by Scott, D. D.
Retailers Roll Out Plans For New Christmas In July Sale-abration
New York, NY--After decades of unprecedented profit hikes during the holiday season, US retailers have announced plans to capitalize on consumers eagerness to part with their cash by unveiling a sequel to Jesus‘ birthday--Christmas 2: Christmas in July. “Why keep this money making marvel to just once a year?” one Retailer inquired, “when you can exploit it for every dollar it’s worth.” The new summer celebration will again feature Santa, this time Santa Clark, Clause’s South Pole sibling. You can expect to see him at a mall near you. “This is going to be huge,” another Retailer added. “Sequels always make more money than the original. Nothing will be bigger than this--except maybe number three--Christmas in April.”
New Years
Or
The promises we have no intention of keeping
Woman’s First Sightseeing Trip To Times Square Ruined By Half A Million Drunk Partiers
New York, NY--The sightseeing trip Nebraskan Vicky Long had clamored years to take became memorable in ways she never expected when she arrived in Times Square to find a crowd of half a million drunk partiers. “Wow, I knew this place was popular, but this is ridiculous,” Long remarked. “This is busier than Harvest fest.” Long was apparently oblivious to the year end tradition of watching the ball drop, signaling the beginning of New Year. “Gosh, it was just like tailgating at a college football game,” Long added “but if I wanted a bunch of drunk guys hitting on me, I could have just stayed back in Nebraska.” Long then left just seconds before the ball dropped.
Woman Adopts Second New Years Resolution After Immediately Breaking First
Hartford, CN--Allison Morton’s makeshift resolution to give up sweets came shortly after breaking her well-touted previous resolution to give up smoking. “So I needed a smoke, bite me,” Morton declared, taking a drag. “If you had to deal with that two-timing deadbeat, you’d be lighting up too,” Morton continues, referring to her ex unexpectedly showing up to the party. Morton however was quick to point out that she made it thirty whole minutes on her smoking ban, crushing her previous best by twenty-six minutes. “It’s baby steps, alright?” Morton added, taking another drag. “Why don’t we appreciate the half an hour for the achievement it is?” Morton’s second resolution soon became her second casualty of the New Year though as she gorged on cake upon seeing her ex grind with some blond bimbo on the dance floor. No word yet on what Morton’s third resolution will be.
Lonely Geek Unable To Even Secure Pity Kiss For New Years
Oklahoma City, OK--Clark Garson’s yearlong quest to find a pair of lips to kiss came up empty handed last night as he was unable to scare up even a pity kiss for New Years Eve. “I knew I should have stayed home,” Garson remarks, deflated. “But my Mom just had to kick me out of the basement.” Miss Garson had in fact taken this rare empty nest opportunity to throw a celebration of her own, but that was no consolation to Clark. “This sucks. Everyone else had someone to kiss,” Garson complained. “This is just like high school. Well, at least I don’t have to do anyone’s homework.” But the experience had already done its damage, leaving a wound Clark planned to drown away with energy drinks and intense video gaming. “I’m going to slay some orcs.”
Wallflower’s Attempt To Branch Out Becomes Viral Video Blooper
Fort Wayne, IN--Geraldine Montrose’s long awaited transition from introvert to extrovert had one major unexpected result--viral video infamy. “Everybody knows her now,” online buddy PrincessCouture7983 noted. “Of course its for all the wrong reasons.” Just moments after Montrose shocked party guests with a dance she liked to call “the Geraldine,” a camera phone video of the event was uploaded to the internet, where it became an instant sensation. “It’s so funny I almost peed my pants,” online viewer Ursula Walters added “I gotta watch it again.” Since that fateful night Montrose is more closed off than ever--literally. “She hasn’t left her room in days,” Geraldine’s Mother declared. “Not even for my homemade brownies.” Geraldine meanwhile is just waiting for the hype to die down. “This will all blow over soon, right?” Geraldine inquires, still in shock. “Damn, I knew I never should have had that appletini.”
‘New Year, Same Good For Nothing Husband’ Declares Fed Up Wife
Orlando, FL--It may be a New Year, but for one fed up Wife that’s all that has changed. “Gil’s the same old lazy ass,” Denise Olson remarks. “He’s always too busy watching the game to help out.” Denise’s repeated attempts to get Gil to empty the dishwasher, do the laundry, and mow the lawn have all fallen on deaf ears, she says. But Gil disagrees. “Hey, I took out the trash a few weeks ago. At least I think I did.” Meanwhile, Denise maintains low expectations for the calendar year. “Are you kidding? The only time he ever leaves his recliner is to go play cards with the boys,” Denise laments “for New Years all he did was drink until he passed out.”
‘Someone’s Gotta Take Down Those Christmas Lights,’ Father Ruminates Aloud
Syracuse, NY--Much to his chagrin, Father of three Steve Bartlett’s not so subtle hints are falling on deaf ears. “These lights aren’t going to take themselves down,” Bartlett remarks. “There’s ten bucks in it for whoever packs these babies up.” But Bartlett’s children are too busy texting, watching the tube, and generally pretending not to hear the bribe. “Fine, I’ll keep the ten bucks for myself. Maybe I’ll go buy some candy with it,” Bartlett continues, hoping to appeal to his children’s sweet tooth’s. But Bartlett gets no takers. Ultimately, Bartlett tries one final plea. “Alright, guess I’ll take back those Christmas presents.” The lights were packed half an hour later.
Retailers Rush Out Valentine’s Day Items In Last Minute Push
USA--In a frantic move to save Valentine’s Day from obscurity, retailers hastily put up heart shaped displays just in time. “This is insanity. How are we supposed to mount a four quadrant multimedia marketing campaign in only six weeks?” one Retailer bemoaned. “You know, in the end, it’s the public that suffers.” But Retailers attempts to rearrange the Holiday schedule to meet marketers needs have been met with sharp criticism. “Hey, we have to make a living too. Besides, there’s only one major holiday between V-Day and July 4th, if we were just given the proper time to exploit every holiday, I could finally get that second vacation home. So what do you say, lets move Valentine’s Day back to March. Cupid deserves it.”
New Diet Thwarted By Chocolate Chip Cookies
Palo Alto, CA--Irene Spencer’s hopes of a thinner waist and smaller dress size were quickly dashed as her half day old diet came to an abrupt end at the hands of her nemesis--fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. “Delicious,” Spencer declared. “They’re so worth it. It’s like my own slice of Heaven.” Spencer’s carefully planned diet of carb counting, calorie cutting, and cardio never stood a chance, but she’s optimistic for the future. “Hey, I polished off the rest of the cookies today,” Spencer added, “so I’ll have no reason not to go back to my diet tomorrow.” But Spencer has broken promises before, most notably last New Year when her resolution diet helped her take off ten pounds before putting twenty back on. “This time it’s different,” Spencer remarked. “I know I’ll keep the weight off now. Woo, is that cake?”
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TILL DEATH DO US PART
By
Patrice Fitzgerald
The evening was chilly, and light snowflakes were just beginning to cover the road. After being ushered through carved wooden doors, the guests stepped onto a deep Persian carpet and wiped the snow off their feet. Each family in turn paused to gaze around as they entered the grand marble foyer decorated with blood red roses.
“Roses for Rosemary,” boomed Harold, coming up to greet each new carload. “Isn’t this beautiful? We spent every last dime! Roses in winter… damn expensive. But Rosemary loves ‘em. So I bought the fl
orist out for my bride. And why not?”
Rosemary looked on with a fond smile as they welcomed the guests together. Harold still called her his bride, after all these decades.
“Like they say, you can’t take it with you,” he added with a wink to the guests. “But hey… look at this place. Isn’t it fantastic?”
Old friends hugged and exclaimed how well he looked, while no doubt secretly thinking that he was wearing too much blush for a man of his age, no matter what the occasion. Rosemary, dressed in a demure long skirt with an ivory and mauve pattern, said little. Her cheeks were red, too, she knew from checking in her little compact mirror. She wasn’t sure if the color came from the makeup, the wine, or her nervous anticipation of the ceremony to come.
The children and grandchildren seemed confused. Even the littlest one – Harold the Third, only four years old – was strangely quiet. He sensed that something different was happening tonight.
Leaving the glittering front hallway with its ostentatious crystal chandelier, the crowd was herded into a banquet room where candles covered the tables and animated the walls with their leaping flames. A fire roared in the front of the room. Displayed just in front of it the lovely heart-shaped vehicle – pink – sat in velvet splendor, open and ready to take Harold and Rosemary on their Blissful Journey®.
As the guests sat down at their appointed places, the courses began to arrive: a terrine of duck with crisp toast triangles, oxtail soup, endive salad. Murmurs of appreciation went up as the crowd caught the tantalizing fragrance of the main dish – sizzling leg of lamb and risotto infused with colorful root vegetables. The grandchildren had never seen food like this, and they fussily rejected all of it, while Nana Rosemary sat at the head table tutting about the wasted expense.
“Harold, I told you the little ones wouldn’t eat oxtail soup,” she said, putting her hand gently on her husband’s elbow. “Why didn’t you order some grilled cheese sandwiches?”
“Rosemary, honey, don’t worry. We’ve got it covered. With the profits from the sale of the house” – and here he lowered his voice from bombastic to slightly less so – “we made a killing, honey, remember I told you? Until the charges go through for this shindig, I’m the richest man in this room! Can you believe it? Harold Smith, wealthy at last. And after tonight, we won’t care what the credit rating looks like, right?”
Harold, who with his crew cut white hair, beard, and festive red vest looked a bit like a military Santa, reached over to pour Rosemary more wine.
Quickly, she put her hand over her glass. “No, no more for me, Harold. I’ve had enough for tonight.”
“Enough? You can drink all you want, Rose honey! Tonight is for us. Eat drink and be merry, right? For tomorrow… how does that go? Well, tonight, anyway, you sure as hell don’t have to worry about driving!”
Rosemary shook her head firmly, the curls in her carefully colored butterscotch blonde hair looking nearly the same as they had on their wedding day. “I don’t like the way it makes me feel, Harold. You know that. And tonight – especially tonight – I want to enjoy everything.” She looked around at her children and grandchildren, all seated around the head table.
“Suit yourself, honey,” said Harold, motioning to the server on his right to bring him the big meat platter for seconds. As she leaned down, he gave a not-very-discreet leer at her ample cleavage, catching the eye of his younger brother Morris on the other side of the head table. “Delicious, eh, Morrie?” he asked with a wink and a nod toward the server. Rosemary rolled her eyes in mock exasperation, while their oldest daughter Celeste glared at her father and shook her head.
“Dad. Tonight of all nights, show a little respect, will you please?” Celeste looked over at her mother and sighed. “I still can’t believe you’re going with him,” she whispered urgently across the table. “Mom, it’s not too late to change your mind.”
At that point, Rosemary, who knew her eyes betrayed the tears she was trying to hold back, excused herself from the table and headed for the ladies room. Maintaining a fixed smile, she made it through the gauntlet of old friends who wanted to give her hugs as she passed. Finally, sequestered in a stall, she let the tears roll down her face and dabbed them with a wad of toilet paper before they reached her chin.
Quietly sobbing, she sat there for a minute, glad to be alone. When the door to the bathroom creaked open, she took a moment to sniffle and pat the skin under her eyes, certain that the full makeover Harold had paid for was now in black ribbons down her cheeks.
“Mom?” It was Celeste. Of course. Her sweet oldest child had followed her, knowing how upset she was.
“Yes, dear. I’m coming out.”
“Are you all right?”
Rosemary swung the door outward and smiled at her daughter. “I’m fine. Or I will be.”
“Oh my gosh, what have you managed to do to your mascara?”
Rosemary surveyed her face in the mirror. She was indeed a mess.
“Sit down, Mom. I can fix this.”
Celeste guided her mother to the elegant brocade couch in the sitting area of the vast ladies room and got to work with the Q-tips and powder and mascara that she apparently carried everywhere in her large black handbag.
“Listen, Mom. You do not have to go with Dad.”
“Honey, we’ve been over this. I love your father. I’m his wife. I want to go with him.” She sniffed, carefully dabbing below her eyes to avoid the mascara Celeste had just repaired. “Besides… I promised him.”
“Yes, I know, but why? He’s 75… you’re only 69.”
“It’s part of the vows, honey. This is what a wife – a spouse – does.”
“Right. And nine times out of ten, it’s the wife who goes along because of her husband!”
Rosemary stood up. “Celeste, I will not discuss this any more. He asked me, I said yes, and I am going with your father. And that is that.” She looked at her face in the mirror and saw an older lady with expensive hair and a better makeup job than she had sported at the start of the evening.
“You know, honey, you really should go into cosmetic work professionally. You’ve got an extraordinary eye.”
“Thanks, Mom. But I think the kids will need me at home… now that you won’t be around.” At the last moment, Celeste turned her head and Rosemary could see that she was fighting back tears.
“Sweetheart.” She wrapped her arms around her daughter. “It will be okay. You… and the kids… will be okay. We’ll take lots of pictures.”
Somehow that seemed to make Celeste even more upset, and she clung to her mother while muted sobs escaped her tightly clenched mouth. At that point the door to the ladies room opened, and a heavy woman with dark hair swept up high on her head entered.
“Julia… how lovely to see you here tonight,” Rosemary said, quickly swinging into hostess mode while Celeste escaped into a stall with her black bag. Rosemary gave a big hug to her old friend.
“Rosemary, darling. How are you holding up? These things are hard, aren’t they? My Clyde is getting close, and I’ll be taking the trip too.” She leaned in, and Rosemary could see the burst veins on her nose. “Tell me the truth, just between us girls. Did you really want to go?”
Rosemary jerked her head toward the stall that Celeste was in, and made a shushing gesture with her hand.
Julia nodded and raised her eyebrows to signify understanding. She whispered. “It’s hardest on the kids, I think. They don’t really understand.”
The two women made small talk while Julia tinkled behind the stall door, and then walked arm-in-arm back to the banquet hall. It was time for pictures.
Rosemary and Harold were posed just so by the photographer. They sat smiling on gilded chairs in front of the pink velvet vehicle, surrounded by the entire family. A bouquet of roses nestled in Rosemary’s lap as her left hand, featuring the wedding ring they had bought so many years ago, rested on Harold’s right one. The three adult children, their spouses, and all the grandchildren had bee
n carefully arranged, although Harold the Third’s mother was gritting her teeth into a smile while holding the back of his waistband so that he wouldn’t dart out of camera range.
After several minutes of holding their pose and saying “cheese,” they were released by the photographer. All the guests stood up as the chaplain rose to lead a prayer.
“Dearly beloved… family and friends of Rosemary and Harold Smith. We are gathered here tonight to wish these two a loving farewell and send them on their Blissful Journey®. While we will miss them, we know that it is a wonderful thing they are doing for their family and for the good of humanity.”
Loud snuffling and gentle weeping emanated from the people in the grand dining room. Celeste leaned against her husband’s shoulder as her body heaved with quiet sobs.
The chaplain continued. “Though Harold’s time is up, since he will be 75 tonight at midnight, his devoted wife Rosemary has chosen to join him on the trip. We all recognize her sacrifice, and salute the deep and lasting love these two have shared for nearly 50 years.”
“Can you believe that?” Harold interjected. “It would have been exactly 50 next March, but hey, I couldn’t wait – the government said it was my time. Death and taxes, you know?”
The servers had been making their way discreetly amongst the guests, handing out champagne in crystal flutes, and now Harold raised his.
“I know it’s bad luck to toast yourself, but hey… there can’t be much to worry about in the bad luck department now, you know?”
