by Henry Owings
2 Unless you’re a drummer, never wear shorts onstage.
235 If you really want to make it quick, quit practicing, listening to cool records, and trying to be creative. Put your stock in four cheese-ball songs with catchy hooks, get some good-lookin’ dudes in your band, and hire some pathetic fan boy to do all the legwork.
236 In casual conversation, mentioning your “latest project” as an “album cycle” reaffirms that you’re not in a band, but rather a marketing experiment.
237 No spouses or “significant others” as the band’s manager. He or she will inevitably look out for only his/her partner’s interests, soon followed by sleeping with another band member.
238 In press releases, avoid describing your band as “[insert seminal act] meets [insert seminal act].”
239 Don’t sit around arguing about money, fame, success, and ownership until you can afford an expensive lawyer who will do it for you.
240 Fifty percent of absolutely nothing is absolutely nothing. Percentages, much like promises, mean nothing until you have something worth taking.
241 Jesus may well love you, but get it in writing.
242 Before you sign with a big record label, know that nothing is more embarrassing than a “meet and greet” with local radio-station goobers.
243 Nobody forms a band because they care about music.
244 Never give the drummer any money because he’ll just spend it on new cymbals and bad graphic novels.
245 Just because it’s done independently doesn’t mean you’re not being screwed over.
246 Just because one member of the band sets up a few shows doesn’t mean that person is the “manager.”
247 Nothing ever starts on time.
248 “Art space” is code for “sounds horrible” and “won’t get paid.”
249 Calling in sick at your low-paying service job so that your band can play a house party is not “going on the road.”
250 “Touring” refers to performing in more than one state
251 Jazz groups and jam bands play “gigs.” Punk and indie rock bands play “shows.”
252 “Party” is a verb, and if you insist on singing about it onstage, you must demonstrate it after the show, or subsequently participate in a reality show that takes place at an African American girl’s college.
253 If your friends are the only people in the audience, it isn’t a show. It’s show-and-tell.
254 A friend’s birthday party is not a show.
255 If it’s in a club or bar, it’s not a concert. It’s a show.
256 If it’s at an armory or a community center, it’s a show, and you’re a hardcore punk band.
257 Actors and dancers “rehearse.” Musicians “practice.”
258 Never, ever drop a deuce on the bus.
259 On tour, remember that in the van, there’s always someone just as hungover as you, so groan a little, drink water, and go to sleep. Telling your band you’re hungover is nearly as inexcusable as telling the audience you are drunk.
260 The guy who tracked mud into the practice space will inevitably track mud into the van.
261 While in the van on tour, turn off your cell phone ringer. Nobody wants to hear your ring tone every twenty minutes through five states because your girlfriend at home misses you.
2 3 3000
5 ’57 500
666 69 abstract
aces acid acme
acoustic action adrenaline
adult aerial aero
African afro agenda
agents air Ajax
Alabama alcohol alcoholic
alias alien all-stars
almighty alpha altar
altruism amazing American
amp anal analog
angel angry animal
anonymous anti- apocalypse
apollo apple aqua
arcade armored army
art ashtray asphalt
ass asshole Atari
attack audio auto
automatic average babies
baby bad band
bastard beat beef
bent big bionic
birthday biscuit bitch
black blind block
blood bloody blues
bomb bone bongo
boogie booty box
boy boyfriends boys
brother buck bucket
burning butt buzz
cab Cadillac Caesar
candy captain case
cats cave chemical
children circus clean
clown club cold
collective cops cowboy
crank crazy creeping
crew crue crush
cutie cycle da
daddies daddy dark
daughter dawg day
dead death deer
deluxe demon Detroit
devils dick diesel
Dillinger dirt dirty
DJ doctor dog
dolls doom dope
down drag dream
drive-by drug drum
drunk dub eagle
east eat eater
echo elastic electra
electric electronic Elvis
engine every evil
ex- experience exploding
eye fabulous face
factory faith farm
fart fast featuring
filth filthy five
flaming flash flashback
flicker floating flower
flying four freakin’
freaky free fuck
fuckin’ funk funky
fur furry fuzzy
galaxy galore gang
garden gentleman Georgia
gerbils ghost girls
goat goblin god
golden grass grave
gravel green groove
guitar gun gutter
gypsy habit happy
hard hate hazard
head heart heavy
hedonist hell hi-fi
high hog Hollywood
holocaust holy honey
horny horses hot
house hungry hydro
ice imperial incident
incredible indigo intergalactic
iron jam jazz
Jefferson Jenny Jesus
Johnny Jones juice
junior junkies karma
kick kid kids
kinda king kings
kitten knife knives
kung fu large laser
left legendary lightnin’
lightning li’l lilac
lizard loco loop
lord los lounge
love lust machine
mafia magic magik
magnet man Manson
master maximum MC
meat mega men
messiah metal midgets
mob mod moist
monkey monster moon
morbid mother motor
mountain mouth mud
muffin murder music
mutant my mystery
naked nation -nauts
necro- neon new
New York news night
nipple Nixon north
northern nuclear nut
ocean Ohio ol’
old o-matic one
orange orgy outrageous
overdrive ozark pagan
pain panic parade
part party pearl
pedophile penis phat
pigs pimp pink
plastic pop pork
power princess problem
professor project psychedelic
psycho psychosis pubes
punk puppets purple
pussy Q quartet
quasi queen radio
rage ragin’ raging
rain raven rays
red retard revenge
reverend revival revue
ring ritual road
rock rocket rockin’
rodeo rollin’ root
roses royal saints
saliva samurai satan
satellites saw scepter
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scream screamin’ septic
sex sexual sexy
shag shaved she
sheep shot sick
signal silver sister
sisters ska skank
skankin’ skid sky
slim sluts small
smashing smegma snakes
snatch social soft
solid son sonic
soul sound south
southern Soviet space
special spirit sponge
spoon stand static
station stereo stick
stiff stone strawberry
sub sugar suicide
sultan sun super
surf swerve swingers
swinging system team
teenage teeth terror
tha thang the
thee thrash three
thunder tiger toilet
Tokyo tones tongue
tonic train trash
tree tribe trio
trout turbo twin
twisted two UK
ultimate ultra uncle
vampire velvet volt
walking warning wasted
wax wedding west
wet whiskey white
whore wild winged
wolf world worms
X yankee yeah
yeast young youth
Z zen
262 The van is not a toy.
263 Don’t tour in a bus unless you’re sure you can afford it, and don’t complain about being broke if you do.
264 Don’t paste rock stickers all over your touring vehicle unless you want to give local thieves hints about which car to break into.
265 Always make a schematic of how your equipment best fits in your van or trailer once you figure it out for the first time. This way, even the most meat-headed loaders can help rather than hinder your loading process. It will also help you have the same procedure every night, and it even helps with not forgetting pieces of your gear from town to town.
266 The only food that should be allowed in the band’s van is that which can be swallowed. Sunflower seeds are permissible only if you bring a bird on tour.
267 Only closed-type headphones are permitted in the van. No one wants to hear what’s bleeding through your headphones over what’s playing in the van.
268 If you have a particularly massive gas explosion “on deck,” wait until the next stop and do it outside the van. This is called “negating the issue.” If it’s impossible to wait, roll down the window first, then let it go. This is called “doing the right thing.”
269 Keep your eyes open for deer while driving at night. A head-on collision with a deer will ruin a tour.
270 If you bang a girl in every town you’ve toured, you’re a god. However, a lot of drama can occur if the towns are within 200 miles of each other.
271 When trying to court a female trying to get backstage, offer her a “Tulsa” pass. Tell her that these passes were left over from the Tulsa show but will still work to get her backstage at the show. Please note what “Tulsa” spells backward.
272 If you’re married and want to avoid the temptation of sleeping with somebody after the show, simply declare on stage that you want to sleep with everybody in the room. It will guarantee that people will avoid you once you’re done playing.
273 If you’re on tour and absolutely have to sleep with the first girl you see, tell that unlucky maiden that Jesus sent you.
274 Wash your clothes on tour, even if you have only one pair of pants.
275 Sexually transmitted diseases don’t wash off in the shower.
276 Take showers on tour at least once every three days.
277 Where there are books, there are clean bathrooms. Trying to find a decent place to drop off the kids is tough on tour. Chain bookstores are always a best bet.
278 The worst toilet paper in America is always better than the best toilet paper in Europe. It’s best to bring your own, especially to Germany.
279 While driving through particularly hot parts of the country, remember that Menthol powder is your best friend when the van’s air conditioning goes out.
280 To save time on tour, open your mind to the concept of the pee bottle. There are just four simple rules. First, this is a good idea only if you have a penis. Second, use wide-mouth bottles (e.g., Snapple), as this prevents unwanted spray. Third, dispose of your bottles at the next stop. Finally, never pee in a bottle that originally held yellow liquid, as the consequences could be less than thirst-quenching.
281 For most backstage toilets, you’ll need to travel with your own plunger.
282 Always treat stage injuries immediately after the show. Infection is a greater road foe than diseases or wounds.
283 If you don’t sell T-shirts, you don’t eat.
284 Unless your touring vehicle has more than six wheels, merchandise shall be limited to T-shirts and records. No hats, pool floaties, or bows and arrows until your driver needs a class B license.
285 Any female that actually buys the thong your band is selling is not someone you want to bring back to the van. And if you’re in a band that is selling thongs, go ahead and kill yourself.
286 Stop hawking your merchandise from the stage. If anyone wants to buy a shirt or record, they’ll find you when you finally get out of the next band’s way.
287 Your merchandise guy is getting action on tour only because he “threw in” a couple of stickers and a T-shirt to the chubby-but-not-too-ugly girl with low self-esteem. It’s wise to make him pay you back for the giveaways.
288 Be sure that your merchandise person knows how to make change and can convert currency or barter in a foreign country.
289 If you decide to take elitist scum on the road to sell merchandise for you, you’re already cutting your tour proceeds significantly.
290 Personalized license plates of your band’s name kill bands.
291 If you are the opening band, do not play for longer than thirty minutes. Nobody wants to hear that much from you. Plus, if the crowd doesn’t get it by then, they never will.
292 Opening bands never get an encore. Play your set and get off the stage quickly.
293 If you are a local band and opening for your favorite artist, do not follow them around all night hounding them to listen to your record. They will hear you soon enough. Try not to suck.
294 An opening band who tells an inattentive crowd to “stick around for the headliner” is being presumptuous but has salvaged a degree of their dignity inversely proportional to the number of audience members who are actually listening to their between-song patter.
295 Unless you’re told that the headliner’s van has broken down fifty miles outside town, keep your set short. No one takes the freeway just to look at the billboards.
296 Try not to play with bands that sound just like you.
297 Always prank the bands you’re on the road with. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you’ll never survive.
298 If the other band on the bill has brand-new gear, either they live at home with their parents or their parents purchased their equipment.
299 Before you speak ill about another band on the bill, always assume one of their members is in the audience.
300 Don’t throw away an opening band’s record until you’re at the next venue in the next town. There is no telling if they have a friend who works at the club who might see you discard it. It’s bad form.
301 Never complain about what rental gear you get. No matter what must-haves you listed, you will get what they give you. Every great band that has ever existed has dealt with this problem, so it’s not beneath you.
302 Two-guitar change limit during set. Does not include breaking strings.
303 No wireless mics unless you are using them to give play-by-play of your own suicide on stage.
304 Cell phones are never allowed on stage. Not even in your pocket.
305 Old-school microphones onstage are never legit, and mostly sound like crap.
306 When a piece of e
quipment breaks in the middle of a show, if you look at your road crew/roadie/helperfriend before you look at the piece of equipment, your inability to take care of your own stage mishaps has matched your inability to perform on stage.
307 No candy-apple-red instruments unless you want to look like you’re obsessed with candy-apple-coating everything you own.
308 Having two mics taped together is perfectly acceptable. Three mics is even better.
309 You never need more than two guitars on stage per guitarist.
310 No dummy speaker cabinets on stage. All speakers on stage should be wired and have sound coming out of them.
311 Using your computer on stage means you’re as likely to be checking your e-mail as you are to be performing music.
312 If there’s a Theremin player in the band, they must be dedicated to playing only that instrument during the set.
313 No white blues guys playing a resonator guitar from a rocking chair on stage. On immediate reflection, no white blues guys, period.
314 If your band has agreed to do a lengthy tour financed and booked by a corporate sponsor, don’t leave home if it starts within the week and they’ve only booked a handful of dates so far.
315 If you get in a financial pinch while on the road, call your parents.
316 Always wait until after a tour to kick out a struggling or annoying member. Kicking out a member during a tour will only ensure a fight, hard feelings, even more poorly performed shows, and expensive plane tickets home. Be a hero and a diplomat and deal with it for a few more shows.
317 If anyone on the tour brings up the bigger show you played the last time you were in town, then they need to shut up and think about that.
318 If your band can’t draw five times as many people as are in the band, buy a case of beer and have whatever audience you can get come watch you play at your rehearsal space.
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