“Sloan, am I being selfish for wanting my old life back?”
“Not if you find room in your schedule for your kids.”
Cole turned to face me. “Are you planning on sticking around?”
“What do you mean?”
“Will you visit regularly, or is it only until I recover?”
“Cole, I’d like to remain friends and even be included in your children’s lives, but Trent is now part of the package. He’s my partner, and soon he’ll be my husband. Wherever I go, he goes. Can you accept that?”
“I’ll never be okay with it, Sloan. You’re mine.”
“No, I’m not.”
It was disturbing to see the flash of anguish rearranging Cole’s features. His eyes filled with tears, and he reached for me with a shaky hand. “Please, Sloan.”
I stepped forward, and he was in my arms and clinging. The deep sobs broke my heart and weakened my resolve. Before picking him up at the hospital, I’d been uneasy and reluctant to be alone with him in case this happened. I had a feeling he might make a last-ditch effort to win me back. Noriko was upstairs getting things settled, and Trent was at work. This would probably be Cole’s only opportunity to plead his case without an audience.
“There must be a part of you that still loves me,” Cole lamented. “Why can’t you give me another chance?”
I shook my head. “Cole….”
“Sloan, I swear I’ll put you first. I’ll divorce Noriko, give her joint custody, and do right by her, but you have to come back to me.”
“Those are things you need to do regardless of what happens between us.”
He grabbed my head and kissed me. He tasted like salt and keened in desperation as he tried to get some kind of reaction. I was filled with pity, and I would have given anything to make this easier for him. I loved Cole, there was no denying it, but I was not in love with him. Even holding him in my arms felt like a betrayal, and I had to be clear about my feelings. As John had reminded me, the last thing Cole needed was false hope.
I pushed him away as gently as possible. “Don’t do this to yourself, Cole. It’s over.”
“Why?”
“Aside from the obvious, I don’t want to be a full-time father. I guess I never did, but I was too afraid to admit it. If I’d been more honest with my feelings, I’d have recognized it wasn’t Noriko I resented as much as the idea of being weighed down by so much responsibility. I’ll try to be a good uncle, and I’ll do what I can to help you, but I want the freedom to travel and live a life I’ve only dreamed of in the past. Trent understands and accepts every facet of my personality. He’s never tried to change me or make me a better person.”
“I don’t want to change you, Sloan.”
“Yes, you do. You have from the very beginning. I’m not the needy twenty-three-year-old who showed up at your doorstep years ago. I’ve matured and making my own decisions―be they right or wrong―is more rewarding than I ever imagined. I smoke occasionally, I drink when I’m in the mood and, yes, I overindulge once in a while, but it’s not the end of the world. Trent doesn’t keep me on a tight leash. I eat whatever the fuck I want and if my breath reeks of beer or garlic I brush my teeth and move on. Staying healthy is not a religious experience. We want to experience life to the fullest, and I can’t with you. I have no desire to be your partner, but I do want us to remain friends.”
Cole let go abruptly and moved away. His imperious mask was firmly back in place. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“I wouldn’t joke about something as important as this.”
“Where’s the discipline I’ve instilled in you through the years?”
“I have never been in a better place, mentally or physically.”
“You’re destroying your lungs and your brain cells every time you light up.”
“We don’t chain smoke―two or three a day at most.”
“For now.”
“Drop it, Cole.”
Thawing slightly, he asked, “Does he make you happy?”
“He not only makes me happy, he makes me feel safe. He’s my Anam Cara.”
“Your what?”
“My soul friend.”
“Turning spiritual suddenly?”
“Don’t be an ass. I heard the term from a special man I met at a bar. You should explore your other side.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the Irish half that endowed you with those gorgeous blue eyes.”
“You mean the fabulous blind eyes?”
“The very same. If you stop being so damned negative, I’ll tell you what other men see when you walk into a room.”
He was gearing up to unleash another zinger but reconsidered after absorbing my statement. “What do they see, Sloan?”
“They see a good-looking guy with a kick-ass body. Your dark hair and indigo eyes are attractive as hell, and you have a great smile.”
“Most people don’t see beyond the dog and the cane.”
“You’re hiding behind your disability again because it’s easier than risking your heart. Believe me, I know. I was terrified after we split, but once I let go of my fears, my life changed. It can happen for you as well. You’re extremely articulate and the most learned man I know. People forget you’re blind once you start talking. You’ve so much to offer the right person, Cole, and he’s out there waiting to be found.”
“And how do you expect me to find him? I’m not about to cruise gay bars or do online dating. That’s never been my style.”
“You don’t even know what your style is. You went from being Juliana’s fiancé to my lover. You’ve never had the freedom to explore your likes and dislikes. Don’t you think it’s about time you find out what Cole Fujiwara really wants in a partner? Not someone your dad pawned off on you or a hero-worshiping kid who badgered you into loving him.”
Cole finally cracked a smile. “You were a pain, but I was never forced to love you. It came naturally.”
“And I’ll always be grateful you let me into your life. You turned me into a healthy and productive member of society.”
“And you helped guide me through my darkest days. I would have never made it without you, Sloan.”
“We were there for each other, Cole, but now it’s time to say goodbye to those two guys. You can find happiness if you open your mind to the possibilities.”
Something must have clicked in Cole’s brain because the cloak of despair he’d been carrying around for weeks lifted like magic.
He ran his fingers through his thick mane―a move I’d always found sexy. “You think I should cut my hair?”
“Fuck no… it’s hot.”
“Is it?” He smiled.
“You better believe it,” I said sincerely. He really was a good-looking guy, and it never hurt to hear a compliment. “Let’s catch a cab, Shogun. I’d like to introduce you to a new friend.”
“Who?”
“The one who told me about the Anam Cara.”
Cole’s natural curiosity and scholarly nature surfaced from the pitiful cavern he’d been dwelling in for so long and he agreed to accompany me to The Tavern. Trent and I had been stopping there almost every day after our visits with Cole at the hospital. We’d have a light dinner and a couple of beers and sit around the fire, enjoying Bryce’s company. He turned out to be much more than a bartender. He owned the place and had a degree in Hotel and Restaurant Management he put to good use running his business. The pub was always crowded with attractive businessmen who weren’t looking for a fast hookup. Most of them were older and successful, judging by their clothes and their manner of speech. I wanted Cole to get comfortable here, and maybe he’d think about coming on his own occasionally. It was a safe place to meet someone, and I was pretty confident Bryce would keep him from falling prey to any lurking assholes.
Bryce was aware of our history and was sympathetic when I told him what had happened recently. I didn’t see the point in keeping the suicide att
empt a secret. He needed to be aware of Cole’s limitations if he was going to play matchmaker, which was my hope. It had to be subtle or Cole would balk. Trent and I were on a mission to find Cole’s Anam Cara, and introducing him to the right people would be the first step.
“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” Bryce called out in his usual cheery voice.
We walked up to the bar, and I reached over the counter to shake his hand. “I’d like you to meet someone.”
“Sure. Let me come around then.”
“This is Professor Cole Fujiwara and his intrepid hound, Freddie.”
“Pleased to meet you both,” Bryce said, taking Cole’s extended hand and shaking it. He was staring at Cole intently, and I saw a spark of interest flicker in Bryce’s green eyes. It gave me hope that I’d done the right thing in bringing Cole to this special place. “Can I get you something to drink, Professor?”
“Please, call me Cole, and I’d love a Guinness.”
“Ah, a discerning man. What about you, Sloan?”
“I’ll have the same.”
Chapter 31
It was the second week in June, and Montauk’s tourist season was already underway. The marina was crowded with fishing boats and private yachts, all vying for a space in the bustling port that officially opened for business in late May. We’d decided on a July 4 wedding, and Sloan and I were meeting with Tin and Max at the Yacht Club to finalize the plans. Unfortunately, they were turning our special day into a fucking photo op despite our protests.
“Trent,” Max explained. “You have to understand you’re both celebrities, and people are interested in everything you do.” He waited for my reaction. I would have been just as content standing in front of a judge at City Hall, but Max was determined to turn our nuptials into a spectacular event. He’d received offers from People, Vogue, Elle, and Gentleman’s Quarterly. Everyone wanted a piece of the action, and I was starting to feel a little sick about the whole thing.
“How many people did you have in mind?”
“At least two hundred.”
“What?” I didn’t know fifty people, let alone two hundred.
“Twenty of them will be press, another ten will be my staff, and at least thirty will be fellow models and their significant others. That’s sixty right there.”
“Jesus.” I turned toward Sloan. “How do you feel about this?”
“I’m trying to tune it out,” he said stoically. “All I’m concerned about is the actual ceremony and our outfits.”
“And why in fuck do I have to wear a kilt?”
“’Cause it’s hot, and you look gorgeous in it.”
I grinned, reading his mind. “I suppose I’ll have to go commando to suit your perverted fantasy.”
“Do you even have to ask?”
“Gentlemen, let’s not digress.” Max said, glaring.
“Aw, come on,” Sloan whined. “It’s the best part of this wedding. Imagining my highlander in full regalia is keeping me distracted enough to ignore the other shit you’re planning.”
“This other shit is going to fund your honeymoon and then some.”
“It’s not like we’re hurting for cash,” I countered.
“Trent,” Max persevered. “I’m talking about the kind of money it takes to buy another apartment, if you choose, or a place out here in Montauk.”
“Seriously?” I couldn’t believe people would fork over so much to see us get married.
“It’s a same-sex celebrity wedding, and most of the tabloids are hoping to cash in on it.”
“Fine,” Sloan said, “let’s get on with this. Trent and I have plans for today.”
“Flowers?” Tin asked.
“I already told you.” Sloan sighed. “I want gerbera daisies in rainbow colors entwined in the white wicker arch.”
“That’s so ordinary, Sloan.”
“I don’t care.”
“Don’t you want something more fashionable?”
“No!”
“How about the music?”
“I’ve got the music,” Max said, looking at us with unconcealed glee.
“Who’d you get?” Sloan asked. “Some old violin quartet?”
“Queen.”
Sloan gaped at him. “Shutthefuckup! Are you serious?”
“I told you I knew them.”
Sloan jumped out of his chair and gave Max a tight hug. “You’re the best.”
“I try.”
“Guys, we’re not done yet,” Tin said. “Trent, are you determined to have cupcakes instead of a wedding cake?” He had this optimistic look on his face, hoping I’d change my mind.
“Hell yes,” I said. “It’s my only request, and, damn it, I want it done.”
Tin rolled his eyes. “So bourgeois.”
“I like the idea of cupcakes,” Sloan said, smiling in my direction.
“We can’t possibly do thirty-one flavors,” Tin commented.
“Then stick with the basics―chocolate, vanilla, lemon, and carrot.”
“Carrot is not basic.”
“It’s my favorite, so deal with it, Tin.”
“Food?”
“We don’t care―just keep the champagne flowing.”
“That goes without saying. Is there anything else you’d like?”
“Will there be reserved seating?” Sloan asked.
“Only the first two rows.”
“Save a spot for Cole and Bryce.”
Tin’s eyes rounded in surprise. “He’s actually going to attend?”
“So he says.”
“How civilized,” Tin drawled. “You don’t suppose he’ll do anything dramatic like stand up and holler when the judge asks for objectors?”
“I doubt it,” Sloan said, smiling. “He’s walking around with a just-got-fucked look on his face. I don’t think he’ll object to anything if Bryce is by his side.”
“You know this for a fact?” Max asked.
“I know my ex,” Sloan admitted. “I’ve seen that look before.”
“So they’re officially a couple?”
“Cole says no, but he’s at The Tavern almost every night.”
“Aha… the matchmaking was successful.”
“We never expected Cole and Bryce to hook up,” Sloan explained. “The plan was for Bryce to introduce Cole to other men, but he never let him out of his sight after the first night.”
“Kismet?”
“Isn’t it great?” Sloan said. “Cole is at peace with himself for the first time in years.”
“Is he still married?” Max asked.
“Yes, but he and Noriko are getting an amicable divorce. She’s staying in the apartment he purchased for her in the same building, and they’ll share equal custody of the twins.”
“And he keeps you in the loop?”
“I’m now the official godfather and Cole’s confidant.”
“So you know all the juicy tidbits,” Tin accused, “and you never shared.”
“I’m a good friend.”
“And my soon-to-be-husband,” I said, bored with the gossiping. “Let’s get the fuck out of here, Sloan.”
“Yes, sir,” he answered respectfully. Max raised an eyebrow. Tin looked at us in disbelief, and my boy smiled in anticipation. I’d promised him a scene this weekend, and I was anxious to get going.
“See you guys later,” I said, wrapping my arm around Sloan’s waist.
“Enjoy,” Max said.
“Oh, yeah.” I winked. “We’re off to play.”
“I hate you,” Tin commented. “When am I going to have my happy ending?”
“When you stop ogling every guy in sight,” Sloan said. “You’re not ready yet.”
Tin waved us off with a flick of his wrist. “La… go and play, you lucky fools.”
“Are you guys staying in town?” I asked Max.
“No, we’re driving back to the city.”
“We’ll see you on Monday, then.”
I could feel Max and Tin burning h
oles in our backs as Sloan and I walked away. They were probably dying of curiosity but knew better than to ask for details. I wasn’t about to share my plans with anyone, let alone those two. They thrived on gossip and intrigue, and anything out of the ordinary would be a good topic to discuss over mimosas tomorrow morning. Sloan and I were already the talk of the town with our upcoming nuptials. Much of our relationship had turned into an open book because of Max and his history with Sloan. I wanted this weekend to be special, and letting them in on the secret would spoil it automatically.
I slung an arm over Sloan’s shoulder and drew him closer. It would have been a simple thing to walk down a hundred feet and cross the gangplank to the big white yacht waiting to be boarded, but it would have raised questions I had no desire to answer. We walked to the Jeep instead, and I pretended we were heading out to Leah’s place, when in reality, I was going to drive around town for about twenty minutes and then circle back. The odd couple would be on their way back to Manhattan by then.
It was a perfect day. The sun was shining, and there were already tourists lying on bright towels while small children frolicked in the shallow water close to shore. In another month, they’d be hard-pressed to find an open spot on this same beach. The drive along the waterfront was an enjoyable way to kill twenty minutes.
We’d had the longest winter of our lives, what with the dramatic events starting with the birth of Cole’s twins, but we’d weathered the worst of it, coming out a stronger and more cohesive couple. There was a moment when I thought I’d lost Sloan. After Cole’s suicide attempt, I was certain he’d guilt my boy into going back, but Sloan had stood his ground. He’d thoughtfully helped Cole out of his deep depression without losing focus on our relationship. Sloan’s love and respect for me never wavered, and it filled me with joy. I would do anything to make him happy, and marrying him was only the first step. I wanted to give something back, and although it would be difficult, I knew it was something he’d cherish and handle with the utmost care. That’s what made me love him so much. Sloan was impulsive and reckless and had a mouth on him that didn’t know when to quit, but his submissive side was so beautiful it took my breath away. Giving fully and handing over the same amount of trust he gave me daily was the greatest gift I had.
Cleave (Cutting Cords Series Book 3) Page 18
