With more hate in his eyes than I’ve ever seen, he accuses me of being the thing he knows will hurt me the most.
“You’re a quitter.”
With more strength that I ever thought I was capable of, I place my hand on his chest and softly nudge him back.
“Actually, I’m just trying to survive.”
And with that, I close the door on him and all hope of our happily-ever-after life together. I watch through the window as he circles his car a few times, mumbles something, and then finally gets in and drives away. My heart is breaking for the both of us, and I hate that he’s alone, and dare I think…confused. For a split second I want to chase him down. I open the door but quickly close it again. “I won’t live my life like Francesca!” And then just like her, but with a completely different outcome, I take my hand off of the door handle. Doing that to Kurt was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Now I’m about to do the second hardest thing.
Leo’s dressed and ready for battle when I open the door to my bedroom.
“This is bullshit! Every single time you walk into my life, he does too. When’s it gonna end?”
“Leo, I have something to tell you, and if you thought you hated me after the surprise party, you’re really gonna hate me now.”
He follows me to the couch and sits beside me. I start shaking, I mean really shaking.
“I don’t know if I can tell you this. It’s really, really bad.”
My jibber jabber of how horrible a person I am goes on for like ten minutes, and it would’ve gone on much longer if he didn’t pull me onto his lap.
“Just tell me.”
“I can’t. I’m so afraid of how you’ll react.”
“Are you gonna leave again?”
“I don’t want to.”
“Then I can handle it.”
“I lied to you. I’m not who you think I am.”
He pulls back about an inch and looks instantly nervous.
“Leo, what’s the most horrible thing you could possibly imagine about me?”
“Jesus, are you dying?”
Wow, it’s so sweet that he really did go to the most horrible thing imaginable.
“No, I’m not dying.”
“Chrissy, this is killing me. Just tell me.”
“I can’t, because when I do, you’ll never look at me like you are right now. Worse, you’ll walk out the door.”
“You’re the one who keeps leaving, not me.”
“I lied to you real bad, and I know how much you hate liars.”
“Is it something you think I can get over?”
“No, what I did is unforgivable.”
“Let me be the judge.”
“Leo…I didn’t think this…you and me…would turn into anything real when I sat next to you at Buckley’s that night. I didn’t think I was gonna fall in love with you so hard and so fast. I didn’t think you were gonna be the best thing to ever happen to me…I wanted to believe I already had it.”
He looks confused. Here it goes.
“I was never engaged. Well, I mean, I was at one time.”
He still can’t see it coming. Time to end the insanity.
“Please don’t hate me.” Deep breathe in. “Kurt’s my husband.”
Everything’s finally out. Kurt knows where my heart is, and Leo knows where it’s been. Let the chips fall where they may. One thing’s for sure, I’m never gonna tell another lie.
“Please say something.”
“It’s over, right?”
Okay, that was NOT what I was expecting him to say.
“Yes.”
“And you’re getting a divorce?”
“Yes.”
“It’s gotta be final soon then, right?”
Uh-oh.
“What do you mean?”
“We met almost a year ago. How long can it possibly take?”
Son of a bitch.
“Should be final in a few months.”
Honest livin’ sure was fun for the ten seconds I experienced it.
Survey Says!
January, 1999
Don’t get me wrong, my search for true happiness has been great. The yoga, the walks, even the new cooking classes I signed up for…all of it has been fantastically liberating. But the problem is, I do all that stuff in the day-time. My nights continue to be hell. From the moment I moved into my cottage, the Kurt guilt and Leo loss weighed heavy on me, and I ended up spending most evenings crying on the couch with a bottle of whatever, while old episodes of The Family Feud aired on The Game Show network.
Why tune into the Game Show Network, you ask? Easy, those old game shows offer me a respite from the hellish nightmare my life has turned into. They take me back to when I was a little girl, back to when I believed in fairy tale weddings and happily ever afters. Occasionally, I tried to take a break from Richard Dawson and flipped through the channels, but once I saw how close my real life shenanigans resembled the ones of ditzy sluts like Ally McBeal and Amanda Woodward, I only became more disparaged. Sometimes I gave shows like Dateline and 20/20 a chance, but the reality of how royally fucked up our world is scared me even more than my current state of affairs. And so usually, just minutes after abandoning Richard, I found myself back to him and the comfy coziness of the 1970’s. I suppose I could’ve forced myself to go out with friends, do all the things I dreamed of doing once I had my own place. And I guess I could’ve enrolled in a night class or started knitting to take my mind off of Kurt and Leo, but I didn’t. My evenings became the time when I decided to pay the price for all my bad choices.
And night after night, without fail, I paid that price. As Richard Dawson welcomed his horny little contestants, I’d sit in the middle of all the love letters I ever wrote to Kurt and sob over my tainted fairytale. To calm myself down, I’d blast the Braveheart soundtrack and soak in the tub. Obviously, that move only resulted in more self-degradation and tears. I was a fucking mess! Night after night, I found myself in a perpetual ping pong game of anger and heartache, and the only way it ended was when my Tylenol PM kicked in. But the next day, the heartache, accompanied by a massive headache, ensued. You know…I’m sure the makers of Tylenol PM are accurate in their claim that you wake up feeling rested and refreshed after taking the recommended dosage. But, when the recommended dosage is doubled and accompanied by a bottle and a half of wine…not so much.
Then miraculously (via phone hacking), Leo reappeared. And I thought once he was back in my life, my cottage would cease to be a personal torture chamber and The Game Show Network would be a thing of the past, but unfortunately, it wasn’t.
Surprisingly, Leo took the news of my marriage a million times better than I thought he would. In fact, he was glad I waited as long as I did to tell him. He said, any earlier and he wouldn’t have been in love with me enough to tolerate it. Never in a million years would I have thought delaying telling him I was married would be a good thing. After I explained the specially selected details of my past to him, we shared a bottle of wine, as he tried his best to make me feel better about all of my stupid mistakes and choices. We made love in my bed and, for the first time since moving into my cottage, I slept soundly in it. Morning came; we made plans to see each other that night and kissed good-bye. Then…once I closed the door…I was back in my torture chamber! My newest doozy of a lie immediately started chasing me around my cottage and it hasn’t stopped. How in the hell am I gonna finalize a divorce in two months…in a state where it takes at least a year…to a husband who hasn’t been formally notified of one? Exactly. I’m not. And because I’m scared of Leo finding out the truth, I’m pushing him away…again. I cancelled on him that night and it’s been weeks since I’ve seen him. And so, even though we’re technically back together, night after night I sit alone with my bottle of wine, my Tylenol PM, and my Family Feud. I don’t know what to say…to anybody. Time to call Dr. Maria.
Sad Frumpy Lady’s wearing the usual outfit and her usual scowl. Even so, I’m happy to s
ee her. Oh, finally…
“Hi, Hunny, come on back.”
I rattle on to Dr. Maria about my two huge triumphs, moving out and telling Leo I’m married, and she’s obviously proud of the steps I’ve made.
“I don’t understand something, though.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, I finally got my own place. I told Kurt I’m seeing someone, and I told Leo I’m married. But I don’t feel how I thought I’d feel.”
“How do you feel?”
“I’m really sad.”
“What makes you sad?”
“Oh, let me see…that I hurt Kurt and I have to hide from Leo how horribly bad that makes me feel because he’ll go ballistic. That I lied to Leo about being closer to divorce than I really am. That I haven’t even told Kurt I want a divorce! That I live in a tiny little cottage and spend my nights alone in it to hide from all of the things I should be doing to fix everything I just told you. Tell me, how is this my life!?”
“You made it this way.”
All right already, Maria! I’m all about accountability, but FOR ONCE give me some real fucking answers!
“Right, and on therapy paper, it looks like I made some really good changes for myself, but in all honesty, it doesn’t feel any different than it did before I let all the cats out of the bag. I still feel like I’m in prison.”
“That’s probably because you’re still letting Kurt control your feelings.”
“How long will I be stuck in limbo?”
“Until you file for divorce. If that’s what you still want, anyway.”
“For God sakes, I just told him like a week ago that I want to see other people. I can’t drop a divorce bomb on him; that would be like fast tracking the whole thing.”
“It would only be like fast tracking it for him.”
She’s right. It’s always been for him, for him, for him. How long until I stop putting his feelings before my own?”
“Are you considering staying married to Kurt?”
What was it that Courtney said? Oh yeah…it’ll take six months for every year we were together before I stop considering it…him…us. Good grief, that’ll be like the year…2005! There will probably be fucking hover-craft cars by then.
“You know, for so many years I loved Kurt with all my heart. And I used to think he loved me with only half of his; that’s where so much of my sadness and resentment came from. But after all my therapy and alone time, I realize he gave me as much of his heart as he possibly could, and in a lot of ways, it makes me love him more now than I ever did.”
“So you are considering it.”
“I know now that I’m the most important thing in the world to him. And you know what, if I had started therapy and learned to be authentic with Kurt before I met Leo, I think I would’ve been able to see the bright side of things with him, and I’d really consider staying married to him. But it didn’t happen like that, and that’s what makes all of this so tragic.”
“Explain the tragedy to me.”
“It took meeting the love of my life to figure out…I’ve been Kurt’s all along.”
“So, you’ve always had the thing you thought was missing with
Kurt.”
“Yeah…I’ve always had his whole heart.”
“I can see the tragedy there. Tell me, is it enough?”
“Is what enough?”
“Kurt’s heart, is it enough?”
“No.”
“How do you know?”
“Because half or whole, it’s still the same ol’ heart, and it won’t be enough to make me fall out of love with Leo. And that’s why, to answer your question, I’m not considering staying married to Kurt.”
I leave without asking Dr. Maria where to go from here, and then I race to the city to meet Slutty Co-worker for the last yoga class of the night. I settle into child’s pose and wish I could stay there forever.
Torn
May, 1999
For the last four months, every week has been the same. I go to work every single day, even on the weekends and not because I’m gaga crazy about my job, either. It’s because I’m like every other single gal out there, and I gotta make my own jack to support myself. My boss is preying on my vulnerability, too, and it’s really starting to piss me off. It’s like he assumes I’ve got nothing better to do and he’s taking advantage of my dependence on a paycheck by piling on the work and the guilt for not getting it done fast enough. Of course, he’d back off if I slept with him, but that’s the biggest thing that sets me apart from every other chick at this fucking company.
Megan started working at my office right after holy fucking shit night, so by the time she found out I was married and called Leo to blab the news to him, he said, “I already know, and I thought I told you never to call me again.” The poor girl thinks I’m the chupacabra, so she does her best to avoid me in the office. As far as I know, she’s doing a fine job with her internship, and as long as she stays out of my business, she can keep it. My co-workers are still trying to set me up with old rich guys, but I happily tell them no, I’m already pursuing a young poor one. All that judgment in the workplace that I was so afraid of never came to fruition, at least not that I’m aware of or care about. Dr. Maria was right; once I got far enough away from Kurt, I’ve starting caring a whole lot less about what people think of me.
It’s been six months since I moved into my cottage and the bad news is it’s still a torture chamber. I literally run a million miles an hour to avoid the inevitable. The inevitable being that I have to divorce Kurt, and Leo’s gonna find out that it’s happening later rather than sooner. According to the timeline I gave Leo on holy fucking shit night, I should’ve been divorced two months ago. Obviously that hasn’t happened. And not because the folks in the Contra Costa County recorder’s office aren’t doing their due diligence either, it’s because they don’t even know about Gibbons vs. Gibbons yet! Leo, on the other hand, thinks things are moving along… at a slugs pace. I told him there was a log jam of other stupid ass idiots that got married for all the wrong reasons, and things are gonna to take a little longer than expected to get finalized. Then I asked him not to ask me about it again because it really stresses me out. I guess he was afraid I’d bolt again if he pestered me about it, because, miraculously, he hasn’t brought it up once. My old fear of him finding out about my marriage is now replaced by my new fear of him finding out I haven’t even filed for divorce yet, except this time, I’m more fearful of the outcome if I’m exposed. Until I get the courage to drop the hammer on Kurt, I only have one option and that’s to make Leo fall even more in love with me to cushion the blow of the truth when it’s finally exposed. Maybe then he’ll only slightly murder me.
And fall deeper in love we have. Earlier this year we spent a snowy weekend at my timeshare in Tahoe that was absolutely fabulous. Every night we snuggled by the fire as we watched the sunset over the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and we talked until it reappeared. He let me cry over the mistakes of my past and offered me the reassurance I needed for my sanity that everything happens for a reason. Hard as it was for him to be glad I was married before, he admitted, if I wasn’t, I most likely wouldn’t have been at Buckley’s that night.
A few weeks ago, we spent an incredibly romantic weekend at The Cliffs at Shell beach near San Luis Obispo. We picnicked on the beach, got shit faced at the hotel bar, and broke into the pool after hours and went skinny dipping. We even went wine tasting and made our first couples purchase together, a wine of the month club. The bulk of the trip was paid for by me because Leo’s still struggling to get through college, but he insisted on paying for half of the wine. Now each bottle we drink together reminds me of how much he loves me and that he’ll do anything to make me happy, even eat canned chili for ten days straight because the wine club purchase busted his budget.
Now it’s May and in one month, Leo will FINALLY graduate from college. He even has job offers from two investment banks. One is from Robertson St
evens in San Francisco and the other is with Lehman Brothers in New York. Even though I’d be devastated if he went to New York, I’ve said nothing to persuade his decision one way or the other. If anything, I’m acting more supportive of the New York job just so Taddeo doesn’t think I’m trying to hold him back. He told me he’ll have his choice made by the time we go to Mexico, a trip we have planned the day after he graduates.
The last time I saw Courtney, Kelly, and Nicole was at my cottage in January to celebrate the New Year, and to tell you the truth, it was just plain awkward.
“Wow, so this is the new place, huh? It’s cute but it’s just so… small. I could never live here after living in your house.”
A compliment accompanied by a slam. That’s Kelly for you. Seriously, sometimes I think she’s gonna rip a mask off of her face and it’s really Kurt under there.
“How long do you plan on staying here?”
“Why? You don’t like it?”
“You could be back home if you wanted to.”
“Damn it Kel…”
“Just hear me out. Kurt went out with the guys a few weeks ago, and he told them he wants you back big time. Says he’ll do anything.”
One by one, I look at their dopey grins. They still don’t get it.
“I’d want me back big time too. But it’s not possible because the only time in my life I ever felt like I was good enough to want back was after I met Leo, and it was him that made me feel it. I can’t go back to Kurt knowing that.”
The rest of the evening was a struggle for all of us. Nicole tried to express interest in what was going on with Leo, well mostly what was going on sexually with Leo. But Courtney and Kelly said they felt weird talking about my “lover” when I still had a husband. I sort of get it but if you can’t talk to your best friends about your “lover” who can you talk to? After that night, it seems like we’ve given up on each other. Aside from a few frivolous emails, I haven’t had meaningful communication with any of them for months.
The Life List (The List Trilogy) Page 31
