“I haven’t lived with him in well over a year, but I know he’s been miserable since his father died.”
“When did he pass?”
“New Year’s Day.”
“So it’s been two months?”
“Yes. He’s been trying to get back with me ever since.”
“But you’ve moved on.”
“Thankfully.”
“Can you tell me how he ended up with a wife and children? The last time we had any sort of communication you guys were still a couple and very happy.”
I gave him an abridged version of our breakup, starting with Noriko’s appearance. As I recounted the series of events, I remembered all the bad decisions Cole and his father had made without my knowledge, and I could feel my blood pressure rising again. Eileen’s false accusation aggravated the fuck out of me, and I was tempted to hunt her down and toss it back in her face. Most of the choices within our relationship had been made for me rather than with me.
“So he’s filled with regret,” John concluded.
“I’ll say that’s fairly accurate.”
John shook his head, appearing devastated. “Cole has been conflicted from the first day we met. He’s had issues with being blind, gay, and the only male heir to the Fujiwara fortune. I’m not surprised he chose the path to surrogacy after the new form of genetic testing became available to him, but I am shocked he was so underhanded. Moreover, an attempted suicide is only a symptom of something greater—Paternal Postnatal Depression comes to mind.”
“Come on, John. He didn’t carry those twins.”
“I’m serious, Sloan. Many new fathers go through the same postpartum depression as their wives, and sometimes the results are far worse.”
“I had no idea.”
“Men don’t talk about it because they feel it would unman them in the eyes of their partner or society. It’s a very serious condition and can result in long-term suffering if left untreated.”
“What are the symptoms?”
“The signs of depression in men are a little different from the easily recognizable symptoms in women. Some of the more common ones are increased anger and conflict with others, reckless behavior, such as extramarital sex, ongoing physical symptoms like headaches or stomachaches, emotional withdrawal, fatigue, and feelings of worthlessness.”
“I’ve seen Cole exhibit several of those.”
“It’s a good indicator that something’s not right. Recurrent thoughts of suicide and alcohol or drug abuse are also symptoms of depression in men. Sleep deprivation, which is an ongoing problem with new parents, can make you do crazy things as well. Add sexual frustration to the mix, and you have a man in crisis. There’s always a possibility of physical danger to the children. You have heard of mothers drowning their kids?”
“Cole would never endanger his children.”
“Maybe not, but did you think he’d be capable of hurting himself?”
“No. I knew he was upset when I wouldn’t go back to him, but I never thought suicide was his second choice. I’m in love with Trent, John. I can’t force myself to fall in love with Cole because it’s best for him. I care for him deeply and would do just about anything to make him whole again, but don’t ask me to give up Trent.”
“I’m not. Cole is wrong to expect you to walk right back into a failed relationship. I know how much you loved him, Sloan, and I appreciate what you must have suffered when he decided to go through with his father’s plan.”
“It almost destroyed me.”
“You mustn’t let this incident guilt you into going back to Cole. You both made your choices, and like it or not, he has to learn how to live with his.”
“What if he tries this again?”
“There’s always a risk, but you have a right to be happy, and his mental stability, or lack thereof, shouldn’t impact your life. We’ll put him on antidepressants, and I’ll be available 24/7, if necessary, to counsel him.”
“Do you think it’ll work?”
“It can’t hurt, and people have been known to get better through a combination of meds and psychiatric help. It’s his only option. Even if you were fool enough to go back to him, he’d never be the same man. Too much has transpired, and there’s the very real issue of a wife and children who need him.”
“Cole can’t see any benefit to having one or the other.”
“Well, we’ll have to work on him, won’t we?”
“How?”
“Be a good friend to him, Sloan.”
“A friend with benefits?”
“Absolutely not!”
“Thank Christ. I have no desire to hop into his bed.”
“Cole needs to come to terms with so many other issues in his life. There can be no sexual ambiguity on your part.”
“Trust me, there’s nothing ambiguous about this. I’m not in love with him anymore.”
“Then stick to your guns. Don’t let him talk you into doing anything you’ll both regret.”
Been there and done that. “What should I do now?”
“Let him know you have his back, but don’t give him false hope. He needs to accept your decision about the future. Perhaps he and Trent could learn to tolerate each other, and this way you could have some role in Cole’s life. He mentioned one of the reasons he was upset was because he had hoped you’d co-father the twins. If you can’t be their dad, you can certainly be a doting uncle or godfather.”
“I’m not comfortable with the idea. It could easily lead to misinterpretations on everyone’s part.”
“Tell him.”
“Okay.”
We made our way back upstairs. Eileen was nowhere in sight, which was a huge relief. It would be impossible to hold my tongue if she lost control again. Noriko had recovered some of her equilibrium since the doctor mentioned Cole would survive, and for the first time since we’d met, I actually felt sorry for her. She was as much a victim as Cole and I. She didn’t deserve my scathing remarks any more than I deserved Eileen’s.
“Why don’t we sit down and come up with some sort of game plan,” I suggested when we got together in the waiting room. “John is going to help Cole, and if you will let me be a part of this, maybe we can pool our resources and work together.”
Her relief was palpable, and I felt a hundred times better for having stepped up.
“Thank you, Sloan.”
“Don’t thank me until Cole is better.”
“I’m sure he will recover now that you and the doctor will help.”
“I’ll do the best I can, Mrs. Fujiwara,” John said reassuringly.
“Please, call me Noriko,” she said, bowing from the waist.
Chapter 27
While waiting for Trent to return, I asked to see Cole one more time. I wanted him to understand why they wouldn’t let him move about freely. Although it was procedure, it still felt like punishment to me, and I didn’t want Cole kept in the dark. John’s theory on Cole’s depression made perfect sense, and I wanted to reassure him somehow.
Walking back into his cubicle in the ICU was sobering, the beeping monitors a grim reminder of death. The thought of what might have happened overwhelmed me, and my tears rose unbidden. I pulled up a chair and rested my hand on his. He was still strapped down, but his fingers were free, and he lifted them by way of greeting.
“Shogun, can you hear me?”
“I’m not deaf, Sloan.”
“Your eyes were closed. I thought you might be asleep.”
“I’ve been asleep, but the pain in my gut keeps waking me up.”
“I’ll tell them to give you more joy juice.”
“Nah, it serves as a good reminder of my stupidity.”
“You’re anything but.”
“Be that as it may. I don’t understand how I couldn’t manage to pull this off. I stuck the knife in to the hilt, but I must have passed out before I could do any real damage.”
“Thank God. According to the doctor, if the blade had been a few inches to the right, you would ha
ve been a goner.”
“I should have just swallowed a handful of pills instead of trying to act like a fucking samurai. All I am is a pathetic blind man.”
“There’s nothing pathetic about you.”
“Say what you will. I know the truth. Where’s Freddie, Sloan?”
“I bet he’s still in the apartment wondering what the hell is going on.”
“You need to get him,” Cole implored. “Please.”
“I’ll go in a minute, but I want to say something before I leave.”
“What is it?”
“I had a long talk with John, and he thinks you’re suffering from Paternal Postnatal Depression.”
“Is there such a thing?”
“Apparently. He said it’s a common condition with new dads. Nobody talks about it, though.”
“I have been really despondent since they were born.”
“Cole, you’ve been acting weird for a while now.”
He averted his face, but I could tell he was on the verge of tears again. “We’re going to fix this, okay?”
“Whose we?”
“John, Noriko, and I are going to do everything in our power to make you better.”
“You’re including Noriko?”
“She’s the mother of your kids and has a vested interest. She should be a part of this.”
“Maybe I am dead after all.”
“Stop it. I’m trying to help.”
“Will you be back in my life again?”
“Yes, as a friend.”
He released a shuddering breath and squeezed his eyes shut, but it was too late. I saw the tears rolling down his cheeks, and I bent over and kissed him gently. “You’re not alone, Cole. I’ll always be here for you, but our relationship has to be different. You need to accept our new normal before we can move on.”
“What if I can’t? Some people don’t have the ability to bounce back from a breakup. I’m not joining Grindr when I’m still in love with you. Why can’t you forgive me?”
“I have, Cole. I didn’t realize it until tonight, but I can honestly say I’ve forgiven you for all the crap you put me through last year. It doesn’t mean we’ll get back together. Our romance is over, but you’ll always be my friend. Let me help you through this.”
“You can’t watch over me day and night. The next time I try to kill myself, I might actually succeed.”
“And it’s talk like this that’ll keep you in restraints indefinitely. You’re going on meds and into counseling under John’s expert care. We plan on guarding you like a rare orchid. If I have to nag you into sanity, I will. Enough talk about dying. You have two little boys who need you, and damn it, Shogun, you can’t desert them. Find those big balls I know you have and get with the program.”
“You haven’t even seen my boys,” Cole accused.
“We’re going to your apartment to pick up Freddie, and I’ll meet the twins. It’s about time I set eyes on them.”
“I’m sleepy….”
“Get some rest, Cole. I’ll be back with Freddie in no time.”
“Thank you.”
I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and left the room. I wasn’t sure how much of our conversation he’d retain, but I felt much more optimistic now that we’d discussed our feelings.
Noriko agreed to accompany me to the apartment to pick up Freddie. The poor animal must have been frantic wondering what happened to his master.
She unlocked the front door, and I walked into an apartment I didn’t recognize. Every square inch was covered with baby paraphernalia, and the sounds of crying infants in the background added to the general confusion. Freddie was wild with excitement, running circles around me and barking.
“Stop,” I commanded. “Sit down and behave.”
He responded immediately and I patted him on the head. “Do you have any rawhide treats?” I asked Noriko, hoping to give him a reward. I’d have to start buying them again for future encounters.
“Yes, in the kitchen.”
I followed her down the hallway, walking through a land mine of stuff. I had no idea what half of the items were or what purpose they served. It was like stepping into a reality series for hoarders. “Jesus, Noriko. Could this place get anymore cluttered?”
“We don’t have enough room for everything.”
“Why haven’t you guys moved? It’s not like he can’t afford it.”
“Cole wasn’t interested. Once we put his books and computer into the bedroom, there was no need for him to deal with any of the mess out here. He hardly ever comes out.”
“I don’t blame him. Do you have any idea how fussy Cole is?”
“Is he?”
Jesus… who was this woman kidding? “Cole has always been anal retentive about his personal space. When we lived together he’d go crazy if anything was out of place. If you want to help him, the first thing you need to address is this Toys-R-Us dump zone. Some of those boxes haven’t even been opened.”
“It is rather crowded, isn’t it?”
“Ya think?”
The kitchen was as bad as the rest of the house. There was a playpen in the corner with two dark-haired infants yelling their heads off. A Japanese woman in her twenties was trying to quiet them down by shoving pacifiers into their open mouths. They reminded me of baby birds screeching for worms.
“Sloan, this is my friend Tamiko.”
“How’s it going?” I scrutinized the young woman, who looked weighed down by the responsibility. “Is this crying fairly common?”
“They are hungry.”
“Why haven’t you fed them?”
“Noriko breast-feeds but didn’t leave any milk.”
“I didn’t have a chance to pump,” Noriko apologized. “We left in a bit of a hurry.”
“I’ll bet. Why don’t you feed them now? I can wait.”
“Would you like to hold Niki while I feed Keni?”
“I’ve never held an infant before.”
“It’s easy,” Noriko said, reassuring me. She placed Niki in the crook of my arm, and the kid stopped crying. When he gazed at me with Cole’s deep blue eyes I couldn’t help but feel a tugging at my heart. It was hard to imagine anyone turning their back on this innocent child who really had no control over anything in life other than what the adults around him could provide. I felt very protective suddenly. He was my namesake and, in essence, a responsibility I would be happy to assume.
“God, he’s beautiful,” I said, looking up at Noriko in awe. “He’s a perfect combination of you both.”
Noriko beamed at my compliment. It was probably the first nice thing I’d said to her since we met. “Thank you, Sloan. Keni looks more like me,” she said, moving forward so I could have a better look at the other twin.
“He’s adorable.”
Her smile grew wider. “My only regret is that Cole can’t appreciate how beautiful his children are.”
“Yes, he probably wishes he could see them. When things are back to normal, he’ll realize there’s much to live for.”
Haltingly, Noriko asked. “Are you going to reconsider his proposal?”
“I’m afraid not. But I will help him get through his depression and continue to be his friend… and yours, if you’ll allow it.”
“Thank you.”
“Have you thought to ask if the unit next door is for sale? Maybe you guys could buy it and add some much needed space.”
“Cole usually handles all our financials.”
“Would you allow me to investigate?”
“If he gives the okay.”
“I’ll talk to him tomorrow. I think a large part of his unhappiness stems from the disorder around here. You forget he’s blind because he’s so smart. But stop and think what it’s like to walk around in the dark and bump into an unexpected object. It can be annoying as hell and very discouraging. Add that to the other feelings he’s had to deal with, like his father’s death, our breakup, his suppressed sexuality. It’s enough to choke the st
rongest of men.”
“I never thought of it in those terms. I kept thinking he despised me and wanted me to go so you could return.”
“I honestly don’t think he hates you, Noriko. He hates himself.”
“Do you think he’ll ever recover?”
“I think he will if we put our heads together, you, me, and Dr. Butterman. Cole might claw his way out of this dark place.”
“I hope so.”
Chapter 28
While Noriko finished breast-feeding, I went down to the lobby to try to get some information. The doorman remembered me and didn’t hesitate when I asked for a list of available units. I was surprised there were so many. In the past, these vacancies would have been snapped up in a heartbeat, but the poor economy was affecting Manhattan real estate, and this could work in Cole’s favor. It was a buyer’s market right now, and he had several options.
Finding a bigger place in the same building, where he could house Noriko and the twins, was the perfect solution, to my mind. He could take back his life, along with his sanity, and in the event he started dating again, he’d have someplace to bring a man without being subjected to Noriko’s scrutiny. I had no idea if he’d stay married or not. Being given carte blanche to cheat was unheard of, but Noriko seemed determined to help Cole find happiness within the framework of their unusual marriage. If he was lucky enough to find someone who was willing to play second fiddle to his wife and kids, then I was all for it. So long as it wasn’t me.
By the time I returned, Noriko had showered and changed, appearing more like the woman I’d first met, instead of a lost soul. She’d shampooed her hair and even put on some makeup. Her outfit was understated but stylish.
“You look nice,” I said, trying to put her at ease. “Is that a Stella McCartney?”
She nodded. “You know your designers, don’t you?”
“I work with a lot of them. Is everything under control here?”
“Yes, thank you. The twins have been fed, and Tami will watch them until I come home. I’d like to visit Cole if they’ll let me.”
“We’ll make sure they allow it. Come on, Freddie. Let’s go and see your master.”
Cleave (Cutting Cords Series Book 3) Page 16
