“Really? I mean, there has to be something that made that experience different than the one you had in October to have made you act on it.”
Wowza, he looks wayyyyyy pissed right now.
“I don’t know…I guess it’s because she took the pregnancy test at a clinic and the person said it was positive.”
He’s getting awfully shifty over there on that couch.
“What if a technician never administered the test, would Chrissy’s word have been enough or would she have had to drive herself to have the abortion?”
“That’s ridiculous, of course not! I’m not sure what she told you but we got through that ordeal just fine. We’ve been together for twelve years, we got married didn’t we?! I can’t be doing everything wrong.”
“I’m not implying you’re the only reason we’re sitting here today. But I do think Chrissy needs to understand why it’s so hard for you to talk about the miscarriage.”
“I guess I’m someone who needs proof before I get overwrought with happiness or sadness.”
“Kurt, I peed on a stick; a monkey could read the results. What more proof did you need?”
Dr. Maria puts her hand in the air to silence me.
“Let me ask you this, Kurt. If last October, Chrissy took a test in her doctor’s office and the pregnancy was confirmed right in front of you, would that have made the loss of the baby something you would’ve wanted to talk to Chrissy about?”
Kurt’s never been emotionally challenged like this before. I want to save him.
“I don’t see what the point of all this is. It’s in the past, and I don’t think it’s healthy to relive painful experiences over and over again.”
He doesn’t see the point of all of this?! Save yourself.
“It’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to rehash the same tragedy over and over again, but can you tell me what you initially felt? You know, right after Chrissy told you what happened.”
He’s smiling. He’s actually smiling. It’s not a funny smile, and it’s not a disrespectful smile, it’s just a smile meant to inform Dr. Maria that he will not be answering the question. I’ve seen it a million times before, and I’m curious to see how a professional responds to it.
“Okay then. Did you try to talk to Chrissy about the pain she might have been feeling?”
Hold on a minute! HE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT HIS PAIN! I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HIS PAIN!
“No.”
And then he turns to me in his typical fatherly-like fashion.
“But you never tried to talk to me about it, so I let it go just like you did. How am I supposed to know when something bothers you if you don’t tell me?”
He makes me psychotic. My head shakes back and forth, my eyes roll back in my head, and my voice gets lost in my throat. I learned a long time ago to walk away from Kurt when he gets like this because I can’t win, but Dr. Maria nods her head at me to answer him.
“What would’ve been the point of talking to you about that pain when your response to all of my other pain has been ‘stop complaining’ or ‘get over it’? Sorry Kurt, but that miscarriage was the straw that broke the camel’s back of things I tried to talk to you about.”
He completely ignores me and turns to Dr. Maria.
“For the record, I did talk to her about what happened when we were younger. I never felt like it was the right thing to do, and she knew that.”
Excuse me?! Someone hold me back!
“I needed support, not judgment!”
“Hey, I supported your choice! Why do I have to make you feel better about it for the rest of your life? Jesus, what we did was wrong, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. But just like we got over what happened to us eleven years ago, we’ll get over what happened in October.”
“We? We didn’t get over anything. You did!”
Dr. Maria shushes me again with her hand in the air.
“Maybe it’s easy for you to move past things without talking, but your wife can’t. She needs to talk about her heartache and pain, and she needs you to do the same. Doing so will help you both have a more intimate connection. Isn’t that something you want?”
His elbows are resting on his legs and his fingers are like spider webs covering his eyes. It looks like he’s being tortured.
“Something created by the two of you was destroyed…twice. The most healing way to move past that is together. My goal in working with you is to help you feel everything, the good and the bad, together. Are you interested in that?”
“Hold on, I feel! I FEEL like I’ve been made out to be some evil, uncaring husband. Chrissy knows I love her and I don’t like it when she’s sad. But I can only be sad with her for so long. After a while, I don’t see the point in crying over the same thing.”
“How does she know you love her?”
“I tell her.”
“You tell her?”
“Yeah, that’s what I said. I tell her.”
“Would you believe Chrissy loved you if she didn’t eat what you wanted her to eat?”
Holy shit. I wanna crawl under the table.
“What are you talking about?”
“What if she refused to do the recreational activities you ask her to do or wake up as early as you ask her too? Would telling you she loved you be enough for you to feel it?”
Wow, she’s really going for it.
“I don’t do all of that stuff. I don’t make her do anything.”
“Yes, you do, and you make me feel bad if I don’t do it! You compare me to other people, and you constantly remind me that all you ever wanted was an adventurous wife. And if that’s not bad enough, you even criticize the things that I like to do for fun. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, Kurt!”
“Chrissy, let’s give Kurt an opportunity to speak without being attacked.”
What the???? Whose side is she on here?
“Kurt, Chrissy feels like she’s done an awful lot of things for you that are outside of her comfort zone. She did them because she loves you and she wants you to be happy. However, she feels like the relationship has been one-sided in that way. Perhaps you’ve started to notice her reluctance to do things with you that normally she would.”
Surprisingly, he nods his head yes.
“It’s resentment that’s causing the reluctance, and resentment is very dangerous territory in a marriage.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I didn’t think I had to remind her to keep Leo top secret but I also didn’t think she would drop that miscarriage bomb. She’s making me nervous.
“Resentment can lead to all sorts of things…adultery, separation, divorce. So before things potentially get out of control, I suggest you reach across the aisle a little, do some of the things your wife likes to do. To achieve some balance in the relationship, would you consider eating what Chrissy wants to eat or maybe lounge by the side of a pool and do nothing but talk to her for hours? How about sleeping in until noon on the weekends, just for the heck of it?”
Kurt’s chuckling like this is all one big joke.
“This is ridiculous. First of all, I resent the suggestion that divorce is where we’re headed. And second, I made it pretty apparent who I was before we got married and she was okay with all of it then. I don’t know where this is coming from.”
Omigod! I can’t take it anymore!
“No, Kurt! I pretended to be okay with all of it because I wanted you to love me! I was naïve and stupid, but I don’t wanna be those things anymore. And I’m not sixteen anymore, but for some sick reason in this relationship, I still am. I’m a twenty-eight-year- old woman who loves impractical shoes, cocktails on a Saturday afternoon, and coffee late at night, and sometimes all I want for dinner is Cheetos! I love working long hours at the office and sleeping in late on the weekends and NEITHER of those things will make me a bad mother one day. I hate bike riding and camping and water sports and I really hate the stupid outfits you make me wear to d
o it all. I swear to God if I get one more pair of Gortex socks for Christmas, I’m gonna scream. I want you to buy me something you think I want, not what you want me to want. And sometimes, I want you to do things that I like to do without adding your little sarcastic comments that suck the fun out of it. Do you see where all of this is coming from now!?”
Kurt’s staring at me with dragon nostrils and heavy breathing. He’s fucking pissed. For a second, I’m scared, but then relief sets in. I’m glad we’re cracking this marriage open. Let’s see what we really have when we’re exposed.
“Are you two okay? Does anyone need a break?”
In unison, “No.”
“Kurt, do you understand what Chrissy’s telling you?”
“Yeah.”
He does?! Shit, now I’m nervous that he’s actually gonna try to do something to make me happy. It’s all I ever wanted until…I met Leo. Now I’m in too deep with him to let any man, even my husband, win over my heart. I screwed Kurt over by making him think I loved the real him, and now I’m screwing him all over again by making him think I ever could.
“Let’s move on a bit, guys. Kurt, what’s your relationship like with your family?”
Boy, if looks could kill.
“Why, did Chrissy tell you they’re evil or something?”
“No, but she mentioned they make her feel confused and a bit scared at times.”
“That’s ridiculous, scared of what?”
“Come on Kurt, please don’t act like you’ve never heard me complain. I’m always put on the defense with those people, and you take their side all the time. I walk away from every encounter with them feeling like I’m going crazy.”
Kurt slowly takes his gaze from me to Dr. Maria, and in a tone that implies I’m somewhat of a lunatic, “Chrissy comes from a very small family. She’s not used to the pandemonium that ensues in large families like mine.”
“Oh yeah, Kurt…what kind of pandemonium was ensuing the day of your college graduation!? Seriously, I gotta know… what was so chaotic that kept all ninety nine people in your family from celebrating your accomplishment?”
He smirks and shakes his head like I’ve lost my mind.
“How’s that funny, Kurt? They shit on you!” Turning to Dr. Maria, “Please tell me how we can have children when he thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to have them around those people and I think it would be child abuse?”
“Your concern is valid, and I’m not neglecting it. But, I’d like to cover a few other things before our time is up so I can give you some recommendations on what to work on before our next meeting. Is that okay?”
No it’s not okay! An answer to that question could be a clear-cut reason to end this marriage. It wouldn’t have to be about my mistakes. It could be about our differences.
“How’s your sex life?”
Oh boy, here we go…
“What sex life? She’s always working or tired.”
“No I’m not. I just don’t want to.”
He’s looking at me like I just shot his dick off.
“Then why do you tell me you’re tired all the time?”
“I’m tired of you telling me what to do. Really Kurt, do you expect me to get on all fours and DO IT after you just got done telling me to take three more bites of chicken? It’d be like having sex with my dad.”
Or like cheating on Leo, but let’s stay focused on today’s agenda.
“Jesus Christ, Chrissy, what’s wrong with you?”
“What’s wrong with me? Did you hear what I just told you? It’s no wonder I’ve never been able to have an orgasm with you.”
I stand corrected. That’s the look of having your dick shot off.
“That’s a fucking lie and you know it!”
“Hold on, Kurt.”
Thank God Dr. Maria butted in because I feel like I’m about to open up a twelve-year-old can of whoop ass on this guy.
“A woman has to feel cherished, admired, for her to want intimacy with a man.”
See, admiration! I knew it!
“Let’s start with some effort to address a few of Chrissy’s wants and needs, and we’ll see where the intimacy goes from there.”
Kurt’s screwed and not in the way he wants to be. There’s no way I’m having sex with him and Leo. I might be a lying, cheating, adulterous bitch, but I’m no skank and there will be NO double dipping! But let’s be real, there’s no point in worrying about fighting off Kurt just yet because what are the chances he’s actually gonna try to address my wants and needs?
We wrap up the session with Dr. Maria’s request to see each of us individually for a few months and then we’ll re-group after that. Kurt’s like “whatever,” and I’m like “sounds fine to me.”
I’m glad we drove separate cars to the appointment, because I need a few minutes alone to prepare myself for the war that’s gonna break out when we get home.
“I guess I’ll see you at home, Kurt.”
“Wait, babe. You know…you might’ve been right about some of that stuff in there.”
Whoooooda huh!? Never in a million years did I expect him to say that.
“Do you wanna grab a beer and some of those appetizers you’re always talking about before we go home?”
Apparently the chances of him addressing my needs aren’t as low as I thought.
As I look into the eyes of the man I once thought of as my knight in shining armor, I want to be happy with the little bit of effort he just mustered up. But I’m not. And the joylessness filling my soul helps me to answer all of the questions I had surrounding my motive for bringing Kurt to therapy. I didn’t bring him with me to save the marriage; I brought him with me to end it. I don’t want appetizers. I want my freedom. I’ve been forcing myself, Kurt, and Dr. Maria to believe it was things like eating cupcakes for lunch and sleeping in late on the weekends that would make me happy, but if I choose to settle for things like that…well, that’d make me the handschuhschneeballwerfer. What I want is so much bigger than that stuff. I want an intimate hand on the heart kind of connection with a man, and it’s time to confess to everyone, mostly myself, that I’ll never have it with Kurt.
But freedom’s gonna come with a hefty price…I’ll be called a failure, a cheater, and the bad guy. The big three I never wanted to be. The big three that scare me so much that I’ve considered living an unfulfilling Francesca-like life instead of confronting. But dammit, I don’t want to die feeling obligated, unfulfilled, and heartbroken like she did! Those three things kick the big three’s ass! And so there you have it; the big three are my price for freedom. And the sooner I get over what everyone else thinks of the cost, the better. Only I know my life’s true worth.
At tonight’s therapy session I learned that I don’t want the evening to end with jalapeño poppers and garlic cheese fries. I want it to end with Kurt realizing we’re a hopeless cause. I want him to throw his hands in the air and suggest we go our separate ways because he can’t possibly love me the way I need to be loved. I want him to make this easy for me. But that’ll never happen because no matter how fractured we are, Kurt will never divorce me. You see, when he starts something, he finishes it. No matter if he’s lost for days without water on a remote hiking trail or starving because a bear ate his food two days into a five day expedition, the dude never asks for help and he NEVER gives up. Regardless of how exhausting and completely idiotic his actions might seem, he’s committed to the bitter end of whatever it is he starts…unless, of course, there’s adultery involved. But let’s see if I can end this marriage without being exposed as the devil incarnate. I’m gonna look bad enough already.
Yep, tonight’s therapy session taught me one thing. Ending this marriage will be my responsibility, and staying in it will be my sacrifice. I still don’t know which is more daunting.
Good Times
April, 1998
Tonight’s my eleven year high school reunion. Why an eleven-year reunion and not a ten-year reunion like most normal classes h
ave? Easy, everyone from my graduating class is a fucking moron, especially the dude we left in charge to plan this kind of stuff. Oh…he tried to have the reunion on time; he set the date for June 16, 1997, exactly ten years to the date of our high school graduation day.
I was at work when I opened the invitation. It was printed in black and white on a piece of crappy printer paper, and it was inviting the class of ‘87 to “get crazy” at the Stargaze arcade located in the heart of Freakmont. An arcade? What the fuck kind of fun are we gonna have there, and what kind of cute outfit would fit in at a place like that? It’s not like cleavage and high heels would work! But most importantly, I want patron tequila, not pacman! I promptly called our so-called reunion coordinator and told him he was a douche and that if he didn’t immediately send out a notice cancelling the reunion and notifying the class that I would be taking over to plan a more respectable affair, I’d show up to that arcade and make his life hell. He did as he was told. It felt like high school all over again! Good times.
It took a year to finalize all of the details and give our class the glamorous reunion it deserved. Aside from my wedding, it was the most fun I’d ever had planning an event… and I kept it completely hidden from Kurt. Not because I didn’t want him to attend the event with me! Are you kidding, that was the thing I was looking forward to the very most! I couldn’t wait to show up with him and my huge wedding ring and then brag about our new house in Danville. High school Ken and Barbie were definitely gonna show up in full force!
The reason I didn’t tell Kurt I was planning the reunion was because he would’ve just criticized my involvement. He’d go on and on about all the time the planning was taking away from him and my job, all the ways I’d probably lose money on the event, and he’d ridicule my need to always be the center of attention. Okay, so he probably would’ve been right to ridicule me about that last one, but as far as everything else goes, there was no time lost at work to pull off the reunion, and all of the planning I did at home was done long after he went to bed. And Kurt was way off on the money thing. I price- gauged the hell out of everyone and actually profited on the event. I considered it money owed to me after the great economics test fiasco of 1987.
The Life List (The List Trilogy) Page 16
