by Karen Rock
Chapter Fifteen
“JARED’S GONE, HARLEY.” Amberley pulled her knees to her chest and dropped her hot cheek to them, stewing, listening to Spirit Ranch: the shouting of children, horses, birds, a tractor, the rustle of treetops stirred by a welcome breeze.
She plucked the small pasture’s clover and breathed in the sweet aroma rising from the earth. A trickle of sweat wound down her back. Overnight, the rain had given way to heat that’d blossomed into a living thing, pressing its unwanted hands on her with hardly a break.
Petey lifted his muzzle from her feet and woofed. She slid clammy fingers along his back. “I’m okay, boy.”
No, you’re not! contradicted the devil on one shoulder. Pants on fire!
She’ll be okay, sighed the angel on the other side. Someday.
Not today, though. Or tomorrow. Or ever...
Over the last couple of days, her body had become a leaden weight that needed to be dragged around from place to place. It was a tremendous effort to do anything at all. Only Harley motivated her to get out of bed. He could now graze, supervised, in the small pasture. She wouldn’t let him miss out, even if all she wanted was to curl up and disappear.
Something silky and warm butted her ear. Harley. “Thanks, buddy.” She reached around and stroked his nose. At least she still had her four-legged friends. Not Jared, though. Not ever again.
Her heart beat sluggishly in her tight chest, damaged, bruised, flattened. She’d thought losing her vision was the worst thing that’d ever happened to her, right after her father’s passing. But this...this pain of knowing Jared didn’t want her...was an unrelenting noose around her neck, tightening as she struggled against it, refusing to let go.
Harley pressed his closed teeth against her shoulder, and she lifted her head to lean it against him. “He thinks I’m a charity case. Helpless.”
Harley blew, a frustrated sound that mirrored her inner turmoil.
Her eyes burned along with her tight throat. Was Jared right? Was her independence just a facade created by the others? Her freedom an illusion?
Jared had trained Petey. She couldn’t have done that. Jared had coached her to the final tryouts for the ERA Premier touring team. And that wouldn’t have been possible on her own either. Her mother had driven her here...transportation...another thing she depended on others to provide.
What could she do on her own?
Not much.
Just like her father said, if you’re not first, you’re last, and if you’re last, you’re not much. And she’d barely made last place at the initial tryouts. Without Jared to call her through another race, she couldn’t even compete.
With a groan, she turned and buried her head in Harley’s thick mane. She’d never amount to anything—had been foolish to believe she could. Maybe she didn’t deserve love because she didn’t have enough to offer anyone, especially a star like Jared Cade.
Cowgirls don’t cry, hissed the devil on her shoulder.
Unless it’s about her horse, insisted the angel on the other. Then it’s perfectly acceptable.
Right.
She shoved to her feet, groped for Harley’s reins, slid a hand in Petey’s harness and headed in the direction of the gate. She knew better than to wallow in self-pity. Her family taught her better. Expect little. Give a lot. Her ma’s credo. Amberley could still make a difference with the Spirit Ranch children, even if her own dreams, and her love, were gone.
“Amberley!” cried a familiar voice.
“Hey, Ella.” Amberley swiped at her damp face with her arm, wrenched her wobbly lips into a smile and unlatched the gate. “What brings you out here?”
“Not what. Who. My little brother wanted to meet you.”
“I’d be glad to.” After leading Harley through, she secured the gate behind her and they ambled toward the stable. “Is he right here?” She slid her eyes in every direction, wondering.
“No. I left him with Maverick at Harley’s stall. He’s—uh—he’s been a bit discouraged lately, after his accident.”
“Sorry to hear that,” Amberley replied, her mind reaching back to a story she’d overheard at the last championship competition. Something about Ella’s brother getting paralyzed in a car accident. “Is he okay?”
“Doctor told us last month that he won’t walk again.”
“Oh, Ella. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah. We’re all taking it poorly, especially Dean. He had hopes of bull riding.”
Amberley nodded, her heart going out to the kid. The opposite of a dream wasn’t a nightmare. Losing it entirely was far, far worse.
“When I heard about your comeback, then your accident, I knew I wanted you to ride Calamity.”
“That was real nice of you.”
“No. Not nice. Well. Not entirely. I wanted to show Dean that he could still have a life after his accident, and that he shouldn’t give up on his dreams. We got him to attend your race on Friday. It’s the first time he’s been out of the house in weeks.” Ella’s voice hitched at the end.
“But I—” She started to tell Ella that she couldn’t compete on Calamity, or any horse again, without Jared, but stopped when she made out Maverick’s tree-sized shape and the outline of a person in a wheelchair.
What would she say to the boy?
“Howdy,” she called, infusing her voice with friendly welcome.
“Hey,” came a young man’s voice. “Hope we’re not bothering you. Told my sister we should wait till you’re done working.”
“Timing couldn’t be better. I’m on my break.”
A permanent break... She wouldn’t stop working with the children, but her career was over.
“Is that Harley?” the teen asked.
Amberley stepped fast as Harley started forward without her, magnetically drawn, as always, to children. “Yes.”
“He’s friendly.” Dean laughed. Harley’s head looked like it’d lowered, and she guessed he hugged the boy.
“He knows good people.”
Into the sudden silence, the only sounds were Harley snuffing Dean and the jingle of his harness.
“I’m no good no more,” Dean muttered a moment later.
“That’s not true,” Ella cried. Maverick’s shape zoomed in the direction of her voice. A protective gesture. Amberley wondered if he still had feelings for his ex. “Look at Amberley. She’s still riding, competing.”
Her face felt as though it’d turned to stone. She couldn’t nod or shake her head.
“I saw you race on Friday.” Dean’s voice brightened. He sounded impressed. “How’d you do it?”
“My—uh—friend called my position to me through the walkie-talkies.”
“Sick. So, you can’t see anything?”
“Just shapes when I’m close. And colors.”
“You’re not scared?”
“I’d be foolish not to be.”
“Why do it?”
“Because—because.” She hesitated, stumbling over her usual answer about winning. Competing had stopped being about scoring the top spot, long ago, she realized. It was about something bigger than that—inspiring herself and others like Dean and the rest of the Spirit Ranch kids. “Because it’s better than sitting home and wishing I’d tried.”
“Even if you don’t win?”
“Just giving it my best means I’ve already won,” she said, the words rushing from some deep part of her. The truth. Showing up for competitions meant she was someone, not nothing like her father would have said.
Sorry, Daddy, but I don’t believe I’m nothing.
And I don’t believe you’d think that either. You promised I’d be okay after you passed. You told me I was strong.
I agree, whispered the angel on one shoulder.
Me, too, affirmed the devil on the other.
“G
uts means more than glory,” she heard Maverick say and nodded.
“Yeah,” Dean breathed. “Guts...”
“You’ve got them, too.” Amberley nudged Harley aside, felt for the warm chrome of Dean’s wheelchair, then squatted beside it. “Never quit.”
“Can I come here and ride?”
Ella gasped, a watery sound.
“Of course. Harley will even teach you to fly.”
A horn honked in the distance. “It’s Ma,” Dean muttered. “I’ve got physical therapy, but I’ll come back tomorrow.”
Amberley reached out, encountered a mop of hair and tussled it. “I’ll be counting on it.”
“I’ll take him,” she heard Maverick say, followed by the rattle of pebbles under the wheelchair’s spinning tires.
“Thank you,” Ella choked out before throwing her arms around Amberley and hugging her quick. “And we’ll be at the final tryouts, cheering you on. Count on it.”
“Well,” Amberley drawled, an idea coming straight from that “won’t quit” part of her she’d never abandon again. “I wondered if you’d do more than cheer.”
“Anything.”
“Would you call me through the race?”
“What about Jared?”
“He’s practicing with the Broncos.” There. Short and sweet. She didn’t need to spend more time, or words, on a man who saw only what could go wrong instead of believing in what could go right.
“I know Calamity Jane better than him,” Ella mused, her voice rising slightly in excitement. “And the course setup, too. Not to mention, I am a world champion—or was until you came along.”
Ella’s rueful chuckle mingled with Amberley’s surprised laugh. “You know,” she said after they’d quieted again, “I think I might help you score higher than Jared did.”
“That’s a competitor speaking right there,” Amberley observed through a grin.
“Me?” Ella exclaimed, all innocence. “Let’s just say I’ve got a horse in this race...literally. I want to see you make the team.”
“Because of your brother?”
“Partly, but also because I believe you’re an amazing rider and you’ve earned the spot. If you make it, I’ll even come on the road with you when the team tours, right up until I have the baby, and again when I take my spot back on the team.”
Amberley squeezed her eyes shut against the sudden, rising wet. “Thank you, Ella.”
“It’s my pleasure. You’re a winner, Amberley. I’m just honored to be a part of it. Y’all take care, now.”
She squeezed Amberley’s shoulder, and her boots rustled the grass as she strode away.
Inside the stall, Amberley untacked Harley, located the comb and glided it through his luxurious mane, the repetitive motion settling her racing heart.
She’d compete again. With or without Jared.
Without him, or Harley, it all came down to her—as it should. No one to depend on except herself.
Would Jared change his mind, want her back, if he knew?
She encountered a snarl and teased it loose.
Maybe.
Yet if he appeared, hat in hand, she wouldn’t take him back. Jared might have his sight, but he didn’t see the big picture. If he couldn’t tell that they were perfect together, then so be it. Besides, he had his dreams to chase, and she wouldn’t stand in the way of them. She just wished she’d been part of that dream.
No more shrinking from life again or letting a setback overwhelm her, no matter how badly she hurt. Winning in love, in life, wasn’t some arbitrary achievement, but a series of steps taken toward a goal you set for yourself. Right now, her goal was to bring as much inspiration and happiness to others as she could.
Even if she couldn’t have it for herself.
Not completely.
Not without Jared.
Chapter Sixteen
JARED SLUMPED IN his pickup outside the Sports Authority Field at Mile High stadium. The scoreboard’s final tally flashed in his mind’s eye: 24–26, Broncos. Given his dive over the Texans’ linebackers at the one-yard line to win the game, he should feel elated. Instead, he felt defeated.
When his quarterback called the close game’s final play, he’d worried his rehabbed ACL wasn’t up to the challenge. The fact that they’d used him in such a crucial moment proved his coaches trusted him to get the job done, and he’d been determined to prove them right.
Now he was physically and emotionally wiped. He’d worked out harder than ever this week, his ACL not holding him back much if any. While he’d impressed his coaches, Jared just felt numb.
He drained his lemon-lime sports drink, screwed the cap back on and tossed the empty behind his seat.
It seemed like he’d left his emotions in Carbondale with Amberley. He’d practiced all week on autopilot, feeling nothing but a sense of detachment.
And loss.
He missed her like crazy. His gaze swept the parking lot out of old habit, searching for the orange pom-pom hat she always wore when she’d attended his games. A long breath rushed from him. Looking for her was a fool’s errand. She wanted nothing to do with him, not even as a friend, and her absence at today’s game had kept him off balance, teetering, as if she’d torn away something vital when she’d said goodbye for good.
Jared flipped down his visor against the beaming afternoon sun. His skin still flushed hot beneath his muscle shirt and jeans and his body hummed with residual adrenaline.
The crowd’s jubilant screams after the final touchdown still rang in his ears. After he’d scored, his teammates had surrounded him, thumping his helmet and back, saying “good game” or “way to go, Cade.” But none of it brought him the pleasure it once had. He scooped up the game ball his coach handed to him on the way out and studied the pitted leather. Funny how much smaller it looked off the field. Inconsequential. Not nearly as important as...
He shoved down the sudden image of Amberley that’d appeared in his mind’s eye.
His coach had told Jared he was a hero today and was glad to have him back on the team.
A hero. Jared twirled the football. He sure didn’t feel like one.
He’d finally become the winner his father approved of, the older brother Jesse idolized, the hero he’d vowed he’d become.
Only...he wasn’t satisfied...or happy.
Jared turned the key in the ignition, flicked on the air-conditioning, then pulled out his cell phone. He automatically scrolled to Amberley’s number, his post-game ritual when she couldn’t attend. His finger froze over the call button.
She didn’t want to hear from him. Wouldn’t want to celebrate. Without someone to share good times with, they didn’t matter as much. Or at all.
He punched in another number and listened to the phone on the other end ring.
“Hello?” a young boy answered.
“Hey, Javi.” Jared’s lips curved, his first real smile in a week. “It’s Jared.”
“Uncle Jared!” A painful clattering erupted through the phone, and Jared pulled it from his ear. He barely made out Javi yelling, “Grandma! Come quick!” Then, clearer and louder, “I dropped the phone.”
“That’s okay.”
“We watched you on TV! James called you a gridiron hero, and you flew, even though you don’t have a cape.” Javi’s voice dipped, then brightened. “You’re like a superhero.”
Jared’s eyes pricked. Javi reminded him of his father, Jesse. In fact, Jesse had used those same words.
“I’m no hero,” he muttered, thinking of Amberley and how, if not for his return to pro ball, she’d be competing today at the ERA Premier touring team’s final tryouts. He’d followed his destiny, only now that he’d achieved it, without Amberley, it felt hollow. Insubstantial.
“Yes, you are!” Javi exclaimed. “And football uniforms need capes.”
/> “They’d let opponents grab us easier,” Jared asserted, enjoying this conversation despite his miserable mood.
“Take them off before you play.”
Jared chuckled. “I’ll suggest it to the coach. Is your grandma there?”
“Yes,” Javi whispered. “And she’s giving me those hurry-up eyes.”
“Then I guess you’d better hurry up, buddy.”
“Later, gator!” Javi shouted, and then there was a crashing sounded followed by his mother’s voice.
“Why must he drop the phone like that, I—”
“Ma?”
“Oh, hi, honey.” His mother’s warm voice spilled over him like a balm. Healing. “What a great game. We all watched it.”
Jared pictured the group crowded around the TV the way they had every Sunday, cheering on the Broncos...except James, who was a Cowboys fan for no good reason except maybe insanity. Football was an institution in his family, a tradition, one that kept them together through good times and bad. Now that he’d returned to the NFL, he could be their hero again and fill his father’s void like he’d promised.
“And that final play!” his mother continued, gushing. “You must be thrilled.”
A noncommittal sound, something between an uh-huh and an ugh, escaped him.
“You don’t sound happy.” Something scraped, and he imagined her pulling out a kitchen bar stool and settling behind their granite-topped island.
“I made the team. Had a good first game. Dad would be happy.”
“He’s not the one who matters right now.”
He jerked the phone from his ear and stared at it. Had he heard her right?
“Jared?” Her distant voice floated up to him.
He pressed his cell back to his ear. “Here. I thought you said Pa didn’t matter.”
“Not when it comes to making your own life choices.”
“Are you saying that because...because of Boyd?” He wouldn’t fight his mother’s late-in-life romance, but he didn’t appreciate her shoving his father’s feelings aside completely.
“No. I’m saying that because of you.”
“He made me promise,” Jared heard himself say, surprising himself. Over a decade had passed without him revealing this private conversation, but suddenly he wanted to share it. Needed to.
