I told Autumn and Blake I was going out to the dance floor and I’d catch up with them later. Autumn offered to join me, but I waved her off. I was a good enough friend to know she needed to make up for lost time with Blake.
I’d only had a couple of beers, but I was feeling more relaxed than I had when first arriving. After passing by the security guards, I headed to the more crowded bar in the downstairs area. I knew Blake had a tab going, but I didn’t want to be seen as another celebrity hanger-on. I was perfectly capable of paying for my own drink. My mother’s gold-digger lifestyle always made me self-conscious about not paying my own way.
As I pushed through to an open spot at the bar, I felt a hand on my elbow. After seeing it was Justin beside me, he leaned in close to be heard over the loud music. “How about that drink?”
I hesitated, but I figured why not? I probably had at least twenty minutes until Lexi would be ready to hit the dance floor. I had though about dancing by myself, but Lexi and I were like a synchronized swim team when we went out together. We knew how to artfully warn each other when a guy was approaching from behind us with the intention to grind against our asses. Whoever convinced men that move was sexy should be shot dead. I never actually witnessed a girl turned on by some tool with a hard-on thrusting against her ass why she was trying to dance with her friends.
Despite my protests, Justin bought our drinks. After picking them off of the bar, he gestured for me to follow him. We bypassed the dance floor and he led me up a small staircase. At the top, there were large glass patio doors opening up to an outdoor deck. The outside area was mostly empty, likely because of the freezing cold weather, but several patio heaters the club had installed around the seats chased off the chill.
The deck overlooked the ocean and my breath hitched at the view. There was something so romantic about seeing the beach empty and quiet at night. As I looked sideways at Justin, I just wished I were here with Cole instead.
We went to a bistro table that was free next to the overhang. I glanced down as we took our seats, watching a few stumbling drunks make their way down the boardwalk. I could keep myself entertained for hours by people watching. Working at a bar had taught me how to hold my liquor. I’d seen enough sloppy drunks to know I didn’t want to share the same fate.
Justin handed me my drink: a rum and Diet and I lifted the glass up in salute. He clinked his glass to mine and we both took a generous sip. During the silence, I took a second to inventory the Warriors running back. From a purely scientific perspective, I could admit he was attractive although I didn’t feel any fluttering in my belly when I saw him. There was something cold about his beauty: the overly-styled white hair, the calculating green eyes, the sarcastic smile. His body was fit: large muscled arms, lean legs, chiseled torso. His looks were almost too perfect. I wouldn’t have been surprised to discover Justin was some sort of android experiment.
“So, I didn’t see you at any of our games this year,” he started.
“I went to a couple during my college’s winter break, but between work and my classes, I can’t get down to Baltimore as often as I like,” I said.
He played with the collar of his red polo shirt. I watched him unbutton the top button before leaning back in his chair. His eyes ran up and down my body once again before resting on my face. Something about his heated gaze made my skirt feel too short and my top too tight. I felt my face flush and I wondered if it had been a bad idea to grab a drink with Justin. My intention was to be friendly, but I didn’t want him to take my niceness as interest. He didn’t make my heart feel like it would never beat the same again. He didn’t make me feel like being together was vital to my survival.
“I plan to go next season since my boyfriend is a huge Warriors fan,” I said abruptly. Saying Cole was a Warriors fan was a bit of an exaggeration. Although Cole liked the team because of Blake, he only followed professional soccer. He was more likely to be seen wearing an Italia soccer jersey than any Warriors gear. Not very subtlety, I was letting Justin know he didn’t have a chance in hell of getting into my pants.
“I didn’t know you were with anyone,” Justin said.
I nodded. “It’s new, but good… Really good,” I said, trying to drive home my point.
“So, you’re serious about this guy? Not seeing anyone else.”
I faltered for a second because Cole and I hadn’t actually talked about being exclusive. But I didn’t feel I’d be presumptuous to assume I was the one for him. His words, his actions told me that we were only whole when together. Not to mention, we were together enough that it would be physically impossible for him to have any side action going on. Dating a super hot guy in a band definitely brought out a jealous side of my personality. I had wanted to claw some eyes out after seeing just how many girls were willing to throw themselves at Cole. “There’s only him,” I said simply to Justin.
Justin made a scoffing sound in the back of his throat. “Kanye West has said, ‘Love is cursed by monogamy.’”
Christ, what a tool, I thought. Why was I hanging out with a guy who quoted Kanye West? “I’m getting cold. I think I’ll head back inside.”
He put his glass down in front of him and held up his palms in surrender. “I didn’t mean to offend you. I only thought you were like me.”
“Like you?”
“I don’t know,” he said, chewing on his lower lip. “A free spirit type.”
I felt wobbly all of a sudden at his suggestion and settled my hands on the table to steady myself. My tone came out harsh and cold. “Is that a polite way to say you thought I was a slut?”
Justin shook his head empathetically. “Not at all. I fuck who I want to and no one calls me a slut. Deep down I’m a feminist so the s-word actually offends me.”
I squinted at him in disbelief as I spoke. “A feminist? I thought a more accurate way to describe you was as a dog.”
“See, you’re judging me without even trying to get to know me,” he said leaning forward.
“Fine,” I said and made a show of looking at my watch. “I’ll give you a few minutes until I finish my drink. Convince me of the many ways you’ve been misjudged.”
***
I remembered laughing. Keeling over as if whatever Justin said was the funniest thing in the world. I couldn’t decipher his words, but I recalled not being able to stop giggling. I never knew he could be so hilarious.
I had other flashes too. One was the two of us moving from the bistro table to a loveseat by the patio door. His oversized, muscular body took up most of the couch, forcing me to sit very close to him. Our knees touched and I remembered at some point his hand resting on top of my thigh before he swiftly removed it. There were more touches too, the subtle type. Justin would let his fingers linger on my hand for a moment too long after handing me a second drink or he would brush my hair out of my face as we spoke. I thought I flirted back, but I couldn’t remember what I had said. I could only recall my body language. Justin had somehow gotten me to let down my guard and I started to relax around him.
My memories were distorted, like trying to see everything through a cloudy lens. I didn’t remember what we talked about or even how many drinks we had out on the patio. Justin was working me, but he knew better than to try and cross any lines. I just had the sensation of having fun and of not worrying about anything or anyone else. The last clear memory I had was wondering if I should go and track down Lexi and Autumn before the club closed and we lost our chance to dance. I felt childlike—craving the freedom of getting carried away by the music and dancing until the sun rose in the sky.
***
Sunlight burned my retinas although my eyes remained firmly shut. Seconds later, I opened my eyes and blinked to remove the crust lodged in the corner of my eyes. I used my hand to shield my vision from the powerful sunlight because the light aggravated the pounding headache I had woken with. My temples throbbed and even blocking the sun didn’t alleviate the excruciating pain.
I peeked down at
myself and let out a small whimper. I was completely naked and in a bed that I didn’t recognize. A sick knot formed deep in my gut. Gathering my courage, I forced myself to look to my left. As my eyes traced a figure lying prone on the bed next to me, bile began to thickly coat my throat. I covered my mouth with my palm to prevent myself from throwing up all over the bed.
Justin was snoring softly next to me. The solid white bed sheet was twisted low around his hips, revealing he was obviously just as naked as I was. I curled my fingers into a tight fist and pressed my hand into my mouth to prevent a sob from escaping. Fear of what I had possibly just done consumed me. I wrapped my arms around my mid-section to keep myself from losing it altogether. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t process what I was seeing.
I had to get the hell out of there. Looking around, I assumed we were in his hotel room. I had absolutely no recollection on how I ended up in bed with Justin. I tried to think back to the last thing I remembered and all I could recall was having a drink with him at Night Owl. I tried to focus and remember what happened after our drink together, but my piercing headache made it impossible to think coherently. How had I gone from complete disinterest to this hell I was currently in?
Longingly, I glanced towards the hotel bathroom. I wanted nothing more to puke my guts out and then take a scalding hot shower to wash away whatever had happened the night before. But I didn’t want to risk waking Justin up. I was in panic mode and my singular goal was to get the hell out of the room and put as much physical distance between us as possible.
I slid off of the bed and then tensed when I saw the movement caused Justin to stir. He made a few low groans and I stiffened as I bent down to pick up my tank top and skirt off of the floor. I pulled on the clothes quickly, not worrying about my underwear and bra. I scanned the room, looking for my purse, but before I could locate it, Justin opened his eyes. I felt close to shattering and found myself at a loss for words.
“Hi,” he grumbled sleepily.
I didn’t answer at first. I knew I should demand answers, but I felt like a prisoner caught in the middle of an escape attempt. He seemed unfazed by the fact I was nonverbal. He sat up in bed, allowing the bed sheet to fall even further. I averted my eyes as he exposed himself, the nausea coming back stronger than ever.
“Do you know where my purse is?” I mumbled, staring at the plaster above his head.
“I think you dropped it by the door,” he said.
“I better go,” I said in a small voice. I’d never felt this way before: broken, vulnerable, humiliated. But I couldn’t run—at least not yet. Because there was an ache between my legs and I had to know just how reckless I’d been the night before.
“Did we…?” I physically cringed at my question. I still wouldn’t look at Justin, so I had no idea how to read him.
His laughter made me feel like I was sinking in ice water. His humor also cemented my feeling that I had sex with him. Although I woke up naked next to him, I had a foolish hope that maybe nothing had happened. Like we took our clothes off and then both passed out before things got too far.
Eventually, I forced myself to look at him as he chuckled to himself. I felt my face flush with anger as I watched him find humor in the situation. “How the hell did I get to your room? I don’t remember anything about last night.” My real question was how the fuck did I wake up to this nightmare?
Before he answered, he got off the bed and pulled on a pair of boxers. His movements were painfully slow and I felt like he was purposely torturing me. I still had the urge to flee, but I needed to know if we were safe. I was already in the midst of my world getting pulled apart at the seams. Getting knocked up by him or contracting a disease would only make my hell even worse.
“You got drunk off your ass. We went up to the club’s deck and hung out for a while and kept drinking. You were definitely feeling what I was putting out, so I told you to come back to my hotel room. We got a cab and then ended up back here,” he said and then stretched his arms over his head. The whole situation was a game for him—I was the helpless fly and he was the ravenous spider.
None of his story stirred anything inside of me. I’d never been blackout drunk before and I loathed the sensation. Like Justin was telling me a story about another girl, not me.
“And we had sex?” I prompted. My tone was turning a little harsher. Justin was treating the exchange like an annoyance. Didn’t he realize how fucked up my life had just become? If I couldn’t fix it... If I lost Cole for good…
He nodded and twisted his lips wryly. “I guess you could call what we did sex. Not to sound like a prick, but I was a little disappointed. I expected much, much more. Not for you to pass out under me and make me do all the work.”
I blinked back tears of humiliation. I felt on the verge of shattering. “Did you use a condom?”
“Fuck yes. I’m famous. The last thing I want is baby mama drama,” he said with a smirk.
“I’m glad you find any of this funny, asshole. Do my friends know where I am? If I just left with you, they’re probably freaking out right about now.”
“I texted them from your phone to say you were heading back home,” he said and put his hands at his hips. “You’re welcome.”
“How much did we drink? I can’t remember. Did you give me any drugs?”
I had done very little experimentation in college, but I had smoked joints from time to time at parties. I tended to avoid drugs, since I never had a good high. Instead, I would feel depressed and sluggish.
“Drugs? Are you crazy? I get tested all the time for that shit and I’d lose my job if I tested positive. I think we got three rounds and a couple of shots. By the last shot, you were long gone,” he said. His voice was unfazed as was his expression. He didn’t sound guilty and if he was being honest about how much we had to drink, I could have very well blacked out.
How could I have let this happen? Why would I risk my one chance at love to have sex with a complete fucker? I didn’t even like Justin. Was my drunk brain so addled I suddenly found myself attracted to him? I couldn’t even fathom why I had stayed upstairs drinking with him for as long as I did. I remembered thinking I’d just have a drink with him and than meet up with Lexi and Autumn. How had he charmed me into getting wasted enough that my inhibitions had completely vanished?
I picked up my heels off of the floor and spun around. As I stomped to the door, he called out, “By the way, your phone kept beeping all night so I turned it off. I guess your boyfriend was blowing up your phone.”
My eyes narrowed and I had the strongest urge to break his nose and ruin his disgustingly pretty face. “I told you I had a boyfriend and you still had sex with me.”
He held up in hands and gave me a contrived innocent expression. “Hey, I’m single. I didn’t do a damn thing wrong last night. You on the other hand…”
“Go to hell, Justin,” I spat out, turning away from him. I walked out of the room with as much dignity as I could muster considering I was wearing the same clothes from last night. I stumbled once I was in the hallway and felt the corridor tilt. I held onto the wall and took deep breaths. I felt close to collapsing, but I willed myself to be as far away from Justin’s room as possible if it happened.
Tentatively, I walked down the hall and searched for an elevator. After finding the nearest elevator, I jammed the button several times. While I waited, I tried to search for any signs that could tell me where exactly I was. I had no clue what hotel I had spent the night in or how far I was away from my car.
The elevator car was thankfully empty. I pushed my forehead against the glass back wall and tried not to lose it. I had to think like a survivalist. Get my basic needs taken care of and then worry about the other stuff. Curling up and sobbing until I felt nothing at all would have to wait.
In the lobby, I found a bathroom next to the elevators. I waited for two elderly women to leave before sticking my head under the faucet. After rinsing my face, I used my palm to gulp up sips of water. My m
outh felt like a desert and I couldn’t get enough water to satisfy my thirst.
I was too afraid to look in the mirror. Who would I see? Likely, a disgusting human being who would betray the man she was starting to fall in love with. Cole, Cole, Cole… I’d been trying not to say his name in my head. Because I couldn’t stand what I had just done to him—done to us. But he wouldn’t be sidelined. The terror clawed at me as I conjured up the way it had felt to last kiss him. He had become my world and I was going to lose him.
Poking my head up, I took in my reflection: beard-burned chest, bruised mouth, smeared makeup. My hand shot out and I slammed my palm as hard as I could against the glass. I repeated the painful slaps, sobbing uncontrollably as my hand started to sting. I’d made a terrible, inexcusable mistake and I’d never forgive myself for it.
I gave myself a few minutes to calm down before exiting the bathroom. I felt fresh humiliation as I walked up to the front desk. “Hi. I need a taxi to the Tropicana.”
“No problem,” the clerk said with a forced smile. “There’s usually a ten to fifteen minute wait. There are some benches out front if you’d like to sit there.”
I was probably reading into things, but it felt like she was suggesting I wasn’t good enough to sit in the lobby. I only nodded since I had no fight left in me. I felt completely worthless.
As I dragged my feet toward the front entrance, a bellman approached me. He regarded me with a deep frown. “Excuse me, miss, are you okay?”
Could I wake up? Could I get out of this nightmare? Maybe I was safe in bed with Cole and I’d get up and find out the last twenty-four hours was a figment of my imagination. “I’m fine. Just going to wait for a cab.”
“Oh okay,” he said awkwardly. He had a kind face with graying temples, so I didn’t get the impression he was trying to guarantee I got the hell off the hotel property as soon as possible. “I only ask because I saw you last night. You looked quite ill and your companion had to assist you inside.”
The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn #3) Page 12
