Cleave (Cutting Cords Series Book 3)

by Mickie B. Ashling

  Trent was already at the hospital when we arrived, and I found him chatting amiably with John in the waiting room. “You’re back,” he exclaimed when we walked in the room.

  “Mission accomplished. Freddie can resume his duties at Cole’s side. I’m sure this hospital has seen their fair share of guide dogs.”

  “No doubt,” Trent said, nodding. “He may have to go home for the night. I don’t think they have the facilities or the staff to care for a dog.”

  “Noriko can bring him back and forth, right?” I turned toward her, and she agreed immediately.

  “I’ll make sure he comes to visit every day.”

  “Good, that’s settled, then. How’s Cole?”

  “He’s asleep and pain free,” John stated. “We’ve started him on antidepressants, and I’m hoping the drugs, along with my daily visits, will improve his attitude. It’s going to take several weeks to find the right combination for him, but I won’t quit until we do. Are you planning to stop by again?”

  “I can be here after four tomorrow.”

  “Then it’s a date,” the older man said with a smile. “Enjoy what’s left of today.”

  “Thanks, John. As usual, you’re going to save the day.”

  “You always were self-effacing, Sloan.”

  “Me?”

  “It’s one of your best traits.”

  “You’re absolutely right,” Trent agreed. He and John seemed to have grown quite comfortable with each other. “We’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  “I’ll be here.”

  On the way home, I told Trent about Cole’s chaotic apartment, my conversation with John, and his theory why Cole was suffering from depression.

  “It’s as good an explanation as any I’ve heard,” he said. “At least John will have a starting point instead of wading through a lifetime of conflict.”

  “Cole has always had mountains of baggage, but John is familiar with most of it.”

  “How did you deal with it?”

  “I loved him so much I was willing to overlook a lot of his issues. Plus, he was there for me when I needed him. My cutting was out of control, and Cole’s love gave me back my life. We were good for each other for a long time, but then the baby thing came along, and it all went to shit.”

  “I want to say I’m sorry, but I’m not,” Trent said, leaning over for a kiss. “I wouldn’t have stood a chance otherwise.”

  “Who’s to say we wouldn’t have met anyway?” We were standing at Trent’s front door by then and fumbling with keys.

  “Inside, babe,” Trent ordered. After we closed and locked the door behind us, he deepened the kiss, and we stood there for a good three minutes, savoring each other. “I missed you,” he sighed, breaking the lip-lock.

  “You’ve been so supportive throughout all of this. I can’t thank you enough.”

  “Oh, I can think of several ways you can show your appreciation,” Trent said huskily. “You can start by getting on your knees.”

  “Yes, sir,” I said obediently, knowing how much it turned him on. He was rock hard when I unzipped his pants and tugged them down his legs. The boxers followed quickly, and I took him in my mouth, showing him exactly how grateful I was. By the time he shot his load down my throat, he knew how much he was valued.

  “Come,” he said, taking my hand and heading to the bedroom. It was in the same state of disarray we’d left it when we blew out of the room this morning. “We should get a housekeeper,” I commented. “If we had one, the bed would be in perfect order, and I wouldn’t have to deal with changing the sheets.”

  “So get one. We can afford it.”

  “Really? Cole never allowed it.”

  “Cole who?”

  I laughed and threw my arms around him. “Do you mind fucking on crumpled bedsheets?”

  “I’d nail you on a tarp in the middle of a desert.”

  “Ooh, such a romantic,” I teased. “How about showing me some appreciation, Master?”

  He started by pulling off my clothes, and when I was naked, he led me toward the bed and gathered me close. “How do you want it, babe?”

  “Face to face.”

  He worshiped me with his mouth, showing me how very much I was loved, and once again, I was reminded of all the unexpected things he’d done for me today.

  “I love you,” I whispered, seconds before he sank into me. He hovered over my body, resting his full weight on his elbows with my head caught in between, and his agate eyes sparkled like diamonds.

  “I love you too,” he said, burying his cock deep within. “So… damn… much,” he huffed, timing the words with each thrust. He lifted one of my legs to his shoulder to gain better access, and I felt a ripple of sensation as the tip of his cock grazed my prostate. It was heavenly, and when he hit my sweet spot a few more times, I clutched his neck and came in a warm gush. He climaxed shortly after, and he shuddered in my arms as he poured into me.

  “Love you,” I reiterated. “Thank you for being so kind today.”

  “It’s easy to be magnanimous when you’ve won the prize. I don’t think I’d be this understanding if you were on the fence about us.”

  “Is that what I am to you? The trophy at the end of the game?”

  “Was there ever a contest? I think my ego got in the way of my brain. I knew you loved me as soon as we got back from England. I should have acknowledged my feelings sooner so you weren’t left wondering about our future. Cole would have never been able to get to first base if I had been more forthcoming.”

  “Probably not. Do you think he’ll get over this suicide attempt?”

  “John and I talked about it at length while you were gone. You’d have to be at the end of the road, a step away from insanity, to do what Cole did. I’ve seen it before when I was stationed in Iraq. The suicide bombers had this look in their eyes, almost like the walking dead, zombies ready to pull the plug or the switch. The inconvenience of actually having to end their life was almost anticlimactic. Cole must have stepped into some black hole to attempt such an act.”

  “He said he’d fasted for two days, getting into a meditative state and cleansing his bowels so there wouldn’t be a big mess, but he was shocked out of his trance by the pain. Do you know what’s involved in a seppuku? He was supposed to run the blade back and forth across his abdomen and basically spill his guts out onto the floor. What was he thinking? There are easier ways to kill oneself.”

  “He should have jumped off the Verrazano Bridge.”

  “I wouldn’t have survived the guilt.”

  “You and your goddamn guilt.”

  “I can’t shut it off because it’s inconvenient. I’ll always feel something for Cole. I’m no longer in love with him, but he’ll have my support whenever he needs it. I hope you can understand.”

  “Unfortunately, I do.”

  “And you’re okay with it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, I forgot to tell you.”

  “What?”

  “I saw the babies!”

  “Yeah?”

  “They’re so cute… one of them looks just like him. The other one is more Noriko than Cole.”

  “Please tell me you don’t want kids.”

  “I really don’t, but I’d like the opportunity to be a doting godfather.”

  “Did Cole ask you?”

  “I think it would help the cause.”

  Trent sighed. “I suppose you’ll expect me to get on the diaper rotation as well. Do you have any idea how much you’ve changed me?”

  “Well, it’s a two-way street, sir. We’ve changed each other.”

  “Just remember who’s in charge here.”

  I started to giggle and laughed out loud when he cuffed me upside my head.

  Chapter 29

  I awoke to Noriko’s soft touch as she swept back the hair covering my forehead. She’d never touched me without my permission, but I wasn’t in any position to object. Being strapped down in a hospital bed and recovering from
a near suicide were reasons enough to break some rules. Was it better to pretend I was still asleep, or should I acknowledge her presence? It felt good to be caressed without any expectations. It was a part of my life I’d missed after Sloan and I broke up. He was an affectionate man, and while I had him, I never gave it much thought, but then he left, and I felt the loss.

  “How long have you been here?” I asked, hoping it hadn’t been too long. One of the things I’d regretted after surgery was the pain I’d put her through. She didn’t deserve any of this.

  “I just got here,” she said. “Freddie’s with me.”

  “He is?” I tried moving my arm out so I could pet him, but I was still strapped to a board. “Noriko, ask them to take off these restraints.”

  “Is there a problem, Mr. Fujiwara?” a stern voice broke the silence. “There’s a reason for the straps.”

  “Would you take them off for a few minutes so I can pet my dog? You can stay and watch in case you’re worried I might turn into a knife-wielding ninja.”

  “There’s no need for sarcasm, sir. I’ll be happy to remove the restraints for a few minutes.”

  “While you stand guard making sure I don’t plunge a dagger into my heart.”

  “This attitude will get you nowhere.”

  “Untie me, will you? I just want to pet my damn dog.”

  I felt her fumbling at my wrist and soon my right hand was free. “Come here, buddy.”

  Freddie sniffed my hand, and soon I was running my fingers through his soft fur. “Good boy. You missed me, didn’t you?”

  He woofed an affirmative, and I couldn’t help smiling. I’d missed him too. He’d been a part of my life for over six years, and doing without him was unthinkable. I knew he would have been despondent if I’d left the apartment in a body bag. Throughout my depression, I never thought of the people I’d leave behind. But my failed attempt to end it all brought a moment of intense clarity. There were a number of people who would have been devastated by my departure, and my failure to carry it off put a different perspective on my life. It was like being reborn. The sound of human activity, the comforting presence of my dog, and the touch of Noriko’s hand were magnified, and for the first time in months, I was happy to be alive.

  “How are the boys?”

  “They’re fine, Cole-sama. Sloan finally got to hold them. He said Niki looks just like you.”

  “Did he?” I was incredibly pleased that Sloan had taken the time to visit the kids. I had dreamed he’d be a part of their lives, and his decision to stay away had been one of the reasons I’d felt so isolated. Maybe something good would come out of my inane attempt to end my life. If he took an interest in the kids, it was possible he might look at me without wanting to knock my head off. I no longer had any illusions about getting back together. He was in a good relationship with a man who’d put him ahead of duty, unlike me. It was a truth I’d have to live with for the rest of my life. If I hadn’t come to the realization on my own, John Butterman was there to remind me in his usual blunt fashion.

  “Get over it, Cole.” He followed up with a hug and a smack on the cheek. I’d missed his tough love and was sorry I’d kept him out of the loop. If I’d only picked up the phone and sought his help, things might have ended differently.

  “Did Sloan really say Niki looked like me?”

  “Yes.”

  The twins had been around for two months, and I’d never thought to ask these questions before. Other than my initial query, I hadn’t cared enough to wonder who or what they looked like. The only things I focused on were the smell of their diapers and the constant wailing. It was extremely selfish, and I needed to make things right.

  “What about Keni?”

  “He looks more like me.”

  “They say you’re beautiful, but my first impression was fuzzy, and then everything turned black.”

  Noriko reached for my hand and laid it on her cheek. “Now you can see me,” she said softly. “You’ve never even tried.”

  She was right―I’d never bothered touching her in a loving way. I wondered if she suffered from this neglect or if she had found romance outside our home. Not for the first time, I wished we were sexually compatible. Things would be so much simpler.

  “May I?”

  “Yes, please.”

  I traced her full lips with my thumb and moved my fingers to her eyebrows. They were soft as silk and arched in a gentle curve. Long, thick eyelashes completed my mental picture. “Your eyes are hazel, right?”

  “Correct.”

  My hands continued to explore her face, feeling her tiny nose that tilted slightly at the end. Her cheeks were smooth and rounded and felt like those of the babies. Noriko’s hair brushed against my fingers when my hand moved to her neck. “Your hair is long?”

  “It’s easier to pull it back in a ponytail than style it every day. I don’t have time anymore.”

  “I know the twins are a handful. Isn’t Tami any help?”

  “She is.”

  “Describe their eyes,” I prompted. “Are they like yours or mine?”

  “They both have dark blue, almond-shaped eyes.”

  “What color is their skin?”

  “Tea colored.”

  “Their hair?”

  “Jet black.”

  “They’re going to be lookers when they grow up.”

  “I think so.”

  I prayed they’d be happy as well as good-looking. Happiness was an elusive state of mind I’d been chasing most of my life. Settling for some peace was much more doable; however, my children shouldn’t have to settle. They would have choices I’d never been allowed, hampered by my failing eyesight and my father’s expectations. I vowed to give my boys as much freedom as possible, allowing them to decide how they would live and love. If I had been given the same courtesy, perhaps my life would have been different. Who could say for sure? Experience had only proven that burdening a child with a parent’s dream was a road to disaster. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, least of all my kids.

  “What else did you and Sloan talk about?”

  “Space.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He said our apartment looked like a dump. He didn’t understand why we haven’t moved.”

  “I don’t want to move. I like our neighborhood.”

  “What if we got another apartment in the building? He said there were several available.”

  “I don’t know, Noriko. I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

  “Do you want me to go?”

  “It’s up to you. What about Freddie?”

  “He can’t stay, Cole. He’ll have to go back with me.”

  “Bring him tomorrow?”

  “I will.”

  “I’m sorry for putting this all on your shoulders.”

  “Please, don’t worry. I’m your wife, and this is part of what I do.”

  “You do everything for me, and I’ve never appreciated you.”

  “Maybe now you will?”

  God, I hoped so. If I could just stop thinking about Sloan and what we had, maybe I’d be able to move on and make a life for us. “Have you and Sloan put your differences aside?”

  “We are communicating in a more positive way.”

  “I suppose that’s all we can ask for given your history.”

  “I have no ill feelings for him. I wish he’d been more accepting of my role in your life. I never assumed I’d take his place, but he seemed uncompromising.”

  I nodded in agreement. “Sloan wasn’t in favor of this arrangement, but I never admitted there was any truth to his objections. This entire mess is my fault.”

  “What would you have done differently?”

  “Move to California. We could have had the babies over there without any need to marry.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “So am I, but we can’t undo anything.”

  “What happens now, Cole? Will you push me out of your life as soon as you are better
?”

  “I can’t think beyond my next pain pill, Noriko.”

  “I understand.”

  “I know this last year has been difficult, and I haven’t done a thing to make your life any easier, but I want to reassure you. My suicide attempt was not your fault in any way.”

  “Thank you for saying that, Cole. As for my life in Japan….” She paused. “You have no idea what it was like before I came to America. What I have now is infinitely better.”

  “Really?” God, what could be worse than living with a man who didn’t love you?

  “Someday I’ll tell you if you care to listen.”

  “I do care, Noriko, and I’ll listen.”

  Chapter 30

  It had been a little over a week since Cole’s attempted suicide, and the doctors had determined he was stable enough to go home. I’d made some changes in his apartment over the last few days, showing Noriko exactly how Cole preferred to live. We moved all of the children’s paraphernalia and Noriko’s things to the rental one floor up. I’d leased it for three months as an experiment. If order and serenity could be reestablished in Cole’s immediate surroundings, he’d be more inclined to start thinking rationally. It would also give him the privacy he deserved during his sessions with John, who’d agreed to visit Cole daily until he was sure the depression was under control. Eventually, John could cut back the visits to twice a week. The spare room was turned back into a study, and the contented look on Cole’s face when he reached for something that was where it should be, without bumping into a playpen, was all the thanks I needed.

  “You’re walking a little better,” I commented.

  “Yes, the fire in my gut seems to be gone.”

  “What a relief. Did they give you enough pain pills?”

  “They’re treating me like a nut case, so all I received were some extra strength ibuprofen.”

  “They’re afraid you’ll try to kill yourself again.”

  “I won’t,” Cole replied. He was leaning against a window and gazing at a vista he could no longer see.

  “Do you promise?” I needed reassurance as well.

  He nodded. “I’ll be glad when the semester starts. I need to get back to work and living.”

  “It’ll be good for you to be around your students again.”