by Tessa Hadley
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Family Tree
Begin Reading
Acknowledgments
Additional Acclaim for Tessa Hadley’s Accidents in the Home
Copyright
To Eric, Ed, Sam, and Jack
THE WEEKEND that Helly brought her new boyfriend down to meet Clare, Clare’s younger brother, Toby, was also staying with them, following them round with his video camera, making a documentary about the family for his college course.
Clare gave the camera one quick exasperated glance when the doorbell rang and the guests arrived. The food should have been ready but she was still chopping hurriedly amid a debris of vegetable leavings, her fingers stuck with parsley bits.
—Oh, Toby, stop it!
Her deep glance at the camera—she has looked at the lens and not at Toby, as if it were his eyes—is caught forever on the tape. She is wishing she had had time to change into the nicer clothes she had planned. Her hair is in a short thick black plait on her shoulder fastened with a rubber band. She looks tired. When she is tired (she believes) all those things that at her best make her look like an intellectual instead make her look like a librarian: small eyes, neat straight brows, thin lips, a square high forehead. She has good skin but it is pink and hot because she is flustered. Her glance is naked and hostile, her last moment of free expression before she has to put on a smiling face.
She might be hostile to Toby; she is sometimes bossy and arbitrary with him.
Or perhaps to Helly, who comes and finds her out in her humiliation, dragged down by the children, without makeup, with wet red hands.
* * *
HELLY INTRODUCED her new boyfriend to Clare.
—You two should know each other. David comes from round here too. We must have all been at parties together. He knows people we knew.
But the man was a stranger, an alien in Clare’s house, with shades hiding his eyes and an exaggerated presence she flinched from, curvy big cheekbones and chin with blue-black stubble, a thick beautiful leather coat, loudly and confidently friendly in a way that suggested immediately to Clare that he didn’t want to be here in the provinces visiting his girlfriend’s friend who was nobody. When they all kissed, the Londoners smelled expensively of bathrooms full of bottles of scents and lotions, and Clare was aware of her limp T-shirt, which had soaked up the smells of the onion soup she was making for their lunch. The onion soup, with Parmesan toasts baked in the oven, would be delicious. (It was.) And Helly couldn’t cook. But Clare feared that everything brilliant and savory about her might appear to have drained into that onion soup, leaving her wan and dull and domesticated.
Helly was her best friend.
Recently, Helly had been paid thirty thousand pounds (twice as much as Bram, Clare’s partner, earned in a year) to make a series of television advertisements for ice cream; as well as on television, they were used in the cinema and on billboards. Everywhere Clare went she was confronted by Helly’s golden face or the misty curves of Helly’s body, intently and extravagantly inviting her into a larger-than-life golden vanilla space concealed inside the prose of every day. Whenever she saw the real Helly now, these images would get in the way for the first few minutes; the real Helly would seem slightly contracted, smaller and more precise than she should be, and muffled in surprising clothes.
Helly was embarrassed about the advertisement. She was a serious actress. She did get work, in fringe and in soaps, but not enough; she was still waiting for her break. And no one, no one, could have turned down thirty thousand pounds. The advertisements paid for the serious work; that was the theory. But her friends couldn’t help feeling that something momentous had happened, that she had stepped into a golden current of money and frivolity and glamour that would carry her off. Anyway, she wasn’t strikingly talented as an actress. Although none of them quite acknowledged it, this was more exciting, really, than if Helly had got a good part in a play. They watched to see what would happen next.
Clare could remember that when she and Helly were fifteen one of their shared nighttime fantasies had been to imagine their nakedness projected lingeringly onto a cinema screen in front of an audience. So she couldn’t be sure just how genuine Helly’s contemptuous indifference was to those golden simulacra plastered everywhere. Or how genuine her own contemptuous indifference was, either.
* * *
THE TWO VISITORS filled up the little terraced house with noise and cigarette smoke and with their things. They had brought in from the car a camera and bags of presents and bottles of wine and flowers and a portable mini-disk player and a heap of leather luggage even though they were only staying the one night; also a laptop on which David had already tried to access his e-mail. (He worked as a lighting technician, designing systems for stage shows and clubs; this seemed to necessitate frequent contacts with his associates and long sessions on the mobile phone.) They talked more loudly and constantly and laughed more than Clare was used to.
Clare was taken aback at how profoundly she coveted Helly’s beautiful clothes. She liked to think she was fairly indifferent to material possessions. Under Bram’s influence she had given away lots of her CDs, deciding she had outgrown them. They had a house full of books but no television, and Clare made her own bread and ground her own spices and salted lemons to put in salads and chicken dishes. She bought most of what she wore in charity shops, not grudgingly but pointedly, because it was more original to put together your own bits and pieces. But when she saw Helly’s long lilac-colored dress and her green velvet jacket sewn with mirrors and her green painted toenails, she was reminded that there was something else you could do with your clothes, something better than just original, something that amounted to power and joy. You needed money to create a look that so mysteriously aroused longing and satisfaction at once: although you had to have a gift, too, to choose the right things so inventively and surely.
Helly was grievously good to look at: tall and spare, all flat planes, wide shoulders, big hands and feet, with big cheekbones and a long mobile mouth. Her eyes were pale green and her skin was really quite pale too, not golden like the advertisements. Her spiky hair was blond out of a bottle, with the roots left deliberately darker. The children came and watched Helly and David as if they were a show. Lily reached out a finger and stroked the velvet of Helly’s sleeve; Rose put on her Superman cape especially for David, who didn’t notice. He never knew what he was supposed to say to people’s children, he confessed. Helly was the one who made all the efforts, she’d brought them things, and she talked to them in a chaffing ironic voice that Clare knew (she knew Helly very well) meant she was slightly afraid of them, not sure what they were thinking or how to please them. Coco (Jacob), the oldest and a boy, was deeply suspicious of both visitors. He winced at Helly’s silver lip ring and ignored her, as if it was kinder not to draw attention to how she shamed herself by wearing it; but he was drawn, almost against his better judgment, to the laptop. Even Toby—infuriatingly because he was twenty-one and should have been backing Clare up as a fellow adult—sat dumbly smiling and blushing in spite of all Helly’s efforts to bring him out (she would be much more confident of how to please him, not because she had known him since he was a boy, but because he was a man now, and couldn’t take his eyes off the lip ring).
Ten years, eleven years ago, they wo
rked out, David and Clare and Helly had all lived in this city, but had not known one another. David had even been in the sixth form with a boy Clare went out with for six months. They’d had so many teenage haunts in common, a pub, a club, even the city reference library where they revised for A levels: so many mutual acquaintances, it seemed impossible they hadn’t met.
—I’m just beginning to remember, said David. When I see you two together. It’s starting to come back to me.
—Don’t believe him, laughed Helly. He’s just flirting.
He was flirting, although Clare presumed he was only using his flirtation with her in some game with Helly. She was as aware of the unaccustomed aura of flirtation in her house as she was of the unaccustomed cigarette smoke: both things made her anxious and excited at once, and she was bracing herself already for when Bram came in. He would sniff them both out immediately, and disapprove of them, although he would be as always—infallibly—courteous and friendly. This was why Clare didn’t see Helly very often any more. It stretched her too painfully, having to defend Helly from Bram’s disapproval while mobilizing inside herself all her best arguments against how Helly’s life tempted her and invited her and made her envious.
—Did you know someone called Tim Dashwood? David asked.
—Tim Dashwood? No, said Clare.
—Yes, we did, said Helly. Remember? We went to parties at his flat. Very naughty parties. Pas devant les enfants. Where we got up to all sorts of things.
—What did you do at the naughty parties? asked Lily.
—Lots of rubbish, I expect, said Coco.
—That’s exactly right, said Helly. You’re so right. Lots and lots of rubbish. And d’you know what we used to wear? I’ll bet you can’t imagine your mummy dressed entirely in black clothes, with a black bustier, and black eye makeup and fingernails and lipstick and earrings. We were briefly gothic. It didn’t last. But that was the Tim Dashwood period. We didn’t know him well. He wasn’t particularly gothic. Bit of a bloodsucker, perhaps. He and his friends must have been older than us.
—Black lipstick! Yuk! said Lily. What’s a bustier?
—Something silly that ladies wear, like underwear, on top of their clothes.
—I suddenly had a feeling that that was where I was remembering you from, said David. I’m sure I can remember Clare at one of Tim’s parties.
—No, you can’t, said Clare quickly. Not if I can’t remember it. I don’t even remember such a person.
—Can you remember me there? Helly asked him.
—Perhaps. Did you use to have long plaits?
—Long gothic ones, naturally.
—Then maybe, maybe.
—If I ever look in my old diaries from those days, said Clare, which mostly I don’t—it’s too hideous—I feel as if I’m reading about someone else. Not just people I knew that I can’t remember, and places I went and things I did, but feelings I felt, things I wanted. It doesn’t connect to me as I am now.
—You keep a diary, do you?
—Oh, not anymore. I wouldn’t keep one now.
—She’s got volumes of them. She used to write pages every night.
—It’s so embarrassing. The entries begin with things like: calories so far today, one centimeter of toothpaste, 5. Or I know that now I will never, ever, be happy again in my whole life about some boy whose name I can’t even remember from his initials.
—So what do you remember from Tim Dashwood’s party, David? asked Helly.
He was simply the wrong scale for the little room crowded with books and pictures and delicate ceramics (Clare’s father was a potter). He was sitting in his leather coat, jammed with one leg crossed over the other knee into the most comfortable chair in the house (which was not all that comfortable). He shook his leg in a nervous habit, showing a stretch of big brown hairy calf above his scarlet sock, drumming his fingers on the arms of the chair. At least he had taken off his shades. His eyes exposed without them were comical, doleful, as if they were pulled down into his cheeks; he had a large head with decisive features and thick dark hair standing straight up from his forehead. He smiled consideringly. Rose put a small fat hand onto his knee, which he ignored.
—I don’t remember much. You know what his parties were like. That used to be the general point, didn’t it? To get so out of it you couldn’t remember much.
—Out of what? asked Lily.
* * *
CLARE AND HELLY had met at Amery-James High School for Girls; from twelve to twenty they had lived in an intimacy they would never attain again with anybody else. In the very process of their formation they were intertwined, like two trees growing up in the same space. They learned to smoke together, practicing at home (Clare’s home, with more liberal parents) under one another’s critical scrutiny until it looked right. Now Clare, who had given it up, saw that Helly still tilted up her chin and blew her smoke off to one side in the way they had decided was most flattering. At school they made a secret pact of resistance (the school motto was So hateth she derknesse; they determined to love it); the pact was sealed by an exchange of drops of menstrual blood on tissues folded and wound around with hairs pulled from one another’s heads. They went shoplifting together (for clothes, mostly, and makeup): testing themselves, initiating themselves into the kind of adulthood they aspired to, transgressive, toughened, disrespectful (the opposite to the one Amery-James aspired to on their behalf). Helly carried the shoplifting off with flair, Clare was cowardly and full of dread. Clare was the theorist and Helly was the one who acted. Clare was the feminist—when they were fifteen they read her stepmother’s old copy of The Female Eunuch together, squeezed side by side on their stomachs on Helly’s bed—but it was Helly who later rode a motorbike and went out on her own to pubs and clubs and mostly dismissed contemptuously the boys who asked her out. Clare always suspected and concealed a secret abjection in herself, some treachery of neediness toward the other sex, which seemed to fulfill itself when they were in their early twenties and the serious business of life became men. The girls turned their backs on one another then, ruthlessly cutting away old lives and connections because they thought they had found, at last, the life they really wanted.
* * *
CLARE WAS PUTTING the Parmesan toasts in the oven when Bram came in through the back door. He was working on a two-year project recording the ecology of an area of mudflats and coastal grassland that would be covered by water when the new barrage, an artificial dam for the city’s marina, was completed. At weekends volunteer groups came down to help and he had to be there to supervise, but he’d promised to be home for lunch. She was relieved that he came in the back way because it meant Helly and David would not see him in his unflattering cycling helmet. He was so without vanity (genuinely, she was sure: she had probed for it deeply enough) that she sometimes thought he looked for ways to make himself ugly, to undo the effect of gentleness he couldn’t help; he was blond and delicate with a forward-thrust lower jaw that made him soften his consonants when he spoke.
—So what’s this one like? he asked, taking off the helmet, running his head under the cold tap, scouring himself with the towel.
—He’s perfectly friendly. I think he’s nice. After the last one, anyway. (After Helly brought the last one to visit them, Clare had found scorched silver foil in the bathroom and feared the worst.) He’s a bit too much, though.
—Too much of what?
—They sort of fill the place up.
—She always brings several changes of clothes, doesn’t she? Just in case.
—You can hardly get past their luggage in the hall.
—And I suppose you’ve been hearing all about the cultural delights of the capital?
—Oh, they’ve been everywhere and done everything. And know everyone, of course.
This rehearsal of mutual ironic judgment felt comradely and consoling, but as soon as Bram went to talk to the visitors and Clare was left setting the table she was filled with unreasonable resentment at his
tone. They hadn’t really talked much about London; mostly, she and Helly had talked about the old days. It was Clare’s own fault if she had taken away any impression that things in London were more brilliant and thrilling than down here.
The lunch went off all right. At least, the soup was good, and there seemed to be plenty of talk, although perhaps most of it was Helly’s and David’s: Helly told them funny stories about the shoot for the ice-cream ad (she imitated the voice-over for them: Forgive yourself: it’s irresistible), and David seemed to hold forth on every topic, he knew someone or he’d read something or he’d once worked somewhere. He even managed to find some kind of software program to talk about to Bram: mostly Bram didn’t try to compete whenever the conversation was noisy. Clare was used to presuming, wincingly defensively, that Helly must think Bram was dull and stolid. Helly always made a point of trying to coax him out of what she probably imagined was his shell. Clare winced defensively for Helly too. She had no idea how Bram recoiled from her coaxing.
Toby got it all on his video. Both visitors tried encouraging him out from behind his viewfinder: David had friends in a video production company he should get in touch with, Helly lit his cigarette for him (Clare hated Toby smoking) and tried to draw him out on the subject of himself. But he couldn’t resist how the shots framed themselves around David and Helly, how their clothes and scent and cigarette smoke and loud laughter crowded the space, and how dingy they managed to make ordinary family life seem. Rose tipped over her orange juice. Lily and Rose wouldn’t eat the onion soup. Coco had broken his glasses, which had to be mended with sticking plaster until they could get to the optician’s on Monday. For some reason Clare was exasperated at this, and at how patiently Bram mopped up Rose’s orange juice with a cloth, although she knew this was unfair and knew how much more exasperated she would have been if he hadn’t mopped it.
She had taken a few minutes before lunch to change into a dress and brush out her hair and spray on perfume. She wasn’t sure whether she was really flirting with David at that point; she was making up to him, flattering him, because that would make everything go smoothly, Helly would be satisfied, and he would be at least kept sweet for the afternoon. She could see herself, when she watched the video later, backing away in front of them down the path of their weekend, his and Helly’s, sweeping and sprinkling it ahead of them with her interest and her attention, helping to damp down David’s impatience to be gone.
