All of a sudden my eyes adjust to what I really see in my house and not what I wanted to see. My once beautifully decorated family room looks like the Sigma Chi frat house. There’s beer bottles strewn everywhere, take-out food containers spilling onto my carpet, an ashtray filled with pot, and right next to that are some blankets and pillows that should be on MY bed. Then I really focus in on the carnage! Hanging off of the corner of my wedding picture that’s perched atop the fireplace mantle, is the bra. I can’t resist. I walk over to it…34D. Bitch!
To stabilize myself from the nausea that just set in, I rest my hand on the kitchen table, but it slips on the small stack of papers sitting on the edge of it, and I fall flat on my ass. I watch for an eternity as the tiny strips of paper that caused the commotion fly into the air, then float down and rest around me.
“God, could this day get any worse?” I reach out and grab the closest strip of paper. “What the hell is this?” I grab another and another and another until it starts to make sense to me. Airline tickets to Mexico! “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!” Kurt’s going to Mexico with some girl named Kayla, and they leave tomorrow. Is this some kind of sick payback?
I’ve got to get out of here! Just as I’m about to get in my car, I see the two of them with my dog riding their stupid bikes back to my house. As they get closer, Kurt and I lock eyes. There are no words to describe the look on his face. It’s like grief and terror all crammed together. It’s grerror.
“Chrissy, what are you doing here?”
Without taking my eyes off of the girl, who by the way isn’t as impressive looking as her bra, I answer him. “It’s my house too, Kurt.”
“You have your apartment, and you asked me to stay away from it. This is my space now, and you can’t just pop into it whenever you feel like it.”
“It’s a cottage!”
“Whatever.”
“God Kurt, why don’t you have the guts to say what you want to say?!”
“What’s that?”
“That you’re mortified you got caught because now you don’t look like the victim you wanted everyone to think you were. That you’d give anything in the world for me to be the one on the bike next to you instead of that girl. That you wish you could go back in time and do and say everything you know you should’ve to have prevented me from leaving you. That you know I’m strong, you know I’m beautiful, and DESPITE what you wanted me to believe for all of these years, you need me more than I need you. But nooooooooo, you can’t say any of that because your pride or your fear or your WHATEVER is soooooooo fucked up that it’s easier for you to lose everything than expose your heart.”
Rather calmly he says, “You should leave.”
“Nice that we’re on the same page for once.”
Normally I hate being a hostile bitch, but not right now. Not when her boobs are front and center and petting MY DOG!
“But before I go, answer this for me. Don’t you think it’s hypocritical of you to take a girl to Mexico when you told me…Hooooooold on a minute! Just how far back does this little fling date back to?”
“It’s none of…”
“I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU, I’M TALKING TO HER!”
The poor child is scared out of her mind.
“What… you can hang your bra on my wedding picture and spill food on my carpet, but you can’t answer my question? Wow, she’s perfect for you, Kurt. A young dumb girl who likes to ride bikes and won’t speak up during a confrontation.”
“Shut up, Chrissy.”
“Are you actually coming to her defense? Wow, it must be love, hunny because that’s something you never did for me.”
“THAT’S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!”
“Do you really think this is where we’d be if I thought otherwise?”
“Just go, you’re making a fool of yourself.”
“Fine. But know this. I’ll forever be sad that we failed, but the guilt of why our marriage imploded is something I certainly won’t carry with me the rest of my life because for most of the time we were together, I know how hard I tried to make you happy. You’d be a liar if you said the same. You carry the guilt!”
He’s shaking his head in pity.
“Mock me all you want! Eventually everything you didn’t do will come back to bite you on the ass, and when it happens, you’ll either be alone or worse…with someone like her.”
He’s signaling the end of the conversation by walking away, but it only makes me yell louder. “The difference between me and you is that I admitted my mistakes to myself, to you, my therapist, and my friends! I’m free. But you, you’ll be locked up in your own personal Hell forever and you don’t even know it!”
Screeching away, I look in my rear view mirror and I’m horrified at just how many of my old neighbors witnessed the spectacle that just took place. It makes me wonder, which love palace is more white trash now, the one in Moraga where Leo used to live or this one?
Anemic
December, 1999
“I can’t believe it Chrissy! You knew Kurt was seeing someone for the last two months and waited until now to tell us?”
“Sorry, Nic. I guess after everything I did to him, it didn’t seem fair to trash him.”
“But you’ve been so concerned about being the bad guy and all. I’m surprised you didn’t shout from the roof top that he had someone on the side.”
“I guess I settled into the role, and I stopped caring who points their finger at me for causing the BIG break up. In therapy we call that growth.”
That was supposed to be funny, but clearly their alcohol hasn’t kicked in yet.
“Well, the thing that pisses me off is that he was seeing someone else while he was telling OUR husbands he was devastated about the divorce. I love Kurt, but I mean, really, what the hell?”
“Listen to you guys! What did you expect him to do? Sit around for another year and wait for Chrissy to call the next shot?”
Nicole, Courtney, and I simultaneously snap our heads up from our lounge chairs to look at Kelly. We arrived in Phoenix for our girls’ birthday weekend a couple of days ago and things have been nice and relaxing, mostly because I haven’t brought up my man troubles. Those usually cause tension between us (ala this very moment), and I promised myself I wouldn’t say a word about Kurt or Leo, but damn the margarita’s at this resort!
“It’s okay you guys, Kelly’s right. He needed to get on with his life.”
“You drove him to her, you know.”
Wowza! I tried to take responsibility, you know, be the bigger person. But she’s really going for the jugular. Time to defend myself.
“I’m aware of that, Kelly.”
“He wanted to stay married to you, but you didn’t give him any other choice.”
“All right already, I get it!”
“Do you, though?”
“What are you talking about?”
“If you “get it,” then why haven’t you signed the papers? How fucking long are you gonna drag this out?”
In all the years I’ve known Kelly, I’ve never heard her use the F word.
“Geez, Kel, I’m soooooooooorry I’m dragging my feet on the thing that’s gonna rip my life apart.”
“Oh my God, you have to stop being so dramatic, Chrissy.”
“Okay, obviously you think what I’m going through should be a lot easier than it is. But let me ask you this, what do you think happens to my house when I sign the papers?”
Silence.
“That’s what I thought you’d say. I worked my ass off to buy that thing, Kelly, and when those papers get signed, I have to sell it! Oh, and that dog I’ve had with Kurt for nine years…bye bye. Kurt gets him! He says it’s the least I can do for ruining his life. But you know what the worst thing about all of this is, Kell? Once we’re divorced, where does the last decade of my life go? And all of those experiences I had with him…who the fuck wants to hear about those?”
More silence.
“Exactly. Nobody
. If I talk about them, it means one of two things: either I can’t get over the past or I’m bitter. You’re talking thirteen years of my life that are now taboo! Thirteen years of my life that all of a sudden make everyone feel uncomfortable. But you…you still get to be a part of his life. You can talk about our college days, the parties we went to, the camping trips we had, the weddings we all participated in together, all the good times! Christ, Kelly, I’ve been with Kurt since I was sixteen years old, and excuse me if it’s taken me a little longer than the average adulterous bitch to deal with losing him!”
“Jesus, you guys are more annoying than bagpipes! This is a nice place, can you bring it down a notch, please?”
“You’re right, Court, this adulterous bitch should leave.” I start gathering my things but then Kelly stops me.”
“You stay. I’ll go.”
“Oh for cryin’ out loud, why do either of you have to go?”
Slightly embarrassed, I plop back down on my lounge chair. “Kelly, you gotta give me a break. I’m doing the best I can.”
“I’m sorry, Chrissy, call it tough love but you can’t stay in limbo forever. It’s exhausting, and if it’s this exhausting to us, I can’t imagine what it’s like for you.”
“I know, and I love you for caring… even though you show it in the most scary and militant way possible.”
“Here you go again with the I love you’s.”
“Ahhhh come on, tell me you love me, Kel.”
“No.”
“Tell me!”
“No!”
“Stop throwing ice at each other! The bartender’s eye balling us, and he’s gonna cut us off!”
“Okay, okay, Nicole! Hey, why are you still packing up your things, Kelly?”
“I’m gonna go back to the room, after all. I’m a little tired and I want to take a nap before dinner.”
“It’s noon!”
“You want me to stay and yell at you about your divorce some more?”
“You’re right, you should go!”
Once Kelly’s gone, we order another round of margaritas, and before I’m half way through with mine, I doze off into a nice tequila-induced nap. An hour, or maybe it’s just twenty minutes later, I wake to the chatter of Courtney and Nicole, but I don’t let them know I’m listening.
“Did she ever tell you what her doctor said?”
“All she told me was that it wasn’t her thyroid and that she was undergoing some blood work to rule out anemia. She doesn’t look good, though.”
“I know. She won’t take her bathing suit cover-up off, but the weight loss is obvious to me.”
“Me too.”
“And I haven’t seen her eat a damn thing. I don’t know, Nicole…doesn’t seem like anemia. Do you think she might be diabetic?”
“Can’t tell. You think she’s being honest with her doctor about everything?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know Kelly… everything has to be perfect all the time. She’s got her stupid lists and timelines just like that one over there.” I can feel their eyes look my way. “What if she’s not being honest with her doctor about her symptoms because she’s afraid that whatever’s wrong will mess up all her plans?”
“Nahhh, I can tell she’s worried. I don’t think she’d hold back any information from her doctor. Besides, Craig wouldn’t let her.”
“Should we talk to her?”
“Let’s give it a month or so. I just asked her about the thyroid thing. You know how she doesn’t like everyone fussing over her. Press her too much and she’ll attack us like she attacked Chrissy!”
Anemia? Diabetes? Gosh, now I feel terrible about yelling at her.
“Excuse me, ladies, is one of you Chrissy Gibbons?”
I lift my head like the bartender just woke me up.
“Sort of.” He looks confused. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m still her for another few months. What’s up, credit card maxed out?”
“Phone call for you, ma’am.”
“Ma’am? I’m thirty, not fifty!”
Must be someone from my office. I turned my cell phone off, but those bastards always seem to find a way to reach me.
“Nicole, I’m too drunk to talk. Go tell whoever it is that I’m in the middle of a massage.”
Courtney and I are in the throes of debating the hotness of George Clooney versus Harrison Ford when Nicole jogs up.
“Guys, we gotta go!”
In unison Courtney and I say, “Where?”
“That was Kurt’s mom.”
“Gimme a break, Nicole, I know you love your jokes, but you couldn’t come up with anything more clever?!”
Stuffing all her crap in her bag, “I’m serious, Chrissy, Kurt got in a motorcycle accident, and he’s been airlifted to a hospital in Sacramento.”
I slowly arch my back up as I watch her go to work, and, at once, a million thoughts are racing through my mind. Is this for real? Holy crap, is Kurt really hurt? She’s gotta be joking. Oh my God, what if Kurt’s dead! I’m gonna kill her if she’s joking. If it’s true, what’s my role in this nightmare? What does everyone expect me to do? I’m at a crossroads! Grandpa?????????
Strangely composed, I say, “Is he okay?”
She stops stuffing and snaps her head at me.
“You’re calm? Why are you so calm!?”
“Nicole…IS HE OKAY!?”
“Okay, that’s better. She didn’t know.”
“When will she get to the hospital?”
“She’s on her way from Fremont now, should be a couple of hours.
But Chrissy, I think you need to know--”
“Okay then, I’ll call her back and give her my cell phone number. She’ll give us an update once she arrives. If it’s bad, we’ll go. But there’s no sense rushing off if it’s minor. Given everything I’ve put Kurt through, I’m not even sure he’d want me by his bedside. Maybe he’d rather have Kaaaaaayla there instead.”
Satisfied with my plan, I plop back down on my lounge chair.
“Ummm hunny, we have to tell you something.”
Instantly unsatisfied, I pop back up.
“I mean, Jesus! What the hell was he doing in Sacramento anyway?”
“His mom said something about some dirt bike race thing. You have to--”
“Oh, that’s it! I’m NOT ruining my vacation because of his dumb decisions! Seriously, what kind of retarded thirty-one year old man goes on a dirt bike race? “
“CHRISSY, WOULD YOU SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE! We have to tell you something.”
“What!?”
“Kurt hasn’t told his family a single thing about what happened--you know, between the two of you.”
“Yep, as far as they’re concerned, you two are as happy as the day you got married.”
“Son of a bitch.”
Welp, that answers that question. My role in this nightmare is that of wife, and no matter how superficial his wounds may be, everyone will expect me to ditch my vacation to be by his side. Not what I was looking for, Grandpa!
“It doesn’t mean you have to go, Chrissy.”
“What are you talking about, Nicole? Of course she has to go! He’s still her husband.”
“It’s not her fault he hasn’t told them anything.”
“But it is her fault she hasn’t gone through with the divorce, so as far as I’m concerned she’s obligated to go!”
Of course, I’d hop on the first flight out if Kurt was severely injured, no matter if it’s today or ten years from today. But I’ve created another situation for myself where I’m obligated to put his well-being, even if he only has a slight wound, ahead of mine. Son of a bitch! I was so close to being able to disassociate myself from the word obligation! Unbeknownst to everyone, I even signed the divorce papers immediately after the run-in with Kayla at my house. It no longer seemed important to remain attached to a man who’s toting around a 34-D cup girlfriend. But did I send them? Of course not! And all because I wasn’t ready to stop talki
ng about my past with him, because I wasn’t ready to split my assets, because I wasn’t quite ready to let him be happy without me. But now I might have to rip up those papers. Never in a million years will I have the courage to divorce Kurt if he turns me into Mrs. Christopher Reeves! I was already barely gonna make it into Heaven with all that adultery business, but there’s no way I’ll make the cut if I abandon a paralyzed spouse. Looking like I’m the anemic one, I slowly start to gather up my belongings.
“Call the airline, Courtney.”
Hours later, I enter Sutter Memorial Hospital with my three, still somewhat inebriated, friends in tow. We took every single bottle of liquor from the hotel mini bar and pounded the entire flight over. I park them right next to Kurt’s mom, who looks a little inebriated herself, and tiptoe my way down the hall.
“Excuse me. I’m looking for Kurt Gibbons.”
“Are you his wife?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Oh good, he’s been asking for you.”
“Is he okay?”
“He’s pretty banged up, got a nice road rash across his chest. He just got out of x-ray, I’ll know more about the damage to the spinal cord once I’m able to review them.”
“Ho…ho…hooooooold on there, Doc…Spinal cord?”
“Ma’am, your husband took a serious blow to the head and neck when he was thrown from the bike. My best guess is that he’s suffered a severe contusion to the spinal cord, possibly also with multiple herniated disks.”
What the fuck is it with the “ma’am” stuff today?!
“I can let you in to see him, but it’s important that he lies as still as possible, we’re worried about some possible paralysis.”
Paralysis?
“Look, I’ve gotta run. Go be by his side, try not to worry, and I’ll be in to see you as soon as the x-ray results are ready.”
No, No, No, No, No! This cannot be happening to me. I stabilize myself by holding onto the wall outside of Kurt’s room. Paralysis? I need Dr. Maria, a pill, another margarita, something! I’m like a car teetering on the edge of a cliff, and if so much as a bird lands on the hood, the whole thing’s gonna topple over into a ravine and burst into a ball of flames. Shooo birdie! Shooo!
The Life List (The List Trilogy) Page 34
