As everyone’s laughing it up at one of Slutty’s slutty jokes, I reflect on two months ago in Monterey and the morning I came close to telling Leo about my marriage. As he slept, I lightly traced his eyebrows with my finger and watched his eyes dart around behind his closed lids. I studied his strong hands and tried to memorize the location of every scar on them. I stared at his lips, but occasionally had to look away in woozy astonishment as I recounted all the places they had traveled on my body. I thought of all the secrets and painful accounts of his life he had shared with me and that I owed it to him to share back. If it was at all possible, I fell deeper in love with him that morning. But once his eyes were open, his hands were moving, and his lips were talking, I got scared, took away his options and decided what was best for him. I didn’t give him the choice of what to do about my marriage because I thought there would be less pain if I stayed in control. Well, two hours ago at The Red Devil Lounge, he told me I should let him be the judge of his decisions, and he’s right. I have to stop playing puppeteer with his life. It gets us nowhere.
For so long I thought it would be best to end it with Leo, get a divorce, get through my sadness, and get on with my life. I guess I kinda felt like losing him was the price I had to pay for my immorality, and I foolishly thought that once he was gone, I would press on with a divorce a lot quicker. But, as I demonstrated after the Monterey break-up, I still come up with every excuse in the book to suspend divorce when he’s not around. And as I demonstrated by stalking him at The Red Devil Lounge, I can’t get on with my life without him. Nothing changes. It’s starting to look like the only choice I have is to tell Leo my ugly truth and let the chips fall where they may. Nothing changes when I try to strategically position them. Besides, Leo knows something’s going on. He knows I’m scared to tell him something, but even so, he’s right here with me right now. He’s in love with me, and I’m pretty sure he’s strong enough to handle my ugly truth. But…I better double check all that with Taddeo before I do something stupid like let him be the judge of his own life.
“Where’s the bathroom?”
“Down the hall, to the left.”
“You’re not gonna disappear while I’m gone are you?”
“Ha-ha very funny.”
The minute Leo walks away, Taddeo looks extremely uncomfortable.
“Geez, relax, I’m not gonna hurt you!”
No grunt this time, just a glare.
“I know it may not seem like it, but I really am crazy about him.”
Still glaring.
“And I’m not mad at you for trying to set him up with someone else. You’re only trying to be a good friend.”
“Yep, boys will be boys.”
I do a quick head shake at Slutty Co-worker to tell her to shut up and then an eye roll in the direction of the kitchen to tell her to leave for a minute.
“Right…refills! I’ll be right back.”
Once she’s gone, I turn to Taddeo.
“Okay look, I know you’re only trying to protect him, but please try to cut me some slack. I’m not a completely horrible person, just a slightly confused one.”
“No, you look. He’s had it rough these last few years. His parents screwed up a lot of shit for him, and he’s had to scratch and claw for everything he has. I can’t even say for sure I’ve seen him smile since high school. Then he meets you and he’s like the old Leo again. He’s smiling and laughing and making plans. For seven months, you were all he could talk about, and then you left for something like the tenth, and what we both thought was the final time, and he went back to how he was before, but worse. I spent the last month trying to cheer him up, and tonight I finally succeeded and then BOOM, here you are again. I dunno, it seems fishy to me.”
Uh oh, this guy’s intuitive.
“Leo’s never cared about anyone before, so if you’re gonna leave again, make it for good because I don’t want to see him get hurt anymore.”
“How strong is Leo?”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s a little more to my life than I’ve told him, and I’m not sure he can handle the truth.”
“Christ, do you have a kid?!”
“No!”
“AIDS?”
“God no!”
“Then whatever it is, he can handle it. He’s the toughest guy I know, and the asshole’s crazy about you. Man, I don’t care how good looking you are, I sure as hell wouldn’t put up with your shit.”
Slutty Co-worker returned with fresh drinks and Leo returned from the bathroom and with every drink, Taddeo cut me more and more slack. I think he even gave Slutty Co-worker a little lovin’ when I wasn’t looking. The night ended with breakfast and plans to see Leo the following Friday, my twenty-ninth birthday. The question I asked myself at the beginning of the evening had been answered. I went to the Red Devil Lounge to get back together with Leo.
The question now, is when do I tell him about my secret life? It needs to be soon because this lifestyle is starting to take its toll on me. My weight is more Ethiopian than sexy, and my once flawless skin is now wearing bags under its eyes and has an occasional zit. It’s not easy being me.
Surprise!
August, 1998
Every single year, without fail, Kurt goes to the same trade show on my birthday. And every single year, without fail, it bugs the crap out of me… until this year. Sure I feel icky about what I’m gonna do in his absence, but watching him load up the car without an iota of guilt for leaving me alone on yet another birthday and not asking me how I’m gonna spend yet another birthday alone, made the ick disappear pretty quickly. I waved goodbye from the driveway, and once the car was out of sight, I skipped into the house and dedicated the rest of the morning to picking out the most perfect outfit for my date with Leo. I settled on my red Asian-inspired skinny pants and a black satin chemise that looks more like lingerie than a shirt, and I paired it all up with the highest black heels I could find in my closet. Leo’s driving up from Monterey tonight, and I’m meeting him at a restaurant near the Berkeley Marina. Who knows where we’ll end up after that. I can hardly contain my excitement at work, and Slutty Co-worker literally has to slap the smile off my face at least once an hour. Five o’clock finally rolls around, and just as I’m about to head home to shower and make myself pretty, my cell phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Hey girl, it’s Courtney. I’m in Danville! I just got done shopping with my mom and I thought we could meet for a quick drink before I head home.”
“Can’t tonight. Sorry.”
“Oh come on! We never get a chance to be alone. Nic and Kel are always with us. Besides, I need to talk to you about some stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Just some stuff that’s going on between Guss and me. I need to pick your brain. Plus, I want to know what the hell is going on with you and Kurt.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you went from throwing in the towel three weeks ago at MC Hammer’s house to moving back home the same night. That’s what I mean.”
“I’ll be at the Faz bar in fifteen minutes.”
It’s only five-fifteen, and I’m not meeting Leo until nine. Plenty of time. Plus, Courtney’s been there for me more times than I can count. If she needs to talk to me about something, then I wanna listen. And after twenty-two glances at my watch, I finally get to stop listening. I stare at her in disbelief.
“So, that’s it?”
“Well, yeah! I’m sick and tired of the damn Nintendo games. It’s like Madden football this and Killer Instinct that. He’s thirty-one years old and we have a baby for Christ sake! So what should I do?”
“Uhhhhh, I don’t know…throw the damn thing out?”
“Right, I’ll throw it out. Good idea. Thanks.”
What the hell’s going on? This girl has like a zillion years of college under her belt. She’s a Goddamn doctor! It’s not like her to act this stupid.
“So, why’d you move back
home, Chrissy?”
This must be the real reason why she wanted to talk to me and I would’ve obliged in the conversation if she didn’t blow her time on Guss’s ridiculous video game obsession, but I have to get going. I don’t want to keep Leo waiting.
“I dunno, I guess I was still buzzed when he asked me to. Look, Court, I’ve gotta run. I have this work thing at nine…a conference call…with a factory in Hong Kong. Sorry.”
“Oh, right, sure! Hey, can I stop at your house real quick and borrow a dress? I have a wedding to go to, and I’ve got NOTHING to wear.”
Another glance at my watch. Six forty-five. I’m still okay for time.
“Sure.”
I was super annoyed when I left the bar with Courtney. She seriously wasted a lot of my precious get ready time! But on the short drive to my house I started feeling light and happy again as thoughts of the evening ahead played in my mind and any annoyance I had towards Courtney floated away. But half way to my front door, light and happy come to a screeching halt, and I stop dead in my tracks. My head darts to the left, then to the right. I notice Kelly’s car, then Nicole’s car, and then I recognize several of the other cars parked along the street belonging to Kurt’s sisters and brothers, his parents and my parents.
“Courtney, what the hell’s going on?”
“What are you talking about?”
“THESE CARS! THEY BELONG TO PEOPLE I KNOW!”
“Okay, shhhhhhhh, don’t freak out!”
“Why on earth would I freak out, Courtney?!”
“Kurt’s throwing a surprise party for you.”
“Kurt’s in Utah!”
“No he’s not. He’s been planning this for weeks, since you moved and back home, really. I was the decoy to keep you away while everyone set up. Should I be sorry?”
My mind is reeling. Leo’s on his way to a restaurant in Berkeley, I have no way to contact him. He refuses to get a cell phone. Oh my God, he’s gonna think I stood him up! I can’t bear the thought of him sitting at the table all alone wondering where I am. He’s gonna be worried sick, not to mention, Taddeo’s gonna kick my ass!
“I have to go!”
“Go where?! There are forty-five people in your house right now!
Chrissy, stop and listen to me! I called Kurt on the way here, and he expects us to walk through the door any second now. Listen…see it’s quiet in there! They’re all hiding behind your fucking couches ‘n shit!”
I look at my watch and pace around my porch. It’s seven o’clock, two hours until I’m supposed to meet Leo. It leaves me with an hour and a half to think of a clever excuse to leave my party in a sassy outfit and meet my lover for dinner. Jesus, I’m a creative mother-fucker, but I don’t think I’m that creative.
“Let’s get this over with.”
“Over with? I’m confused. You’re astrological sign is Leo! You people are supposed to love the attention, the parties, the…Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh my God, you were planning on meeting Leo tonight, weren’t you?!”
I don’t even fucking care what anyone thinks anymore! These people are ruining my night!
“Guilty.”
“CHRISSY! I THOUGHT THAT WAS OVER WITH!”
“It was…until last weekend when I ran into him. I’m sorry, I can’t stop, Courtney!”
“What you’re doing is so unfair, do you realize that?”
“Hellooooooo, Doctor, I have an addiction! Just open the Goddamn door! I have to meet him at nine, let’s hurry this up.”
Once inside, I’m hit hard with “SURPRISE!!!!!!” I look at the faces of all the people I know. All the people I had hoped to avoid on this day. And for the first time ever since knowing me, my face isn’t giving them what they expect. Eventually their triumphant clapping trails off in confusion, and they stand and stare at my sour puss of a reaction to their presence. As much as I’m predisposed to sing and dance for them…inclined to give them everything they expect in order to avoid this awkward moment, I can’t. That part of me died about five minutes ago. With arms wide open, Kurt comes barreling toward me and with the lips I had hoped to avoid on this day, he plants a big kiss on my forehead.
“Well that’s one of the unhappiest faces I’ve ever seen! Aren’t you surprised?”
“Sure am. Who would’ve ever suspected a twenty-ninth birthday surprise party?!”
Never one to entertain one of my bad moods, Kurt moves along to visit with his friends and family. I don’t see Courtney, Nicole, and Kelly. It’s safe to assume they’re locked in the bathroom, where Courtney’s telling them about my filthy plans for the evening. As soon as people scatter about, I duck back out to my car to grab my cell phone. Once Leo gets to the restaurant, he’ll be calling. Frantically tapping my phone against my outer thigh, I start mulling over a list of lies and excuses to explain why I’m not there. Then I imagine him in his car, looking good, smelling good, listening to loud music, and feeling excited about seeing me and my heart breaks. I can’t lie to that image.
I do my best to avoid the party and it hasn’t been that hard really. I haven’t seen Kurt since I walked through the door. He must be busy manning the grill or recycling something. My parents left about twenty minutes into the spectacle. They’re in my camp and enjoy Kurt’s family about as much as they enjoy their annual colonoscopies. After I give fake hugs and kisses to the Gibbons clan (which by the way, they would recognize as fake if they were sane), I pour myself a ginormous glass of vodka and head to my room to resent them. I’m reminded of how different I am from them as I walk down the hall and listen to their blank laughter and worthless conversation. Why can’t they talk about something interesting, like how to dispose of a corpse without getting caught or how Clinton destroyed whatever moral fiber that existed amongst today’s youth by saying a blow job isn’t sex? But no, I hear someone mention something about a beer can chicken recipe and someone else overstressing the importance of vitamin D. I hate them. They’re so empty.
A glass breaks and the house gets quiet for a moment. My first instinct is to find the broom and clean up the mess, but I resist the impulse to do exactly what they expect me to do. Suddenly my anger about everything turns into vengeance, and I ask myself, “What does Chrissy want for her birthday?” The answer is evident by my trip to the shower. Within an hour, I’m looking at myself in the mirror, dressed up in my outfit as if my night is going along as planned. Why shouldn’t it? No one’s come to look for me. This party wasn’t for me, it was for them. I open the shutters and look into my beautiful backyard. The tiki torches, the fire pit, the shish-ka-bobs, the big ice filled bucket of beer and wine, the laughter. It all looks so pretty, but it isn’t. I walk over to my vanity and one by one pick up the years of framed pictures set up just so. They all look so beautiful, but they’re not. I gently place the picture of Kurt and me from our wedding day back down and decide to go get my real birthday present before guilt gets the best of me.
“Fancy outfit, lady. Got a date?”
Startled, I turn around and face my judge and jury.
“Gosh, I’m surprised at you, Courtney, usually you can keep your mouth shut.”
“I had to tell them, this is too big.”
I’m trapped. I have two choices. I can knock them over and make a run for it or I can plead my case and hope they cover for me when I ditch the party for my date. I walk back to the window as I mull over my two options.
“Stop shaking your head, Kelly, I feel bad enough as it is.”
“How did you…”
As I whip around to address Kelly, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The ridiculousness of my outfit against the backdrop of the surprise party shit show going on around me literally turns me into a lunatic.
“You’ve been shaking your head at me since the moment you found out about all of this!”
“You said it was over with him! You made Kurt and all of us believe you were gonna try, and that outfit sure as hell doesn’t look like you’re trying!”
“Kelly’s right. I
f I knew it was still going on with Leo, I wouldn’t have shelled out a few hundred for this spread.”
“I’ll pay you back, Nic. I’ll pay all of you back! Just leave me alone so I can figure out what I’m gonna do!”
The three of them shoot back in rapid succession.
“You can’t leave the party, Chrissy!”
“Yeah, what’s Kurt gonna think?”
“And don’t expect me to lie to him anymore!”
“No shit, Courtney, and I have you to thank for bringing me here in the first place! And Nicole, I don’t care what Kurt thinks anymore! If I did, do you think I’d be standing here wearing THIS?! And you know what, Kelly? I never asked you to lie to anyone, so say and do whatever the hell you want! I don’t care about anyone anymore and if you don’t like what I’m telling you, then GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE!”
Never in all the years that I’ve been friends with these women have I yelled at them like this. I’m not sure which one of us is more shocked. With wide eyes and hands covering all our mouths, Kurt comes stumbling into the room.
“A little dressed up for the party aren’t ya, hun?”
And then, surprise-surprise, my phone rings. It jolts me and my friends back to the crisis at hand. Ring after ring, we just stand there and stare at my hand holding the phone.
“What’s the problem, babe, aren’t you gonna answer that?”
“Ummmm, yeah. I was supposed to, ummmmm, meet some people from work…you know, before I knew about all of this and…well, uhhhhh, this must be them wondering where I am. Excuse me for a minute.”
“Cool, tell em’ to come to the party! Plenty of food, and ‘bout time I met those people!”
The Life List (The List Trilogy) Page 26
