by LJ Evans
It made my stomach all squishy. That you didn’t like the fact that he was flirting with me. It had to be because of that. You didn’t wait for any more conversation. You turned to Wynn and I and said, “Gotta jam, ladies. Big celebration at the lake tonight, and we gotta get set up.”
Wynn waved to Matt and headed off on your heels. I started to follow but then couldn’t help myself. I turned back to Matt and said, “You’re gonna be there tonight, right, Matt?”
Matt scratched his neck and seemed a little puzzled to be included in things he’d never really been included in before. You stopped in your tracks and turned on me with a look that could kill.
I mouthed, “Be nice,” to you. You didn’t look like you wanted to be nice.
“Well. I’m not sure. We’ll see. Thanks for the invite though,” was Matt’s response.
The best thing was, you didn’t speak to me the whole ride home. I know. You’d think I’d have been devastated by that, but it was like nectar to the gods. You cared enough to not like other boys flirting with me even if you couldn’t bring yourself to flirt with me.
Ha!
***
That night at the lake, you had Amber at your side the whole night. It was one of the first times the two of you flaunted your “togetherness”. Amber had had a few beers. I know. Beers. But, you were going to be a junior and you were taking over from Blake and Wade as the party king, and we grew up in the middle of Tennessee, so, to all you disapproving parents out there, yes, there was beer.
Amber, with a few beers, didn’t seem to care so much about me seeing your hands on her. My high from the whole Matt thing didn’t last very long with the two of you hanging on each other.
Wynn, Zack, and I swam out to our makeshift dock that was still anchored in the lake. We jumped and dove and swam while you and the high school crew partied it up on the beach with a bonfire and music. It made me realize how you must have felt when you were in middle school and Wade and Blake had been leading the shin-dings, and you’d been stuck with the 5th grader. You must have felt like I did right then, torn between wanting to be cool enough to hang out with the big kids but also more interested in the sky and the lake and the crickets.
We’d been out there for quite a while, when a splash in the water made us realize that someone was joining us on the platform. Matt stuck up a wet head. He’d hauled a cooler out with him and put it up on the dock first before dragging himself up behind it.
He was muscled and tan like Blake had always been, but a little skinnier. Not as broad shouldered. He looked good. He wasn’t you, but he looked good. “I come bearing gifts,” he said proudly.
We opened the cooler, and it was full of MoonPies, RC Cola, and Doritos. A teenage feast. We all dove in, thanking him profusely. We laughed and flirted and had fun. Zack and Matt started talking about horses and rodeos, and Wynn and I went back into the lake.
We floated far enough away that the boys couldn’t hear us before Wynn spoke.
“So. Matt, huh?”
“I guess,” I said.
“What’s it with you and high school guys?”
“I’m sure that Amber would associate some Freudian daddy issue with it.”
Wynn gurgled.
“He’s a nice guy. I don’t think anything is gonna happen though,” I told her honestly because even then I knew that there wasn’t any guy that I could ever date who would ever hold a candle to you.
Eventually, Wynn and I made it back to the dock, and we were all just getting cozy, lying out on our backs with the stars above us, and Matt’s feet finding their way to mine when the music on the shore stopped and you hollered out to us, “Time to go love birds!”
I laughed so hard I almost peed my swim suit because I knew exactly what you were doing. You were bringing me back to that night that Blake had done the same thing to you and I. Course, the three of them thought I was off my rocker. And, I guess I sort of was. Because you would always make me a little crazy.
***
When we went back to school in the fall, the thing with Matt went by the wayside. In truth, I only saw him twice a month for horseback riding lessons, and he seemed caught up with rodeos and school and just being a freshman.
I was caught up in diving and managing to stay afloat in a geometry class that I’d been assigned I didn’t know how. Somewhere along the way my teachers must have thought that I could do more than I ever demonstrated with my grades because they assured my parents I was more than qualified to take the course.
So. It was back to your bedroom for geometry lessons this time. Amber was good about it. She even added her two cents in whenever I’d get frustrated with you and start tossing paper snowballs instead of studying.
***
You led the football team to the state championships as a junior that year. You didn’t win. Mostly because your defense sucked, and you got hit so hard it knocked you out in the last quarter.
I felt it just as I saw it happen. I knew you were going to get hurt. I was already half way down the bleachers before you’d hit the ground and your parents realized what had happened. We were on the sidelines when they brought you off. By this time, you’d woken up, but no one would let you back on the field. That pissed you off to no end. You fought everyone tooth and nail.
But, your parents and the football coach won out, so I got to ride with you to the hospital where they did a CT Scan and checked your brain for any issues. I could have told them there was nothing wrong with you. You were perfect. As always. The god that could not be shot down by a mere human.
You did have a flaw though. Your diabetes. And while you mostly had it under control, it still played havoc with you on occasion. Of course, because we’d spent so much of our time apart the last couple years, I hadn’t been able to continue to be your personal food cart. Instead, you stocked yourself up. You had these little sugar tabs that you placed under your tongue when you needed it.
I remember one time you had a little spell with Amber in the room. She went white as a sheet and froze. All I could think was, some psychologist she’s gonna make if she can’t even handle a little diabetic episode.
I just got the orange juice and forced you to drink it until you came around on your own. Embarrassed because Amber had seen you. Not because of me. You were used to me being there. I made some lame excuse after to leave because I could tell that Amber was feeling all girlie and mushy and wanted to kiss you all better.
It had given you the perfect excuse to get all the way in her pants. Which I knew was where you most desired to be. And your parents weren’t home. There was some big event at the dealership that both our parents were at, sparing us of course from attending, but poor Mia had been dragged along. She was such a good kid.
I went home, called Wynn to come over, and we watched some sappy girl movie together. I was getting to the point where I didn’t mind sappy girl movies so much. I mean, I’d still prefer a good football movie like The Replacements, Invincible, Friday Night Lights, Varsity Blues, or Remember the Titans, but I could kind of get into the whole happily ever after even if I didn’t think it was ever going to happen for me.
The Way I Loved You
“He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better.”
- Swift & Rich
The beginning of this song is true. I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend that all my friends were jealous of because he seemed so perfect. Even my parents thought he was perfect. And, maybe even you thought he was perfect. I couldn’t really tell. The only one who didn’t think he was perfect was me. But. It’s still a good story. A story that, as always, has everything to do with you and very little to do with the other boy. Because it could never be the way that I loved you.
My eighth-grade year had gone by with me in a holding pattern. That’s how I felt. And I didn’t know then that life would be a continual holding pattern for me. You’d waited for me in the womb. That was only nine and a half months. I felt like
I waited nine years. Life may be moving along, I may be winning dive competitions, having folks asking me if I would try for the Olympics (ha, I wasn’t that dedicated), and having teachers asking me if I was ready for high school, but I really felt like I was waiting. Waiting for the alarm to go off and wake me up. Waiting for the three-year gap to disappear like I thought it would, magically, once we were both at the same school again.
So, you can understand, that I was nervous and very, very expectant the day I entered high school. We’d spent another summer at the lake, but you’d also divided your time between a job at the dealership and Amber. You two were definitely sleeping together. I could smell her on you sometimes when I’d come over to your room, and we’d lay on your bed listening to music and talking about the scouts coming to look at you at football practice.
Your bedroom was some of our only alone time. At the lake, we were hardly ever alone. You were celebrating your last summer as a high school student. Your last year. You had everyone out there celebrating with you.
I was biding time for my new beginning.
That first day that I walked down the halls of our high school, all I could think about was how long it had been since we’d actually been able to see each other at school. I almost cried from happiness at seeing you. Which is saying a lot as you know I don’t cry.
But. Amber was on your arm. And you were surrounded by Paul and Craig and their lady friends and a wake the size of a soccer team. You smiled and waved. But it was from the other side of the hallway, and you didn’t come to say hello. You didn’t come, sweep me off my feet, and say, “Finally! Finally, it’s okay for us to be together.”
I know. Really insane of me, right? I don’t think I ever really thought that was what was going to happen. And I certainly hadn’t forgotten Amber. But. I don’t know. Just but.
Wynn saw my expression and took pity on me, hurrying me into the girls’ bathroom so I wouldn’t cry. But, I didn’t feel like crying. Instead I punched the bathroom stall with my fist and then kicked the door repeatedly. Wynn just stood by and waited. What a good friend, right?
“Cami, you’re scaring me.”
I leaned on the sink and breathed heavily. Trying to calm myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a girl. Yep. I’d become a girl. Dark wavy hair. Blue-gray eyes. A dress. A dress. I was in a dress. With my cowboy boots, true, but a dress.
“I’m fine. Really. I’ll be fine.”
Poor Wynn had been dreading freshman year whereas I had been all bottled excitement. Zack’s dad had been transferred to New Orleans, and so she’d had to say goodbye to her boyfriend of almost two years. I thought it was a good thing because he had been too gentle for Wynn. He did everything she wanted and never questioned it. I just didn’t think Wynn needed that quiet of a life, but she’d been so sad for weeks. I didn’t feel like I wanted to add to her emotional issues, so I calmed down or did a good job of faking it, and we headed off to class.
The next time I saw you, it was the end of school and you were headed off to football practice. And in typically Cami fashion, I didn’t think, I just reacted. Big surprise, right? I pulled on the t-shirt of the closest guy I could reach, shoved my lips at him, and kissed him like no tomorrow. At least, I thought I did, since I’d had actually no, none, zip experience in this area.
The guy I was kissing, after the first shock, realized his advantage, and stuck his tongue in my mouth, surprising the shit out of me, before pulling me up tight against his body. I fought an urge to slap the hell out of his face because I could feel your eyes on me. I could feel them boring into my head. I wanted to see that black smoldering anger that I’d seen when you’d approached Matt and I flirting at the ranch a summer ago.
When I dared to open my eyes and pull slightly away from my unsuspecting victim, I saw you approaching. But there was no smolder. Instead, you had a grin on your face. A grin. Like you thought the whole thing slightly hilarious.
I watched you approach with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Sometimes your smile hid a death wish. But, no. Not this time. You get angry when I’m merely flirting with a guy, but you see me exchanging spit and feeling each other’s tonsils up with our tongues, and you don’t even blink an eyelash? Come on!
It was as you reached up to tousle the hair of my victim that I let out an audible gasp. My victim was none other than Matt himself. How the hell could our school be so small as to have allowed my one-time victim to be the only other guy at the school who’d I’d ever really shown the least interest in?
“How’s the ranch, cowboy?” you said with a smile. I pushed myself away from Matt’s very firm chest and dragged the back of my hand across my mouth.
You turned your smile from Matt to me. Then I saw the flash. It was so brief and was so quickly replaced by your wide, beautiful smile that I could have imagined it, but I didn’t think so. My heart skipped a beat. You looked back to Matt.
Matt grinned back, but he shifted his feet too. Like he was unsure how you’d react to his lips on mine. I felt bad. Matt was a nice guy. And I’d just used him in the cruelest way. “Ranch is good. How’s football?”
You smiled, “Like always.”
You stared into Matt’s eyes for a moment. Like you were sizing him up, then with a quick smile at me, you sauntered away. You called back over your shoulder, “You two have fun now. Just be careful Mr. Leonard doesn’t catch you.”
And then you were gone. Mr. Leonard was our Vice Principal. And even though I was only a freshman, I knew his reputation for ruining the lives of any kid caught doing anything that might be considered even slightly offensive. I’m sure our PDA would definitely have been offensive.
Matt turned his eyes to me. They were green. And pretty. Not like they could bore into my soul like yours could, but they were pretty. I felt like a cad.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“What for?”
“Attacking you like that.”
“Because you didn’t mean it?”
And I looked at him and realized that there was no way in hell that I could be that harsh. I wasn’t Brittney. So, just like that, I had myself a boyfriend.
***
I wondered sometimes if that was what had happened with you and Kayla. Or even you and Brittney. A little tonsil hockey leading to the assumption that you two were a couple. Because that’s just what had happened to me.
Matt called me a lot. Texted me more often. Nice things like, how was your day? Did you get that new dive you’ve been working on? Stuff that was completely sweet and made Wynn sigh because she was in boyfriend withdrawals.
I’d never cared about that stuff. I’d always rolled my eyes at you having to “play nice” with your girlfriends, and here I was all of a sudden having to do the same thing.
Matt became a regular in the car on the ride home. So, now it was a foursome. You and Amber. Matt and I. It was two teenage couples. He’d hang out in your bedroom with us doing homework. And the truth was. It was nice to be the center of someone’s attention again. It was good for my ego.
For a while, many years ago, I’d been the center of your attention, but that was long gone. So. It just felt damn good. Matt would fetch me soda and chips. He’d play with my hair when it escaped my pony tail, and show up at my meets with signs that said, “Go Super Girl.”
He’d picked up on Blake’s nickname for me. Super girl. I’m not sure why Blake had always called me that, but Matt said that he was calling me it because I was the strongest, smartest, wickedest girl he knew. Maybe he was just trying to get into my pants. But, he wasn’t even pushing it to third base, so, I felt like I was safe.
The bad thing about having a boyfriend, is that it takes time. And I had to go to rodeos. I know I’m from Tennessee. And I like country music and football. I even got a high off jumping the horses at Matt’s granddaddy’s ranch, but rodeos bored the crap out of me.
All that male testosterone on display. Gag. But I went. I didn’t hold up a sign like he did at my meets. And, Matt
never complained about it or said anything negative. It was like he was just happy to be along for the ride. And I realized that’s what Wynn must have felt about Zack.
She said it wasn’t. She said she loved Zack and as soon as she could, she was going to find a way to move to New Orleans and be with him, but I knew that she’d move on. Maybe that’s what everyone thought had happened with me and my feelings for you, because my mama and your mama didn’t seem to watch us so closely any more.
They were relieved my crush had gone away.
But it hadn’t. Every time I kissed Matt, I wanted it to be you. I wanted to open my eyes and not see his gentle green ones but the intense kaleidoscope of yours. I’m sure Matt sensed it. I tried hard not to let him realize he was second fiddle, but Matt wasn’t stupid. A goof ball sometimes, but definitely not stupid.
I tried not to stare at you when you were head to head with Amber talking all hush hush about plans for the weekend. But sometimes when I’d look up from staring at you, I’d see Matt staring at me, and I’d wonder how long it would last. How long he would put up with it.
And sometimes, I wondered if it bothered you at all. To see me engaged in my own little bit of tonsil hockey with Matt. Once in a great while, when Matt would kiss me goodbye and you were there and I turned to you, you’d have an odd look on your face, but it was never the deep, lake green angry look in your eyes. It was a wary, thoughtful look.
***
Matt and I did have fun. It wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy being with him. I got to go with a date to school dances, and I actually laughed my ass off through the whole thing because Matt was such a goof ball and could make me laugh by doing the silliest things like the robot or the old fashioned mashed potato. Always done poorly, but with much enthusiasm.
And we always went to funny movies. Never girlie dramas or stupid shoot-'em-up action movies that were your favorite. So. I got to laugh a lot. And that was good. Laughter fills your soul, right?
