General P’Tang concluded with a dramatic wave of his fist, which got a rapturous round of applause from everyone on the bridge.
‘What say you, Stanley? Will you fight with me?’ He offered his hand.
Stanley glanced from face to face, each weird alien eye focused on him in anticipation, each set of hands, feet, flippers or tentacles applauding him. He swallowed hard then took General P’Tang’s hand and said, ‘Yes, General, I will fight with you.’
.
21
‘He seems rather lacking in moral fibre, this one’
As the Goodship Gusto came out of cutspace, Stanley experienced the odd sensation that someone was playing table tennis with his eyeballs while nibbling on his toes and rubbing sandpaper on his fingertips. The feeling vanished as the swirling colours that had been on the main screen were replaced by the endless stars of space.
‘Set a course for the far side of Therapia,’ said General P’Tang.
Three crew members squeezed into one seat squabbled over who got to do this and slowly the ship turned, bringing a large green planet into view.
General P’Tang smiled and turned to Stanley. ‘Welcome to the one safe haven in the known universe, the planet of Therapia.’
‘Why is it safe?’ asked Stanley.
‘Because it’s outside Armorian jurisdiction. This is the most peaceful place you’ll ever encounter.’
‘General P’Tang, sir,’ said a crew member who had skin like lemon peel.
‘What is it?’ barked the general.
‘Someone’s hailing us,’ said another two crew members, one resembling a purple-scaled toad and one a large blue beetle.
‘Thank you. Let’s see who it is. On screen.’
The three crew members fought over the controls until the blue beetle pushed the one with purple scales, who knocked lemon peel skin’s elbow against the right button.
Stanley instantly recognised the inside of the ship that appeared on the screen as the police car in which Officer Grogun had arrested him back on Earth, and he didn’t need a qualification in spaceship maintenance to see that it was in trouble. The lights on the dashboard were flickering, smoke was pouring out and a small fire had broken out in the passenger seat. Sitting in the driving seat was also something Stanley recognised. It was a small blue eight-fingered chimpanzee with large circular ears. And it was panicking. ‘If there’s anyone out there, please help. This piece of junk couldn’t take the re-entry from cutspace.’
‘It’s Boosky,’ said Stanley.
‘Do you know this person?’ asked General P’Tang.
‘His name’s Boosky Retch. He’s a thief. I met him when I was on board the Bucket.’
‘Well, the battery has recharged enough to teleport him. Shall we bring him aboard?’ asked General P’Tang.
Boosky scampered around the inside of the ship, trying to put out the fires that kept springing up.
‘I’d like to speak to him first,’ said Stanley.
‘Communication brothers, open a two-way channel, please.’
The blue beetle pushed the relevant button.
‘Hello?’ said Boosky. ‘Is someone there?’
‘Where’s my watch?’ demanded Stanley.
‘Stanley Bound, is that you?’ Boosky climbed up close to the camera, so that his nostrils appeared like two hairy caverns on the screen.
‘We can teleport you aboard, but I want the watch you stole off me.’
‘Stole? You got me all wrong. I never stole no watch off no one.’
‘All right, if that’s the way you want to play it, I’ll leave you to it.’
‘No, no, no. I just realised what you mean. You mean this thing?’ Boosky pulled Stanley’s watch from the glove compartment and held it up. ‘I didn’t steal it though. The prison guards would have confiscated it if I hadn’t looked after it for you.’
‘He seems rather lacking in moral fibre, this one,’ observed General P’Tang.
‘Moral fibre? Who are you people?’ asked Boosky.
‘This is the Goodship Gusto,’ replied the general. ‘We are the Brotherhood. We are fighting for a universe liberated from the tyrannical oppression of Armoria. What is your cause, Brother Retch?’
Something exploded on the dashboard, causing Boosky to yelp and duck out of view. He raised his head and said, ‘Right now, my cause is getting off this ship in one piece. Are you going to help me or not?’
‘What do you say, Stanley? You really want us to bring him aboard?’ asked General P’Tang.
‘We can’t let him die,’ said Stanley.
General P’Tang nodded sagely and said, ‘Brothers, teleport him over.’
On the screen it looked as though Boosky was hastily being rubbed out from his edges by an artist keen to delete his mistake and start again. Once he had disappeared, all that remained where he had stood was his outline in white, which hung in the air for a second before dropping to the floor.
The screen then showed the outside of the police car, which very suddenly exploded into pieces. Amongst the debris that floated past them, Stanley managed to spot the police siren, a spare tyre and an A-Z of London.
In the same spot that Stanley had first materialised on the deck, a distinctive silhouette appeared in white. Then, as though the same artist who had rubbed him out was now redrawing him, Boosky materialised. He looked down at himself, checking all his bits and pieces were intact, and brushed the grey-white dust off his arms.
‘Welcome aboard, Brother Retch,’ said General P’Tang.
‘It’s good to be here, General.’
‘I’ll take that.’ Stanley snatched his watch out of Boosky’s hand and put it on his wrist. ‘How did you escape from the Bucket anyway?’
‘How? I’ll tell you how. You went missing, that’s how,’ said Boosky. ‘As soon as your signal disappeared, Commander Kevolo went ballistic. He gave the order that everyone drop what they were doing and concentrate on finding you. With everyone looking for you, I grabbed a ship and got out before they noticed I’d gone.’
‘But they’ll activate your tag and kill you, won’t they?’
Boosky stuck his tongue out. The tag was no longer there. ‘They were supposed to be putting a new one in, so they took the old one out and I slipped away before they could replace it. What happened to yours? The whole place went crazy when your signal disappeared.’
‘I removed it,’ said Jupp.
‘You removed an AIP tag?’ said Boosky. ‘That’s impossible.’
‘Not as impossible as the idea that you would escape the Bucket, go into cutspace and find yourself in the exact same place as Stanley,’ said Jupp.
Boosky shrugged. ‘Yeah, pretty lucky, eh?’
‘Unbelievably lucky,’ said Jupp. ‘Which is why I don’t believe you. Why are you here?’
‘It’s just a happy coincidence, OK?’
‘A happy trillion-to-one coincidence. You followed us here so you could lead the police to Stanley and collect the reward.’
‘Followed you? No way. I wouldn’t help those apes and give up my old pal Stanley.’
‘Watch who you’re calling an ape,’ said the Yeren brother threateningly. ‘Many of my brothers are members of the police, and not of their own choosing.’
‘I mean ape like AIP, you know. Some of my best friends are Yeren. I love you guys. You’re like big teddy bears.’
The Yeren snarled at Boosky and grabbed him by the neck, lifting him so that his legs thrashed wildly in the air.
‘I bet he’s a snitch,’ said Jupp.
‘Officer Grogun did say he helped them out sometimes,’ said Stanley.
‘Grogun?’ said the Yeren.
‘You know Grogey?’ said Boosky, still trying to peel the hairy hands away from his neck. ‘Why didn’t you say? Me and him go way back.’
The Yeren growled. ‘Grogun is a misguided fool like the rest of them.’
‘You took the words right out of my mouth . . . ouch.’ The Yeren squeezed hard
er.
‘Are you Curlip?’ asked Stanley.
The Yeren turned to look at him, loosening his grip slightly on Boosky. ‘He mentioned me, did he?’
‘Only that you were his cousin and that you ran off to join the League.’
‘And did he tell you why so many of my kind work for the police in the first place?’
‘He said your planet was in debt.’
‘That’s right. When the Armorians came to our planet they brought food and medicines, which they gave to us freely to begin with, then sold on credit, so we didn’t have to pay immediately. Eventually we amassed a debt so large that we had nothing to pay it off with except our own labour. Armoria tricked us and effectively enslaved the entire population.’
‘The same has happened on many planets,’ said General P’Tang.
‘Meanwhile Armoria continues to sell things to Yerendel and with high interest rates they ensure that my people will continue to be born into slavery for many generations.’ Curlip tightened his grip on Boosky.
‘I’m right with you,’ said Boosky. ‘Armoria stinks. Down with Armoria.’
Curlip lifted Boosky so that he was eye level with him.
‘And now we have a spy who works for our enemy.’
‘Throw him into space, Brother Curlip,’ said General P’Tang. ‘He deserves no mercy.’
‘No, please . . . You can’t rescue me then throw me into space again. Just think of all the wasted battery power bringing me here.’
‘Unlike you, the battery will recharge,’ snarled Curlip.
‘Stanley, please . . .’ yelped Boosky.
‘Can’t we just lock him up somewhere?’ said Stanley.
‘Yes, that’s it, lock me up,’ said Boosky desperately.
General P’Tang shook his head. ‘No, we haven’t enough room. Brother Curlip, put him in the airlock and prepare to eject him.’
Curlip carried Boosky to a door, which slid open. He shoved him inside and closed it.
Boosky frantically banged on the window, but the airlock must have been soundproofed because his banging and shouting made no noise.
‘But, General, you can’t just kill him,’ protested Stanley.
‘Why ever not, Brother Bound?’
‘Because killing people is wrong.’
‘As you know yourself, sometimes a small sacrifice must be made for the greater good. Just as you brought glory to our cause by killing President Vorlugenar, so shall we throw out this spy. Open the airlock on my count. Three . . . two . . .’
‘Listen to me, I didn’t kill –’ A beeping interrupted him.
‘What is it now?’ barked General P’Tang.
‘Incoming communication,’ said the lemon-skinned officer.
‘Hi there, man. This is Quil Tisket of Therapia. How you doing?’
On screen appeared a man with a smiling bearded face and a hairstyle that suggested he had just been enjoying a week’s holiday of rolling backwards through hedges.
‘Ah, Brother Tisket, good to see you.’
‘You too, man. Happy felicitations. Welcome back to Therapia. I was just getting in touch to say you’ve got clearance to enter the atmosphere and to remind you that you’re now in Therapian space, where killing is considered the most invidious of all crimes.’
General P’Tang looked at the airlock. ‘But we suspect this rascal of being a spy for the AIP.’
‘We all got our faults, Endal. But try not to let murder be one of them. Now, come on, get down here. I got some cloud tea brewing.’
The picture vanished. ‘Shall we open the airlock?’ asked Curlip.
‘No, but leave him there. At least on that side of the door he won’t be able to cause any harm.’
‘That’s all very well, General,’ said Curlip, peering through the window of the door, ‘except he’s already gone.’
.
22
‘Come on, let’s go drink some cloud tea. Then maybe we can have a little boogie before we kick back and look at the sky’
As the Goodship Gusto entered Therapia’s atmosphere, Stanley thought back to Ms Foster’s English lesson about memorable experiences.
He had never been in a plane or helicopter, or canoeing or horse riding, but how many of his class had been in a spaceship as it flew down on to an alien planet? How many had witnessed the sky turn from star-speckled black to fire red as the ship entered the atmosphere and flames licked the outside? How many had felt the tranquillity of space travel give way to the violent vibration of the high-altitude winds? Or seen the flames outside burn away to reveal a deep blue sky?
‘Welcome to the greenest planet in the universe,’ said General P’Tang.
The ship tilted down and Stanley saw an endless land of rolling green hills.
‘It’s amazing, but where does everyone live?’ he said.
As the ship grew nearer Stanley could see that the green land was divided by interconnecting rivers running like veins through the landscape, but he couldn’t see any towns or cities.
‘Each resident has a house constructed on top of a hill,’ replied General P’Tang.
‘I can’t see any of them.’
‘Their architecture is designed to blend perfectly with the natural environment.’
The ship flew lower over the landscape and Stanley noticed that each hill had a large house on top, built out of rock, with moss, grass and even trees growing over the top.
‘Therapians are the most advanced race in the universe. They have given up city life in exchange for more spacious living,’ said General P’Tang.
Brother Curlip entered the bridge and saluted General P’Tang. ‘We’ve searched the ship, General, but we can’t locate the thief.’
‘He’s a slippery character, this Boosky Retch,’ said the general.
‘Do you think he’ll be able to tell the AIP where we are?’ asked Stanley.
‘Even if he does, it won’t matter. They can’t touch you while you’re in Therapian space. We’ll just have to be extra cautious when we leave. Once we land, we’ll search the ship properly until we find him.’
The ship came to standstill on a level patch of grass on top of one of the hills. In front of it was a house, with moss growing liberally over the sloping walls, giving the impression that the house, with all its windows and doors, had been carved out of the hill itself.
‘This is Quil’s place,’ said Jupp. ‘What do you think?’
‘It’s not how I imagined the most advanced planet in the universe,’ replied Stanley.
‘You should have seen it before the makeover,’ said General P’Tang.
‘The makeover?’
‘Yes, it used to be awful.’
The general gave the order to open the door. He told the rest of the crew to stay on board to make necessary repairs while Jupp and Stanley accompanied him. The large glass front of the ship lifted up and a ramp was lowered. Stanley and Jupp followed the general out. The air outside felt fresh and clean. It felt good as Stanley breathed it into his lungs.
A door in the front of the house swung open and Quil Tisket stepped out. Seeing General P’Tang he threw his arms out wide and embraced him.
‘Good to see you, Endal. It’s been too long. Too long, man. And this has got to be the Juppster. Look at you, lady, you’re all grown up.’
Jupp smiled shyly. ‘It’s good to see you, Quil.’
‘And you must be the one everyone’s prattling about, Stanley Bound. I saw you on the news the other day, man. I don’t normally watch it because it’s so totally spurious, but I saw you on it. How you doing? Welcome to Therapia. Welcome to my pad. Come in. Come on, let’s go drink some cloud tea. Then maybe we can have a little boogie before we kick back and look at the sky.’
.
23
‘We missed the clouds’
The inside of Quil Tisket’s house had high stone ceilings and was luxuriously decorated with colourful tapestries on the walls, thick rugs underfoot and large soft cushions everywhe
re. Considering General P’Tang had described Therapia as the most advanced planet in the universe, Stanley was surprised to see a spiral staircase, wooden window frames and doors which swung rather than slid open. It wasn’t completely devoid of technology though. Each room lit up as they stepped inside and, as they entered the large kitchen, a teapot that appeared to have been carved out of a giant nut floated over from the stove and came to rest on a dark wood table.
‘Cloud tea’s up,’ said Quil. He poured steaming hot liquid from the teapot into four mugs and handed them round.
‘Thank you,’ said Jupp and Stanley.
‘Ah, that’s good stuff,’ said General P’Tang, taking a sip. ‘You make the best cloud tea in the universe, Quil.’
‘Thanks, man. Glad to be sharing it with you again.’
Stanley tasted the tea. It was sweet and spicy and it produced a pleasant tickling sensation as it slipped down his throat.
‘You like my pad, Stanley?’
‘It’s great,’ he replied.
‘I see the planet’s finished now,’ said General P’Tang.
‘Yeah. One or two final touches but we’re basically there.’
‘What was it like before?’ asked Stanley.
‘It was utterly spurious, man. Totally built up. We’d ripped the karma right out of everything.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Look, I’ll show you.’ Quil waved a hand and a hologram appeared in the centre of the table. It showed a planet as seen from space, but unlike the Therapia Stanley had seen from the Goodship Gusto, this planet looked more grey than green.
‘This is Therapia before the makeover,’ said Quil.
The holographic picture zoomed in on the planet and Stanley saw that, instead of green fields, the planet was covered in enormous skyscrapers, like great forests of concrete and glass. Spaceships of every shape and size whizzed above, between and even below them, because the skyscrapers didn’t start from the ground. Instead they stood on massive stilts.
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