ava put in her two cents worth.
“Thanks mom, I appreciate that you care so much,” and she meant it. “I should probably get going. I need to start getting ready.”
After their good-byes she clicked the phone off and leaned her head back against the couch. It wasn’t entirely the weddings themselves that caused the setbacks. They were more or less her trigger point. The problems started with the memories that resurfaced when the wedding invitations arrived. She felt the flashbacks coming now but did nothing to stop them.
Already in her mind she transported the memories back two years.
The week afterthe wedding had been brutal. Ava had stayed at her parents’ house for a few days, mostly locked in her old room, crying until she ran out of tears. Her family had given her space. She’d needed time to mourn. School had let out for the summer, so mercifully she hadn’t been forced to face her co-workers right away or try to be upbeat for the kids while she was dying inside.
The one positive had come with her opportunity to keep her apartment. The lease had ended, but thankfully no one had replied to the ad, so it had remained hers. It had been nice to have something familiar, something that belonged to her.
She hadn’t heard from Tim at all after his no show, but a few weeks into the school year he’d blindsided her with an unexpected visit.
It could have happened yesterday by how fresh the memories stayed embedded in her mind.
It was Saturday morning and she had just finished the grueling process of cleaning her apartment when there was a knock at the door. She opened the door to find Tim standing there, head down and hands in his pockets. She wanted to throw up.
“Tim. What are you doing here?”
“Hi Ava, I um … I was hoping I could come in and talk with you.” He cleared his throat, never looking her in the eye. His discomfort characteristics hadn’t changed.
“A little late for that, don’t you think?” she practically spit the words out.
He looked down at his shoes and she had the strongest urge to slam the door in his face. She forced herself to keep it open for curiosity’s sake, despite how his presence initiated her blood pressure to spike. She needed closure.
“Fine, come in.”
Ava turned and walked to the kitchen, leaving him to close the door himself. “I’m getting a cold soda, do you want one?”What? Why am I asking the enemy if he wants a beverage?
“No, thank you.”
It was for his own good. She had already come up with a plan to shake the can before handing it to him.
She grabbed her drink out of the refrigerator, the tab cracking open echoed in the quiet living room while she strolled in, flopping down on the smaller couch. She needed the caffeine.
Ava smoothed back her hair and straightened her sweat shirt, annoyed at her se
lf-consciousness about her appearance. She had spent the day at home which made her lounging attire consist of comfy clothes, no makeup, and hair pulled back in a ponytail. She’d rehearsed this reunion over and over in her mind, but this was not what she’d pictured. She wanted to look stunning and make him drool over what he’d thrown away. She’d imaged herself in the hot pink strapless dress she’d bought for their honeymoon and her hair full of curls and pulled back his favorite way, capped off with diamond earrings and necklace.
This wasnot that look.
He followed her cue and sat across from her on the other couch. She glared at him while waiting for him to begin.
“Ava, I know there is nothing I can say today to make up for all the pain I have caused you. I’m so sorry that I didn’t contact you sooner. I was nervous and not sure what to say. It was selfish and inconsiderate.”
“Well, at least you’re consistent.”
He cringed, “I guess I deserve that.”
“You guess? Do you have any idea how hurtful your actions were to me? How embarrassing it was sitting in that room waiting for you? No warning! Nothing but a stupid letter.” Her words dripped with a bitterness that she’d evidently not dealt with.
“You’re right, I deserve much worse than your words.”
“Well, that can be arranged.” She used the tip of her pinkie finger to dab the outside of her eyes to stave off tears. Determination to not let him see her cry surged.
“You’re here for a reason, so what is it? Are you finally going to explain why you left me, because if not, there’s the door!” she snapped while jerking her head toward the exit.
Tim had a reason that resonated deeper than his mere words written in that heartless letter. She needed him to be honest now and put her out of this misery.
“I am here to explain.” He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands. She wanted to yell,Look at me, coward, but she held her tongue.
“When I proposed to you it was the happiest day of my life. We had so much in common, and I was confident that we would have an incredible life together. The fall was hard, being away from you, but I treasured our time together on the weekends. But the more time we spent apart, the more I became unsure.”
When they had graduated college she’d found her job quickly, but he’d searched all summer and finally had to accept a job over an hour away. Difficulty surrounded the long distance, but they’d both committed to making the weekend trips and phone calls work until they could get married and find a place to live that split the distance. She remembered that time period and how much she’d missed him.
The plan had proceeded well until the winter when she began noticing a slight change in him. One day he seemed fine and the next, distant. When they were together he was warm and endearing, but when they were apart he’d often sounded reserved and impersonal during their phone conversations. No matter how often she tried to dig deeper into why he detached himself, he kept silent and would either change the subject or assure her that everything was okay between them.
“The thing is,” he started rubbing his forehead, “I began hanging out with another teacher at school named Cara.” He quickly added, “Nothing happened, we were just friends, but I became confused as to why I enjoyed her attention and the time we spent together.”
And there it was.
She tried to regulate her breathing and bit her lip to keep the angry thoughts to herself. He began rubbing the back of his neck even more vigorously. If he didn’t get out what he’d come to say, he’d leave with no skin left.
“As the wedding approached, I just assumed it was cold feet, but I kept having this uneasy feeling. I knew I loved you, enjoyed being with you, but I felt like we needed more than just getting along and having a lot in common. Plus, I was starting to have stronger feelings for Cara which were complicating the situation.”
She kept silent, so he continued.
“The week of the wedding I was sick with guilt and desperate to feel at peace about marrying you, but it wouldn’t come. I knew after the rehearsal I needed to end things. I should have told you then, but couldn’t. I wrote the letter in the morning and left it where I knew someone would find it.”
He looked up and she couldn’t hide the tears spilling off her cheeks. It hurt, but she finally had the truth.
“I am so sorry, Ava,” he continued. “I know I handled everything wrong and I should have been honest with you from the beginning. I know I made the right choice, but I messed up by not telling you all of this at the time.”
He started to choke up while speaking and the ice encasing her heart melted a little.
“Tim, I would never want to marry someone who wasn’t sure if I was the one. If you say the Lord said,No, how can I disagree? It hurts deeply, but I will get over you … you seem to be doing fine.”
The observation hurt.
“It wasn’t easy getting over you, Ava. You will always have a place in my heart, but I couldn’t dwell on something that wasn’t God’s desire for me.”
Where is he going with this? Could he already be over me?
“There is something else I need to tell you.” He started rubbing his chin, delaying the inevitable.
“Just say it, Tim.”
“Well, I just wanted you to hear it from me instead of through the grapevine. I thought you deserved that.” His hesitation made her sick to her stomach. “I’ve been dating Cara.” He waited a bit to let the salt settle in her wound. “We’re getting pretty serious, talking about marriage. I thought you should know.”
This last confession knocked the wind out of her. She had no desire to ever get back together with him, but she thought she meant more to him than that. It hadn’t been more than three months since he left her and now he was dating someone already—someone he had spent time with while he and Ava were still a couple—someone he planned to marry. She felt betrayed and worthless. Could she ever trust anyone to love her again?
Despite the many emotions swirling around in her heart, her mind went blank. She felt out of words, not sure if she could even speak. She wished her brothers would arrive to eliminate the problem and protect her. Tim would have been lucky to make it out the door without a black eye or broken nose.
“I, um, didn’t expect this. Not that you’ve done anything in the last three months that hasn’t been a surprise to me.”
“I know I’m a jerk. I just felt like you needed to know.”
“Sure.”
“I messed up so bad in the past, I wanted to be up front and honest with you now.”
He hit a nerve. “Was this really for me or just a way to cleanse your guilty conscience?” She wanted to throw something at him.
“For you, Ava, honestly it was for you.”
She didn’t believe him and yet felt a little bad about what she’d said, just not bad enough to apologize. She couldn’t let the anger and bitterness win, but it did feel good for the time being. Shenever wanted to talk to him again and for that to happen she needed to end this conversation well. She didn’t want to live with remorse and then somewhere down the road have to call and apologize.
“Okay, is that all or do you have any more bombshells to throw at me today?”
“No, that’s all.”
“Then thank you for coming and telling me the truth. I might not have wanted to hear a lot of your confessions, but it’s the closure I needed.”
She stood and walked to the door. He followed behind as his footsteps dragged across the floor.
“Ava, there is just one more thing.” He looked distraught. “Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me?”
The voice in her soul spoke,Forgive as I forgave you.
She hesitated, struggling to find the words.
“Yes, Tim, I do forgive you. If I don’t forgive you, it will do more damage to me than you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling bitterness toward you.”
“You are going to find happiness again, Ava. God has a great plan for
your life. And thank you for forgiving me. You are a better person than I will ever be.”
She wanted to agree out loud, but moved to usher him out of her life one final time. She needed to be alone.
That day had hurt her pride and self-confidence, and it took Ava about a week to snap out of her self-pity before she began the slow, agonizing process of moving on. Through time the feelings of love she’d had for Tim diminished, along with the ill feelings toward him. Freedom did follow forgiveness.
The problem that she struggled with, that hung around her neck like a noose, was being terrified of falling in love again. How would she know if her next love truly meant what he said, or what if she was wrong again about whom she thought the Lord made for her? Heading down that road again overwhelmed her enough that she decided not to let her heart even go there.
She willed herself back to the present, grateful that the flashbacks were no longer as painful as they’d once been.
Ava headed to the bathroom to get ready for the wedding. The weatherman had been correct on the beauty of the day. The sun shined with a warm temperature, uncommon for April in northern Illinois. She chose a black strapless dress that fitted tightly and came down to the top of her knees. She put on black stilettos and her makeup a bit darker than usual. It was fun to dress up. She decided not to put on a necklace.Less is more was her motto. She didn’t want to look cluttered, just elegant.
She grabbed her shawl, purse, and the wedding present and walked out the door, ready to try this wedding business again.
Traffic in the city was insanely busy but sported less crazy drivers than usual. Ava only feared for her life once. The city of Rockford was split down the middle by the Rock River, with a west side and an east side. The main downtown area was dotted with businesses, government buildings, and restaurants. As the city trickled out, it became more populated with houses than businesses. If you kept going you would eventually run into miles and miles of farmland.
Ava’s apartment sat on the east side near downtown. Her school was also on the east side, but out of the city, smooshed among neighborhoods. Rockford didn’t have a history as an exciting city or drenched in historic events, but it was home. She enjoyed the river and all the events and activities that took place around it.
A Rescued Heart (Rescued Heart Romance) Page 3
