She draws circles round and round the donuts on the list.
“You know when we get her here, you just can’t carry her off into the sunset. You’ll scare the bejesus out of her if you do.” She doesn’t meet my eyes when she issues this new rule.
I nod, but I’m frowning. “Is that what you think of me? That I’m some kind of caveman who can’t control himself?”
It’s true, but she doesn’t need to know that.
“If she’s stuffing her face in an empty parking lot, there are things going on below the surface. You forcing yourself on her is not going to help with that.” Sasha’s always thinking. Planning is her specialty.
“It would be better if she came here to work with us.” Holding up a hand, she stills my tongue before I can protest. “Just til she’s comfortable. You sure she’s never on the phone chatting with family or friends?”
Frustrated, I shake my head. “I’m positive. The only one she talks to ever is the cat. She did go out last week, but it was just to hand in applications.”
She throws a fist in the air... “Eureka!” she yells, getting to her feet to hug me. “There are a few things I know, Javi. Girls need to feel needed, loved, and adored. Right now she’s way down on herself, wanting to change her life. She’s at meetings all the time, thinks dropping pounds will fulfill her. Believe me, it won’t. She’s trying to find a job, become productive. We can help her there, give her a sense of purpose. Hell, she’s probably had limited experience with males.” She taps her tooth with one of those long nails. “I wonder if she might still be a virgin.”
My cock hardens at the thought or her—like an undisturbed pile of pure, white, whipped cream-waiting for me to come and muss it all up.
The evening we’ve planned for weeks comes too quickly. I’m not allowed to go. Sasha’s out to get her for me, and Gretchen won’t let me out of her sight, keeping an eye on me. “You know my past, Javi,” she starts. I know what she wants to say, a warning. I don’t need it. “I won’t let you rape her.”
The thought is abhorrent to me, makes me remember a scared young man, chained by love to a sick, hurtful, withholding mother. The things she made me do… Well, I’d never do those things to Sara. Never. I don’t think I would. Well, only as a last resort.
“Just let her see the real you. The Javi we know. Before you know it, she’ll love you just as much as we do.” She gets ready for her Favor and makes me sit and watch as she shimmies into her whale tail. I can’t believe the level of mistrust in this house!
Gretchen will keep me close, even during her Favor. I’ll be out of the way, hidden, when they arrive. I’ll have a clear view of her through the wall of glass. But she won’t see me; we’ve checked. Sasha texts from the diner. I break out in a cold sweat. So close. Just a little longer before she’s under my roof.
Why would she come here? I text back, worried that now that the hour is upon us, when she’s so close, I’ll lose her.
She’s lonely. Sasha texts back, and my heart breaks.
Gretchen’s splashing around in the pool, running her Favor as she always does, on her terms. As all the girls do. I’m not paying attention; the pure nerve of Sasha makes me smile. Sasha, steamrolls in, nabs her, and takes her right out of that fucking hate rally! No questions asked.
I can just imagine the scene. We’re nothing if not the best scene builders in all of Los Angeles. But remembering the text, and my Bonita’s loneliness, my smile shrivels. Lonely and scared, most likely. And what am I going to do about it? Scare her more. Perhaps scar her when she finds out all this was just a ruse to satisfy some freak’s sick, perverted fetish? Is that what I really want for her?
Fake friends and a ruse of a job just to ensnare her? How will she feel about me when all this comes to light? She’ll hate me, that’s what. I can’t talk to Gretchen; she’s on the clock. But I can text Sasha, so I do.
Hire her for real, Sasha. Make her want to be here. Whatever you have to do. Will control myself as long as I can. She needs us, all of us, not just me. Please.
She’ll know what I mean. We three have been back and forth with this. Them, of course, wanting me to take it slow. Me, wanting to grab her and own her from the minute she walks through the door. I’ll compromise as long as I can. If she’ll work, she’ll have a fulltime client: me.
Ignoring Gretchen’s protests, I grab my helmet and keys and take off for a good long ride. The night air will still my thoughts. As the engine kicks to life, I know it’s just what I need to leash the beast within me before I meet my Bonita for the first time.
Javi
I walk through the front doors with one goal in mind: get sane. Be the man she deserves. Not some half-cocked psychopath who will hurt her the first chance he gets. Shit went too far too fast. I’ve got to earn the right to be by my angel’s side. I’m greeted by the day nurse, a starved blonde in a nurse’s uniform who greets me at the front desk. The same wicked smile she’s worn in the past spreads across her lips now. Her lips look sharp enough to cut paper when stretched like that. This show is set on repeat, and all I wanna do is turn it off.
“Mr. Gustavez.” She nods in my direction. “Are you gracing us with a visit, or will you be staying this time?” I catch the condescending tone. I’m the rich asshole patient who comes and goes as he pleases. I get it. I also pay your salary, mujer.
I stop in front of her desk, mindful of the other zombies milling about in pajamas, high on tranqs. “Oh, I’m staying.” I look her dead in the eye. “In fact, lock the door and throw away the key.” I step into the elevator and head to my room. I know the way.
But it’s different this time. This room is no longer conducive to getting my head on straight. Everywhere I look, all I see is her in that fucking polka-dot dress, classing up the place. She’d come to see me and wanted to give me everything. On the bed, spread open for me. Dripping and waiting. Wanting something I couldn’t give—a stable relationship. Her pussy dripping and yearning, begging for my cock. The best I could do? Fuck a jelly donut.
I sit with my head in my hands, even now feeling the stirrings of a boner just thinking of her and baked goods. What the fuck is wrong with me?
After locking the door, I flip on the TV. I’ve been here five minutes, but I’m already jonesing for a glimpse of Bonita, my drug of choice. Just a peek, I tell myself. That’s it. Just enough to get my fix, then I’ll get with the program.
I’ve got to ration her like a drug. Maybe I am a junkie with no self-control. Because if I don’t dole out my viewing, I’ll lie here all day, watching my lady, and no healing will begin. Sasha knows where I’m at and why I’m here. She made sure I had everything I needed. Including 24-hour access to my Bonita.
“How long will you be this time, Javi?” she had asked through a blur of tears. The strongest bitch I know sniveling like a baby. My heart broke with every tear that fell from Sasha’s green eyes. But we both knew I couldn’t be there. The slide had already begun, and anyone around me would get buried by it if left to run unchecked.
“As long as it takes, Sash. It has to be this way. You know it, and I know it. She doesn’t know. So she needs to be protected. No matter what I say later, no calls, no visits.” I had hugged her to me, her pillowy breasts heaving with emotion, and let her cry into my shirt. “Just pick up the pieces for me, Sasha. That’s all I ask.” I’m out the door and on my bike before she can start with the questions.
Bonita, my beautiful angel. Safe in my house. Even now, crying into her pillow, I’ve never seen anything more exquisite. Her pain breaks my heart; I hate to see what I’ve done to her. Those tears on that pillow are mine. I want to hold her to my chest and never let her go. Shit, I’ve wasted twenty minutes just watching her cry. Where’s the remote?
This isn’t what I’m here for.
I turn it off and change into my hospital attire, only to feel my fingers itching to turn it back on for just another taste. Gray pajama pants and a cheap white T-shirt, that’s my uniform from now on. Just
feeling the stiff material against my skin turns my stomach. How in the fuck did I get back here? Every time I leave, I promise myself it will be the last time. I’ve got my own mailbox here, for fuck’s sake. No more, I think to myself. This is it. I’m gonna squeeze every bit of healing out of this place that I can while I’m here, and that’s it. If it doesn’t stick this time, tough shit.
* * *
I’ve been in the depths of hell for two weeks. Fourteen days since I’ve heard her voice, felt her touch. I’m going fucking insane. I’ve tried, I really have, but none of this therapy shit seems to stick. The meds don’t work. I’m crazier now than when I got here! They said it would take a few weeks, but when will these obsessive feelings end?
The only thing in my head are thoughts of Blue. I’ve been reduced to obsessive phone calls and Blue’s channel on my TV 24/7. I call home, again, for the hundredth time, praying that my Bonita answers.
“Hello, Pillsbury Dough Boy!” Fuck, Sasha, the queen bulldog. I know I’m not getting past her.
Wishing it was Gretchen who answered, I say, “Hey Sash, how’s it going?” The shaky tone in my voice pisses me off. I don’t know if it’s the meds, or being within a phone line of my Bonita, but I hate the sound of weakness echoing down the line.
“Oh, the usual. Making money, breaking hearts. I have to say, I’m surprised to hear from you. It’s only been a whole two hours since your last phone call.” Her attitude pisses me off sometimes. This is one of those times.
“If you’d just let me talk to her, I’d stop calling.” It’s a lie; we both know it.
“Uh-huh, and I’ve got a wonder drug to make me a size two. Listen, you’ve gotta stop calling so much. It’s not healthy.” She chews her gum like it’s cud.
“Maybe I should just come and see her. Take her away…” Before I can even get my thoughts out, she’s right there on volume ten.
“Wrong answer, Javi. You will not be taking her anywhere. You hear me? Not gonna happen, not on my watch. It was your idea to give her some space, and I’m holding you to it.” She covers the mouthpiece, but still whispers.
Fuck! What’s she saying that I can’t hear?
“Sasha! What the fuck? Is that her?” No answer. I’m royally pissed, sick of them taking what’s mine. Playing God with my love and making rules for me to follow. They can take their noses out of my business and stick them up each other’s asses. “Sasha!”
My yelling gets her back on the line. “Okay, okay. Hold your piggy’s. Jeez. That was house business.” No, it wasn’t.
She knows that I know, and I’m not going to play these games. “Put her on right now.”
Her gum cracks like a gunshot in my ear. It vibrates all the way down to my fillings. “No.”
“No?” What?
“No. Period. It’s been two weeks. She’s pining away in there for you. You asked me to pick up the pieces. Well, Señor, you might not like the puzzle they fall into. Especially if you keep talking about coming and taking…”
There’s a noise. I catch it before Sasha can cover the phone. “Sasha, who’s that? Are you talking to…?” It’s her. Bonita! My balls crawl up into my stomach. Tears burn my eyes at the sweet sound of her voice.
“Bonita! Bonita, it’s me! Your Javi! Boni…” The line goes dead as I act like the rest of the lunatics in this place, crying and frothing at the mouth while screaming at dead air.
Blue
“Sasha! You can’t keep me from him! I’ll find a way for us to be together. You can’t!” My hand flies, just trying to grab the phone away, but she holds it up above her linebacker shoulders. Out of reach. Trying for a jump shot, I come down with a face full of tit. Dammit, Sasha! My hand smacks out, hoping to throw her off balance so she’ll drop the phone. If I could just get it, I could hit redial and…
“Blue!” Shit, I’m in trouble.
Gretchen turns the corner in a head-to-toe Scarlett O’Hara get-up, all pink lacy ruffles complete with a hoop skirt. Her eyes are huge as she takes in the scene. Shaking her head, she waggles a finger at me. “No!” Like I’m a puppy that shat on the rug.
“Stop punching Sasha in the boobs! Honestly, what is going on here?” Gretchen looks at Sasha for answers. Over my head, Sasha gives her a look. I can’t see it, but I know it’s there. Gretchen’s return look curls my hair. What I see there makes me want to run back into my room. There’s a black cloud brewing, and I’m in the eye of the storm.
“I’ll just go back to my room and lie down. I’m sorry.” I hold my hands up, warding them off while backing away. Suddenly I don’t want to be here anymore. Wanting nothing more than to hide under the covers, I turn towards the sanctity of my room.
Gretchen runs to my side, using my arm to twirl me around. “Oh, no you don’t. We’re sick to death of this pining bullshit! You hear me?” Ugh, yelling again. In my face. I hear you. I nod. “You are coming with us.” She doesn’t wait for my answer, just starts dragging me.
All the fight has left me at this scary turn of events. I can barely find the strength to stand, let alone follow along behind. Sasha takes my other arm just as I feel my knees go weak. I don’t like these looks they’re giving me. Over-the-shoulder frowns that only intensify my need to get away.
So I try again. “I’m fine, really. Don’t go to any trouble for me.” But I’m talking to the backs of their heads as they half-lead, half-drag me down the basement steps. I’m begging now. “I’ll be good, I promise. Sasha, I’m sorry I punched your boob. Please.”
They don’t even acknowledge my apology. Just keep speaking in code.
“It’s time.” That’s Gretchen. “For her own good.”
Sasha speaks only to Gretchen in a firm voice. I’m not even here in her eyes. “He wants to come and take her, Gretch. We can’t let it happen again.”
What? Did Javi have another Bonita before me? My head swims as we turn a corner. There, sitting in front of an impressively heavy wooden door, watching a movie on a laptop screen, is a nurse. A nurse? What the…?
Terror fills me. “Am I a prisoner now? Is this how I’m to be treated once Javi’s gone?” I shriek, pulling against their hold. Neither answer. Sasha lets go of my arm and whispers something to the nurse. I’m so dumbfounded, I forget to flee. She nods, and I’m pulled into the room whether I like it or not.
“There’s someone we’d like to introduce you to. She looks me dead in the eye, compassion replacing anger. “Blue, meet Javi’s mother.”
My brain can’t take this in. The woman swinging on a contraption double bolted to the ceiling is who? I look from one boss to the other, but neither will meet my frenzied gaze.
“Javi’s mother,” I whisper. Back from the dead. How is that even possible?
“Hello,” I say, because I’m not sure what the protocol is when meeting your stalker’s mother who…he said he killed. I think back. No, sorry, eliminated. Those were his precise words. I eliminated her. She never loved me. Didn’t have the mothering gene.
No response from Javi’s mother. In fact, she looks downright pissed that we barged in here. With a haughty glare in our direction, she reaches for the pile of junk food next to her bed and shoves an enormous devil’s food cupcake in, frosting first. I watch her chew her food, mouth open. Crumbs drop to her chest, the bed. There’s no fake noshing for her. She uses the wet tip of her finger to get every crumb that escaped.
“What do you want? I’m live right now.” She’s put out by me, by our unannounced entrance into her space and can’t be bothered with us. My eyes dart around the room, taking in all the blinking green lights. Who is watching this mammoth of a woman chase crumbs?
Gretchen clears her throat. “This is Javi’s friend. Blue.”
At the mention of Javi, her ravenous eyes shoot up, drilling into mine. She assesses me from top to bottom, leering. I feel self-conscious in my dirty pajamas now. If I’d have known we were meeting parents today, I might have brushed my hair.
Her sneer says it all. “She’s no fri
end of my Javi’s…too skinny.”
Turning back to the mound of sugar, she waves us away. “Stop trying to steal my camera time.”
Once we’re back in the hallway, my tears stream freely.
“Blue, don’t cry.” Gretchen—with her soothing pink tones, trying to pretend like she and Sasha haven’t ruined my life, petting my tangled hair—only makes me cry harder.
“How is this even possible? Javi said…” My head spins. I can’t breathe, I’m blocked up by phlegm.
Blinded by tears, I have no choice but to let them lead me back up the stairs, through the main hall, and am only mildly surprised when they pull me into the garage. Only when we’re inside with the door locked do either of them even look at me.
Gretchen, dripping honey from her southern tongue, speaks first. “I’m sorry, Blue. It had to be done. This has gone on too long. He would never tell you. Hell, I don’t think he even knows in his scrambled brain. He did once. When I first came here, he was so far gone that he thought she was dead in the back room. When I tried to tell him she was alive, that the nurse he’d hired was there taking care of her, he flipped out. Didn’t want to hear any of it. Nothing to do with his mother. For him, locking her away in her own section of the house, her own suite, was his way of eliminating her.
“Every time I tried to bring her up, he’d get all glassy-eyed, withdraw into himself, and go practically catatonic. When I pushed the issue, went so far as to try to take him down there to deal with her…well, that was the first time he became acquainted with the psychiatric hospital.” Gretchen stops, mourning the man that he never was.
I take it all in. “He really doesn’t know she’s down there?” It’s almost impossible to believe.
Sasha shakes her head. “No. We’ve enabled him to live in his own little fantasy world for wayyy too long. I don’t know if we did the right thing or not by letting him live this lie, but it ends here, Blue. I won’t let him do to you what he did to her.”
Blue, Light and Dark (Chubby Chasers, Inc. Series Book 2) Page 2
